Separation experiences please....
 

Kind of following on from my other thread, which I am, by the way, sad that it went in a totally different direction to what I was originally asking :unsure:

I feel very exposed now, looking at it, with the content I loosely came out with - something I have a tendancy to do is dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole and as much as I try to dig myself out of it by offering words of validation and justification, I end up looking worse for it. And right now, I feel pretty darn emotionally naked!:o

Now....(breathe).....can anyone share any their stories and experiences of their break-ups/separations. How they got through it and found the courage. Did they find their partner's grief hard to deal with at the time of the breakdown? I mentioned on another thread that I could gain more strength and positivity from understanding people's experiences rather than just receiving sympathy/empathy to my situation (and please, not at all that I reject or turn my nose up at all those wonderful people that did offer such and send me lovely karma :wub: ) I've posted this thread in the Rovers now as it doesn't really apply to actually moving back to the UK, but even though it is a relationship issue, there must be stories of people who separated while living out of the UK and how they coped/struggled/got through it.

Ruby x

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Unfortunately, this is what sometimes happens when posters share very personal issues with others on these types of forums. It's a double edged sword, sometimes you gain inspiration and support from other people's comments/experiences, but it can also leave you open to unhelpful, critical and sometimes hurtful replies. There are some wise people on this forum (quoll springs to mind), so it might be more helpful to concentrate on the replies from those types. Developing a bit of a rhino hide might be good too.:D

Good luck with your separation experiences thread, I hope it keeps on track for you. Sorry I'm not able to help with this one. I haven't really been of much use to you!:)

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Hey Ruby!

Sorry to hear things are still rubbish.

Well I split with my ex husband when I was living in Australia. We'd only been here a year and it was very tough I am not going to lie. I hardly had any friends, the kids were very small and I was pretty much a stay at home mum. I felt awful for the children but I didn't have a huge amount of empathy for the x I have to admit because, even though he fell to pieces, he brought it on himself and he didn't care while I was going through the same thing while I was still in the relationship. If you are at the point where so much water is under the bridge it makes it easier. I didn't wish him ill but at the same time so much resentment was built up that it was either me or him and I needed to put myself first.

So in short, it can be done. It isn't easy. But I have never, ever regretted it.

Good luck.

Faye x

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

FAYE!! You're back!! :thumbsup: Missed your presence in these parts while you were having fun in the UK! ;)

Going to your reply Faye, was it you that left him then? And did you get the house, or did everything have to be dissolved and you and your girls find your own place to live? You had to stay there in Oz too, which I think if the same were forced upon me, I'd go crazy! What was the bottom line that your Ex crossed back then? If you'd rather not say on the forum, there is always F'Book.
Cheers hun :wub:

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Thanks for your input :)

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Thanks Janine :) I'd love to say good to be back, but I'd by lying! :lol:

We got in yesterday and on the way back from the airport was pretty much silence in the car. OH was quite looking forward to getting back (his own space and all that) and he just said god it looks horrible! :eek:
I've started an update in the other bit.

Anyway, going back to your post. Yes, I did leave him. I got 70% of everything because I had custody of the kids and also my family had helped us out financially which they took into consideration. So I kept the house as thankfully I was able to buy out his 30%. This was both a good and a bad thing. Good because it meant less disruption for the kids. Bad because over the years it was a bit of a stretch to keep a roof over our heads (it's a large property and didn't really need all that spacefor 3 of us) plus lots of cleaning, gardening and so on which is difficult when you're a single parent and working full time etc.

There probably wasn't a bottom line that ex crossed really, more an accumulation of things that I decided I couldn't live with. Basically we lived with his mum for 10 months when we moved here and that was really the straw that broke the camels back. I shan't bore you with the details but she was a 1950s throw back and I'm more of a feminist. He reverted to his neanderthal Aussie ways once we got back here and I just didn't want to turn into someone like his mum which is what he seemed to want.

What about you? Is it mainly the fact he doesn't want to return to UK or are there are other things that, even if you were in UK, you would want to split?

xxx

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Before this degenerates into a 'go get him' kind of thread. There are men on here that have been on the other side of this through no fault of their own, and paid dearly for it.:(

Just getting that in now. Carry on :D

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Absolutely, I never treated him disrespectfully - he was the father of my kids after all and he was a product of his upbringing in many ways (though I know you were not referrring to me specifically).

Personally I think it should be equal in terms of custodial and asset split between both parties. I only got more because of my family's contribution. Other than that, it would have been equal. Also, we now have joint custody of the children.

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Oh I understand that totally. Just pointing out that I am a (divorced) man (although I think Fluffy has her doubts :lol: )

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

I am sure that a male pov is just as valid, we are talking about human emotions and how to cope with a split after all. In my previous job I came across both men and women who had been badly done by - one always hopes that break ups can be civilized but I have supported both mothers and fathers in highly uncivilized battles.

I am interested too to see what experiences people can give Ruby because this is an area (thank heavens) that I cant give a first hand experience. The only thing I would say is that if you are going to do it, you need a strong support network behind you or be a very strong and independent minded individual in your own right.

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

I have experience in this Ruby, but I am feeling a bit unwell today. When i am a bit more perky I shall give my 2 cents worth.

All i can say for now is that i so understand how you are feeling. Its not easy and theres some very hard decisions ahead for you.

Hugs

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Hope you're feeling up to top notch again soon Flea and when you are, I look forward to hearing your experience.
Take it easy :wub:

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Sorry, I know that there are men who have been on the receiving end of no say in a separation, and I'm sorry if this happened to you :o I don't want this to turn into a "all men are B@st@rds" thread...that's not my objective. I just want to hear of women's experiences ending a relationship/marriage while living abroad. I've pulled my OH to bits in my other thread, but I don't want to do that in this one....I would rather focus on the fact that we have outgrown each other in what we each want out of life now and that things have worsened due to our differing opinions on returning to the UK/Staying in Canada.

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Thanks for sharing your story Faye. It was obviously very hard for you too....even though you got the house, you still suffered because you were prevented from leaving Oz and going home with your daughters - one brave lady :thumbup:

Re: Separation experiences please....
 

Assets - well yes I think that's reasonable, unless there was a huge disparity of input (kind of an informal 'pre-nup' relying on the goodwill of both parties....
Re kids I was of the same view until it happened to me. I know - because my ex seemed to be one - that men can be very good single parents, very good indeed. Ultimately, though, I can't help but think the mum is the better option. Part of my reason for saying that is what happened with us. Thinking we were being liberal-minded, fair, modern, etc - & having 'shared' our time with them for a year or so after the split - we gave the kids (14 & 11 at the time) the choice of whether to stay with him in the town they knew at the school they knew etc or whether to move with me & my new partner & baby to a different county. They chose to remain with Dad. Now however much everyone says that was kids taking the easy option, friends, familiar surroundings etc., it feels like a Mum v Dad decision & when it became clear (which it should have been all along) that my ex wasn't actually terribly good at day to day discipline, and certainly not terribly proactive in terms of teenage battles of wills, etc., things started going a bit pearshaped in their household.
Anyway, I've gone right off Ruby's topic, whoops sorry didn't mean to do that to a second thread:o sorry but I just thought it was quite an important point, sharing is NOT necessarily the best option.