Celticspirit

My American and Jamaican family and friends find this strange, as we are, by nature, very open and welcoming and entertain in our homes and back yards - think of barbecues at the slightest hint of celebration. At one time in the US I used to belong to a church where, within a few weeks of joining, I was welcomed to meals, barbecues, and field trips, and the ladies used to meet in each others homes for tea. Sometimes we would have breakfast in a restaurant before church services began, though more often it was a trip to a restaurant for lunch after.

That sounds like the life you are missing. Are you not able to get back to that life again? Even if you have to return to the USA? Sounds so sociable xx

Fish n Chips 56

Rosie.
I do think you will find real friends at some point because you are willing to put in the effort looking, Dont give up.

mikelincs

Same thing here, we are in an 'over 55s development' and, although we are friendly to everyone we meet, pass the time of day and chat as we pass in the corridors, we only really meet people when we go to the social events, like coffee mornings, meetings etc.

brits1

Hi if you can try and visit York, its like Chester but I find there is a bit more to see. Also North Wales, Conwy Castle and even the olde worlde resort of Llandudno is a pleasant stop with the Great Orm etc, If you like shopping the Cheshire Oaks is a decent Retail Outlet. Have Fun wherever you visit.

islandwoman120

Thanks Fish, and everyone else who has written on this topic. I am not giving up yet - I have so far tried a variety of events: joined with others meeting at a local church hall to make blankets for an orphanage in Malawi - that was fine, until I was told that the reason the church opened the gatherings to outsiders was so they would join the church (it has only a small, elderly congregation), and I was given a phone call to that effect, plus a lecture on belief in God. So I completed my self-imposed quota and handed them in, then left.
At the same time I was serving teas and coffees at a local drop in centre, that gathers a group of regulars as well as visitors in the summer. All fine and dandy, but everyone was in their late 80s and upwards, except for the summer visitors - so no friendships there, though I do know a lot of elderly local people to say 'hi' to in the street.
Now I am trying a different approach: along with 2 other residents, I care for the gardens where I live as well as growing veggies in containers under my window (I live downstairs). So I am going to the next Dawlish Gardening Group meeting to see if there are any people on my wave length. And I have a meeting booked with the local Transition group for next Tuesday. There, at least, I should find common interests.

I will report back to " BE base" when I have been to both.

islandwoman120

Hi Celticspirit. Yes it is the life I am missing, but I can't access it here where I now am - it's NOT DONE. Too familiar, so not British . Today I was talking to one of the ladies here and she said Devon was very family oriented, which was why I was having a difficult transition. My Frome experience was the closest I got to reliving my US lifestyle, but as you know from my postings over the years, that place was (and still is) fraught with social problems. I am on the waiting list for two senior places in Bath - close enough to Frome to still see my friends regularly (they have made the trip down here to visit me, one of them every few months so we are real friends, not acquaintances), but that may take about 5 years as the lists are long. Which is fine (stiff upper lip here!) - I get to be a tourist for a longer time, write on this list for more months, and do a whole lot of textiles while I am waiting. I have an Art Pass giving access to art galleries and museum nationwide, and have been going on weekly jaunts to various places to maximise it's usage.
Hence the recent trips to Bermondsey, London and St. Ives, Cornwall, all memorialised on Flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/islandw...7634077921778/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/islandw...7633958622542/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/islandw...7633956059461/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/islandw...7633960154843/
All of that gives me access to people in the street, on the bus, on the train and at whatever event I go to. It does not give me access to a friend to have a cuppa with, or a meal, or even a walk on the beach, so the search continues. And if all else fails, I shall become a cyber groupie and live vicariously - NOT!!!

Going back to the US is not a viable option, but at times it is very tempting. I don't give up easily.....

jasper123

Hi Windsong I relate to just about your whole post here, and very well put indeed, especially I like the bit about you saying you were in a PR Job for years and that it involved doing your business directly with the general public,
My longest career for 28 years was in time share, working for massive 5 star resorts in Vegas, Reno, Lake Tahoe, and New Jersey, I was talking direct to the public to make my living, and I did make a good living for most of that time, so I guess I must have been quite good at what I did, and I loved my Job, and loved talking to people and analyzing every single one of them to see what lights there fire!!!!
But just like you after my working day came to an end I just wanted to retreat to my home where I lived alone most of those years, and I didn't want to talk to anyone until the next day at work, part of it was in my Job I would be talking and talking some days non stop and going home after work and having a nice glass of wine or something to unwind was a must !!!
The last 14 years in my Job was in Vegas, and I was lucky enough to have three very good friends, all American, and the friendship stemmed for 12 years and is still going strong now Im back home in UK through e-mails and phone calls,
these are real friends, the type that will do anything for you, and just by there actions and caring you just know that they are genuine, something like I would imaging a friendship over here would be in UK,

Islandwoman/Rosie
But here I am been back home in my home town for two & half years now, and just like you outside my ever shrinking family I have not made one single friend here, except wonderful Don and Tippawan in Shropshire who I have met and spent 3 lovely days as there house guest,
And John & June from Norfolk, they came down to Pompey for a few days last year and we got together over a pub lunch and beers, I really enjoyed there company too, I met both of these families on this B.E. thread,
But I know nobody here in Pompey that I can just go for lunch with or a drink once and a while or even a nice walk along the beach, or in the country,
You would think really after all my experience in a Job constantly meeting new people every day for decades that I would be really open and good at meeting people, but Im not, take me away from that work and Im shy, reclusive, and lack confidence in myself, and even to the extreme of thinking that I shouldn't be trying to impose myself on people, like I think that they dont really want to be bothered with me, to thinking that Im not really worthy of taking up too much of there time, to thinking that they probably have quite enough long term friends so not looking for any new ones,

What Ive noticed in the UK, especially England is that people here of all generations have very long term friendships built up over many many years, mostly I think they met each other through there work or through club memberships,
For example my nephew has a very open personality and is one of those people who can meet people easily, but even he at 48 probably hasn't met a NEW friend for 15 years, most of all his ---- as he calls them (mates) have been good friends for many years,
Another example, right in front of my nose, my Mother, age 94 this Saturday, she has 5 real close friends all in there late 80's and 90's who she has known for 50 years, all of them!!!! most she met when she was in her 40's when she was a member of a keep fit club here in Pompey, for years they would meet once or twice a week, for decades she was going to this club, and gradually she had 5 great friends that lasted a life time,
I think thats how its always been here in England, most people here have friends and real friends too, but I think they met each other when they were youngish, and they turn into life long friendships, and they just really dont need any more friends, or want any more, its like a shop on closing time!!!!
or a job with no more vacancies,
I know Im generalizing a lot I suppose, and there must be exceptions, but the way I see it over here is that most people just dont go out and try and find new friends when they are in there 60's or 70's, most people that have lived in the same town in the same country for all or most of there life here already have a group of friends that they have built up over time from when they were youngish, and these friendships go on forever, even after death, which is what a really true friendship is all about isn't it!!!!

trottytrue

Mummy in the foothills..Your daughter will enjoy Hoole it has everything you want you dont have to go into Chester. Tell her I lived on Hewitt Street, and got married in All Saints Church. She is so lucky. The shops have changed quite a lot and mostly for the better. The bus service into Chester is really good.

trottytrue

Islandwoman..... I think it is really hard to make friends as you get older I have the same situation as you people here are nice they say hello and chat but thats it. We have moved 3 times during the past 2 years and its been the same in each neighbourhood. I have given up on really making any close friends. if you have friends willing to travel to see you then I think you are a step in the right direction and you have a great deal going for you more so than me. You have buses you can get on and trains and so many places to visit. Don't give up it may take a while but you will eventually find your place.

trottytrue

Islandwoman.....Your pictures are wonderful I would swop places with you tomorrow. I decided to try and venture out into the world at least try and find some new friends I joined an art class and although I met some nice people I just didnt feel like I fit in. I find nothing in common. Remember its a struggle no matter where you live. Just keep on taking the pictures and doing what you enjoy and who knows what will come your way. I like you long to sit down with a friend in a cafe and have a nice cup of tea and a good chat.

Celticspirit

Trotty....you are so right. It's always let's do lunch and you never hear from them again. My two best friends here are British and dog shows are what we have in common. I love these friends. Sadly they don't live in Dallas....We would do anything for each other. Luckily the dog how world is universal and I have many friends in the places I have judged....maybe not so intimate, but a common passion. The fact that I bred a dog that became #1 in that breed in the UK after winning at Crufts in 2007 and having gone to Crufts and Windsor dog shows several times, has allowed me to make many doggie friends. I also judged in Northern Ireland last year. After arriving my first step is to apply to join local dog clubs. They generally meet monthly so I hope to make contacts locally. I am well known in the UK for my dogs. That's not what I worry about. it's more about finding a place to live that is near my brother.....Expensive area and finding somewhere dog friendly. I will not look to buy at 69+ I still find it surreal i am starting over.

cheers

It is so much better here but don't tell everyone.
These people live in paradise and don't know it.
Yesterday we visited Wrexham and also we walked the aqueduct and saw all the long boats (barges) There are lots of them.
Everyone is our age.
We visited our first Morrisons yesterday.
Cheers

islandwoman120

Nice posting, Cheers. Glad that you are loving all that you see - when you take off the rose coloured glasses (after you have seen your first graffitti, or dog poo on the streets + fag ends all over) let us know. OK, leave on the glasses - it looks better that way.
Morrisons is a decent grocery store - enjoy!

Mummy in the foothills

You are going to all my old haunts, getting more jealous by the minute
Snowdon, Conwy, Wrexham, Chester. Did you get to Cheshire oaks outlets yet? I still haven't been there.

NiHao

Whenever you move somewhere new it can be very hard to make friends unless you are in college, working or have children and even then it can still be difficult because people already have their circle of friends and not enough time to spend with them let alone invest in a possible new friend.

islandwoman120 have you thought about creating what you haven't been able to find? I mean a "venue" that allows you to have the opportunity to spend time with people who could potentially become friends. Think of what interests you want to have in common with friends and create a club that might attract like minded people. Maybe a "New to the Area" type thing? I think if you are up for organizing it you might find "if you build it they will come"

For example the church blanket thing that you went to was in reality a church recruitment but what about if you set up something similar and clearly mark it as not affiliated to any church/religion. It could be that there were one or two other people who saw the church one and didn't go because they are not religious but they might be interested in something you organized.

Photography - your pictures are wonderful maybe you could start a small photography club that sets up visits to interesting locations to take photos, perhaps with a pub lunch/dinner afterwards. Maybe group visits to photography exhibitions, perhaps booking of a photography teacher/expert to give occasional "in the field" classes.

Art group for trips to art exhibitions, museums?

I'm thinking an interest that you enjoy that lends itself to the opportunity to meet a few other people (in many ways the smaller the group the better) to share that interest but also have some built in socializing time. A pure class often does not lend itself to time for building friendships because its focus is learning only. Your club/group would be learning/shared experience/interest and opportunity for friendship.

Be aware that depending on the time of day and whether its on weekdays or weekends that you set meetings for will dictate whether its only people not working or retired who can attend, if you want to have younger members you'd probably need to have it on weekends or evenings.

A postcard in a local shop, advert in the classified section, send a "blurb" on it to the local paper they are always looking for stuff to write about and will most likely be happy to do a little piece on "expat setting up local group for ...."

I'm just thinking that if you set up the group or groups yourself you might have better luck because you can tailor them to yourself, set up times and venues that work for you and have "opportunity to create friendships" specifically stated as part of the purpose.