Dave_Was

Hello All,

For the last two months I've been so homesick it's been untrue. I've been trying to tell myself to snap out of it and enjoy the sun and the open spaces and go and visit somewhere with the darling wife.

I can't snap out of it though. I just get this feeling that I'm wasting time and my life, sitting here. I miss my Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, BIL, neice, nephew, etc. I want to be able to just sit down and watch the TV with them, have a cuppa, argue with my Dad over why he left the car on empty again, with my brother on what to watch on the TV. Drive my mum to work, have my niece and nephew over for the evening, fight with them about them playing Nintendo too much. Have my family get to know my wife and her, them, the way you can only do, by spending time with each other.

I want to be able to walk to the shops, catch a bus, watch the football, cricket and darts. I want to go to Sainsbury's and Tescos and buy Pork pies, sausages and bacon. I want to be able to complain that it's too cold and wet to go Christmas shopping. I want to be asked to look after the kids, while my sister and BIL go sales shopping and then laugh at my BIL for being dragged along. I want to be able to have the chance of running into someone I know in the street and stop and catchup.

My sister says don't bottle it up, but I sound like a broken record if I talk about it.

I want to go home, but worry about finding work. Here I have a stable, well paid job even though at the moment it's mind numbingly boring. I worry about moving back and then losing my green card. It was a struggle to get it and I feel that if I lose it now, I'll never be in the US for work again, what with it so difficult to get a H1 now. I've only had the GC a year.

My sister asked, what am I doing? I said waiting to get my citizenship and then I'll comeback. Her response was doens't that tell you something?

My wife sometimes has a cry and says it makes her feel better afterwards. I stood in the shower the other day and tried and couldn't. My heart feels heavy and my chest tight.

Sally Redux

I have been going through a bad patch myself lately, also a broken record. I have noticed, too that if you are really very upset about something you cannot actually cry.

Whether you should go now might depend on your age, the way your wife feels, any kids, profession and whether you are romanticising Britain.

TruBrit

lots of people i hear do exactly that, get their citizenship so they can leave....doesn't apply to me but maybe for some folks it helps to keep the door open. do you have a UK trip planned? that might cheer you up for the time being

Elvira

Some of us here know how you feel. Only you can decide whether it is worth 'serving time' to get citizenship.

Could you get a less boring job? I always feel infinitely better when I'm working as my work is really interesting.

One thing I would say though: make absolutely sure that you don't become a father until you've sorted out in your own mind where you want to (or at least can) live. You don't want to get stuck...

All the best

Dave_Was

I'm 37 and have a wonderful wife, no kids of yet and I want my wife and I to be settled before they come along.

I've found that go back to the UK for a holiday is like the Sunday morning, I can only think that it's going to be over soon.

I'm going home now and pretend that everythings okay, so as not to upset my wife. There's nothing she can to do about it today.

I think that she can tell when I hug her though..

Cheetah7

Look on your life as a set of scales - on one side is what you don't have and on the other side is what you do have - a loving wife, family back in the UK, your health, a job and the ability to go back to the UK.

The scales are tipped heavily in your favour but when you are unhappy, it is easier to focus on what is making you unhappy as opposed to what you have right in front of you - a stable relationship and someone that loves you.

Don't fret about not being able to cry, you will become so focused on that - that you will lose sight of the reason that you want to cry - to grieve for something that is not quite within your reach, your ache to be with your family and what is familiar to you.

Take a step back and tell yourself that one day you will go back and it will be YOUR decision to do so.

You might well think it is worth staying for your GC, but ask yourself at what price? Ask yourself where you see yourself in 5-10 years time and where would you like to be living. Life brings us many opportunities and our decisions that we make to enable us to be happy, should certainly not be making ourselves feel so bad that we can't even cry or express emotion.

You can leave, yes you might lose your GC but you will gain a whole lot more. Don't fall into the trap of staying for something that your heart is not truly in. The price could well be too high and not worth it.

Treat yourself, allow yourself some 'me' time, allow yourself time to enjoy things and most of all, promise yourself that you have the power and ability to make yourself happy in your life.

Take a day off, pull a sickie - do something you like and while doing that, forget about trying to cry - that will come when it is ready, but please do take time to weigh up what is and isn't important.

It takes guts to move back, but if it is right for you then you won't regret it.

Take care of yourself

la-chica-irlandesa

Hey Dave,
I am so sorry you are feeling like this, I completely understand it, and many of us here on BE have been through it or are going through it.
I am pretty much in the same boat so I dont have any great words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and keep posting as it really helps, and I dont think anyone will call you a broken record
Your wife sounds lovely and gave great advice, a good cry often does help, believe me it will come.

I really liked what professional princess said, and I will take her advice and use it in my own life.

I hope things get a little better soon!!

Gezza

U.K.? coppers to spend on yourself after paying bills and mortgage, head-lice in every school, nasty squirrels jumping over my head in parks. revolting public toilets and train stations, sticky tables in pubs, cracked pavements, housing that looks like the WWII had only just ended, rising damp, dodgy double glazing, commuting to work for 2 hours each way, catastrophic train delays, motorway jams, expensive petrol, pokey old banger cars everywhere,expensive booze and fags, sickening and predictable news headlines, absolutely nothing to look forward to except paying the next set of bills, and the NEXT shop sale, homes where people never hoover and keep pets that stink up half of the street, nosey neighbors. People getting excited about fashion trends that ended in US about 5 years ago. Having the GP who proscribes Amoxicillin before you say Hello. Wet grass that you can never put a blanket on without getting it fouled up, and many, many more.

…..but don’t we love her? Like an old and frumpy mother; a truly wonderful England. I could move there any day!

sonlymewalter

I can't offer anything other than keep talking. Crying isn't for everyone but if you need to then do it. I think you're one helluva brave guy. The only thing I can think of is to think this through and make a cold plan. Decide with your wife how long you want to live there, what you want to acheive, and build up some mental goal posts to get you there. This will give you focus from a less emotional standpoint and might help you through this emotional mental torture you're going through right now.

Good luck m8. I wish you and yours the very best whatever you decide.

Celtic Princess

There is actually a technique for helping one to cry that I heard about although I cannot say how effective it is.

1. Make yourself comfortable.
2. Think about something that makes you want to cry. This issue at hand or something else such as dead fluffy bunnies or England winning/losing the world cup.
3. Act like you are crying, not the tears part, everything else. eg putting your face in you hands, heaving your shoulders, making sobbing noises and so on.

It make sound really daft and you may feel really daft at first but apparantly this can trigger real crying. I was told it by a bereavement counsellor.

Best wishes.

CP

quoll

It sounds very much like you might benefit from seeing a counsellor - they can help with managing those intrusive thoughts so that you arent overwhelmed with them and can get on with your life in a positive way. If you could find someone who does Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT Therapy) then give them a go - it may feel odd to begin with but it can help. You dont need to cry (the shower is my time to cry I must admit) but you do need to get control of those thoughts because if you dont, then they will begin to intrude into places where you dont want them to go and make your life even more difficult.

Hope you can get something worked out, there is nothing worse than being overwhelmed with things that you can do nothing about.

Hanescymru

Hey Dave!
Hang in there mate.. it should get better with time. I have been in the same space many times since I moved over here and I am still here 12 years later. I still get homesick and if I were to go back it would be for the same reasons you quote but right now the UK isn't the place it was when I left and every time I go back (about once a year) it seems less like the place I remembered. I have never bothered with the citizenship because I can't really see that it brings me any real benefits but IF I were to consider a move back anytime soon, I may investigate that route. It can be a very lonely place over here sometimes but all in all it is whatever you make it.
Give it some time, it'll improve....

Dave_Was

Thanks for all the responses guys.

One of the things that I find really difficult is that on a day to day living basis I like the US.

However, I miss the family and just being able to drive over and see them. Or pick up the phone and be in the same time zone.

No matter what I decide I'll be losing out on something.

A friend yesterday said to me, look when you have children things will change. Your Brother and Sister in the UK will have their own lives and parents, sad to say, but pass on. My immediate thought was I know how close I am to my sisters kids and how close my brother is with them too. I would want that for my kids too.

It's true about parents passing on, that's a fact of life, but doesn't that mean that I should cherish the time that they are around?

I've been away from England for nearly 6 years now, with 4 of them in the US. I waste weekends worrying about this and time goes by.

Hanescymru

I hear ya mate! I have the same feelings... there's no easy answer but time & distance, the very things that cause the woes in the first place will eventually take some of the edge off. Personally, I'd advise trying to get a trip back home soon and see if that eases things.. I know it works for me at least.

sonlymewalter

Everything you say is spot on and when you're a migrant, its the family and close friends you miss the most and often, time isn't a great healer as you miss them more and more. The reality is though that if / when you go back, those that you missed the most have moved on with their lives and you don't quite receive the homecoming you imagined all these years. This often results in a migrant never quite ever "fitting in" again and is probably why a lot of people end up being "ping pongers" and end up moving on again. I'm not saying this is the case for you or anyone else, but just remember our minds have an uncanny knack of playing games and remembering things through rose coloured glasses.

Weigh up the pros and cons and recognise that wherever you end up you will probably never be 100% happy and already your life experiences have changed you too. Once you've tasted change you will probably always be looking for it.

I hope you find peace and happiness and good luck with whatever you decide.