Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Thought I would post on here as our situation is getting worse and need some advice from people who may have felt the same way. Did post a thread on the Canada forum just asking were we too long in the tooth to emigrate (both 46, kids 16 and 13) and too settled and part of the furniture back in the UK, most said it was normal homesickness and doubts kicking in and to stick with it.
We moved over to Canada in the summer so have been here 4 months. No doubt some will think classic homesickness time and culture shock kicking in. However I've lived with my kids wanting to go back home from 2 weeks of being here. My son who is 16 is definite he is not staying. My daughter age 13 has coped a little better but there is not a week that goes by without one of them having a meltdown.
My son is now a shadow of his former self and my daughter is just so sad. As you can probably imagine I am absolutely exhausted now and getting to the point of thinking this is just not worth it anymore.
I, deep down, don't think this will pass. We have not indulged in our misery, we are an active family who hike, bike, swim etc etc so have made the most of our weekends going to the lakeshore etc. But to see your kids just breakdown absolutely kills me.
Just wanted to ask is there anyone that has gone through this and worked through these extreme emotions and come out the other side or is it just prolonging the agony and we should just return to the UK.
We had more or less decided to give it a full 12 months (rental up in a year) but I seriously don't know whether the kids would last that long without ending up depressed.
Any advice, experience, please share as my mothering instinct is to protect and run like hell back to where we belong!
Cheers!

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Hi gillyd65

I am so sorry to hear things are not improving for your family.

There is no fixed timescale to know if the emigration was right for you or not. It very much comes down to your personal circumstances. It is easy for people to say you have to give it 12 months, but that is a very long time when you see your family disintegrating.

From what you say, you have all made a real effort by being active and getting involved in life. But sometimes that is not enough. Despite everything a place just does not ‘fit’. I have only been in Canada for 7 weeks, but like yourself, I know deep down that this is not the place for me. It is not a place where I see myself growing old (that is England).

Have you had discussions with the family? Your son seems to have made his position very clear. What about your daughter and husband? Perhaps its time to have that serious conversation, so that DH knows just how bad the situation is? He may be hoping it’s a passing phase and for some it is but not for others. Only time will tell.

Reading through posts on BE, I often see comments from people stating they wished they had returned earlier rather than sticking it out. I do not want to fall into that trap.

A factor to also consider is the children’s education, as no doubt this is being disrupted. A move back now may not be so bad.

At the end of the day, the decision will need to be made by your family. Forget the timeframe and just think about what will make you as a family happy. If that means going back, then so be it. Life is short, your children's happiness is precious, the rest is just stuff.

{{hugs}}

Optimistic

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

thanks optimistic. So sorry you are not feeling any better, but I'm beginning to think that once you feel that way then thats it. However much you try and plaster over the cracks it doesn't solve the problem. Feel a bit shell shocked to say the least as we first applied in 2001 and got caught up in a hike in points and were refused. Then reapplied in 2006 and were called for meds in 2009. I think we just thought that we had waited so long for it to happen then we had to go for it. But our lives had moved on, kids had grown, doing really well at school in a great school. Just thank our lucky stars that we waited for our eldest to complete his GCSEs before arriving here. At least he has something to build on. I sometimes wish a miracle would happen and the kids would somehow feel better being here 'cause I do think its a great country with lots to offer them.
Hope you manage to deal with your feelings, keep your chin up and pm if you need a chat.
Cheers

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Hi

I normally post in the Canada section as we are awaiting an LMO and will be moving over there hopefully at the beginning of 2012, but often lurk on this board and felt like I had to reply to your thread because I really feel for you.

My child is a lot younger than your's (he's only 6) but I have worried that he won't like it and will get homesick. We have as a couple wanted to make the move for years and have thought it is now or never as we thought moving him when he was older (like your two) would cause problems like you mentioned - I was just scared at teenager he wouldn't want to come with us - and like you - all you want is for your kids to be happy.

When you first applied it was 10 years ago... when your children (in my opinion) would have slotted in anywhere - and at the age where if mum and dad is happy = kids happy. As you say things have changed.

You don't say whether you have PR or not? Are you over there on temporary work permits? I wonder would it be worth sticking it out until you have PR so that you have flexibility to go back when your children get a bit older. Not sure at what point your children would fly the nest so to speak so maybe you could go back to Canada as a couple if that was what you wanted? I think there is a rule that to maintain PR you have to spend a certain amount of time in Canada to maintain it??? maybe worth looking into this.

At the end of the day you can't put a price on happiness and if Canada is not right for you all then it's not right. You are not failing by coming back to the UK. Not at all. You've tried something most people would be too scared to do!

What are the reasons your children are not happy? are they missing their friends? family? don't feel like they fit in?

I don't know what to advise apart from sitting down as a family and really talking it through and through until you reach a conclusion.

All the best :)

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

With PR you have to be in Canada for 3 years out of every 5 (or something like that).
To give complete flexibility, you have to get Canadian citizenship which you can't apply for until you have been in Canada for 3 years.

My advice...go home now if you really don't feel Canada is right for you.

I have been here 4 and a half years, homesick for 3 and a half. I am stuck here another 2 years until I an go home. My eldest is in high school and they finish at 18 here so I've had to wait.

There is no time line, just do what's beat for you and your family.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Hi GeordieLass
Yes we have PR and we have to do 2 years out of 5. Please don't let our troubles put you off. Your child is a perfect age to integrate and you will see him thrive and flourish, which certainly helps with your own homesickness, thats if it affects you. Thats the thing really, you cannot know how you are going to feel and whether homesickness is going to be a problem. Some get it some don't.
We landed as PRs in May 2010 so have lost a year whilst son was completing GCSEs and for the sale of our house to go through.
We have talked as a family, at great depth and thats why we know the kids are finding it so hard. The have managed to convey their feelings and why they feel the way they do.
Hubbys sister is arriving on Friday for a week so hopefully it will ease the emotions a bit, but not looking forward to her leaving!
Think its going to be a bumpy ride.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Lorry1 I really don't know how you have dealt with homesickness for 3.5 years. Has it just been you or other members of the family. I sometimes think that if it was just me, and the kids were OK, then I would probably deal with it better but seeing the kids this way just compounds your emotions.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

I've just re-read my post and see loads of spelling mistakes :lol:

I don't know how I've coped to be honest, I just do a day at a time and now my hubby has said we can go back in 2 years, I have something to look forward to :)
It's just me that's been homesick. My eldest has suffered quite a lot too but she is at school and has loads of friends so gets on with life here. My youngest loves it here, although she does mention England a fair bit but she is 8 (4 when we left) so doesn't remember much.
Hubby loves it here and doesn't want to leave. He has (begrudgingly) agreed we can return in 2 years as he knows how depressed I've been but he's not happy about it, which makes me doubly sad.

It's definitely best to emigrate when the kids are young. My youngest has really settled well and knows no different. She is Canadian as far as she's concerned. Once they are older you get tied here with school, boyfriends/girlfriends, then before you know it you're a grandparent! :ohmy:

You may just be suffering culture shock and may settle and not want to leave. You may stick it out and get worse then regret not leaving earlier. Who knows?
Friends of mine have been here just over a year now. They were unhappy from within the first month. This never changed and they are returning to England in January. Their son is 4 so it's much easier for them to ping pong.

I think once homesickness kicks in, it's hard to pull out unless you can afford serious therapy to overcome it.

Good luck in whatever you decide. You are the only one (along with your family) that can make the decision that's right for you.:)

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Don't count on the little one not remembering much of life in UK.
My oldest moved to US with us at 4 and spent his whole live mentioning the UK, visited a few times, seemed happy here, and moved back after finishing Uni here.
My youngest is 6 and has vivid memories of being 2 and the few weeks she spent in the UK and Spain, can tell you who we saw, what we did and how much she liked it, she went again at 4 and remembers everything.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

I agree.

My boys were just turned 7, and just 2 when we came to the US. ( been here 6+ years)

They both remember masses about their life in the UK!

My dd will be just turned 3 when we go home...I am wondering what she will remember about being American ~ she is the only one who has a totally American accent! :D

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

I meant that she has found it easier to settle as she is younger. I think it is easier to adjust the younger you are.

She does remember certain things about living in England and remembers her 2 best friends fondly and sometimes says she misses them.

We went back to England for 3 weeks in August and she totally loved it. She was so impressed with the parks :lol:
When we came back here she boasted to all her friends how great the parks were in England.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

I think most of us have had the do we don't we scenario kind of feeling, others just up sticks and go (either way) without a worry etc and some love their new lives but the majority of their family don't...migrating really should have a health warning lol....what you have to do is sit down and have a good family chat about how you all really feel...finger nails get pulled when I sit my family down (I am the only female...lol..) and sometimes I dread it when I already kind of know how the others are feeling and it might not be the same way I feel but at least you know where you stand. For me and not everyone is made the same way but if our two have something bothering them then I try and do anything I can to help, advice a shoulder etc, they have to make their own way in life but if we can help it a bit easier then thats what we do. So have a good chat, way up the pros and cons and take it from there. My Dad once said "you never stop worrying about your children" and he was soooo not kidding and touch wood we have two lovely sons!!!!!!!! good luck, take care and it might help you a little to know your not alone in what your going through now.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Hey Gilly,

People sweep under the rug what a major move it is, most particularly with children.

Canadians speak the same language, for sure :lol: but what I find difficult about this country is that it is still trying to find it's identity, I guess like Australia is. I don't think it is about fitting in here as everyone is an immigrant. I think it's more about the type of life you can have here works for you or it doesn't.

I have posted many threads about life here in Calgary, and that hubby and I feel cut off from the rest of the world and bored - there I have said it! We definitely don't feel that it is a "fit", and despite the protests or suggestions I have received from other people on this forum, nothing has changed the way
we feel.

As it is we return to the UK when our rental lease finishes in the summer.

We don't hate Canada, but it has been a long, hard slog and that slog has not let up since we got here. We have been working crazy hours, and when I mentioned to the Program Manager that I was not happy about working 12hr
days, I got fired a couple of weeks after. I am now looking for work once again. I am damn good at what I do, but have had enough of the constant stress we have been living with.

We have had little time to ourselves, feel tired and stressed almost all the time, and find Calgary provides little relief for us.


Time to go home.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

Just wondering... why did you go to Canada in the first place?

Was it for an adventure or did you really think you would have a better life?

Do you have a better life?

How did your kids feel about moving to Canada before you left the UK?

Where is home?

Personally, I would live where I called home.

Re: Help needed - when do you say enough is enough?
 

I think if a 16 year old and a 13 year old did not really want to go in the first place...why would you go? It's a whole different ball game than a 6 and 3 year old. Take a family vote. If you haven't sold up in UK yet, that makes it much easier to undo.
For last 8 years I have been a temporary transient expat because of OH's job and with kids at 12 and 10, I now want to get them back to the UK or at least a lot nearer to put down some permanent roots. We all need roots.

Yours already had their roots in place and those should ideally only be uprooted if they agree. The reason I want to go back is because my roots are there and my consent was only for temporary moves.
You don't help your kids by forcing them to move to a different country past a certain age, you just risk splitting the family because as your son has said, he aims to go back when he can. Trouble is the rest of you won't be there in UK for him unless you also return. At 16/7/8 he still needs you in his life on a day to day basis.
So yeah, I think 16 and 13 is too old to emigrate if the person doesn't really want to go.