confused
 

As a lurker here I have finally decided to post after reading many other inspiring stories, sallysimmons, killerhales…, of people who have decided to go home and finally realized their dreams. My own story is 17 years in the good old US of A. I came here not as a refugee or running away from any issues, but for love. Giving up a secure career along the way. After an extremely acrimonious divorce which makes any good celebrity situation look like a walk in the park I am finally out unscathed, well at least physically. One child, almost a teenager, but much to my disappointment not living with me.
I have long held the belief I want to go home to the UK (England). Long before divorce this played on my mind persistantly. Over the last few years it has got worse, it kept me going though as a distant but achievable goal through those hard times. However, now I am in a position to go back I have had a tough time realizing my dream. Why? Well I spent a good period of time (about 3 months) about a year ago back in England and loved every minute. There was nothing I disliked. The weather was a welcome change of heart. In fact I defaulted on the return flight to the USA and actually missed my flight on purpose such was my reticence in returning to the ‘land of the notionally free.’ It is not my intention to offend, just my beliefs. I have seen this country go downhill since arriving, it certainly is not the place I imagined when I first came here. Americans, as individuals are fine but collectively the country has taken a decided turn for the worst in my humble opinion.

So what is my issue. Well I was all set to come back to England earlier this year. I was lucky enough to be back home at Christmas and thought this will be the last time I will ever be visiting and having to leave again. Then, upon my return the new year brought a fairly nice job. Certainly an interesting and fairly well compensated position with good future potential and job security. I started the job and serendipitously have just learnt that the profession which I have been trying to regain access to in the UK has now opened its doors to me after what seemed like a lost cause. It will not be easy, some exams and money but the potential is there. However, the prospect of earning what I am now is someway down the road 5 – 10 years. Also, realistically, I am a lot older ( mid 40’s). I do have a secure job here in the USA. Should I just stay and retire to the UK? That might even be possible within 10 years. But my parents are not getting any younger…. What if I go and don’t like it/ don’t succeed. I will have given up what many people strive to attain here and abroad. I live an idyllic life in a nice location. But ultimately it just is not my home. Comparing locations is like apples and oranges. The two locations do not compare, they are so far apart geographically and community. Possibly the reason I am still here is my child. But sometimes that seems like a fools game because I am sacrificing my own happiness for someone else’s. Some days I feel I should be building a future abroad for my child. Others I feel guilty that I am even thinking of leaving?

Some days I am happy here, other days I cannot stand being here. I think the latter outweigh the former in number of days. There is always an overriding theme of I do not want to be here. Believe me I have tried to forget, to be positive and look for the great things about where I am. But it all comes down to the same thing I just do not fit. I am not and never will be American in my heart. So the question is what to do? Rationally I should stay, but internally somewhere close to my heart my gut tells me no - employ the same thing that made you come here in the first place and take a chance. Its just that the older we get those chances seem more risky and the ability to recover/ bound back seems much less likely which instills fear and uncertainty.

All constructive comments are welcome which is why I am posting to this blog. Those who feel the need to make inane commentary should really try looking inward.
:zzz:

Re: confused
 

Some days I am happy here, other days I cannot stand being here. I think the latter outweigh the former in number of days. There is always an overriding theme of I do not want to be here. Believe me I have tried to forget, to be positive and look for the great things about where I am. But it all comes down to the same thing I just do not fit. I am not and never will be American in my heart. So the question is what to do? Rationally I should stay, but internally somewhere close to my heart my gut tells me no - employ the same thing that made you come here in the first place and take a chance. Its just that the older we get those chances seem more risky and the ability to recover/ bound back seems much less likely which instills fear and uncertainty.


Hi Vikingsail, and welcome :) I think you have just answered this question yourself. Many of us have done this later in life, I just wish I'd done it years ago. I'll be honest, my own personal situation is not an easy one at the moment due to some unexpected health and employment issues but I don't for one minute regret coming home. All the best with whatever you decide and do keep posting :starsmile:

Re: confused
 

Gosh - I could have written a lot of what you wrote (minus the divorce bit, thankfully...). What resonated especially is "Americans, as individuals are fine but collectively the country has taken a decided turn for the worse" - which is something I could never get my head 'round: how could a nation of such really nice people have become so dysfunctional and deluded?

As for your dilemma, I couldn't possibly advise. I moved back and left my sons behind (at least for the time being, and one is already on his way back, with the rest planning to do at some point, so I'm lucky...) However, they are in their mid-twenties - and yet I still feel tremendous guilt about having deserted my 'babies'. So, personally, I could not contemplate leaving behind a pre-teen. But I am saying this in the context of my own personal circumstances, as you provide no detail about your relationship with your child, so I wouldn't dream of judging you in any way whatsoever. You have to assess your own situation and do what you think is best for you and your child.

Having said this, the job prospects in the UK are quite dire for a lot of people, so I would think carefully before jettisoning a rewarding and lucrative career. On the other hand, I was offered a high-level position as soon as I moved back, and only you can assess how you might fare in your profession if you were to move back.

Have you considered staying until your child goes off to college, by which time the job prospects in the UK might perhaps (one hopes...) be a little clearer?

Wishing you all the best - I know this is so difficult...

Re: confused
 

Thanks for the welcome and well wishes. I agree in my heart I know the right thing to do. It is just a case of when. Relationship with my child is close but I feel by staying I am giving up on something I already gave up so long ago when I first came here. Its just getting to the point of moving forward. But each day here is like wearing a 'horsehair' shirt. Frankly the prospect of growing old here horrifies me. I don't really know why apart from the obvious healthcare issues but it just does. Some respite with the news I can at least begin a transition from here (studying here) while still working but it still does not fix the issue of I just don't want to be here....:confused:

Re: confused
 

At some point you just have to do what feel right in your heart. Staying cause it's something others strive for, or staying cause it's comfortable isn't good you'll regret it.
Staying for your child is whole other ball game. That I can see. Maybe he/she'll want to move to UK too one day. Make sure they have their dual nationality sorted and go live where you will be happiest.
Then have the teen come and visit, spend summer vacations etc etc. You'd get more actual time with them if they stay with you for the summer than if you saw them weekly for dinner, teens tend to get an attitude on over visitations and being held to some timetable, but a UK summer with trips to other places in Europe seems more attractive than Dad and dinner in Applebees once a week.

Re: confused
 

MITF - I think the going and possibly having longer periods of time in summer is a great idea. I had not thought of it quite that way. I know that the dual nationality thing is always going to be a problem with the ex. My take on that from previous research is its best to leave until they are over 18 as before requires multiple signatures and with the acrimony that unfortunately is not going to happen.

Re: confused
 

On the subject of citizenship, you may want to secure US citizenship for yourself before making a move if you haven't already done so (countless others on the forum have done the same) as at least that will keep your options open and you could always return to the US in future if you wanted to (never say never).

Re: confused
 

Curleytops - ah the irony. I know the smart money says keep it I wish I had not taken it.

Re: confused
 

I agree with MITF. At the end of the day you have to follow your heart. Not doing that is a life half-lived, and it becomes more important the older you get.

I think in a sense you know what you will/must do, and have come on here to find answers that will help you rationalise your decision. But no one can say that life will be better or you'll be happier in the UK, or that you'll never regret your decision to leave behind your job and child in the US.

One thing that's clear is that you're living each day wishing you were somewhere else. Either you're a 'the grass is always greener' person, in which case you'll never be happy wherever you are, or your instinct that the UK is the place for you is correct. If you've really tried for many years to be positive about living in the US, then the only way to find out about life in the UK is try it.

If you have US citizenship, there isn't anything to stop you moving back if you want to. It will be an expensive and time-consuming experiment, of course.

We faced a similar dilemma when we emigrated, but one of the things that made it less stressful was that we knew we would return if things didn't work out.

Re: confused
 

Petrichor, thanks that nicely sums up where I feel I am at. Yes you are right I do feel I know what I must do...Funny thing is once upon a time I would have just upped and gone with finesse and short planning but without a care. Now inevitably, commitments, safety net for the future, and I think just age and experience I find myself caught up in the eternal planning of returning. And it seems there is always something else that comes along. As I briefly mentioned I had in mind to be back this Spring then a new job. Ironically in this economic climate I now have been asked to apply for a different position by my former employer! Seems they didn't want me to go. Then I get the news about being able to re-enter the UK workforce I long ago had written off as impossible for a profession I choose to disgard to come to the USA.

If you believe in serendipity and fate all things do point to the UK.

Thanks so far to all posters.

As an interesting aside I took public transport for the first time in a long time in the USA today. Quite the experience but perfectly acceptable. No driving stress, no parking issues, and no petrol costs:thumbup: at least for me!!

Re: confused
 

I'm glad my story inspired you - it's true that I am very happy to be back. But I would hate for you to make a move based on my experience (along with the experience of others) just because we're all so different. There were several factors making my move easier than such a move might be for someone else:

1) I run a home-based business that is totally portable and therefore getting a job isn't a worry.

2) I had absolutely no attachments in the US, other than a few casual acquaintances, so leaving wasn't a wrench and there is no one for me to miss now I'm home.

3) I was lucky enough to live in an area that didn't get wiped out financially in the recession, so my house sale generated a good profit. We're not rich by any stretch, but we are not struggling either. People might say money doesn't buy happiness, but having been poor in the past, I disagree. It certainly makes life a lot easier.

4) We have a strong circle of friends and family here who have welcomed us back with open arms.

5) We moved to a really nice part of the UK, with none of the problems others talk about, and this has made being here a joy.

6) Perhaps most importantly, I had not a shred of doubt about what we were doing. Not even when it got close to the move and nerves tend to set in. I just knew with every fibre of my being that we needed to be here in the UK.

From observing lots of individual stories, I'd say these were all important factors in our current happiness. Had we not been lucky enough to have the advantages listed above, I think the move would have been harder.

Just something to think about as you weigh up all the factors in your own move. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Re: confused
 

Sallysimmons - that is very kind. Thank you. Just so you know and I mean this is the nicest possible way I would not make my decision based upon what I read on a blog or forum website. While I do not doubt the sincerity of your own comments and story I am sure there are others, commonly called 'trolls' who might be different - and for everyones benefit - please remember trolls come in many different forms and guises. Call me cynical but I'm fairly sure they are out there!

Your list is very helpful, hopefully to others as well. My biggest issue is my child who is here as I said. I am very confident having spent time back in the UK before for short and extended periods that being there is not the issue. It is getting to grips with the child issue. As I mentioned the last time I was there for over 3 months and had to return...primarily for the divorce it was quite comical really. I actually made it to the airport boarding pass in hand and just decided not to go back. If you have ever done that the look on other passengers and flight staff faces is quite amusing. Of course, since I'm writing from 'over there' now I made rationale choices a few days later but that sums it up for me. Any change will by via a well executed plan and as others have said no one can predict future events.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Re: confused
 

I don't have kids so I can only imagine how torn you must be. It's a tough one and no mistake, but I know you will make the right decision. This place was invaluable to me as I was deciding, so I hope you get lots more advice :)

Re: confused
 

I can completely understand you conundrum. I do think we are sorry for those actions NOT taken as we get older. Although there are important financial and career issues to consider, my sense it that NOT going back would always weigh heavily. You can change your mind and return - assuming you have a green card/dual citizenship. I have lived in the US now for over 40 years and considering (for varius reasons) returning to the UK to retire. Good luck.

Re: confused
 

Great post - it adds a realistic perspective to the sometimes rose-tinted generalisations that seem to say that moving to the UK will solve all problems.

As for following one's heart (another post in this thread), I think many posters (myself being one) struggle because our hearts send us in two directions. It's not like my head says US and heart says UK (nor vice versa).