neil

I had a brain wave - I think the problem is that she's a '78. In her 20's she probably didn't give it much thought, but now she's faced with the reality she may well have ginger children.

cindyabs

or she chose to ignore it.

Juswus

I may jsut have to steal that

Patrick Hasler

Can you blame her ??? .... You have 'GINGER' hair

Tracym

Tell her to grow up?

Seriously - scanning and approving your emails!? Telling you what you should/shouldn't say to your own parents !!??

I agree, get your own email account.

Now... utterly depressed and unhappy being married... well that's either a manipulative tantrum, or some serious problem you need to discuss. I can't really tell which - but I guess you'd better try to figure that out.

Depending upon the results of above:

A) Tell her to grow up

- or -

B) Try to address whatever big problems there might be by discussing them

Mallory

Here's a copy of the rules Roland, it should help.

THE RULES

The female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change at any time, without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the female suspects the male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is NEVER wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding that was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If RULE 6 applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must NEVER change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry and upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
If the female has PMS/PMT, all THE RULES are null and void.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.

bevinva

It's simple, don't think of things as what you think you have said/done. The problem is always in how the other person has perceived what you said/did and that is what you have to deal with.

You felt that you had the right to conduct your personal relationship with your own family as you see fit. Not unreasonable.

She felt that you have stopped wanting her input, and have shown a willingness to go behind her back. This is read as, my opinions are now worthless and he will go behind my back about anything now. So she feels that staying with this person is not something she wants to do. The latter may or not be the most rational thought, but if the former is addressed quickly things will be better. You don't always have to aplogise for what you did, you may not have been wrong, you just have to accept the other party's perception of it.


This works in my house, it's amazing how much it can improve things.

Tracym

Good advise - discussing feelings and perceptions is always a good thing.

But it seems there are two sides here - it sounds as if she seems to feel she has the right to not only be consulted at all times, but to "approve/disapprove" what he wants to say to his family.

Sounds very controlling to me.

My guess is that he "went behind her back" because he was afraid of the uproar should he have discussed it with her.

I'm afraid I don't think a spouse has the *right* to be consulted about everything a person says to another person they have a relationship with. And certainly not to *approve* such communications first.

cindyabs

It's hard to comment you know when you don't know what the background is on this thing with the family.

She may feel he has switched gears on her leading to a frustrated outbreak on her part. A bit over the top but.........

She may think she was "helping" rather than controlling.

Saying I think or I feel is better than to say You make me feel, you did this, blah, blah.

I asked my mother when I was their age if marriage got easier when you get older. She said no.

Bottom line is, is this going to matter in a hundred years ?

Tracym

Excellent point - the "I" language rather than "you".

Certainly a discussion of the whole event is in order.

The actual email won't matter in a hundred years - but the issues behind it might, imo.

MsElui

i think its the going behind her back thats p'eed her off. She is wondering if she can trust him now.

Thats what Roland has to apologize for. (not for trying to conciliate with his family - but going behind her back after allowing her to be involved to that point). if you can decieve about something relativly minor - what else could you be up to?


also - how did she find out? did you tell her (not so bad) or get caught (not so good).

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

Whilst Bevinva's post is a great rule of thumb and something I wish my OH would get his head round a whole lot better, I think Tracy's assessment is probably spot on.

If the ulterior motive of the amsuing opener really was to look for some sort of opinion on the issue then she needs to respect your opinion and stop throwing teddies.

True, we dont know the background, but even if there was a "bigger" issue with your parental relationship this is not the way to attempt to have an effect on it or influence your behaviour in any way.

If she's still in a piss about it later, explain you understand why she was upset (Bev style) but it's your relationship and you're going to do what you see fit. Looks to me like she needs to understand that you solicting her advice on matters and you doing exactly as she then says are two different things. Whilst it may be a maturity issue, directly telling her to grow up isnt going to help you.

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

In these kinda of situations people only, "go behind backs" when they are avoiding something. Roland should not have to feel that telling his wife, " I have decided to back down and send a concilliation email to my family" is going to cause a row or that she is going to attempt to stop him.

Sure, apologise for going behind her back but she has to realise that it is her own behaviour that caused it. Unless Roland does have an interfering old biddy mother who is pulling on the apron strings - which I have never got hint of before - then she's being unreasonable imo.

Tracym

Well yes, saying "Grow up" in exactly those words probably wouldn't be the best plan - I suspect Roland is smart enough to know that.

But I do think pointing out (lovingly) that the way she's going about things isn't the most mature and productive for a married relationship.

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

Yes, in a calm thought out conversation I completely agree, but in the middle of a row maybe not. I thought a gentle reminder might be useful.