SuffolkbritinNZ

I'm from south England, moved out to NZ over 5 years ago after meeting a kiwi fella. We met when I was traveling here, but after going home and quitting my job, I moved out to Nz on my own for what was meant to be a year OE. However we soon moved in together, and after a few extensions to my visas I got residency last year. While I always wanted to make it work with him, we had so many issues, and I also couldnt for the life of me get rid of the sinking feeling of homesickness every time I had to leave my family on trips home. Im very close to my family, especially my mum, and I always worried about having kids here ( im 30, so def something I want in the next few years) away from my support network in Uk and my family and the thought of staying here forever (thats essentially what it would mean if we had of had kids here as he didnt want to live in uk long term) The last 18 mths have been especially hard as we lived in chch and went through the earthquake, so moved up to Auckland as I got offered a good job...but my OH hated it here, and due to a number of reasons we finally split up 3 months ago. Its been really hard as most of my support network is back in Christchurch or England, although I do have some friends here in auckland. I moved here to be with him and while I have always insisted on making my own friends and not relying on him too much, my entire time here in NZ has essentially been about us and our life together. He works in tourism and has exposed me to so much of NZ that many people never get to see and to me, Im really not sure I can now imagine staying without him. Everywhere I go is another incredible adventure we had together, in this country I love.

So now I'm considering moving back to UK because without a future here without him, other than a few friends and my job, I don't feel I have anything solid here anymore. I pretty much need to start over with a new place to live and meet new people now and Im not sure whether to do it here in Auckland, or give in to the nagging feeling ( and annual trips home to Uk) bite the bullet and take a chance moving back?

My problem is that I am terrified I'm going to use all the money I have paying to return to UK, leave my good job here in Auckland and the kiwi, outdoor lifestyle I love sooo much - in case I get home and hate it (and also risk unemployment) Sure it's always amazing when I go home at Xmas for 4 weeks, but that's not real life is it. I miss my family lots and good friends and the British history, shops, architecture, feeling like I belong, but i also adore NZ. I love the scenery, and remoteness and weather and adventure here so much, and feel it's such a hard decision to make and wonder if anyone has had a similar situation?

brissybee

My two cents worth...

Go home.

You took a detour and have been given the opportunity to get your life back on track.

If you're homesick now, you have no idea how torn you will be if you have children in New Zealand.

If you can't live without the ex's homeland in your life, make regular trips to NZ for a holiday. It'll be less costly in the long run.

SuffolkbritinNZ

That's good advice - thank you

rebeccajo

Maybe you should try a visit home with your eyes and brain in the "non vacation" mode?

Such as using the visit to hunt for jobs and other adult, non-fun stuff. :P

MissBetty

Kinda similar! I came to Oz by myself nearly 5 years ago, I really loved the outdoor lifestyle and still do - I grew up here and I love to surf! After 2 years here I met a fellow Pom and was happy ++ would never have dreamed of returning to the UK at that point. Anyways it all went Pete Tong and ended very badly. As I've mentioned on other posts I've found it hard to make friends here and the past 18 months have been difficult and lonely, especially as I work by myself in a remote location. I'm just starting to feel back to 'normal' but I did feel extremely low for a long time but I was hanging on for my citizenship which I now have )

Last time I visited the UK I did not want to come back but had to for my citizenship, also I did question myself as to if I was running away from my problems - mainly my ex and the woman he left me for and is now with.

I have made the decision to return home now for the following reasons:-

I miss my family
I preferred my job in the UK (I'm a paramedic)
I miss my friends
I miss the UK - heaps!
I'm over my ex and ready to make a fresh start )

I did struggle with it for a long time, I have an amazing house here on the beach (rented), I work in a beautiful location, I earn double what I do in the UK and I love Australia. However I am bored both personally and professionally and, quite simply, I'm lonely.

I have asked for a year's leave without pay which hopefully will be granted, that will start end of Feb. I have just applied for a passport, I have a month off and a holiday with friends in Nov and my lease runs out mid Dec. I have booked removals for end of Nov and I'm putting my stuff into storage in Australia, it works out cheaper than storage in the UK and if I change my mind I haven't wasted thousands of my hard earned dollars. I have explained my situation to the removalists and they have been awesome. If I decide to stay in the UK I just have to call them and they will bill me and ship my stuff over on the next boat. Atm I'll be paying for the pick up ($500 ish) and approx $100 per month storage for now. I have given heaps of stuff away and am just keeping things I can't bear to part with! I am leaving all my options open as I watched my parents ping-pong UK-Oz-UK-Oz-NZ-Ireland-UK as a teenager so I am well aware of how confusing (and expensive!) the whole stay/go situation can be.

I took a sabbatical from the NHS which runs out in March 2013 so I have a job to go back to. If I did it would only be short term as I'll go freelance in the UK, there is loads of private work which I would prefer as its more flexible.

Is there anyway you can ask your place of work to keep your job open for you for a period of time? I've applied under compassionate grounds so it should be granted, just waiting to hear atm. I'm keen to go home and don't see myself returning BUT you just never know! I'm keeping all my options open then I should know after a year back in the UK exactly where it is I want to be. Good luck, its not easy but then that's what BE is for!

Beccarose

I understand the feeling of being torn and unsure what to do- boy do I understand it all too well, so I really feel for you.
But I have to say it sounds to me like you already know your answer, it seems like in your gut- in your instincts- you know you need to go home.
It's so easy to ignore our gut and even easier to not fully listen to it, to not get what it is saying but in your case it sounds like staying would be a let down and solely because you would miss it- all the rest of what you are talking about is back in the UK.
We all miss bits and pieces of places we have left behind (some more than others) and yes, saying goodbye is hard, but can you shut your eyes and try to imagine all you would feel if you stayed in NZ? I think there is your answer.
I know I don't want to stay where I am, but the gorgeous summers, close by beach, having my dad near, the space we have and all I am pretty accustomed to make it hard for me to picture leaving- yet I still know I don't want to stay here- all change is scary.

burbschook

I have to agree with the advice from brizzybee.

Just a little add in as well. You mention chlldren in the future. Two situations spring to mind. One of my friends has 2 born here & is in such emotional turmoil with missing her family to be part of their lives. The other has one & is in a failed relationship with a kiwi. Although his presence in the child's life is (lets say now & then) he has made it clear that he will block any attempt for my friend to remove their child from NZ. She is trapped here until the child is at majority which is years away. There is no way she would leave her girl behind.
You've also become quite world wise & this should help you in the future.

All the best!

feelbritish

So sorry about your boyfriend, never easy to have to deal with this situation. I am a lot older than you girls and have a different bit of advice. I had a similar experience in the mid 30's of my life, I found my fiance in bed with another woman, I had just come back from visiting my family in another town a day earlier than expected. My initial reaction was to pack it all in and move home, that is how strong the urge was, I needed my family at that time. However, my dear dad, so wise told me "never leave a place unhappy". I took his advice, I rallied a few friends, bunked down in a friends house, found another place to rent and then carried on with my job. I decided that I was still going to make a go of it as a single woman. I bought a flat and spent a year doing it up, and making new friends and enjoying myself in the sunshine (lived on the coast). I forgot the bas.....rd .. and that is when I still realised that I wanted to still go home. I got a company transfer but would have resigned if I had to . Rather than make a mistake while you are in such an emotional state, why not do what MissBetty says, speak to your company and take a sabatical and put your furniture in storage, and look at the UK from a practical perspective as well as an emotional family one and then decide. If you cannot do that give yourself a year before you make drastic changes (that is advice given to most widows and any break up from a long relationship is like "death") I would also get citizenship first because that way you have not burnt your bridges! Good luck.

quoll

What do you want your life to look like in 5 years time? 10 years? 50 years? what is going to be the best way for you to achieve those goals (but remember that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans? LOL) then step out to where you think you are going to find your next best opportunity. I wouldnt think of going back as much as moving forward - where you move forward to is where your next best opportunity comes so you dont have to move back to Suffolk, you could try Aberdeen or Aberystwyth or anywhere in between really or Arizona or Azerbaijan if you fancied a real adventure.

Only proviso - as the others have mentioned, dont have kids in a country unless you are certain that you are going to be happy living there as they could easily tie you to a place that you dont want to grow old and die in (read the Hague Convention)

Good luck with your decision and dont burn any bridges unless you have to (ie get citizenship unless it is going to be decades away and take a career break if you can)

MissBetty

Totally agree with this brilliant advice! I went back for a holiday to the UK in Nov last year. Only been split from my ex for a few months so was not in any emotional state to make any life changing decisions and I still had a few months left to get Australian citizenship. I sat at Heathrow and bawled my eyes out, SO not wanting to get on that plane but I gritted my teeth and sucked it up, so glad I did now as I can see things from a far clearer perspective.

All I'm doing now is working, planning and saving hard to make my return as easy as possible. If I don't get my career break granted I will resign, a year down the line I'm stronger, happier and more focused on what is best for me.

Great advice from your Dad btw feelbritish, stealing that one

pompeyblonde

Brilliant advice, esp the point that all change is scarey, and all risk... Is a risk! Leaving NZ doesn't mean you can never return, I agree get your citizenship if you can, the way I'm looking at it is I'd rather live in UK and visit Aus, as opposed to the other way round! You get more holidays and cheaper flights in the UK too! Never leave a place unhappy... Brilliant! Make positive choices and keep reminding yourself that whatever happens you'll cope with it!! Good luck!

Zen10

Do you have citizenship? If not, how long could it be before you would get it? It might be wise to obtain it before moving back.

NZ4Now

Hi

We are moving back next year. Not getting citizenship but will have our IRRV's.

Have sent you a PM

vikingsail

To the OP you have some really excellent advice here in my opinion. I particularly like Miss Betty's organized approach of taking a 'sabbatical'/ unpaid leave if you can. It will give you breathing room to decide. FeelBritish's advice is golden.

Just to add to the mix I did take the proverbial 3 months over in England about 12 months ago. I was there for Winter but that did not stop me loving every minute. I won't say it confused me but I think in many ways it is now harder for me back here in 'Nebraska by the Sea' as I know I want to be back in the UK. Just planning and binding my time and I hope to either take the unpaid route or just quit and move permanently. Oh and when it was time for me to come back to the US I didn't bawl my eyes out at Heathrow, I went one better I refused to take the flight right at the last moment, like a horse refusing a jump. That was an interesting experience which took time to sort out. Fortunately, not money, apparently according to the airline staff I dealt with at the time it is a daily occurrence at Heathrow! I suppose that really shouldn't come as any surprise to me.

Good luck in whatever you decide but do make a decision.

BEVS

I'd go along with this.

You are young. Go home.

If you can gain citizenship soon , then stay for that first.