Oh don't get me wrong, my ex is certainly not the best father in the world. He palms the kids off to his mum for about 50% of his week so he can play sport, social life etc. She does the school run, washes their clothes, makes their packed lunches, helps with homework, takes them to clubs - basically everything! And they stay over there 2-3 nights a week so he can go touch footy, squash etc. It's not what I want for my kids - as they effectively live in 3 houses - and I have been very vocal about it, but ultimately unless I want to take him to court which will affect the children too there is bugger all I can do about it as he refuses to listen.

The way I see it, while he may not be ideal, he's their dad and they love him to bits, and until they say to me that they would like to move back here full time rather than week on/week off then we keep it as it is (we have always said if they want to they can), so it's up to them. They are 9 and 12. They will realise the true picture when they are older.

Multi-houses - me too
Anti-court - me too
True Picture? That's where I'd be wary if I were you, unless you're 'lucky' & don't meet a new partner & need to move far away, you might be ok however I think it'll be well into adulthood before my son particularly (now 21)will get away from the notion that I chose to move away from them rather than they chose not to be with me......... written down it looks a bit like childish sour grapes on my part, I can assure you having cried, bellyached, thought, discussed I know I'm being neither of those things. But it'll be a long while before they truly realise & meanwhile I've missed out on 'cutting the apron strings' because they're not with me so in that sense I guess I'm wanting to be clingy (I can't unless they spend an extended time with me) before I can let go, which at their ages they now need.....

Ruby said: I feel very exposed now, looking at it, with the content I loosely came out with - something I have a tendancy to do is dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole and as much as I try to dig myself out of it by offering words of validation and justification, I end up looking worse for it. And right now, I feel pretty darn emotionally naked!

I don't think that unless you are afraid of being open, you should fret about this too much. So many people often have no-one to talk to (myself included except a counsellor and one good friend who's now pregnant so my heartache is the last thing she needs on a daily basis!) so laying on the line what is the problem & why and how you are hurting is not a crime, in and of itself it can help. And virtual conversations often end up with misunderstandings, so it's not just you by any stretch of the imagination!

Ruby you asked about one's feelings about partner's grief......... in my case my ex, normally mild mannered in absolutely every respect (part of my wanting out, truth be told) turned into a bit of a Jekyll & Hyde, not only becoming mean & spiteful with what he said to me in front of the kids, but also opening up to my mother to such an extent that I think she must have felt sorry for him, or he must have put over his side to the ultimate effect that she now 'sides' with him. Thinking about this, I don't very much remember him weeping and wailing & wanting to give it another go....... Not sure what effect it would have had, if any.

Families, eh

Well I have met a 'new' partner and have been with him for 5.5 years. So I am in the situation you describe. That is, I cannot move interstate, or overseas, as much as I desperately want to. A few years ago my partner was offered an extremely well paying job in Melbourne and hefty relocation package and we were unable to go (even though he was out of work at the time and desperately needed a job). I cannot even move out of the suburb without a shed load of grief because the kids go to school locally and dad lives a few streets away, which means I would have to drive to and from the area in peak hour traffic twice a day.

Basically I have resigned myself to staying put (in Brisbane, not necessarily the same suburb) until the youngest is 17 and finished school. I have told the kids that I plan to leave then so I'm giving them plenty of advance notice! This is 8 long years away. It sucks!

Thanks J! How are things your end now? Anything becoming clearer at all or have the responses to your threads made things worse LOL?!!!

..... sad for you but also now huge guilt trip that I should have stuck it out..... but my new relationship, complete with baby, would not have survived because his business was a five hour drive away so could only ever have been weekends for years. Anyway what's done's done & I just have to work on making my relationship with my two elder kids the best it can be.

nb Ruby it's your thread, be a bit mod-ish would you, & make sure we keep producing stuff that's of any help to you

Yeah sorry J that your thread has been taken off track.

Don't feel bad Fiona. Your circumstances are completely different to mine. Trust me, I have thought of giving the kids the ultimatum I've been that desperate at times. But I'm scared they would pick their dad too!

Kids of their age will usually want to stay with what they know - their friends, their school and so on - they don't like change. You were torn between a rock and a hard place.

No, honestly, I have been checking in frequently to see what responses I've been getting and weighing things up. Sorry gals, I'm not ignoring the thread....it was just such an intense week last week with advice on my other thread, that I had to take a step back from all my negative and painful thinking! I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation since Cricket's kick up the bum and I've decided to focus on working on "me" rather than picking out faults with my OH to justify leaving my relationship. I have to come to terms with myself and my own faults to feel comfortable in my own skin, and only then, will I be thinking 100% about what I really want rather than finding my own scape-goats (please note I said my own)

I apologise for being so messed-up last week....bear with me while I sort my head out

Hi J

That seems like a really sensible thing to do. Well done for taking that approach. Sometimes I think it is all too easy to blame everyone else around us (we all do it!). You may find you come to the same conclusion in the end but at least you will feel 100% in your decision. For me, I just knew in my hearts of hearts. The best way I can explain it is every cell in my body was crying out 'I can't stand it any longer', so I knew it was the right thing to do.

Usually, for women, by the time we have come to the leaving bit we have tried all avenues to work it out, it's not usually an overnight decision. So, while I agree it is good to look at yourself, don't push down your gut instinct either because that's just denial or tolerating something that is not right for you (I suppose the same in some ways as learning to live in a country that you just know is not right for you, you can put a positive spin on as much as you like and learn to be happy, but maybe your heart is not truly in it).

We're here if you need us!

Faye x

I'm glad I helped. Do you realise how many PM's I got telling me to ***** off? My smilies don't work but you can bet I'm smiling.
I got some nice ones too.

DO NOT apologise, and certainly don't apologise for being in a state. On top of that, anyone worth anything will not only bear with you but try to help you, bear that in mind.

I know you won't be particularly fazed by the 'anti' brigade, only one thing to add, a direct quote from myself (ego intact in this respect) in another thread:

Struggling to decide which if either side of the fence to come down on. I think the bottom line is if I were them & read this thread through (which I'm sure they are) they may feel a little sorry for having posted & seeing a number of negative comments about them not having taken advice. It's not nice to fail, but as several have said, there's a good case to be made for 'you can't regret things you've done, only those you haven't'. In our house my OH doesn't like it one bit if he give me advice about something & I don't take it - well I'm sorry tough. It's my choice to weigh up all the pros & cons & take advice or not. It doesn't mean I don't value his opinion, doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the advice, & it doesn't mean I won't realise my error/foolishness/ineptitude/bad luck or whatever, if necessary, some way down the line. I see this as the same. Don't anyone ever stop asking for advice, don't stop giving it, but don't expect everyone to take it. At least they've 'fessed up.

Keep the faith!

i was not over seas ...but in short...
Was married for 18 yrs had 5 children...found out my x had ben having an affair and abusing 2 of my children for 9 mths .....threw him out...fought in court for 21/2 yrs ...won full custody of kiddies,got good settlement etc,went on hols came back and my x had sold our home (top bloke),went in to homeless accomodation,single mum for 4 yrs .....met an amazing man ,moved to abu dhabi with new dh and 3 of the children (4 yrs ago),2 eldest boys live in new dh house in uk................only survived because i had fab parents(mum since died)and good friends ........life does go on xxxxxxxxxxxGOOD LUCKxxxxxxxxxx

Ruby I read your other thread, I think its sad it went of track as well and you were very brave putting your self out there and think of it as a positive step in the right direction.

have PM you

Thank you for everyone's responses, PM's & karma
In light of some major changes (in me and my forseeable future outlook), I'm going to ask that Pollyanna close this thread as separation is something I would rather not choose now, therefore, no need to keep it running. My head was grossly messed up for a long time and I morbidly focussed on and pined for going home regardless of the money situation (or lack of!)...to the extent that I lost focus on the effect it was doing to everyone. I suffered, we all suffered. And I woke up one morning and realised the destruction I'd been doing, so no more. The UK will always be there waiting for us and when we've made enough money for us to be happy with, then we will take it from there. Until then, I am working on 'my' issues and arranging for me & OH to attend relationship counselling.
Cheers,
Ruby