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Letting go of friendships...

Letting go of friendships...

Old Feb 18th 2008, 6:42 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

I have a slightly different problem regarding friends. I have found with those who remained in UK and have pretty much not strayed from where we all grew up, that I have very little in common with these days. It isnt their fault or mine, but I have spent so many years seeing, doing and experiencing things they could never comprehend that my view of the world is entirely different to them now. I am not saying any of us are right or wrong, we just dont sing from the same hymn sheet anymore.
I feel quite lonely in myself because of it too. I find Australians on the whole somewhat alien to me, but by the same token so are my old relationships. It does wirry me as i am a very social person, but i cant seem to find anyone on the same page as me. Its a bit worrying for a 45yr old as i sometimes think i will be friendless forever and people will think i am some sort of weird eccentric or social misfit I'm certainly not, just unable to find a crowd i fit with.

Maybe we should start a 40+, confused, expat returnees, lost in the quagmire club
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 1:26 am
  #17  
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Originally Posted by Fleaflyfloflum
I have a slightly different problem regarding friends. I have found with those who remained in UK and have pretty much not strayed from where we all grew up, that I have very little in common with these days. It isnt their fault or mine, but I have spent so many years seeing, doing and experiencing things they could never comprehend that my view of the world is entirely different to them now. I am not saying any of us are right or wrong, we just dont sing from the same hymn sheet anymore.
I feel quite lonely in myself because of it too. I find Australians on the whole somewhat alien to me, but by the same token so are my old relationships. It does wirry me as i am a very social person, but i cant seem to find anyone on the same page as me. Its a bit worrying for a 45yr old as i sometimes think i will be friendless forever and people will think i am some sort of weird eccentric or social misfit I'm certainly not, just unable to find a crowd i fit with.

Maybe we should start a 40+, confused, expat returnees, lost in the quagmire club
It's true when they say you can never go back. You may be in the same place physically but mentally everything has shifted. There are no folk in our social circle that have ever lived in another country so can't relate on that score even if they have travelled on holiday. You ultimately develop different types of friendships but they don't quite have the same depth.
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 1:52 am
  #18  
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

[QUOTE=SarahInTX;5951469]

Would you feel the same way if it was a romantic relationship that you felt had run it's course? Obviously you'd feel some sorrow (probably ), and yes, some guilt (maybe ), but you know that it's time to move on and so you do!

QUOTE]

In some ways, it actually feels like a romantic relationship that's run it's course - and yes, I feel it's time to move on. I don't want to patch things up with her - it may be that I'm being sulky, and will come around, but somehow, I doubt it. There's too much I've been unable to share with her. What shocked me a bit was how suddenly it seemed to happen - though like I said, the writing was on the wall.

Originally Posted by sambapink
she told me they couldn't afford it... which frankly is bull**it... They are booking a villa in spain instead..

Maybe i'm being paranoid... I want to be a grownup and confront her... but i hate confrontation... She's been a great friend in lots of respects... even though I have completely disagreed with her way of thinking in many respects.. I truely feel that she thinks i'm showing off or something.. Argggghhhh.. its a toughie!... (apologies for the essay!)
That doesn't sound like paranoia at all. You sound very similar to me, in that you seem to have guilty feelings about this.

Originally Posted by Tegwyn
It can be a very painful process to examine what our friends do for or to us - and sometimes that means having to recognize that it is time to let go. I went through that process with 2 friends and had to acknowledge that their friendship had stopped being sincere. Holding on for the sake of history just gets you stuck with a truckload of hurt. Value the friendship for what it was but let it slide. If this friend decides to try work things out then consider the effort but it really is necessary to discuss the problem or it becomes a continuation of the same old baggage. It's hard but sometimes very necessary. Living in different worlds unfortunately does force the distancing of relationships.
That is excellent advice - hard to take, because of the bitter feelings that can arise. But it's the only way to go for peace of mind, I think.

[QUOTE=Fleaflyfloflum;5952433]I have a slightly different problem regarding friends. I have found with those who remained in UK and have pretty much not strayed from where we all grew up, that I have very little in common with these days. It isnt their fault or mine, but I have spent so many years seeing, doing and experiencing things they could never comprehend that my view of the world is entirely different to them now. I am not saying any of us are right or wrong, we just dont sing from the same hymn sheet anymore.
I feel quite lonely in myself because of it too. I find Australians on the whole somewhat alien to me, but by the same token so are my old relationships. It does wirry me as i am a very social person, but i cant seem to find anyone on the same page as me. Its a bit worrying for a 45yr old as i sometimes think i will be friendless forever and people will think i am some sort of weird eccentric or social misfit I'm certainly not, just unable to find a crowd i fit with.

Maybe we should start a 40+, confused, expat returnees, lost in the quagmire club [/QUOTE]

Ditto all that!!
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 1:52 am
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Sorry, I buggered the quotes up
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 2:00 am
  #20  
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Originally Posted by ElaineQ
Has anyone else experienced the following - I would be especially interested in hearing from older people - I'm 45 - because friendships seem to be a whole different ball game when you're older. I have been in the States for 13 years and have had some very negative experiences with people (not all American, by a long chalk, I might add!) Right now, it's my friendships in the UK that are bothering me. A couple of years ago, I let a friend of 25 years slip away, because it was time. She could be quite rude and abusive. Perhaps it is just difficult to get past those teenage patturns of behaviour. The woman I always thought of as my best friend, is smart, funny and intelligent, and just a nice person, but it seems we've drifted apart over the years. I've lived in the States for 13 years and she lives in the UK. I realise the writing has been on the wall for many years. We had some wonderful, great times together, but even early in the friendship, I noticed she never really seemed to be on my side regarding anything, somewhat judgemental, really. Many years ago, she was going through a very difficult time and we didn't live in the same town. I told her she could talk to me about it, but she replied that she had other people she could talk to. About five years ago, OH and I went through a very difficult time. I don't remember confiding in her except for one occasion. Last summer, on a visit home, a mutual friend asked me what OH was like. Before I could answer, my 'best friend' replied, "He's lovely. She's lucky to have him." It was said in a jokey sort of way, but it cut me. During that same visit, I asked her for a recent photograph of her two kids. She looked at me as if I was mad and replied, "What do you want a photograph of someone else's children for?" There have been many other instances of this kind. I know I could write to her, or call her to talk about it - we've had no contact since early August last year - but I don't want to. I feel suddenly very awkward and - a strange word to use, but POLITE - around her. I feel it's a friendship I don't want to invest anymore time in - yet for 20 years, I had thought of her as my best friend. I'll be moving home with my family in a couple of years time, and to be honest, I don't know how to behave with this particular friendship. She is very negative about my returning to the UK anyway, telling me there is nothing there and that I must be stupid to want to go back, etc, so I can't share my plans with her.
I hear about people who have been married for years, divorce and then don't know how to get back into dating, don't know the rules anymore. I feel like this with friendships - how DO you make friends when you're not young anymore?!
Sorry to ramble. I'm not feeling sorry for myself (well, yes, I am, just a bit) just curious to know if it's just me!

I'm just on the wrong side of 40 and have been away from the UK for 16 years. I can count on one hand (without using all fingers! )the friends who have kept in touch and with whom I feel comfortable when I go back on holidays. It's inevitable that time and distance does this to friendships. I have picked up wonderful friends along the way and I think if you dont set very high expectations of people you will be fine. If you are settling at home now join local organisations, volunteer etc and you are bound to befriend a few like minded people. They say in life that all friendships are different. Our different friends meet different needs in each of us. I wouldnt rely only on one person for friendship. I think in your case Elaine you have put up with alot. Let it go and spread yourself around a bit more. Dont worry I bet there are lots of people looking for a breath of fresh air (you) to be friends with.
One warning though is people generally dont really want to know what you did in your previous life unless they too have been living overseas! (A complaint I have heard many times).
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 2:02 am
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Do you know what really got me started on thread? On sunday, I made the mistake, being very hormonal and not having eaten any lunch, of going to Sears to pick up my new Dyson vacuum cleaner. I won't go into the details of the story, but I ended up absolutely SCREAMING abuse at a woman in the car park. To some extent, the sanctimonious fool deserved it, but I was HORRIFIED at myself. My language was, well, APPALLING. As bad as it can get What I needed after that, more than anything, was a friend to talk to, and I thought about my friend in England, and I realised that she would not have been on my side at all, but would have pointed out that what I did was wrong (why thankyou. That simply didn't occur to me...). My ex SIL, on the other hand, would have laughed heartily, called me a daft bat and offered me a cup of tea or a glass of wine. In fact, I am going to email her right now to let her know how glad I am that she's my friend...
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Old Feb 19th 2008, 5:45 am
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Good for you Elaine... See thats what makes you a good friend.. taking the time out to tell someone that you care and appreciate their friendship..
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Old Feb 20th 2008, 1:37 am
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Originally Posted by sambapink
Good for you Elaine... See thats what makes you a good friend.. taking the time out to tell someone that you care and appreciate their friendship..
Thanks - and I did email her, bless her. Sometimes we think about these things and don't do them. I got a phone call last night from a friend here in the States, to let me know that a friend of hers and former work colleague of mine is dying. She's only 44. My friend said, "All the times she asked me to go to lunch with her, or shopping with her, all the times she asked me round for dinner, and most of the time I said no, because I thought I was too busy. I regret it so much."
I've called in sick for the past two days, because I feel I really need to take some time out, get myself together and reconnect with people I care about. I'm very rarely physically sick (touch wood...), but when I get down like this, it's often because I AM trying to fight off an infection. Just seems to be the way my body works. I do feel a bit guilty about it though
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Old Feb 20th 2008, 4:01 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Letting go of friendships...

Originally Posted by ElaineQ
Do you know what really got me started on thread? On sunday, I made the mistake, being very hormonal and not having eaten any lunch, of going to Sears to pick up my new Dyson vacuum cleaner. I won't go into the details of the story, but I ended up absolutely SCREAMING abuse at a woman in the car park. To some extent, the sanctimonious fool deserved it, but I was HORRIFIED at myself. My language was, well, APPALLING. As bad as it can get What I needed after that, more than anything, was a friend to talk to, and I thought about my friend in England, and I realised that she would not have been on my side at all, but would have pointed out that what I did was wrong (why thankyou. That simply didn't occur to me...). My ex SIL, on the other hand, would have laughed heartily, called me a daft bat and offered me a cup of tea or a glass of wine. In fact, I am going to email her right now to let her know how glad I am that she's my friend...
Elanie, what a lovely e-mail your friend is receiving. It would mean the world to me of a friend e-mailed me like this. I bet you made her day
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