yellowbunny

Hello all.

Was wondering if anyone might have some words of wisdom... my sweetie has been here on a K-1 for abouth a month, we're not married yet, but we're almost there and getting everything ready for AOS. Here's the problem... quite a while ago i was offered a job in the big apple that represents an opportunity for me to get my undergrad loans paid off, my master's degree paid for, and to make more money (good in case sweetie doesn't get a job right away, though his quals are good). Sweetie was very much in support of me doing this...

...until now. We're having a lot of problems. Im supposed to start training in a little more than a month and i have to get the ball rolling with stuff. Sweetie is now very much opposed to me doing this and is generally angry about almost everything. He doesn't want to move again (understandable) but doesn't seem to like the idea of me commuting either (it's doable). We cant afford to live very well on my current salary and it's hard to afford the extras (like plane tickets home for him, etc.) and will be even harder if i have to go back to paying on my student loans.

what do I do? Do you think it's more important to let sweetie stay put for a little while (we'd be looking to move in about 4 months) or to go ahead with an opportunity that might pay off very well in the long run? (and no, I can't put off the opportunity by a few months, it's a one shot deal).

any advice welcome.

thanks!

snowbunny

do you want to marry a guy who opposes your business career?

You don't say whether you meet the income tests to support him long term; do you have a co-sponsor?

Until sweetie is in a good position to support the both of you and pay off your debts, do what you gotta do.

yellowbunny

I do meet the income requirements but...well, okay, I make enough money to pay the bills and have a little fun. Which is fine enough but he wants to go home later this year, I'd like to go with him, we want to start saving to have kiddies... etc. etc. So I need to be pulling in some money in case he doesn't start working right off--he came over with not very much.

ian-mstm

It helps to remember that, despite the time, money, and paperwork involved, you are not obligated to marry this guy... and when his K-1 expires, he can leave the US. End of story. If he's angry now, wait until you're married to him and trapped!


Since you ask, go ahead and take the job opportunity. If he doesn't support you fully with this, well... you know where you stand with him! I suggest you move first and, if the marriage is still viable, marry afterwards. I strongly suggest you do not marry first!

Ian

Noorah101

Hi yellowbunny,

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. It's stressful trying to get through immigration, AOS, and adjusting to a new life...it takes patience and understanding for both parties.

Since Sweetie suddenly doesn't like your new job idea, does he have a Plan B? Is he saying he'd rather have you nearby, not move, and make less money? Is he willing to not take the trip home if you don't take the new job, and continue on your current income? He can't have it both ways. You are smart to figure he won't be working for a while, and you'll be using only your income plus some savings. Find out what his ideal plan is, and see if you guys can compromise on some things.

My advice: Try to find out if he truly is unsupportive of your personal career goals, or if he's just nervous and afraid of all the changes (that's understandable). You still have a couple of months until you have to get married. Get to know his real reasons before making the commitment.

Where is he from, if I might ask?

Best Wishes,
Rene

janadeen

AOS mite be the least of your probs.

ADVICE -

1. take the job
2. if you haven't already, sit down, now, and have a serious discussion about, amongst other things ...

- financial goals
- children (having/not having, dicispline, religion etc)
- infertility and how he'll cope if this were to ever become an issue
- in laws (where they'll live in case of health or financial straits
- where you all will want to retire in old age

From reading your email, it makes me think that you may well be surprised by some of his responses.

yellowbunny

Thanks everyone.

He is a brit, rene.

Thing is, it's not just about the money...i'm really excited about this chance and i think it'll be awesome for us in the long run. It'll give me more vacation time, shorter working days, as i said provides for my master's degree and paying off my student loans...so for me it's going to be a job i'll enjoy and the move, the training, etc. just means that the delayed gratification will be even better. I was feeling for the last few monrhts like i had everything good in front of me--my sweetie being here, starting new job and everything...now i just don't know.

i'll try to talk to him and see what he thinks, but he's stubborn and i know he might well dig in his heels. I really really want to do this and i really really think it's the right thing for US not just for me in the long run, and have been talking about it with him and thinking about it for many months. But now, like i said...don't know what to do. His point is that it's hard enough for him to be here and he shouldn't have to up-sticks again so soon. and I think he's kind of right and i feel bad about this. But like i said, it's a one-shot deal.

i'm going to try to talk to him but I don't have a good feeling about it.

janadeen

Pushing everything aside here, do you REALLY not know what to do?

Are you saying you're really unsure whether or not you should take the job??

How will you feel if you don't? If you can live with that/those feelings and/or any resentment that you mite start to fester, then dont take the job.

yellowbunny

I know that pRACTICALLY speaking I should take the job--it will pay off well in the long run.

In terms of his feelings and our relationship, though, I feel like he'll feel like i put my job and my career goals before his feelings--even though, like I said, this will pay off for both of us.

janadeen

Isn't your relationship practical as well?

Curious - believe me - you dont have to answer - have you all had these discussions already ... ?

- financial goals
- children (having/not having, dicispline, religion etc)
- infertility and how he'll cope if this were to ever become an issue
- in laws (where they'll live in case of health or financial straits
- where you all will want to retire in old age

Noorah101

I can see your enthusiasm about this, and that makes me think you should go ahead and do it. You made several good points about why you should. His only gripe is that he doesn't want to move again? Exactly how far away would you be moving? You said earlier it's commutable....it can't be that far away, then.

Maybe he's experiencing a loss of control over his own life...after all, nothing is in his control right now...and might be jealous of you. Still, that's not a mature approach.

You suggested that he stay put, and you commute. What's his gripe about that?

Rene

yellowbunny

We have had them except the in-law discussion...his mum is very well taken-care-of over in GB and my parents are still quite young (mid 40s)...tho I suppose we should talk about that! the weird thing is is that we were very much in harmony on those things...we both want to have children in the next, say, 5-7 years...we both want to be financially independent enough to afford to keep the option to move back to GB open...we both want to adopt in case I'm infertile (we already know he's fertile, long/sad story i won't get into here)...

But recently he's been asking me a lot of search questions about things i thought we had settled and not liking my answers. doesn't like the way i have the flat arranged (though i've been open to every change he's suggested, have spent money on new furnishings and accessories). doesn't like my attitudes even about politics, religion, etc. (and believe me we talk about these things a lot!) i feel like he doesn't even esp. like me anymore, let alone love me enough to marry me. i have no idea what i did wrong.

Rene I think his gripe about me commuting is simply that he can't handle the upheaval so soon after moving stateside. and he feels like I care more about my career than about his feelings. Again, I can understand that--but i feel like i'm stuck between a very hard rock and a very hard place.

Noorah101

But what's the upheaval on his part, if he stays put, and you do the commuting? He's not moving. He can stay where you are now, and relax, get used to the USA, do some job hunting, etc. Are you talking about a daily commute? Weekends? Monthly?

My husband came here on the K-1 as well, and could only find work in Los Angeles. We live in Phoenix. For most of the 2 years he's been here, he goes to work in LA and comes back home for a long weekend every couple (or few) weeks. It's not ideal, but we both understand this is our best scenario for now.

How old are you guys?

Rene

yellowbunny

Probably I would commute weekly, come home on weekends. it would be tough because i'd be paying 2 rents until sweetie gets a job, but do-able.

i am 23 and sweetie is 34.

Noorah101

Then personally, that's the way I'd go. Paying 2 rents would be hard, but if it's do-able, then that way seems to give both of you what you want. You can do your new career/job/school, he can stay where he is and not move again, and you'll still see each other on weekends. Sounds like a win/win to me!

Maybe once you're gone all week for a while, he'll realize he wants to move over there after all.

Rene