In my case, DD is 21 and about to graduate from college. She is supportive of us leaving and will be self sufficient with her first full time job as soon as she graduates. She absolutely LOVES the idea of a second home in Europe. And totally understands that with her Dad turning 70 in 3 years, it makes good sense to settle somewhere soon while his health is still good.

And yet, she is an only child, and it is easy to feel guilty about leaving her "alone," although she will hardly be alone what with extended family and friends all over the US. Then there are the questions about the future - when she has children, and how much time we will get to spend with then. OTOH, she could be living clear across the country, or even in another country herself, and we would still have to hop on a plane.

I do worry most that she will marry a USC and maybe one day face the situation we are in now. Better she should marry someone European. It would be easier for him to obtain a green card. Not my decision of course. But I think we need to bring back parental matchmaking

My point is (and I do have one ) you could drive yourself crazy trying to make this decision. Balance your gut feeling with practicalities. It could be that you can make this work both ways for you. Asking for a leave of absence from your present company is an excellent idea. They obviously value you highly, so maybe this won't be such a stretch.

Alternatively, ask for a year's deferment from the new job, giving both you and your child the opportunity to get used to you moving. Then reevaluate when the time comes.

Sorry for the novel....really wishing you well and understand what you are going through. Glad you are getting such great responses here. Check in often as you work this through so we can be your sounding board

For what it is worth, I will add this . . .

I grew up with a father who "technically" lived at home with us but was gone from home far, far more often than he was ever there - for months and months at a time. In fact on the rare occasions when he was home, it was for no more than one day on a weekend and then he was gone again. This went on for at least 10 years of my childhood from the age of about 4 until 15. His job took him far enough from home that it was not feasible to come home every night - and not every weekend either. I even remember that the longest time away from home (without coming home during that time at all) was one year.

As such, the few times (an afternoon, an evening, etc.) I spent with my father were very few and far between and I considered them "priceless". However, I would have gladly traded those times to spend a week, or two weeks, or even a few months with him had he been working in another country and had it been feasible for me to travel to be with him in the school holidays. A week or more together with him would have been far more priceless than random hours spent with him.

In case you wonder whatever job my father could possibly have had, he worked in theatre and television designing scenery and lighting effects for many programs/shows in the UK, including for many prestigious events. He also had a business designing and building exhibition stands/layouts for major events such as what you would see at Earls Court in London. (He designed and managed everything; others built and erected.)

I hope this helps.

Thanks Montfan. Funny enough I did do some research a few weeks ago on the alienation issue and abandonment issues. Very real concerns in my situation. Just to clarify already divorced, but no love lost between us Yes we already have the written plan for contact - it was part of the decree, as initially he was living further away. Now though in closer proximity. I think we know where this is all leading.....

Again, thank you. Excellent ideas I have been thinking similar. I don't think the deferment would work as they need someone for a particular role project with a timeline. As for present employer I think I am going to ask that - similar situation - I can't help thinking the answer will be no as they must consider I probably will not be back. But nothing ventured nothing gained...I think that might be my last gambit? Right now the wind is blowing in the direction of staying but hey its only morning I have the whole afternoon and evening to go yet

I really do appreciate everyone's input - as just to be clear I know its my decision but this is a great cushion/ sounding board etc etc...

Dad is Dad, you know? Near or far.

My ex was in our house, everyday, till my son was nearly 16. He couldn't have been further away from him.

No matter which direction you end up going..please let us all know how you're doing because we're all there for you no matter what you decide and the great people here on BE will be your sounding board if ever you get stuck

Viking, I do feel for you and can see how very tempting it is to jump on that plane and start off a new life back home. I don't wish to be discouraging about your plans at all. But, England will always be there, your little boy will not...

I just worry about how your child will perceive this...he is very young and can't possibly fathom the distance this will put between you just yet. But in time he will and might form his own opinions while nurturing some very real abandonment issues. Although its not your intent of course to abandon him, it's very likely he may feel that way.

As a preteen it's fairly easy to communicate with a child as as they reach that moody teenage stage, it takes real work and frequent contact to stay connected and in touch. If you're thousands of miles away, he'll find it easier to shut you down. I have actually seen this with a friend who went home, fell out with the teenager over something silly and who refused to talk to his Dad for months.

Have you maybe talked to a counselor or child psychologist about this?

Rebeccajo - sorry to hear that. Thats my issue. I do have an extremely close relationship with son. Was primary caregiver for many years while mother worked away. Just lost out in divorce - its hard to say that but was forum shopped and I guess she had smarter lawyers + I do think the presumption is for the mother unfortunately. Don't want to lose that connection.

I agree with all you state -

I do sympathize, you must feel really stuck...lots of us do who are here with children.

The real challenge, once you've decided to commit to being here for them, is not to let a creeping resentment sneak in. It's a bugger that one and I've found that hard myself at times. As much as I love my kids and would lay my life down for them, I've had that thought, 'well, if it wasn't for you I'd be swanning around London and jetting off to Paris, blah, blah.'

Anyway, good luck with the decision, wishing you peace of mind and resolution.

Well, that's what I'm saying - I guess.

If you are close to him, you'll likely stay that way. My son barely noticed when my ex moved out (not to bring up my life story - just as an example of how things go).

And I really believe what I mentioned earlier. How does he feel about you moving? Is he positive about it? Or hesitant?

The boy isn't necessarily going to feel "abandoned". Every child is different in this regard.......

But kids do get "moody" in the teen years. With boys, I think they tend to get quiet. My husband (my son's step dad) says he remembers going into his "cave" as a teenager. He was a great help to me in that regard as my son went through that stage. In other words - I didn't freak out about it!

Sorry, but I think it's fairly safe to say that a child of divorce whose parent goes to live in another country is going to feel abandoned in some way. They may not be able to verbalize that or really process it for years and years, but it will happen. Of course parents can take steps to minimize trauma, like staying in touch on a daily basis etc. I think as a society we're too quick to belittle the role a Father has in a child's life, that they'll be fine as long as they've got their Mum.

A child who barely notices their Father leaving likely didn't have a great relationship in the first place. But I'm glad your son had a great step-dad to step in and be a Father figure.

I think it's very simplistic to suggest a child will sail through such a change easily. Because they won't. I think as adults we justify our own actions by belittling the impact it has on our children.

Because I work with children and have seen all sorts of scenarios in which children get hurt, I wanted to offer a different perspective.

Anyway, I'm bowing out of this very personal and serious discussion.

Reading a bit more of your situation, I think that as you have been so close to your son, was his primary caregiver for a while, this is going to be a very hard decision. You cannot take back those years that you may lose out on, and who knows, perhaps in a few years time there is something better waiting for you. I so believe in synchronicity. Listen to your inner voice.

If you look through most of our posts, it is because of family that most of us want to move back "home".

I also agree you need to chat to him as well. I feel for you because this is a very hard decision.

Montfan, I appreciate your perspective.

One reason this kind of thing is all so hard is because their IS more than just the boy involved. There is his Mum and his Dad too.

Like I said way early in this thread, my husband and I made the decision for my husband to move from the UK to the US because my son was still school age. So we've done the "sacrifice for the child" scenario.

It would have made tons more sense for me to have gone over there, using the equity from my home to buy out my husband's house. We could have been living with a paid-for roof over our heads. Also, we knew my husband had medical issues when he moved here. We thought we'd be all right once everyone had health insurance. We didn't know (there goes that crystal ball) just what else my husband had in store for him - health wise. Again I'd like to say I'm not trying to talk about myself here. I'm talking about life and how it affects us beyond "parenthood".

I believe that no child is left unscarred by divorce. Vikingsail's family is already shattered. Like any good parent, he wants to minimize the damage.

Without sounding cold, it's my belief that society pressures us into making decisions around children. It's more than just our own ethics; our own sense of right and wrong - it's more even than the desire to be good parent. We are expected to give our children our all. Where is the point that the parent has to look beyond that?

It's a very personal thing.