Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
May 8th 2006, 7:47 pm
#31
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Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 58,679
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by snowbunny
You can't give him a good life if he can't give you a good life.
Sounds like he hasn't really found himself -- how old is he?
Sounds like he hasn't really found himself -- how old is he?
Rene
May 8th 2006, 7:47 pm
#32
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 41
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by meauxna
It's so hard to say what to do--we don't know your whole history together (and please don't share 
) but I have a strong feeling of what I'd do in your shoes.... (hint: it involves boxes, suitcases and a new apartment).
Best luck with this.
) but I have a strong feeling of what I'd do in your shoes.... (hint: it involves boxes, suitcases and a new apartment).Best luck with this.
May 8th 2006, 7:48 pm
#33
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Joined: Jan 2005
Location: HOME
Posts: 23,181
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by yellowbunny
i want to be able to give him a good life here and i think ic can, but again...he seems to be fighting me on everything and anything. I don't know what to do--what would be the kindest, fairest thing for him.
It is not your job as a (future) wife to 'give him a good life here'.
If he is 'fighting you over everything and anything' now, it is unlikely to get better.
I have no reason to doubt that you love him very much. But believe me, love is never enough to make a whole life together.
May 8th 2006, 7:48 pm
#34
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 41
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by janadeen
"I want to be able to give him a good life here and i think ic can"
"I don't know what to do--what would be the kindest, fairest thing for him."
OMG
"I don't know what to do--what would be the kindest, fairest thing for him."
OMG
*sigh* maybe, who knows.
May 8th 2006, 7:51 pm
#35
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Posts: n/a
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Hi Yellowbunny,
It sounds like a difficult time for you and your fiance trying to sort
things out. From an immigration standpoint, when you file your AOS, you
will have to show that you can support your husband at a level at least
125% above the poverty level. Will you be able to do this if you don't
take the job versus if you do? Also, when you are doing the AOS, you
need to show evidence of being in a "bonafide" marriage. I think this
is harder (but not impossible) to do when you are living apart for an
extended length of time, so this is a consideration you should think
about when making the decision (e.g. if you decide you will live in NY
and he elsewhere).
Aside from the immigration practicalities, big decisions like this are
stressful for both parties. My husband and I are facing a similar
situation. I am finishing my graduate degree and locked into living in
Texas until I finish. He is done with his post-doc work and ready to
settle into a permanent job, although he has temporary work lasting
until I finish up. He's had several good offers from companies not in
TX, meaning we would have to live apart for awhile, which is something
neither of us wants to do.
For each opportunity, we've had to look beyond what it means to each of
us individually and try to evaluate what is best for us as a married
couple. Sometimes what's best for us as a couple isn't what we would
have chosen had we both been single and making the decision on our own.
This takes a lot of effort and discussion because we each have our own
opinions and aspirations we bring into the marriage. Only the two of
you will be able to evaluate what is best for you as a couple. The best
advice I can offer is just to talk about it together.
I imagine for your fiance, it is a difficult transition moving to a new
country away from friends and family. My husband moved here from
Britain and although you wouldn't think it would be that hard to
adjust, he found that it was difficult (he's had to learn to pronounce
his "t's" as "d's" so that people can understand him!). Maybe the move
to the US combined with the prospect of your potential job change is
overwhelming him. If taking the job is the best thing, make sure that
he feels involved in the process so that it's a decision you're making
together, rather than a decision you're making and he has to go along
with.
That's just my two cents. I know these things are hard and I wish you
the best of luck figuring out your path.
Cheers,
Marie
It sounds like a difficult time for you and your fiance trying to sort
things out. From an immigration standpoint, when you file your AOS, you
will have to show that you can support your husband at a level at least
125% above the poverty level. Will you be able to do this if you don't
take the job versus if you do? Also, when you are doing the AOS, you
need to show evidence of being in a "bonafide" marriage. I think this
is harder (but not impossible) to do when you are living apart for an
extended length of time, so this is a consideration you should think
about when making the decision (e.g. if you decide you will live in NY
and he elsewhere).
Aside from the immigration practicalities, big decisions like this are
stressful for both parties. My husband and I are facing a similar
situation. I am finishing my graduate degree and locked into living in
Texas until I finish. He is done with his post-doc work and ready to
settle into a permanent job, although he has temporary work lasting
until I finish up. He's had several good offers from companies not in
TX, meaning we would have to live apart for awhile, which is something
neither of us wants to do.
For each opportunity, we've had to look beyond what it means to each of
us individually and try to evaluate what is best for us as a married
couple. Sometimes what's best for us as a couple isn't what we would
have chosen had we both been single and making the decision on our own.
This takes a lot of effort and discussion because we each have our own
opinions and aspirations we bring into the marriage. Only the two of
you will be able to evaluate what is best for you as a couple. The best
advice I can offer is just to talk about it together.
I imagine for your fiance, it is a difficult transition moving to a new
country away from friends and family. My husband moved here from
Britain and although you wouldn't think it would be that hard to
adjust, he found that it was difficult (he's had to learn to pronounce
his "t's" as "d's" so that people can understand him!). Maybe the move
to the US combined with the prospect of your potential job change is
overwhelming him. If taking the job is the best thing, make sure that
he feels involved in the process so that it's a decision you're making
together, rather than a decision you're making and he has to go along
with.
That's just my two cents. I know these things are hard and I wish you
the best of luck figuring out your path.
Cheers,
Marie
May 8th 2006, 7:55 pm
#36
MODERATOR
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 58,679
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by Elvira
It is not your job as a (future) wife to 'give him a good life here'.
If he is 'fighting you over everything and anything' now, it is unlikely to get better.
I have no reason to doubt that you love him very much. But believe me, love is never enough to make a whole life together.
If he is 'fighting you over everything and anything' now, it is unlikely to get better.
I have no reason to doubt that you love him very much. But believe me, love is never enough to make a whole life together.
Somehow, I still think he's just nervous about all the unknowns in his life right now, and seeing you have a really good path and solid choices in front of you is making him angry about "everything".
I hope you guys can work it out.
Rene
May 8th 2006, 8:03 pm
#37
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 41
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by Lagomorpheus
Hi Yellowbunny,
It sounds like a difficult time for you and your fiance trying to sort
things out. From an immigration standpoint, when you file your AOS, you
will have to show that you can support your husband at a level at least
125% above the poverty level. Will you be able to do this if you don't
take the job versus if you do? Also, when you are doing the AOS, you
need to show evidence of being in a "bonafide" marriage. I think this
is harder (but not impossible) to do when you are living apart for an
extended length of time, so this is a consideration you should think
about when making the decision (e.g. if you decide you will live in NY
and he elsewhere).
It sounds like a difficult time for you and your fiance trying to sort
things out. From an immigration standpoint, when you file your AOS, you
will have to show that you can support your husband at a level at least
125% above the poverty level. Will you be able to do this if you don't
take the job versus if you do? Also, when you are doing the AOS, you
need to show evidence of being in a "bonafide" marriage. I think this
is harder (but not impossible) to do when you are living apart for an
extended length of time, so this is a consideration you should think
about when making the decision (e.g. if you decide you will live in NY
and he elsewhere).
As to your question about support, yes, i meet the requirements as it stands now. but things are tight. Taking this new job would give us a lot more breathing room.
I also worry about proving the valid relationship for AOS, which is why i don't think less than a weekly commute would be good...i want to show that we are still domiciled together.
May 8th 2006, 8:11 pm
#38
Lapine Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Location: Austin, Texas in my own little world
Posts: 21,691
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by Noorah101
The OP stated earlier that she is 23, her UK fiance is 34.
If he wasn't working back home, he may find it incredibly difficult to find a job here which means that he may be socially isolated staying home and not working. In addition, the OP will have to support both of them including health insurance for the new spouse -- OP, how much a month is that going to cost you, both in the job you have and in the new job? What about having/supporting children?
What *I* would do in your situation is have him return home, you move to NYC, settle in, and then try again. That's my read of the situation coloured by my own opinion and experience.
May 8th 2006, 8:18 pm
#39
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Well, as I was composing my long novel, I realized you received a bunch
of replies and I read some of the exchanges!
One thing that my husband and I did before we got married was go to
this "Engaged Encounter" weekend. Because we were getting married in
the Catholic church in Scotland, this was a requirement we had to meet
before the US Catholic church would send our paperwork to Scotland. I
have to be honest and say that neither of us wanted to do this and
initially felt like it would be a BIG waste of time.
However, the weekend provided a time that was devoted to nothing but us
talking about various life topics in a way that was nonthreatening for
either party. It affirmed that we felt the same way about some things
and differenly about others, but most importantly it helped us open the
lines of communication before getting married so that once we did get
married, we knew the committment we were making to one another and had
a sense of how to settle our differences when we encountered them.
Maybe something like this would help you and your fiance. The "Engaged
Encounter" weekends are run by the Catholic church but are advertised
as being non-denominational. If the religious aspect of it isn't for
you, I'm sure you could find a family counseling agency that would
provide something similar.
Cheers,
Marie
of replies and I read some of the exchanges!
One thing that my husband and I did before we got married was go to
this "Engaged Encounter" weekend. Because we were getting married in
the Catholic church in Scotland, this was a requirement we had to meet
before the US Catholic church would send our paperwork to Scotland. I
have to be honest and say that neither of us wanted to do this and
initially felt like it would be a BIG waste of time.
However, the weekend provided a time that was devoted to nothing but us
talking about various life topics in a way that was nonthreatening for
either party. It affirmed that we felt the same way about some things
and differenly about others, but most importantly it helped us open the
lines of communication before getting married so that once we did get
married, we knew the committment we were making to one another and had
a sense of how to settle our differences when we encountered them.
Maybe something like this would help you and your fiance. The "Engaged
Encounter" weekends are run by the Catholic church but are advertised
as being non-denominational. If the religious aspect of it isn't for
you, I'm sure you could find a family counseling agency that would
provide something similar.
Cheers,
Marie
May 8th 2006, 8:24 pm
#40
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 41
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by snowbunny
Okay.... my take? a 34-year-old ought to know more of what he wants out of life though I realise fully that he may be confused and fearful from the move.
If he wasn't working back home, he may find it incredibly difficult to find a job here which means that he may be socially isolated staying home and not working. In addition, the OP will have to support both of them including health insurance for the new spouse -- OP, how much a month is that going to cost you, both in the job you have and in the new job? What about having/supporting children?
What *I* would do in your situation is have him return home, you move to NYC, settle in, and then try again. That's my read of the situation coloured by my own opinion and experience.
If he wasn't working back home, he may find it incredibly difficult to find a job here which means that he may be socially isolated staying home and not working. In addition, the OP will have to support both of them including health insurance for the new spouse -- OP, how much a month is that going to cost you, both in the job you have and in the new job? What about having/supporting children?
What *I* would do in your situation is have him return home, you move to NYC, settle in, and then try again. That's my read of the situation coloured by my own opinion and experience.
snowbunny, to insure him now will be very expensive and right now he is without insurance. the new job will mean better insurance for both of us (another reason i'd like to take it).
May 8th 2006, 8:26 pm
#41
Lapine Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Location: Austin, Texas in my own little world
Posts: 21,691
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by yellowbunny
snowbunny, to insure him now will be very expensive and right now he is without insurance. the new job will mean better insurance for both of us (another reason i'd like to take it).
Has he met up with any British expats while here? met some online? I think a reality check might help, and some company couldn't hurt.
May 9th 2006, 3:06 am
#42
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Joined: Jul 2002
Location: Richmond, VA, USA
Posts: 4,316
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
I know I'm a bit late to this discussion but of course I have to put my 2¢ in...
Yellowbunny, listen to me. I say this as kindly and sincerely as I can: YOU AND YOUR FIANCE ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.
When I first started reading this thread, I began thinking of how I was going to respond to the various things you said in relation to whether to take this job or not. For instance, I was going to say that if he is opposed to your taking this job because of the "upheaval" moving would cause him, then he'd REALLY oppose it after he's been at your current abode for a while (longer than a month) and feels more settled in. But then, the more I read, the more it occurred to me that the whole job debate is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
One of you sounds incredibly selfish, immature and inflexible. The other sounds very bright, pragmatic, grown-up and thoughtful. Guess which one of these descriptions applies to your fiance? I think you know the answer to that one...
Your fiance sounds extremely passive-aggressive. By that I mean that you KNOW taking the job would be the best choice, the smart choice -- but yet he's got you bending over backwards to make sure that HE isn't hurt or damaged in any way, even though deep down he probably realizes that taking the job is the best course of action.
I'm not a therapist or anything, but I lived with a passive-aggressive person for most of my life -- my father -- and the way you describe your fiance's behavior sounds eerily familiar. It also explains why you react to him the way that you do. Here are some of the traits of passive-aggressiveness that seem to apply to your fiance (at least as you've describe him here):
Fear of dependency
Fear of competition
Obstructionism
Fostering chaos
Feeling victimized
Making excuses and/or lying
Sulking
Here you are -- you have a FANTASTIC opportunity that most people your age (or even older) would kill for. It's a slight burden to have to move, but not the end of the world. Your fiance has only been here a month and thus hasn't had enough time to grow deep roots where you currently live. The pay would be great, your vacation time would be better-than-average. You wouldn't have all those pesky loans to pay for, which means you could REALLY put away that money and save for your future together.
So why is he trying to do everything he can to sabatoge that?
This does NOT have to do with whether you take the job or not. It's bigger than that. This has to do with your entire relationship, the way I'm reading things. If you are serious about going forward with this man, then you should seriously consider getting pre-marital counseling. It doesn't have to be faith-based or anything, just working with someone objective and trained to deal with situations like yours.
I promise you, if things don't change -- if HE doesn't change -- and you marry this guy you will end up feeling extremely resentful. You'll feel he's holding you back and working against what you believe is best for your future and your family's future. Likewise, he will feel resentful if you go forward with what YOU think is best (even if it probably is the best option AND he knows it). I saw this cycle happen countless times with my own parents, and even between my father and me.
Ironically, although you are the younger partner in this relationship, you mature and ready for marriage. You just don't sound ready for marriage to THIS guy -- at least not now.
Sorry if I sound like I've been watching Dr Phil too much but those are my 2¢.
~ Jenney
Yellowbunny, listen to me. I say this as kindly and sincerely as I can: YOU AND YOUR FIANCE ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE.
When I first started reading this thread, I began thinking of how I was going to respond to the various things you said in relation to whether to take this job or not. For instance, I was going to say that if he is opposed to your taking this job because of the "upheaval" moving would cause him, then he'd REALLY oppose it after he's been at your current abode for a while (longer than a month) and feels more settled in. But then, the more I read, the more it occurred to me that the whole job debate is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
One of you sounds incredibly selfish, immature and inflexible. The other sounds very bright, pragmatic, grown-up and thoughtful. Guess which one of these descriptions applies to your fiance? I think you know the answer to that one...
Your fiance sounds extremely passive-aggressive. By that I mean that you KNOW taking the job would be the best choice, the smart choice -- but yet he's got you bending over backwards to make sure that HE isn't hurt or damaged in any way, even though deep down he probably realizes that taking the job is the best course of action.
I'm not a therapist or anything, but I lived with a passive-aggressive person for most of my life -- my father -- and the way you describe your fiance's behavior sounds eerily familiar. It also explains why you react to him the way that you do. Here are some of the traits of passive-aggressiveness that seem to apply to your fiance (at least as you've describe him here):
Fear of dependency
Fear of competition
Obstructionism
Fostering chaos
Feeling victimized
Making excuses and/or lying
Sulking
Here you are -- you have a FANTASTIC opportunity that most people your age (or even older) would kill for. It's a slight burden to have to move, but not the end of the world. Your fiance has only been here a month and thus hasn't had enough time to grow deep roots where you currently live. The pay would be great, your vacation time would be better-than-average. You wouldn't have all those pesky loans to pay for, which means you could REALLY put away that money and save for your future together.
So why is he trying to do everything he can to sabatoge that?
This does NOT have to do with whether you take the job or not. It's bigger than that. This has to do with your entire relationship, the way I'm reading things. If you are serious about going forward with this man, then you should seriously consider getting pre-marital counseling. It doesn't have to be faith-based or anything, just working with someone objective and trained to deal with situations like yours.
I promise you, if things don't change -- if HE doesn't change -- and you marry this guy you will end up feeling extremely resentful. You'll feel he's holding you back and working against what you believe is best for your future and your family's future. Likewise, he will feel resentful if you go forward with what YOU think is best (even if it probably is the best option AND he knows it). I saw this cycle happen countless times with my own parents, and even between my father and me.
Ironically, although you are the younger partner in this relationship, you mature and ready for marriage. You just don't sound ready for marriage to THIS guy -- at least not now.
Sorry if I sound like I've been watching Dr Phil too much but those are my 2¢.
~ Jenney
May 9th 2006, 9:35 am
#43
Banned
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,551
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
Originally Posted by yellowbunny
Hello all.
Was wondering if anyone might have some words of wisdom... my sweetie has been here on a K-1 for abouth a month, we're not married yet, but we're almost there and getting everything ready for AOS. Here's the problem... quite a while ago i was offered a job in the big apple that represents an opportunity for me to get my undergrad loans paid off, my master's degree paid for, and to make more money (good in case sweetie doesn't get a job right away, though his quals are good). Sweetie was very much in support of me doing this...
...until now. We're having a lot of problems. Im supposed to start training in a little more than a month and i have to get the ball rolling with stuff. Sweetie is now very much opposed to me doing this and is generally angry about almost everything. He doesn't want to move again (understandable) but doesn't seem to like the idea of me commuting either (it's doable). We cant afford to live very well on my current salary and it's hard to afford the extras (like plane tickets home for him, etc.) and will be even harder if i have to go back to paying on my student loans.
what do I do? Do you think it's more important to let sweetie stay put for a little while (we'd be looking to move in about 4 months) or to go ahead with an opportunity that might pay off very well in the long run? (and no, I can't put off the opportunity by a few months, it's a one shot deal).
any advice welcome.
thanks!
Was wondering if anyone might have some words of wisdom... my sweetie has been here on a K-1 for abouth a month, we're not married yet, but we're almost there and getting everything ready for AOS. Here's the problem... quite a while ago i was offered a job in the big apple that represents an opportunity for me to get my undergrad loans paid off, my master's degree paid for, and to make more money (good in case sweetie doesn't get a job right away, though his quals are good). Sweetie was very much in support of me doing this...
...until now. We're having a lot of problems. Im supposed to start training in a little more than a month and i have to get the ball rolling with stuff. Sweetie is now very much opposed to me doing this and is generally angry about almost everything. He doesn't want to move again (understandable) but doesn't seem to like the idea of me commuting either (it's doable). We cant afford to live very well on my current salary and it's hard to afford the extras (like plane tickets home for him, etc.) and will be even harder if i have to go back to paying on my student loans.
what do I do? Do you think it's more important to let sweetie stay put for a little while (we'd be looking to move in about 4 months) or to go ahead with an opportunity that might pay off very well in the long run? (and no, I can't put off the opportunity by a few months, it's a one shot deal).
any advice welcome.
thanks!
Secondly NYC with such a large population must surely have good job prospects for him as well as you. I am surprised he can't see these two points.
I hate to say it but it sounds to me like he's more concerned about not marrying and therefore losing his ability to reside in the US, than he is about you, your career and the future of the both of you. Unless of course he has some paranoia/phobia about living in NYC.
Regardless of whether you move to NYC or not my concern would be if he is going to manifest control issues in the future. If the two of you can't sit down and discuss things objectively and reach a decision that is the best for the both of you, then there is a problem here.
What is the best for the both of you given the info you have provided? I think take the job offer and outline to him the positives of such a move. In the end, you must decide whether you want to move and whether this guy really is someone you can trust and who has your and the relationship's best interests at heart! Listen to how you feel about his behaviour, that will be a good indicator.
Can I ask how long have you known him? How much time have the two of you actually spent together? and how much of the deep and meaningful questions about being together have the two of you actually discussed?
Life and love is a give and take thing. Not one doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking. He is the guest in your country, your guest. You
are or will be his financial sponsor, liable to support him by law if you marry and until such time he gains citizenship or 40 quarters of work. You do the maths and then tell me who at this point in time should be making career and financial decisions? Because in my mind, the answer is YOU!
Don't sign on the dotted line unless you are absolutely sure about this guy and becoming his wife.
Good luck whatever you decide
May 9th 2006, 12:26 pm
#44
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 41
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
thank you again, very much, to everyone who replied.
We spent some time talking last night--didn't solve much, but my commitment to taking the jobis renewed.
i have also contacted the local reps for Engaged encounter and one of their weekends still has slots for next mont--i don't know how he'd feel about therapy, but maybe if it felt a bit more like a retereat/holiday he'd be interested.
thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart...the wedding date has been pushed back, at least. Who knows what happens now.
We spent some time talking last night--didn't solve much, but my commitment to taking the jobis renewed.
i have also contacted the local reps for Engaged encounter and one of their weekends still has slots for next mont--i don't know how he'd feel about therapy, but maybe if it felt a bit more like a retereat/holiday he'd be interested.
thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart...the wedding date has been pushed back, at least. Who knows what happens now.
May 9th 2006, 3:02 pm
#45
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Need Help with my K-1 Fiance
It sounds like you are making progress in deciding what your future
steps will be. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders and
are really thinking things through! It must be so hard right now to
have to deal with a potential job transition while also thinking about
marriage and immigration issues. I think it's a smart move to take
things slowly right now.
I hope the Engaged Encounter weekend will be helpful for the both of
you. I will keep you and your fiance in my thoughts. And I'll be
wishing you good luck in your new job - from what you've said it sounds
like a good opportunity for you professionally and financially!
Best of luck,
Marie
steps will be. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders and
are really thinking things through! It must be so hard right now to
have to deal with a potential job transition while also thinking about
marriage and immigration issues. I think it's a smart move to take
things slowly right now.
I hope the Engaged Encounter weekend will be helpful for the both of
you. I will keep you and your fiance in my thoughts. And I'll be
wishing you good luck in your new job - from what you've said it sounds
like a good opportunity for you professionally and financially!
Best of luck,
Marie