ElaineQ

Has anyone else experienced the following - I would be especially interested in hearing from older people - I'm 45 - because friendships seem to be a whole different ball game when you're older. I have been in the States for 13 years and have had some very negative experiences with people (not all American, by a long chalk, I might add!) Right now, it's my friendships in the UK that are bothering me. A couple of years ago, I let a friend of 25 years slip away, because it was time. She could be quite rude and abusive. Perhaps it is just difficult to get past those teenage patturns of behaviour. The woman I always thought of as my best friend, is smart, funny and intelligent, and just a nice person, but it seems we've drifted apart over the years. I've lived in the States for 13 years and she lives in the UK. I realise the writing has been on the wall for many years. We had some wonderful, great times together, but even early in the friendship, I noticed she never really seemed to be on my side regarding anything, somewhat judgemental, really. Many years ago, she was going through a very difficult time and we didn't live in the same town. I told her she could talk to me about it, but she replied that she had other people she could talk to. About five years ago, OH and I went through a very difficult time. I don't remember confiding in her except for one occasion. Last summer, on a visit home, a mutual friend asked me what OH was like. Before I could answer, my 'best friend' replied, "He's lovely. She's lucky to have him." It was said in a jokey sort of way, but it cut me. During that same visit, I asked her for a recent photograph of her two kids. She looked at me as if I was mad and replied, "What do you want a photograph of someone else's children for?" There have been many other instances of this kind. I know I could write to her, or call her to talk about it - we've had no contact since early August last year - but I don't want to. I feel suddenly very awkward and - a strange word to use, but POLITE - around her. I feel it's a friendship I don't want to invest anymore time in - yet for 20 years, I had thought of her as my best friend. I'll be moving home with my family in a couple of years time, and to be honest, I don't know how to behave with this particular friendship. She is very negative about my returning to the UK anyway, telling me there is nothing there and that I must be stupid to want to go back, etc, so I can't share my plans with her.
I hear about people who have been married for years, divorce and then don't know how to get back into dating, don't know the rules anymore. I feel like this with friendships - how DO you make friends when you're not young anymore?!
Sorry to ramble. I'm not feeling sorry for myself (well, yes, I am, just a bit) just curious to know if it's just me!

G586

It's harder when you don't have a dog or kids, I've moved a lot and always had to make friends as best I could. Volunteering, walking, classes, neighbours, new friends do come but it does take time.....be kind to yourself.

jumping doris

I know what you mean.
We have only been here since 2005 but, despite working hard to keep friendships up, they are beginning to slip away.

My best friend doesn't fly...never has, never will, so she will never come here to see me.
Other close friends always seem happy when I phone them but they never phone me.
We haven't been back since we moved here as it's just too expensive for 5 of us. I can't go on my own as there is no-one to look after my youngest before and after school and so I think some friends are beginning to forget us.

No-one seems to want a freeish holiday here so I suppose sadly we will drift apart.

ElaineQ

I'm sorry you're going through that, especially since you have only been away a couple of years. I suppose it is inevitable that we drift away from or outgrow our friendships, especially when we are at the time in our lives when we are raising a family, but it's so sad. I wonder if your friends back home worry about the cost of calling? I understand that BT has a ?Friends and Family package, which cuts the cost a lot.

ElaineQ

Yes, I was thinking about classes and clubs and stuff. It is an exciting thought, and I can't wait, as I won't be working then! Being kind to myself - now that's a hard one - haven't quite figured out the best way of doing it!

jumping doris

We use Vonage which gives friends in the UK a local number to use.
Some people have kept in touch but not the ones we expected.

I just think that, for those back in the UK, their lives just carried on, once we had left. They still had all their other friends and activities etc.
For us, though, we were completely on our own when we arrived here so our thoughts tended to stay with all the people we had left behind and they were more important to us than we were to them....if that makes sense.

It's just life, you have to move on.
I have made loads of friends here but it's early days to begin feeling they are best friends.
Someone I recently met, who I thought seemed a kindred spirit has turned out to be a very mean spirited, manipulative person. It's no great loss but I am glad I hadn't told her anything personal.

Eastbound

[QUOTE=ElaineQ;5949245]Has anyone else experienced the following - I would be especially interested in hearing from older people - I'm 45 - because friendships seem to be a whole different ball game when you're older. I have been in the States for 13 years and have had some very negative experiences with people (not all American, by a long chalk, I might add!) Right now, it's my friendships in the UK that are bothering me. A couple of years ago, I let a friend of 25 years slip away, because it was time. She could be quite rude and abusive. Perhaps it is just difficult to get past those teenage patturns of behaviour. The woman I always thought of as my best friend, is smart, funny and intelligent, and just a nice person, but it seems we've drifted apart over the years. I've lived in the States for 13 years and she lives in the UK. I realise the writing has been on the wall for many years. We had some wonderful, great times together, but even early in the friendship, I noticed she never really seemed to be on my side regarding anything, somewhat judgemental, really.

Hi Elaine

Could totally empathise with your post I had a friendship quite similar to that found that the other persons negativity was so draining that for my own sense of wellbeing I had to end the friendship as no matter how much I gave it was never enough emotionally for them ,some people are just 'storm crows'
only around when they are feeling bad but never there when you need them.
Luckily having learnt that lesson I give these people a wide berth but its still difficult to have to go through the experiance .
Your friend didnt realise how lucky she was to have you as a friend , her loss, dont worry it wont be long before you have great friends who are like minded and make you happy just stick with it, the nice ones are out there.YOu just have to look a little harder for them
all the best
EB

annabella

Hello Elaine. Was amused about the "older" reference you made saying that you are 45. Let me just say that I WISH!

Your best friend is not a true friend. Sounds like a bad case of jealousy to me. Don't waste time on her. Life is too short. Spend the saved energy on other things. New friends do come along but as somebody else here said, it takes time. Chin up!

Marmalade

[QUOTE=Eastbound;5949906] EB,
You are very right about giving these types of people a wide-berth. I have been through this several times with 'friends.' I found myself always being the one that cared about them when they were having rough times. One person in particular drained the life out of me!!! Then I realised that she never really asked me how my life was going or even cared - very selfish human being. I finally was able to cut her out of my life this past year. It was made easier by the fact that she lived in another state, so I just quit answering her telephone calls, and after years of this she finally gave up contacting me, thank god

My best friend lives in New York (long story, we are both from Scotland), and she said to me one time that just because she hasn't been in touch for a while does not mean that she doesn't think about me and care about me. She is definitely my best friend. Has been for nearly 25 years. We know what each other is thinking and have great memories that will last forever.

Comparing the two types of friendships made me realise that I wasn't really losing anything by dropping the so-called friend, as she wasn't any type of friend I needed or wanted in my life.

ElaineQ,
I am 41, 42 this year, and do worry about moving back home and making friends. Real friends, but I am going to put some effort into joining clubs etc. I would never have done this 20 years ago as I am a very shy person, very private person, but I am older and wiser and feel that I can take things with a grain of salt now that I could not have when I was younger. I realise that if someone treats me badly, then it's not my fault, it is them that have issues. But, I don't need to put up with it, or be their so-called friend. Too many nice people out there to settle for that type of friendship.

Good luck Elaine, I'll be right there with you trying to fit back in

Eastbound

My best friend lives in New York (long story, we are both from Scotland), and she said to me one time that just because she hasn't been in touch for a while does not mean that she doesn't think about me and care about me. She is definitely my best friend. Has been for nearly 25 years. We know what each other is thinking and have great memories that will last forever.

Comparing the two types of friendships made me realise that I wasn't really losing anything by dropping the so-called friend, as she wasn't any type of friend I needed or wanted in my life.

Thanks Marmalade

Your so right , friends seem to become more important as you get older dont they, i'm of a similar age and the greatest thing I miss about the uk is leaving two really good friends who ive known since school but we have such a great time when we meet up its like weve never been away
All the best
EB

G586

If your friend was saying bad things, you would gently support them and give them confidence, that's all you have to do for yourself. Treat yourself like a friend as you do spend more time with yourself than anyone else!

ElaineQ

Yes, it does make sense. Also, the people who have turned out to be the most supportive are not the ones I expected, either. My ex-sister-in-law, and my ex-boyfriend (who was one of the reasons I fled over here in the first place! Long story, but somehow, we have remained friends!) and his partner are the ones who have been caring and supporting - a bit of a shock, really!


The jealousy thing - you know, I don't get it, but I have a feeling you may have hit the nail on the head. Yet she has a near idyllic lifestyle - lives in a lovely place, very strong family support, happy marriage, a very sorted out kind of woman. I keep looking back, wondering if maybe I haven't been the friend I should have been, but I reject that thought - I think that I have been a good friend. When I was younger, I was emotionally quite needy and self absorbed, and I think that can get on people's nerves and be draining, so maybe she still thinks of me in that way, and tries to pre-empt any negative remark she thinks I'm about to make. However, another thing I will say about myself is that I've always been a very kind person and also very funny at times - I'm good party material! Maybe at the end of the day it's just that we have drifted apart.

SarahInTX

It seems that you feel guilty -- on one hand about not being a "good" friend and on the other because you are letting the friendship go. You don't have to feel guilty on either count. We all grow and change, and the friends that we had at one point in our lives are not necessarily the same one we have later. Particularly when you've had life experiences that are so completely different.

Would you feel the same way if it was a romantic relationship that you felt had run it's course? Obviously you'd feel some sorrow (probably ), and yes, some guilt (maybe ), but you know that it's time to move on and so you do!

Don't worry about what she or others may think about you going home. It's your life and you have to make choices that are best for you and not to please anyone else.

sambapink

Elaine... Thank you so much for this thread.... I was going to share a similar situation that I had experianced... We have friends back home that have been our friends for years.. Infact my OH went to nursery school with my 'best' friend's OH.. and thats how we became friends... We have been through alot together... up's AND down's.. My friends reaction to us moving abroad was interesting to say the least... She just about stopped short of calling us selfish.. They are the type of family that talk a good fight about changing their lives.. but will probably live in the same house all their lives.. Which is absolutely fine... just don't stamp on our dreams.. Anyway we have kept intouch.. and she came and visited us in October with one of her daughters (my daughters best friend).. and she was very non-plus about our new home/lives/surroundings.. she'd say things like 'its very quiet isn't it' or just slag the americans off... Anyway recently i have noticed that when we communicate i find i'm asking how shes getting on... hows work.. hows the kids.. what did u do this weekend.. even what are u having for dinner!! All because i want her to know I still interested and not forgotten her.. However when I tell her what we are doing its a different story... Nine times out of ten,,..i'm telling her the trials and tribualtions of starting a new life and she's full of advice and support... but when i say oh we had a great weekend we went to San Diego/Palm Springs etc... shes like 'oh thats nice' and then it moves on... Its like shes disappointed that we're happy and not suffering!!! They were all supposed to be coming out in August but she told me this week they aren't coming... she told me they couldn't afford it... which frankly is bull**it... They are booking a villa in spain instead..

Maybe i'm being paranoid... I want to be a grownup and confront her... but i hate confrontation... She's been a great friend in lots of respects... even though I have completely disagreed with her way of thinking in many respects.. I truely feel that she thinks i'm showing off or something.. Argggghhhh.. its a toughie!... (apologies for the essay!)

Tegwyn

It can be a very painful process to examine what our friends do for or to us - and sometimes that means having to recognize that it is time to let go. I went through that process with 2 friends and had to acknowledge that their friendship had stopped being sincere. Holding on for the sake of history just gets you stuck with a truckload of hurt. Value the friendship for what it was but let it slide. If this friend decides to try work things out then consider the effort but it really is necessary to discuss the problem or it becomes a continuation of the same old baggage. It's hard but sometimes very necessary. Living in different worlds unfortunately does force the distancing of relationships.