Originally Posted by Dave_Was

Hello All,

For the last two months I've been so homesick it's been untrue. I've been trying to tell myself to snap out of it and enjoy the sun and the open spaces and go and visit somewhere with the darling wife.

I can't snap out of it though. I just get this feeling that I'm wasting time and my life, sitting here. I miss my Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, BIL, neice, nephew, etc. I want to be able to just sit down and watch the TV with them, have a cuppa, argue with my Dad over why he left the car on empty again, with my brother on what to watch on the TV. Drive my mum to work, have my niece and nephew over for the evening, fight with them about them playing Nintendo too much. Have my family get to know my wife and her, them, the way you can only do, by spending time with each other.

I want to be able to walk to the shops, catch a bus, watch the football, cricket and darts. I want to go to Sainsbury's and Tescos and buy Pork pies, sausages and bacon. I want to be able to complain that it's too cold and wet to go Christmas shopping. I want to be asked to look after the kids, while my sister and BIL go sales shopping and then laugh at my BIL for being dragged along. I want to be able to have the chance of running into someone I know in the street and stop and catchup.

My sister says don't bottle it up, but I sound like a broken record if I talk about it.

I want to go home, but worry about finding work. Here I have a stable, well paid job even though at the moment it's mind numbingly boring. I worry about moving back and then losing my green card. It was a struggle to get it and I feel that if I lose it now, I'll never be in the US for work again, what with it so difficult to get a H1 now. I've only had the GC a year.

My sister asked, what am I doing? I said waiting to get my citizenship and then I'll comeback. Her response was doens't that tell you something?

My wife sometimes has a cry and says it makes her feel better afterward. I stood in the shower the other day and tried and couldn't. My heart feels heavy and my chest tight.

Originally Posted by islandergirl

I don't get the "staying a country you don't want to live in to get the citizenship so you can leave that country but maybe come back one day" option - it comes up time and time again though - what will change that will make you feel so differently down the track?

Originally Posted by islandergirl

Poor bugger, you sound depressed right enough - are you on anti-depressants at all?

Can I ask what your story is, is your wife American or are you both Brits?

Originally Posted by islandergirl

I don't get the "staying a country you don't want to live in to get the citizenship so you can leave that country but maybe come back one day" option - it comes up time and time again though - what will change that will make you feel so differently down the track?

Since you have no unbreakable ties and your wife is willing to move, leave soon before you get trapped...maybe if you set a date you would feel better, and spend the remaining time seeing as much of the US as possible?

Originally Posted by sonlymewalter

People change and sometimes they have to go back "home" to know where home really is. You only have to look at how many ping pongers there are to know it can happen to anyone, anytime.

No one really ever knows what can happen in the future. At least if you get citizenship, you don't burn any bridges

Originally Posted by quoll

It sounds very much like you might benefit from seeing a counsellor - they can help with managing those intrusive thoughts so that you arent overwhelmed with them and can get on with your life in a positive way. If you could find someone who does Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT Therapy) then give them a go - it may feel odd to begin with but it can help. You dont need to cry (the shower is my time to cry I must admit) but you do need to get control of those thoughts because if you dont, then they will begin to intrude into places where you dont want them to go and make your life even more difficult.

Hope you can get something worked out, there is nothing worse than being overwhelmed with things that you can do nothing about.

Originally Posted by Dave_Was

My wife was asking why I looked sad today. I didn't want to say anything so said just busy at work. I don't think that that was the right thing to do.

Originally Posted by Dave_Was

I have to admit a huge bias against counsellors and always think of them as the 'so how does that make you feel' crowd.

Originally Posted by G586

So you don't want to be asked about how you are feeling? Er, avoidance is a way of coping....

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies is surprisingly good.

You do sound depressed and if you are, it will stop you thinking clearly and you also won't be able to plan properly because it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, so biochemical and hard to overcome.

Definitely time to be more open with your wife as it sounds like she is worried and she will only want to know what's upsetting you. If I was her, I would worry you weren't happy with me.

Originally Posted by Erica P

G586 just beat me to it but I also wanted to suggest you speak to your wife about how you are feeling. She probably realises something is up and might get upset that you are holding back on how you feel. I thought as an immigrant herself maybe she has found some ways to cope that she could share with you if you let her?

Anyway I really empathise with you. I really miss my family in the UK and no amount of web chats and phone calls can make up for actually being with them. Because of that my OH has agreed to try and find work back in the UK so we can go home.

All the best
ps I notice you still call it home too

Originally Posted by Dave_Was

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of something to say to repudiate this. I can't.



I'm going to try and sit down and talk to my wife this weekend. I think that she's dealt with the move fairly well as she can see that we would have a better future in the US than in India. So the thought of living in India doesn't really occur to her. Yes she does miss India, but understands living there isn't an option.

That's the thing. Living in the UK is not a step down in my mind. It's just a sideways step and more of a determination of what's important. I fully believe that you can give children the world opportunities living in the UK.

I'm going to sit down and talk to my wife this weekend. We've talked about going back to the UK before but it's always been at some future point. I might have to ask her to prepare for it to be a little sooner than she thought.

Originally Posted by Dave_Was

I have to admit a huge bias against counsellors and always think of them as the 'so how does that make you feel' crowd.

Originally Posted by Dave_Was

Thanks for all the responses guys.

One of the things that I find really difficult is that on a day to day living basis I like the US.

However, I miss the family and just being able to drive over and see them. Or pick up the phone and be in the same time zone.

No matter what I decide I'll be losing out on something.

A friend yesterday said to me, look when you have children things will change. Your Brother and Sister in the UK will have their own lives and parents, sad to say, but pass on. My immediate thought was I know how close I am to my sisters kids and how close my brother is with them too. I would want that for my kids too.

It's true about parents passing on, that's a fact of life, but doesn't that mean that I should cherish the time that they are around?

I've been away from England for nearly 6 years now, with 4 of them in the US. I waste weekends worrying about this and time goes by.