Having choices can sometimes be a burden. I'm in a similar situation: 25 years in the US, good job, a divorce (no kids though), a growing antipathy for may aspects of US society, and an ageing parent living in the UK. I wonder how much of this is just mid-life crisis and how much is really down to the USA. I've decided to work in the USA until I've saved enough to retire to the UK, buy a small house and do pretty much nothing as finding a job in the UK in my field at the age of 50 looks like it will be tough. Five more years should see my financially independent at which point I'll move home.

In your situation I'd probably stay in the US until your kid is college age......leaving just as they are about to become a teenager will be difficult for him/her and for you. You can also save money to make your eventual UK return more comfortable.

How does the saying go – Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Same age but with two kids in Canada.

For me. In Canada, an ugly divorce, two teenage daughters (one lived 50/50 the other chose her mom - that one gutted me), tried being reasonable on living in the same city and raising the girls but I don't think reasonable is a word used in divorce. I had had enough and went travelling, had a job all set up in another country - things were going well. Then one daughter gave me "I don't care where you are, I want to live with you" line. Not a hope in hell my ex would agree or even give the girls their passports for a visit (one is old enough to travel on her own). Then to top it off, my mom gave me "your Dad's not well and you should be here" guilt trip.

Anyway, I thought I'd do the right thing and came back to Canada. To be blunt, I wish I hadn't.

So my thoughts:

First off, I’ll be a little sexist – it's different for guys than it is for gals – leaving your kids that is. Especially teenagers. I don't mean there aren't exceptions to the rule but while my ex "mothers" the girls and doesn't want to let them go, I choose to shove them towards the door and let them make their own decisions and get ready for life. That said, my oldest now lives with me the majority of the time and is well on her way to "getting ready". So on the kid front, if you haven't already done it, have a real "adult" conversation with them and see how it goes. Both of mine wanted me to do what I felt in my heart and told me they would be OK with any decision I made and if I left again THEY would decide if they came with (they now have their UK passports so the ex can stick her Canadian ones). It's a tough one.

Second, go with your gut but make sure it's what YOU want to do. It's hard and when you go, you'll probably second guess yourself (I did - lots) so be prepared (a whole other thread). But, I think you'll regret it if you don't go. Even as I'm typing this, I can tell you that I'm going through the same gut check - move back to Scotland (no job though) or back overseas as the job I gave up is still there if I want it.

After reading these posts, at least I know I'm not alone.

PS: if I had a job in Scotland to go to, I'd be gone.

The only one that can answer that is you and your kid. My daughters and I have had some great, tearful, talks about the future, where they see themselves and our relationship. Live life with no regrets - their words not mine.

Only you will know what to do. Have you discussed it with your kid?

Yes, I think this is true. I left two university-age sons and part of my heart behind to come here. But it seemed to me that the OP's gut instinct was telling him to come back to the UK and I meant he should follow that instinct.

Thanks Nun. Yes I have seriously considered the stay put option for a few years. Another 10 years would likely see me out here and I should be able to retire. But its that feeling of why wait...? I find myself balancing the whole concept of if I intend to go back surely do it now and not waste those years here because the money is not everything. I suppose really its idealism v's rationality. Similarly with the 50 approaching in a few years I seriously question getting another job in the UK with any ease or something I would be happy with. The feeling of being stuck here though is a heavy weight to carry around. Like you and many others I also have aging parents who I would like to spend time so many competing factors.

Your post really resonates. Yes I have spoken with my own child as gently as I can. I'm sure part of my delay is related to staying because we are all here. My observation, without being sexist, is my ex is going down the time honored route of using children as a tool to barb, barter or trade or just aggravate my life, all other attempts having failed. As always the irony is she wanted the divorce not me and now ....... Sadly, I know this will be my life for as long as I choose to stay. Its not a factor for leaving, but a reality of the current situation. As I think I already said in my other post regret is a very definite concern of mine. Thanks for sharing nice to know I'm not the only one to have trodden these footsteps

I'm currently in the process of getting that T-shirt as well, your post really resonated with me also. Without going into too much detail, we finally sold our house last year and managed to do the separation agreement. Oddly enough it wasn't difficult, she had everything. After spending three months letting the dust settle I decided to come back to the UK. It was a tough decision, I have a son. I had a very open and honest discussion with him about it, and he was fine about it and still is.

I came back to the UK just before Christmas 2011. I've been back for five months, and I'm really struggling to reconnect back here in the UK (I have been in Canada for 5 years). I'm honestly thinking of going back to Canada. I luckily renewed my PR card just before leaving. But at times I yearn to be back. I have a question, I hope you don't mind me asking. Why to you regret going back?

I didn't have children to leave behind in Canada so I don't feel I'm in any position to give any feedback there (of course I do appreciate it must make coming to a decision very difficult for you) and from what I can see, some of the other posters appear to have offered some valuable insight by sharing their own thoughts and experiences. Where the job situation is concerned though, may I share an experience of my own...

Some time ago, I lived for 11 years in Toronto, a city I absolutely detested, all and only because I had a good job that I loved. Then one day, right out of the blue, I was made redundant from that job. The company gave me a dead-end position in another department and by the time I was finally able to make a move, I was getting to an age where employers are starting to think twice about hiring you and finding work proved difficult. So, in these difficult times, that great job you have today could easily be gone tomorrow and if you've got a reasonable shot at a rewarding career on this side of the pond now that's worth something.

Mine wanted the divorce as well but it’s almost like I can’t get rid of her as she tries to interact thru the kids and is constantly using them as tools, hence the reason I went overseas. Both my kids get it now though (so coming back has some rewards) and have caught her lying and trying to manipulate. The funniest (for me in a warped sort of way) was when the girls finally confronted her on her constantly telling them that she pays for everything, all their stuff – cell phones, dance classes, clothes, etc. – and they told her that she may pay for them but they know it’s with the money that dad has to pay her – she had a little meltdown on that one.

The part of your quote that got me was
I feel the same. You’re putting your life on hold because you’re staying until the kids finish high school, maybe college. For me that would be another two years and I'm not sure I can or want to do that (but then, I've been doing it for the last year). My observations in coming back is that my girls are both well on their way to becoming adults and I basically provide a roof over their head and food at the appropriate times. They are teenagers after all. Maybe that’s a little over simplistic view but my 17 year old can hardly wait to graduate next year and leave this city to see the world. That said, YOU/we deserve to have a life, so go for it if it feels right. If it turns out that you may have made a mistake, again, don’t dwell on it and change it again. Try asking yourself this question, "would you live there if your kid decided to move"? Or try this question, "if I stay because I feel I need to support my kid, would I have regrets down the road in not taking avantage of the opportunity you have back in the UK"?


You need to give it more time, trust me, went thru this. Is it the loneliness kicking in? It happened to me overseas and on reflection the loneliness hit at the same time as the kid wanting to live with me and my mom’s “you need to be here” comment.

My advice. Set some hard timelines and keep re-evaluating. Ask yourself (actually write it down) what were the reasons you left? Why or what do you think would be different if you went back? I now keep a written diary with kind of a score card and every month I do a “gut check” and ask myself the following questions:

• How’s your relationship with your kid(s)?
• How’s your relationship with your family?
• How’s work going?
• How do you like your living arrangements (your pad)?
• Are you still dealing with the ex and lawyers?
• How’s your personal life?
• How do you feel in your heart?

Again, I don't think you've given it enough time and I'll add that you need to make a real effort to reconnect as it just doesn't happen by itself especially when you have things tugging heartstrings in another direction. For me, on reflection, being in a new country with no family and no friends, it was real easy for the kids and family to tug the heartstrings and motivate me to move back but now that I've done it, I keep feeling that I shouldn't have.

Forgot to answer your question: answer - Because even if I was to stay in Canada, I wouldn't pick this city to live in. I'm only here because my girls live here and I now know that they'll be fine without me - hell they can come with me if they want. There were reasons I went overseas and they are all still there - I need a change. Moving back to Scotland is the top of list on where I would go but I would have to take a trip and make sure I could get a job. Lastly, I made a decision to put my personal life is on hold until I make a decision of "am I going to stay or am I going to go" 'cus I devastated a girlfriend when I left the first time (she couldn't ever see leaving) and that just isn't right. So, it's time to make a decision and get on with living MY life.

Not easy decisions and even harder trying to explain by typing. Hope that all made sense.

Thanks for the advice 'Hawk 13'. It isn't the loneliness, because here in the UK I have all my family around me, that was one of the reasons for coming back. That and the job I did have in Canada I wasn't enjoying as much.

But now the dust has settled and I've taken a step back from Canada you start looking at the future and I ask myself 'is my future in the UK'. But your right I should give it more time and not rush things. I do have a new 5 year PR card and I've got plenty of time before making a decision.

Next thing to get done is the divorce. I have to have been in the UK for six months to do that so I haven't got long. I'm hoping it's going to be really quick because there really isn't anything else to sort out. I have nothing else to give. Ha Ha... only my soul I suppose.

Hawk13 some good points. Mine is just entering the teens though and that is what really concerns me. But I agree 100% I feel my life is on hold. The questions you pose are spot on. Nice to know they didn't break the mold

"...and they told her that she may pay for them but they know it’s with the money that dad has to pay her – she had a little meltdown on that one. "

I for one would genuinely appreciate some of our female commentators chiming in on this debate. Come on ladies, judging by the 'views' someone is looking.

Tim: Good luck with the divorce and you may laugh but they may want your soul too, lol. Try asking to get your name back - mine freaked out about that as well - truly don't get it sometimes.

Vikingsail: Early teens, eh. Only you can be the judge of that one then. So let me ask, to what age are you on the hook until? For me it's until they turn 19 and then if they go to college you're on the hook for another 3. My oldest wants to know why I just can't pay her and she will look after all her own stuff - my answer as always "you have to ask your mother"

It sounds like you do your fair share of stirring too.

As a former teenage girl, I'd say you're very wise not to pay your daughter and let her 'look after her own stuff.' ;-)

Haha, nice try on the stirring, but when your kids start asking questions and want to have adult conversations about things, the way I chose to parent is I feel that you're obligated to have those conversations - unlike my ex whose stock answer is, and I quote from my teenage daughter, "you're too young to understand and we're not discussing this". And to everyone thinks that each parent tries to manipulate their kids to get what they want, my stock answer is this "my kids know the truth and their opinion is the only one that matters"

As for being not wise in wanting to pay my daughter, I think you misunderstood - I would actually prefer to pay my daughter. I was out living on my own and still going to school, when I was 16 so a little bit of that independence has to rub off on your kids. I encourage both my daughters to pay for their own clothes, activities, etc. from their own bank accounts (in which I still deposit money every month) so that they can start to learn how to manage their own finances. My oldest is the one that came up with the idea of her getting the child support money and then even paying rent if she had to. Didn't go over well with the ex as it's all about control and without the money she loses some of that.

Anyway, I hope this thread doesn't turn into one of those crappy divorce things because it's a waste of time - to each their own, I'm not one to judge how others chose to do things and I'm not interested on how others judge me, unless your my mom of course.

I wasn't judging. I had been following the conversation with interest and someone wondered what the female perspective was. My own thoughts as I read along had been 'I wonder what the wives would have to say.' It seems to me that often in divorce situations, each person recognizes the stirring their partner is doing while being totally oblivious to their own issues. Or at least that's what I've seen with my friends.

But I wasn't trying to be nasty so I'm sorry if it came across that way.