Mh

In article <[email protected]> ,
yellowbunny <member50862@british_expats.com> wrote:
    >> Yellow seems to have on blinders to all of the glaring warning
    >> signs the board is giving her. Maybe she'll slowly start to pick
    >> away at them.
    >> Oddly enough, there was a brilliant topic on Oprah (ok all Oprah non
    >> lovers - am not touting her, just saying the topic and DISCUSSION were
    >> quite excellent) yesterday.
    >> Would've given anything if Yellow could've seen it!
    >With all due respect i have been considering your advice very carefully
    >and maybe you missed the post where i said we've pushed back the
    >wedding date.
    >that's if the wedding even happens.
    >As i said earlier i truly appreciate everyone's help and i am not taking
    >this lightly. I am seeing many warning signs and am trying to figure
    >out if he is interested in working on them...i am starting to suspect
    >with great sadness that he is not.

We appreciate your openness and honesty AND maturity in this.

I think most of us have been through SOME sort of struggle due to culture
shock or whatever. But, I think we've also tried to be very understanding -
something he's not being.

If we've messed up your one true chance at happiness, I know we are all very
sorry and feel terrible.

However, as I've heard many times:
-being single and lonely often sucks, but can also be pretty fun and
enjoyable - especially when you're 23 and have a close family..
-a good marriage IS better than being single, all other things being equal
-a bad marriage can suck 1000 times worse than being single ever could

In other words: make double sure it's a good marriage, rather than A
marriage. A good marriage ALWAYS involves compromise and give-and-take. If
you don't see that NOW from "sweetie", you certainly won't see it after.

MH

Scarlett2004

My two cents worth is to agree with the good advice you have been given--especially the parts about letting go of the guilt. As so many have said, this man is supposed to be an adult and no one forced him to make this move. He made the choice. And if he chooses to go back to the UK, the thing he will have lost is you, and, as many others have said, that sounds like a big loss. But if he is not willing to work on this relationship, then that should answer some big questions for you. Just being physically together doesn't necessarily make a relationship better--both people being willing to listen, to compromise, to think about what is best for both of them are some of the things that help a relationship grow. Unless there is something we don't know, it seems strange that he would be so "attached" to your present home. After all, he isn't working, sounds like he hasn't developed any real roots there yet so what would be so traumatic about moving to NY?

Yes, a broken relationship is very painful on both people but you will survive (did you ever wonder why that Gloria Gaynor song is so popular!). You sound like a very personable and intelligent young woman who will, if this relationship ends, find someone worthy of you one day. And what if you don't? From the voice of experience--it is better not to be married than to be in a bad marriage. And don't expect the person to change after you are married. They might but it will only be because they want to change, not because you want them to do so. What you see is what you get--take enough time to really look at everything about the person and ask yourself if you can live with that every day for the rest of your life.

Best wishes to you. Since I do pray, I will remember you in my prayers.

kiwichild

[QUOTE=
so now he won't speak to me at all, won't share the bed with me, and basically won't do anything. have no idea what to do. i suppose it's time for a talk but basically it'll be me talking and him sulking/ignoring.

he is a wonderful man, i want everyone to know...has a delightful sense of humor, strong beliefs in justice, very kind to animals and children, that kind of thing. I really don't know what has happened. seriously, this isn't the real him--i'm sure of it. Unfortunately it's the him i have to deal with at the moment.[/QUOTE]

Well where has that "wonderful man" gone to? It sounds like into control/child mode. Seriously hon, if this guy won't be open and honest with you instead of nursing his ego and trying to deflate yours, then I'm afraid it's game over. Or else you will have this sort of crap to put up with if you stay with him.

Are you sure the 'wonderful side' wasn't some sort of facade? After all when we meet someone new we do tend to 'sell ourselves' to some extent by being the 'great, cool' person.

My opinon is that the behaviour he is displaying is what is called 'acting out'. And people do this because they have found in the past that it works in order to get their own way. Bit like a toddler throwing a tantrum, they have learnt it works.

Why did he bring up the possibility of his going home? Maybe to shock you into thinking he is prepared to leave and therefore you might relent. This is a classic control/manipulation tactic. Same thing goes for refusing to talk about things and sleeping separately. I'd wager money he's done this sort of crap with previous girlfriends (or ex-wife).

He won't listen to you or your side of things. He seems only interested in you doing things his way, and won't discuss (enter into the conversation) the matter objectively and with an open mind.

Hate to say it but I think you are dealing with a juvenile in a 34 yr old man's body. He charms to get what he wants and if that doesn't work then he changes tack and goes with another gameplan. He is being so self-absorbed and self-centred in my opinon. It's all about HIM! So then, where exactly do you fit in?

Sorry hon, but to be honest I am really thinking this is one fish you want to let go/throw back. Plenty more in the sea, as they say. If you stick with this guy, where will you be in 5 or 10 years time? and what kind of life will you and any children you have be living?

Elvira

Ah, I see: He's wonderful with the eays bits like talking about justice and stroking the cat.

It's the tricky bits like holding down a steady job and making a life (at age 34, IMSMR!!!) that he has problems with.

Hm...

kiwichild

Absolutely agree! Top post Scarlett!

yellowbunny

IMSMR? (sorry I suck at acronyms, LOL...well, except for LOL)

Elvira

If memory serves me right - should be 'correctly' I suppose...

kiwichild

Whats IMSMR mean Elvira?

kiwichild

Ah, Thank you

Noorah101

Personal story here: When I was 34, I was dating a man who was 46. He wanted to get married, and I wasn't ready yet. He was on his way to a 2-year assignment overseas to work, and told me I needed to make up my mind NOW. Unfortunately, I did the wrong thing and married him. It took me exactly 6 weeks to realize I did the WRONG thing...we fought and battled constantly. He left to go work overseas as planned, and I struggled with whether to follow him or not. As we were fighting long-distance on the phone one night, I said "I wish you could see me as your friend...maybe then we could start getting along better". His answer was "you're not my friend, you're my wife!" That did it. We got divorced shortly after that.

I guess the moral of the story is...when it's not going well, it's sometimes better to cut your losses sooner rather than later, and move on. I felt horribly guilty about not trying harder to make it work...but, my gut feeling told me I could never make it work with someone who didn't even consider me as a friend.

<<end rambling>> LOL
Rene

yellowbunny

I am seriously so amazed and moved by all the people who have taken the time to post to me--all of you, i thank you all so much.

i have really no one i can talk to about this...I do not want my friends and family to think badly about this man and consequently they do not know what has been going on. everything is rosy as far as they know.

i am not going to marry him...not right now. Am not even going to entertain notions of it until he proves willing to work on things. if he has to go home, so be it.

i love him but this is ridiculous...i can't imagine trying to raise respectful, thoughtful children when their potential father behaves like this.

kiwichild

Yep you're right and it's a very poignant point. If a couple can't sort out issues and challenges before they are married, then how on earth are they going to manage to do it after they are married! I think you made a wise call Rene

Just Jenney

Is it possible that since you're obviously extremely concerned about not hurting his feelings or making him feel "put out" that he recognizes that and is talking about going home as a threat to see if you'll buckle? That it's a sort of test for him to try to gauge how far he can push?


Talking to someone like they're a child never gets good results, but being straight and firm in your position -- and making sure he is fully aware of what you're saying -- does not have to be talking down to him. For better or worse, you have both decided to go down this path together but you are at a crossroads in that path. Telling him in no uncertain terms that you feel turning left is much, much better for your relationship -- and something you're only willing to compromise to a point -- is not the same thing as saying "shape up or ship out".

It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, per se, but more of a "This is where I stand, this is what I'm willing to be flexible with but this is what I'm NOT willing to compromise on" position. For instance, you are NOT willing to compromise on taking the NYC job (you WILL take it), but you WILL be flexible in not making him move to NYC and instead you'll commute. That's a fair and reasonable solution, you've made it clear to him that's where you stand -- now the ball is in his court. What will he do with it?


Mark and I can totally relate to this.


So, perhaps he DOES know where you stand and this is his response? He can't not talk to you forever -- he's gotta talk sometime and make a decision. I hope that decision will include consideration for your thoughts, goals and feelings, because right now it doesn't sound like he cares too much about that.

~ Jenney

janadeen

Yellow - sorry if it seems I'm being negative Nancy here - I'm not. Just responding to what you've written. In your last post you say,

"I do not want my friends and family to think badly about this man"
"everything is rosy as far as they know."

On another note, will you / shouldn't you / or DO you, think about why you have such concern in keeping appearances so rosy to everyone?

Kate2112

I can understand why you dont want your family or friends to know at this point. Its a wise move sometimes not to discuss the problems you are having in a relationship with people close to you, particularly if your beloved is acting like an asshole. They can tend to remember just the bad things. Talking things out here or with an unconnected third party can make the advise objective and if things turn out ok after a rough patch then its still just your business and his.
Once you make your decisions would be a good time to rely on their support.

Good luck.. thinking of you