confused
 

As a lurker here I have finally decided to post after reading many other inspiring stories, sallysimmons, killerhales…, of people who have decided to go home and finally realized their dreams. My own story is 17 years in the good old US of A. I came here not as a refugee or running away from any issues, but for love. Giving up a secure career along the way. After an extremely acrimonious divorce which makes any good celebrity situation look like a walk in the park I am finally out unscathed, well at least physically. One child, almost a teenager, but much to my disappointment not living with me.
I have long held the belief I want to go home to the UK (England). Long before divorce this played on my mind persistantly. Over the last few years it has got worse, it kept me going though as a distant but achievable goal through those hard times. However, now I am in a position to go back I have had a tough time realizing my dream. Why? Well I spent a good period of time (about 3 months) about a year ago back in England and loved every minute. There was nothing I disliked. The weather was a welcome change of heart. In fact I defaulted on the return flight to the USA and actually missed my flight on purpose such was my reticence in returning to the ‘land of the notionally free.’ It is not my intention to offend, just my beliefs. I have seen this country go downhill since arriving, it certainly is not the place I imagined when I first came here. Americans, as individuals are fine but collectively the country has taken a decided turn for the worst in my humble opinion.

So what is my issue. Well I was all set to come back to England earlier this year. I was lucky enough to be back home at Christmas and thought this will be the last time I will ever be visiting and having to leave again. Then, upon my return the new year brought a fairly nice job. Certainly an interesting and fairly well compensated position with good future potential and job security. I started the job and serendipitously have just learnt that the profession which I have been trying to regain access to in the UK has now opened its doors to me after what seemed like a lost cause. It will not be easy, some exams and money but the potential is there. However, the prospect of earning what I am now is someway down the road 5 – 10 years. Also, realistically, I am a lot older ( mid 40’s). I do have a secure job here in the USA. Should I just stay and retire to the UK? That might even be possible within 10 years. But my parents are not getting any younger…. What if I go and don’t like it/ don’t succeed. I will have given up what many people strive to attain here and abroad. I live an idyllic life in a nice location. But ultimately it just is not my home. Comparing locations is like apples and oranges. The two locations do not compare, they are so far apart geographically and community. Possibly the reason I am still here is my child. But sometimes that seems like a fools game because I am sacrificing my own happiness for someone else’s. Some days I feel I should be building a future abroad for my child. Others I feel guilty that I am even thinking of leaving?

Some days I am happy here, other days I cannot stand being here. I think the latter outweigh the former in number of days. There is always an overriding theme of I do not want to be here. Believe me I have tried to forget, to be positive and look for the great things about where I am. But it all comes down to the same thing I just do not fit. I am not and never will be American in my heart. So the question is what to do? Rationally I should stay, but internally somewhere close to my heart my gut tells me no - employ the same thing that made you come here in the first place and take a chance. Its just that the older we get those chances seem more risky and the ability to recover/ bound back seems much less likely which instills fear and uncertainty.

All constructive comments are welcome which is why I am posting to this blog. Those who feel the need to make inane commentary should really try looking inward.
:zzz:

Re: confused
 

Some days I am happy here, other days I cannot stand being here. I think the latter outweigh the former in number of days. There is always an overriding theme of I do not want to be here. Believe me I have tried to forget, to be positive and look for the great things about where I am. But it all comes down to the same thing I just do not fit. I am not and never will be American in my heart. So the question is what to do? Rationally I should stay, but internally somewhere close to my heart my gut tells me no - employ the same thing that made you come here in the first place and take a chance. Its just that the older we get those chances seem more risky and the ability to recover/ bound back seems much less likely which instills fear and uncertainty.


Hi Vikingsail, and welcome :) I think you have just answered this question yourself. Many of us have done this later in life, I just wish I'd done it years ago. I'll be honest, my own personal situation is not an easy one at the moment due to some unexpected health and employment issues but I don't for one minute regret coming home. All the best with whatever you decide and do keep posting :starsmile:

Re: confused
 

Gosh - I could have written a lot of what you wrote (minus the divorce bit, thankfully...). What resonated especially is "Americans, as individuals are fine but collectively the country has taken a decided turn for the worse" - which is something I could never get my head 'round: how could a nation of such really nice people have become so dysfunctional and deluded?

As for your dilemma, I couldn't possibly advise. I moved back and left my sons behind (at least for the time being, and one is already on his way back, with the rest planning to do at some point, so I'm lucky...) However, they are in their mid-twenties - and yet I still feel tremendous guilt about having deserted my 'babies'. So, personally, I could not contemplate leaving behind a pre-teen. But I am saying this in the context of my own personal circumstances, as you provide no detail about your relationship with your child, so I wouldn't dream of judging you in any way whatsoever. You have to assess your own situation and do what you think is best for you and your child.

Having said this, the job prospects in the UK are quite dire for a lot of people, so I would think carefully before jettisoning a rewarding and lucrative career. On the other hand, I was offered a high-level position as soon as I moved back, and only you can assess how you might fare in your profession if you were to move back.

Have you considered staying until your child goes off to college, by which time the job prospects in the UK might perhaps (one hopes...) be a little clearer?

Wishing you all the best - I know this is so difficult...

Re: confused
 

Thanks for the welcome and well wishes. I agree in my heart I know the right thing to do. It is just a case of when. Relationship with my child is close but I feel by staying I am giving up on something I already gave up so long ago when I first came here. Its just getting to the point of moving forward. But each day here is like wearing a 'horsehair' shirt. Frankly the prospect of growing old here horrifies me. I don't really know why apart from the obvious healthcare issues but it just does. Some respite with the news I can at least begin a transition from here (studying here) while still working but it still does not fix the issue of I just don't want to be here....:confused:

Re: confused
 

At some point you just have to do what feel right in your heart. Staying cause it's something others strive for, or staying cause it's comfortable isn't good you'll regret it.
Staying for your child is whole other ball game. That I can see. Maybe he/she'll want to move to UK too one day. Make sure they have their dual nationality sorted and go live where you will be happiest.
Then have the teen come and visit, spend summer vacations etc etc. You'd get more actual time with them if they stay with you for the summer than if you saw them weekly for dinner, teens tend to get an attitude on over visitations and being held to some timetable, but a UK summer with trips to other places in Europe seems more attractive than Dad and dinner in Applebees once a week.

Re: confused
 

MITF - I think the going and possibly having longer periods of time in summer is a great idea. I had not thought of it quite that way. I know that the dual nationality thing is always going to be a problem with the ex. My take on that from previous research is its best to leave until they are over 18 as before requires multiple signatures and with the acrimony that unfortunately is not going to happen.

Re: confused
 

On the subject of citizenship, you may want to secure US citizenship for yourself before making a move if you haven't already done so (countless others on the forum have done the same) as at least that will keep your options open and you could always return to the US in future if you wanted to (never say never).

Re: confused
 

Curleytops - ah the irony. I know the smart money says keep it I wish I had not taken it.

Re: confused
 

I agree with MITF. At the end of the day you have to follow your heart. Not doing that is a life half-lived, and it becomes more important the older you get.

I think in a sense you know what you will/must do, and have come on here to find answers that will help you rationalise your decision. But no one can say that life will be better or you'll be happier in the UK, or that you'll never regret your decision to leave behind your job and child in the US.

One thing that's clear is that you're living each day wishing you were somewhere else. Either you're a 'the grass is always greener' person, in which case you'll never be happy wherever you are, or your instinct that the UK is the place for you is correct. If you've really tried for many years to be positive about living in the US, then the only way to find out about life in the UK is try it.

If you have US citizenship, there isn't anything to stop you moving back if you want to. It will be an expensive and time-consuming experiment, of course.

We faced a similar dilemma when we emigrated, but one of the things that made it less stressful was that we knew we would return if things didn't work out.

Re: confused
 

Petrichor, thanks that nicely sums up where I feel I am at. Yes you are right I do feel I know what I must do...Funny thing is once upon a time I would have just upped and gone with finesse and short planning but without a care. Now inevitably, commitments, safety net for the future, and I think just age and experience I find myself caught up in the eternal planning of returning. And it seems there is always something else that comes along. As I briefly mentioned I had in mind to be back this Spring then a new job. Ironically in this economic climate I now have been asked to apply for a different position by my former employer! Seems they didn't want me to go. Then I get the news about being able to re-enter the UK workforce I long ago had written off as impossible for a profession I choose to disgard to come to the USA.

If you believe in serendipity and fate all things do point to the UK.

Thanks so far to all posters.

As an interesting aside I took public transport for the first time in a long time in the USA today. Quite the experience but perfectly acceptable. No driving stress, no parking issues, and no petrol costs:thumbup: at least for me!!

Re: confused
 

I'm glad my story inspired you - it's true that I am very happy to be back. But I would hate for you to make a move based on my experience (along with the experience of others) just because we're all so different. There were several factors making my move easier than such a move might be for someone else:

1) I run a home-based business that is totally portable and therefore getting a job isn't a worry.

2) I had absolutely no attachments in the US, other than a few casual acquaintances, so leaving wasn't a wrench and there is no one for me to miss now I'm home.

3) I was lucky enough to live in an area that didn't get wiped out financially in the recession, so my house sale generated a good profit. We're not rich by any stretch, but we are not struggling either. People might say money doesn't buy happiness, but having been poor in the past, I disagree. It certainly makes life a lot easier.

4) We have a strong circle of friends and family here who have welcomed us back with open arms.

5) We moved to a really nice part of the UK, with none of the problems others talk about, and this has made being here a joy.

6) Perhaps most importantly, I had not a shred of doubt about what we were doing. Not even when it got close to the move and nerves tend to set in. I just knew with every fibre of my being that we needed to be here in the UK.

From observing lots of individual stories, I'd say these were all important factors in our current happiness. Had we not been lucky enough to have the advantages listed above, I think the move would have been harder.

Just something to think about as you weigh up all the factors in your own move. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Re: confused
 

Sallysimmons - that is very kind. Thank you. Just so you know and I mean this is the nicest possible way I would not make my decision based upon what I read on a blog or forum website. While I do not doubt the sincerity of your own comments and story I am sure there are others, commonly called 'trolls' who might be different - and for everyones benefit - please remember trolls come in many different forms and guises. Call me cynical but I'm fairly sure they are out there!

Your list is very helpful, hopefully to others as well. My biggest issue is my child who is here as I said. I am very confident having spent time back in the UK before for short and extended periods that being there is not the issue. It is getting to grips with the child issue. As I mentioned the last time I was there for over 3 months and had to return...primarily for the divorce it was quite comical really. I actually made it to the airport boarding pass in hand and just decided not to go back. If you have ever done that the look on other passengers and flight staff faces is quite amusing. Of course, since I'm writing from 'over there' now I made rationale choices a few days later but that sums it up for me. Any change will by via a well executed plan and as others have said no one can predict future events.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Re: confused
 

I don't have kids so I can only imagine how torn you must be. It's a tough one and no mistake, but I know you will make the right decision. This place was invaluable to me as I was deciding, so I hope you get lots more advice :)

Re: confused
 

I can completely understand you conundrum. I do think we are sorry for those actions NOT taken as we get older. Although there are important financial and career issues to consider, my sense it that NOT going back would always weigh heavily. You can change your mind and return - assuming you have a green card/dual citizenship. I have lived in the US now for over 40 years and considering (for varius reasons) returning to the UK to retire. Good luck.

Re: confused
 

Great post - it adds a realistic perspective to the sometimes rose-tinted generalisations that seem to say that moving to the UK will solve all problems.

As for following one's heart (another post in this thread), I think many posters (myself being one) struggle because our hearts send us in two directions. It's not like my head says US and heart says UK (nor vice versa).

Re: confused
 

Having choices can sometimes be a burden. I'm in a similar situation: 25 years in the US, good job, a divorce (no kids though), a growing antipathy for may aspects of US society, and an ageing parent living in the UK. I wonder how much of this is just mid-life crisis and how much is really down to the USA. I've decided to work in the USA until I've saved enough to retire to the UK, buy a small house and do pretty much nothing as finding a job in the UK in my field at the age of 50 looks like it will be tough. Five more years should see my financially independent at which point I'll move home.

In your situation I'd probably stay in the US until your kid is college age......leaving just as they are about to become a teenager will be difficult for him/her and for you. You can also save money to make your eventual UK return more comfortable.

Re: confused
 

How does the saying go – Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Same age but with two kids in Canada.

For me. In Canada, an ugly divorce, two teenage daughters (one lived 50/50 the other chose her mom - that one gutted me), tried being reasonable on living in the same city and raising the girls but I don't think reasonable is a word used in divorce. I had had enough and went travelling, had a job all set up in another country - things were going well. Then one daughter gave me "I don't care where you are, I want to live with you" line. Not a hope in hell my ex would agree or even give the girls their passports for a visit (one is old enough to travel on her own). Then to top it off, my mom gave me "your Dad's not well and you should be here" guilt trip.

Anyway, I thought I'd do the right thing and came back to Canada. To be blunt, I wish I hadn't.

So my thoughts:

First off, I’ll be a little sexist – it's different for guys than it is for gals – leaving your kids that is. Especially teenagers. I don't mean there aren't exceptions to the rule but while my ex "mothers" the girls and doesn't want to let them go, I choose to shove them towards the door and let them make their own decisions and get ready for life. That said, my oldest now lives with me the majority of the time and is well on her way to "getting ready". So on the kid front, if you haven't already done it, have a real "adult" conversation with them and see how it goes. Both of mine wanted me to do what I felt in my heart and told me they would be OK with any decision I made and if I left again THEY would decide if they came with (they now have their UK passports so the ex can stick her Canadian ones). It's a tough one.

Second, go with your gut but make sure it's what YOU want to do. It's hard and when you go, you'll probably second guess yourself (I did - lots) so be prepared (a whole other thread). But, I think you'll regret it if you don't go. Even as I'm typing this, I can tell you that I'm going through the same gut check - move back to Scotland (no job though) or back overseas as the job I gave up is still there if I want it.

After reading these posts, at least I know I'm not alone.

PS: if I had a job in Scotland to go to, I'd be gone.

Re: confused
 

The only one that can answer that is you and your kid. My daughters and I have had some great, tearful, talks about the future, where they see themselves and our relationship. Live life with no regrets - their words not mine.

Only you will know what to do. Have you discussed it with your kid?

Re: confused
 

Yes, I think this is true. I left two university-age sons and part of my heart behind to come here. But it seemed to me that the OP's gut instinct was telling him to come back to the UK and I meant he should follow that instinct.

Re: confused
 

Thanks Nun. Yes I have seriously considered the stay put option for a few years. Another 10 years would likely see me out here and I should be able to retire. But its that feeling of why wait...? I find myself balancing the whole concept of if I intend to go back surely do it now and not waste those years here because the money is not everything. I suppose really its idealism v's rationality. Similarly with the 50 approaching in a few years I seriously question getting another job in the UK with any ease or something I would be happy with. The feeling of being stuck here though is a heavy weight to carry around. Like you and many others I also have aging parents who I would like to spend time so many competing factors.

Re: confused
 

Your post really resonates. Yes I have spoken with my own child as gently as I can. I'm sure part of my delay is related to staying because we are all here. My observation, without being sexist, is my ex is going down the time honored route of using children as a tool to barb, barter or trade or just aggravate my life, all other attempts having failed. As always the irony is she wanted the divorce not me and now ....... Sadly, I know this will be my life for as long as I choose to stay. Its not a factor for leaving, but a reality of the current situation. As I think I already said in my other post regret is a very definite concern of mine. Thanks for sharing nice to know I'm not the only one to have trodden these footsteps:)

Re: confused
 

I'm currently in the process of getting that T-shirt as well, your post really resonated with me also. Without going into too much detail, we finally sold our house last year and managed to do the separation agreement. Oddly enough it wasn't difficult, she had everything. After spending three months letting the dust settle I decided to come back to the UK. It was a tough decision, I have a son. I had a very open and honest discussion with him about it, and he was fine about it and still is.

I came back to the UK just before Christmas 2011. I've been back for five months, and I'm really struggling to reconnect back here in the UK (I have been in Canada for 5 years). I'm honestly thinking of going back to Canada. I luckily renewed my PR card just before leaving. But at times I yearn to be back. I have a question, I hope you don't mind me asking. Why to you regret going back?

Re: confused
 

I didn't have children to leave behind in Canada so I don't feel I'm in any position to give any feedback there (of course I do appreciate it must make coming to a decision very difficult for you) and from what I can see, some of the other posters appear to have offered some valuable insight by sharing their own thoughts and experiences. Where the job situation is concerned though, may I share an experience of my own...

Some time ago, I lived for 11 years in Toronto, a city I absolutely detested, all and only because I had a good job that I loved. Then one day, right out of the blue, I was made redundant from that job. The company gave me a dead-end position in another department and by the time I was finally able to make a move, I was getting to an age where employers are starting to think twice about hiring you and finding work proved difficult. So, in these difficult times, that great job you have today could easily be gone tomorrow and if you've got a reasonable shot at a rewarding career on this side of the pond now that's worth something.

Re: confused
 

Mine wanted the divorce as well but it’s almost like I can’t get rid of her as she tries to interact thru the kids and is constantly using them as tools, hence the reason I went overseas. Both my kids get it now though (so coming back has some rewards) and have caught her lying and trying to manipulate. The funniest (for me in a warped sort of way) was when the girls finally confronted her on her constantly telling them that she pays for everything, all their stuff – cell phones, dance classes, clothes, etc. – and they told her that she may pay for them but they know it’s with the money that dad has to pay her – she had a little meltdown on that one.

The part of your quote that got me was
I feel the same. You’re putting your life on hold because you’re staying until the kids finish high school, maybe college. For me that would be another two years and I'm not sure I can or want to do that (but then, I've been doing it for the last year). My observations in coming back is that my girls are both well on their way to becoming adults and I basically provide a roof over their head and food at the appropriate times. They are teenagers after all. Maybe that’s a little over simplistic view but my 17 year old can hardly wait to graduate next year and leave this city to see the world. That said, YOU/we deserve to have a life, so go for it if it feels right. If it turns out that you may have made a mistake, again, don’t dwell on it and change it again. Try asking yourself this question, "would you live there if your kid decided to move"? Or try this question, "if I stay because I feel I need to support my kid, would I have regrets down the road in not taking avantage of the opportunity you have back in the UK"?


You need to give it more time, trust me, went thru this. Is it the loneliness kicking in? It happened to me overseas and on reflection the loneliness hit at the same time as the kid wanting to live with me and my mom’s “you need to be here” comment.

My advice. Set some hard timelines and keep re-evaluating. Ask yourself (actually write it down) what were the reasons you left? Why or what do you think would be different if you went back? I now keep a written diary with kind of a score card and every month I do a “gut check” and ask myself the following questions:

• How’s your relationship with your kid(s)?
• How’s your relationship with your family?
• How’s work going?
• How do you like your living arrangements (your pad)?
• Are you still dealing with the ex and lawyers?
• How’s your personal life?
• How do you feel in your heart?

Again, I don't think you've given it enough time and I'll add that you need to make a real effort to reconnect as it just doesn't happen by itself especially when you have things tugging heartstrings in another direction. For me, on reflection, being in a new country with no family and no friends, it was real easy for the kids and family to tug the heartstrings and motivate me to move back but now that I've done it, I keep feeling that I shouldn't have.

Forgot to answer your question: answer - Because even if I was to stay in Canada, I wouldn't pick this city to live in. I'm only here because my girls live here and I now know that they'll be fine without me - hell they can come with me if they want. There were reasons I went overseas and they are all still there - I need a change. Moving back to Scotland is the top of list on where I would go but I would have to take a trip and make sure I could get a job. Lastly, I made a decision to put my personal life is on hold until I make a decision of "am I going to stay or am I going to go" 'cus I devastated a girlfriend when I left the first time (she couldn't ever see leaving) and that just isn't right. So, it's time to make a decision and get on with living MY life.

Not easy decisions and even harder trying to explain by typing. Hope that all made sense.

Re: confused
 

Thanks for the advice 'Hawk 13'. It isn't the loneliness, because here in the UK I have all my family around me, that was one of the reasons for coming back. That and the job I did have in Canada I wasn't enjoying as much.

But now the dust has settled and I've taken a step back from Canada you start looking at the future and I ask myself 'is my future in the UK'. But your right I should give it more time and not rush things. I do have a new 5 year PR card and I've got plenty of time before making a decision.

Next thing to get done is the divorce. I have to have been in the UK for six months to do that so I haven't got long. I'm hoping it's going to be really quick because there really isn't anything else to sort out. I have nothing else to give. Ha Ha... only my soul I suppose.

Re: confused
 

Hawk13 some good points. Mine is just entering the teens though and that is what really concerns me. But I agree 100% I feel my life is on hold. The questions you pose are spot on. Nice to know they didn't break the mold:rofl:

"...and they told her that she may pay for them but they know it’s with the money that dad has to pay her – she had a little meltdown on that one. "

I for one would genuinely appreciate some of our female commentators chiming in on this debate. Come on ladies, judging by the 'views' someone is looking.

Re: confused
 

Tim: Good luck with the divorce and you may laugh but they may want your soul too, lol. Try asking to get your name back - mine freaked out about that as well - truly don't get it sometimes.

Vikingsail: Early teens, eh. Only you can be the judge of that one then. So let me ask, to what age are you on the hook until? For me it's until they turn 19 and then if they go to college you're on the hook for another 3. My oldest wants to know why I just can't pay her and she will look after all her own stuff - my answer as always "you have to ask your mother"

Re: confused
 

It sounds like you do your fair share of stirring too.

As a former teenage girl, I'd say you're very wise not to pay your daughter and let her 'look after her own stuff.' ;-)

Re: confused
 

Haha, nice try on the stirring, but when your kids start asking questions and want to have adult conversations about things, the way I chose to parent is I feel that you're obligated to have those conversations - unlike my ex whose stock answer is, and I quote from my teenage daughter, "you're too young to understand and we're not discussing this". And to everyone thinks that each parent tries to manipulate their kids to get what they want, my stock answer is this "my kids know the truth and their opinion is the only one that matters"

As for being not wise in wanting to pay my daughter, I think you misunderstood - I would actually prefer to pay my daughter. I was out living on my own and still going to school, when I was 16 so a little bit of that independence has to rub off on your kids. I encourage both my daughters to pay for their own clothes, activities, etc. from their own bank accounts (in which I still deposit money every month) so that they can start to learn how to manage their own finances. My oldest is the one that came up with the idea of her getting the child support money and then even paying rent if she had to. Didn't go over well with the ex as it's all about control and without the money she loses some of that.

Anyway, I hope this thread doesn't turn into one of those crappy divorce things because it's a waste of time - to each their own, I'm not one to judge how others chose to do things and I'm not interested on how others judge me, unless your my mom of course.

Re: confused
 

I wasn't judging. I had been following the conversation with interest and someone wondered what the female perspective was. My own thoughts as I read along had been 'I wonder what the wives would have to say.' It seems to me that often in divorce situations, each person recognizes the stirring their partner is doing while being totally oblivious to their own issues. Or at least that's what I've seen with my friends.

But I wasn't trying to be nasty so I'm sorry if it came across that way.

Re: confused
 

Sally Simmons that was me. Yes as I was watching my own 'thread' and I had this sixth sense that there are a lot of women reading but not commenting. So a big thank you for chiming in. That was my point as well where are all the wives. Although I agree with Hawk I don't want it to turn into a 'crappy divorce' thread so probably better not to have got those replies. This is not about 'bear baiting.' I have to agree with him though, very often it does seem to be leveraged/ centered around control in many cases. I also would never see my children go hungry or without. But it does gall somewhat to see the extra flights for relatives/ holidays to exotic locals that have increased as a result of child support when my children go to school in 'bare minimum purchases. Incidentally, all this from an individual whose gross income far exceeds my own.

Enough of that. My interest in comments from the fairer sex was on what they think I should do.

Re: confused
 

None taken. It kinda goes with the big "D" word.

Re: confused
 

G'day from WA! I have been in WA since the beginning of March this year - having left 2 of my 3 children (16yrs & 14yrs) in the UK with their Dad - but now I'm thinking of going back as I hate being this far away from them. I can totally understand your comment about 'building a life abroad for your child', which is why I came here even though my sons stayed behind telling me that they were quite happy with their lot in England - I, however, was looking at the bigger picture and thinking how England may be in 10 or 20 years time and wanting to give them options!

Re: confused
 

Apologies - only half of message!

I can understand your comment about 'building a future abroad', which is how I justified it to myself and others about leaving my boys behind - I was merely going on ahead to pave the way for them - but they are quite happy where they are and it's left me completely the opposite.

I do, however, still feel incredibly guilty for 'leaving' my children - but in reality it isn't the people that we're leaving, it's the place - people can visit and be visited.

Plus, whilst living in the UK I did find that as the kids were getting older it was more and more difficult to get them to visit their Dad on a regular basis (it interferred with their social life!) - my OH also has 3 (older) kids in the UK and the only time he saw them was when he went to give them their pocket money - if they happened to be in! So, that being said there is a lot to be said to living elsewhere in the world and spending quality time together during summer vacation, as another person said.

And you have your visa, so the door is not being closed and locked behind you should you decide to go back 'home' to the UK.

Good luck whichever way you go.

Re: confused
 

So, one of kids went with you? How is that going?

Being far away from your kids and feeling that you should be there for them is a common thread that you have to work through. "Beginning of March" - my advice, you need to give it more time. Are your two sons still doing fine without you? - probably yes (and I worded the question this way on purpose and it wasn't to be a dink). When I left, I'll admit that a small part of me figured that the kids would miss me soooo much, they'd come and join me. Then, when you find out that they are fine without you, you start justifying why you should go back - but you need to really ask yourself "what were ALL the reasons that you decided to venture away". I can say straight up that I ventured away "to build a life for myself" and if the girls wanted to come with, that would be great but if they chose to stay that would be OK too.

So, from someone that allowed himself to be pulled back, I can tell you that I'm right back to asking myself "why did you move back". What if you moved back and in 2-3 years from now your sons said that they were off to New Zealand (my pick over Aus), would you then move with them? During one of our conversations, my oldest daughter (she lives with me now) told me that she is fine with going back to the ex's if I decide to leave as it's only for a year. Once she graduates, she's leaving this place to "see the world". And if I go, she would prefer I go somewhere warm, lol.

If you have late teenage kids, you would hope they are on their way to adulthood, venturing out and leading their own lives and we need to take the time and work through the feelings associated with "do we need our kids? or do our kids really need us?"

Re: confused
 

Thanks for the post about moving without your kids it puts a different perspective on things for me.

On a slightly different note I have to thank whoever recommended the Apple App 'TuneIn Radio.' I know it was somewhere on this site that I got the information from. It is a fantastic and invaluable application - free if you like listening to radio around the world.

This weekend felt somewhat surreal to be able to travel along the CA I-5 at about 80F midday while listening to Radio 2 in the early Saturday evening, Liza Tarbuck I believe. Again, today I was able to begin my workday commute with Steve Wright in the afternoon. Much better than the local self absorbed muppets who pass themselves off as DJ's in my locale.

However, I suppose now I have taken to avidly listening to UK radio in my car and home I might as well be there! I feel the beginnings of a plan coming on. Meanwhile it is a great way to connect and help alleviate the cycle of homesickness which comes in waves.

Re: confused
 

Hi - in answer to your question Hawk13 our 8 year old (who didn't have a choice about coming) has started school and made a couple of friends, but would go back to the UK in a heartbeat. I know I made the original choice about coming over to WA to 'build a better future' for the kids, but I'm not really sure after being here for a couple of months whether it is so much better than the UK - granted it has great weather most of the year but non of us are avid sun worshippers. House rentals are expensive and hard to get, house prices are through the roof so that's not going to be any better for them and because WA is such a huge state there's a fair bit of travelling to do (kids can't do that themselves, so I'd still be a taxi service). OH is out over 11 hours of the day to do an 8 hour job.

I was hoping that they would miss me sooooo much that they would follow me but they're stubborn little buggers and know me so well that they know I'll crack before too long, if they hold out. I've been told by their step mum that they're both struggling at the moment though (her mum's ill and they're quite close to her, so it's got them thinking a bit).

However, the top and bottom of it is - the same dilemma as numerous members - do I do what I WANT to do (which is to go back to the UK) or do I try to stick it out here and hope they'll change their minds, soon.

And I know that makes me sound ungrateful for the opportunity I've been given to change my lot in life, but I'm not. WA is a beautiful, beautiful place but I just can't put my heart and soul into making a life here for my family, when only half of my family is here. The good thing is though, our visas are valid until Sept 2016 so we could return to the UK and then possibly all come back later???

Re: confused
 

They say that your kids are a reflection of yourself, funny how that is as my oldest daughter is like that and easily falls into the stubborn category.

You're right, you hear of lots of people on this site that moved overseas to "build a better life" and then realized that they were better off back home. For me, I think I'm looking for a "different life" - change of scenery as they say.

Re: confused
 

And I know that makes me sound ungrateful for the opportunity I've been given to change my lot in life, but I'm not. WA is a beautiful, beautiful place but I just can't put my heart and soul into making a life here for my family, when only half of my family is here. The good thing is though, our visas are valid until Sept 2016 so we could return to the UK and then possibly all come back later???

Msbds I know how you feel. I often think that I should be grateful for where I am but just don't have the enthusiasm. Its so ironic that people think places are so much better than the reality of living in them. I note someone else said the same thing about Florida in another post - much better on return as a tourist. In in So. Ca every Brit I meet on holiday is naturally enthusiastic but the day to day reality is just a bind frankly.

I find myself saying if only I could have my same job in the UK. I don't think its likely though I have been away to long - any move is really going to have to involve a reinvention of myself or a good lottery win:) The reinvention does not scare me just when is the best time to do this as I have said. Perhaps I am wrong but I perceive my fellow countrymen/women's foibles as being firmly rooted in not liking change. My brief and to be fair they are brief sojourns there have done nothing to dispel my fears. I usually get the why are you back/ well you have not been here in a long time/ things are different mentality from employers - and of course increasing age does not help...

I am thinking s/employment is possibly the best answer to avoiding/alleviating these issues. Ideas ?

Re: confused
 

I'm sure many of my friends and family would raise an eyebrow if I said I didn't know where they got their stubborn streak from!

Further to my comment about them both struggling at the moment - I received an email from the 14 yr olds math teacher, saying he hasn't done the last 6 lots of homework - flatly refuses to do it during break detention and he/she wants to keep him behind for after school detention. He's coming over in 10 days (yipee) for a month so I'm going to try and find out what's going on and you never know he might decide that he's up for a change of scenery now!

I think I could be happy in WA if we were together as a family (guess that's where the comment Hawk13 made comes in about it being different for guys and gals). But in reality my life in the UK wasn't much different to what it is here - we go to work/school; come home; have tea; watch tv; go to bed - I was hoping that by removing our 'comfort zone' then we would maybe feel motivated to spend time as a family, possibly go to the park or the beach after school but by the time hubby gets in on a night, it's nearly dark at this time of year and by the time the light nights come around again we'll be back in the same old rut as we were in UK. I'm now thinking I should really have just given us all a good kick up the arse instead of hoping that the change of surroundings would be the 'magical' remedy.

The one thing that is bothering me about going back to the UK is the job situation - I had thought along the lines of self employment too, vikingsail. I don't think I've read in any of the posts what you do for a living (can you do your present job as self employed??) and you don't say what part of the UK you'd be going to (is there enough demand where you're hoping to be to support you being self employed??). I'm a Coeliac so I'm thinking along those lines for my possible trip into working for oneself!