Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotionally and Physically
 

Hi Everyone,

After reading what happened to EU_Girl, it seemed like what I'm going through now. I feel alone and don't know where to go nor what to do.

Begin with... we got married here in US and go through all tough process of paperwork, meanwhile few months after, I began to known him, he lied about almost anything and sadly, he started showing up his abusive side, for months I've been trying to tell myself that it's my fault I was so stubborn and it made him angry. Every now and then we had arguments, he call me names, and when I told him I'm leaving, he pinned me down on the floor, drag me by my arm and hit my face.
Within 6-7 months our marriage, I ended up at the hospital, and he swear and told everybody that it was an accident. I was terrified and he also told me that if I reported him then he will end up in jail and they will send me home.
So,I agreed to start all over again and hoping that he will change his behavior, sadly.. he didn't, it happened all over again, after he hit me again I told him "this is it, I'm leaving"... He begged me not to, and hide my passport and paperwork so I cant leave.

Again... I stayed with him for another 2 years with the same situation but he swear to me he will never hit me again. It wasn't an easy life, he don't have a job and I have no idea if he's even ever looking for a job. As soon as my employment card show up, I look for a job because I already used all my saving to pay for living and bills and also mortgage (the house we live in). I had a job and for almost a year, I work and pay for everything.
Meanwhile, we still have problem in our marriage, still the same, he didn't hit me since then, but pin me down, grab my arm, pull my hair etc if I wasn't agree with what he wanted--I was so sad, and I cried everyday in hoping it will get better.

few months ago, I found out that while I was at work everyday, he's cheating on me, I just feel so devastated--my whole world was just break down on me. I have nobody here, no family nor friends of my own, most of our friends are his friends.
All he said that I wasn't communicating with him, that's why he started "communicating" with other girls.
I tried to be strong and tried and tried so hard, but I cant take it anymore, while I'm working so hard to cope for every bills and so he don't loose the house because he cant pay the mortgage--he's cheating behind my back.
I left the house brokenhearted and after a while I was able to find a room to rent. I told him I wanted a divorce, or if he will give me a dissolution.

He told me if I don't want to give him another chance to work the marriage and come back home, then I can always file a divorce, but he will make sure that I have to go back to my country and that he will reported me to immigration. I was so shocked that all he wanted to do is make me miserable. I don't really mind going back home to be honest, I just was so sad now that all my love and caring meant nothing to him.

When I get my Permanent Resident card, instead of 2 years, I get the 10 years because when they send the card our marriage was already over 2 years--that's what I thought why they give me 10 years Permanent Resident card instead of 2 years.
He said even though it was for 10 years, he still can report me and send me home because he said I have to stay with him at least 2 years from the card was issued.
Then he said if that doesn't work, he will attempt to accuse me of fraud that will affect my Permanent Resident.

I spent my nights just crying and can't believe how I ended up in this kind of marriage--so different with my happily ever after marriage that I always dream about. I Had a thought just go back home and forget about this... But I don't want to leave everything hanging.

I need some inputs..thoughts...advices... about my case.

Thanks for reading.

Re: So hard to move on...
 

Hi ,
I would say even if he reports you nothing will happen. You don't have to file removal of conditions hence you have already the 10 year GC.Also even if the USCIS decides to look into your case (highly unlikely) only a judge can take your PR away.

Keep just in case all evidence you have and file a divorce?

Do you have your passport - if not get a lawyer and send the law enforcement to pick it up. Also cut him off your financial flow and most likely you should consider a restraining order.

I think he will get out of control in the moment you file a divorce.

I am dealing alot with cases like this in my other job and you need to be cautious!

Good luck
CCR

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Even if it were a two year card, he can report you all he wants. He has to prove that you married him for a greencard and that your marriage was fraudulent on your end.

While it is difficult for some of us to understand why a woman, or even a man, would allow themselves to become an object to be abused by a spouse, please, please, please understand that you have every right in the world to leave the spouse who is abusive and unfaithful. You do not have to remain in the house. You are free to file for a divorce and to file to receive part of the house as your assets, especially since he has not worked and you were the sole financial support of our household.

Run, don't walk, to the nearest woman's shelter. Remove yourself and your personal paperwork from the household, close your joint financial accounts (without telling him), pack your bag and leave. Leave everything else behind. Your physical and emotional well being is not dependent on material things. Everything you own can be replaced. Your life and emotions cannot. You can find phone numbers for women's center who are setup to assist you in the yellow pages of your local phone book.

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Once an abuser, always an abuser. He will NEVER change, and he will NEVER stop.


Sorry... but it's just a matter of time.


Just once, I would like to be proven wrong... but, sadly, it never happens. He will never change... never!


Good.


It is not up to him whether or not you end up back home... and you should not be afraid of his threats to report you to immigration. You haven't done anything wrong.


He is such a liar! You have a 10-year green card. Divorce will not affect your status in the US. He has no power to send you home, and there is no obligation to stay with him. He can no longer threaten you!

This is typical abuse behavior. The abuse is all about his power over you... but, in truth, he no longer has any power over you... so he will threathen you to make himself feel powerful. He has NO power over you, and nothing he can do now will affect you at all.

Ian

Re: So hard to move on...
 

Thank you for all your replies...
Crosscountryrider,

I have my passport -- Yes.

I did file a restraining order for 20 days, when I supposed to do the permanent restraining order I was too scared, I'm still thinking I loved him and don't want to do bad things to him--he said if I do that, he wont be able to find a job at all. I think I fall into his trap again, I talked to him -- again, and I didn't do the 1 year permanent restraining order.

I was hoping he will sign dissolution paperwork since I've been told that to file a divorce I need a lawyer, which at the moment I can't afford, but when I don't agree to give him another chance, that's when he started to threaten me, and I'm sure he won't agree anymore for dissolution.
Should I file a divorce right away?

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

WA_Gurl, I'm so so sorry that you're going through such an awful time in the US. :( <big hugs>

Please don't blame yourself for his behavior, anyone who can treat someone they supposedly love in such a way is a control freak and abusers like him will never change, as others have said here. There's nothing you can do to change him, and frankly, after everything he's done to you, you really should just leave.

Everyone is right, your husband has no way of getting you deported. You already have a 10 year green card anyway so even if he did report you to USCIS, it will make no difference. You entered the marriage for love, by the sound of it - you must have loved him to put up with his appalling treatment of you! He has no authority over your permanent resident status, as CCR said only a judge can take your PR status away from you.

Your safety is the most important thing - please get out of there as soon as you can. People like your husband don't suddenly stop being abusive, he will always be this way and if anything the abuse is likely to get worse.

Take care and feel free to PM me anytime. Good luck :fingerscrossed:

Re: So hard to move on...
 

In your situation you need to get away from this "man" as soon as you can. I think it depends on where you are, as to whether you need a lawyer or not but I'm not 100% sure on the divorce laws here.

It would be a good idea to obtain a permanent restraining order against him regardless - his behavior is disturbing.

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Hi Rete,
I know I was so emotionally involved in this marriage -- I don't know anybody in here, so he's the only one I can go to, he knows me too well on how to manipulate me so I kept giving him chances, sadly.. I was too scared to "move" out on my own since my immigration status that time still not certain.

Fortunately, I still had my job now, so I was able to financially re-settled in a rented room, just need couple months saving if I wanted to get a lawyer.
You are right, my physical and emotional well being is what I'm concern now, the only reason I stayed there for long time also I don't want him to loose the house--which still under his name. I don't even wanted to go for that house, I just wanted to be happy again, if that ever occurred.

Thank you all for explaining the immigration status on my case, one more thing less to worry...

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotionally and Physically
 

These guys take the piss ,us good guys have to pick up the pieces ,why cant women see the light and leave the bullys of this world straight away.

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Thanks Ian for re-assuring me...

My bad, I talked to him again after 2 weeks I kept him in the dark, he contacted all my friends in here and back home tried to get hold of me.
Although I was scared, we talked like a friend -- except when at the end I don't agree to something and his true color showed up again and started to threatened me. Last he said he will reported me to the immigration because I'm no longer in the house, I read in the USCIS website that a PR holder need to report changed address if they move within certain days period, so I file online Form AR-11, was this step right?

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Thanks Randomgurl, this all I need now... a place I can share my burden which I dont have before.
He had no way of contacting me except he knows my number at work, since the 20 days restraining order are gone, he called sometimes--being friendly, I don't know until when. If he started calling me like crazy at work, should I do the restraining order again?

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotionally and Physically
 

They all pull the "I will have you removed punch" it means I am scared so I will scare you back.

Don't take his cr@p you have more then enough evidence of his abuse, as Rete said run. don't walk and don't look back.

Affidavit of support he is not working but he is still responsible ;)

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

I believe that's right, yes. And again, he can 'report' you all he wants, but it won't do anything because you have done nothing wrong.

Keep protecting yourself. Don't let him interfere with your work life, either. If you are comfortable, you might consider telling your boss your situation so he or she can intervene if he becomes a nuisance at your workplace.

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

That is a minor infraction and the act of not reporting must be willful for it to be criminal.

As far as your divorce, file the papers and serve him. It is likely that since he does not work, he will not go through the expense of hiring a lawyer and contest the divorce so you won't need a lawyer either.

Everything he has said is just to intimidate and manipulate you. There is no validity to his threats.

Re: Abusive Spouse and Moving On Emotional
 

Do not EVER talk to him. If he calls, just hang up. If he keeps calling, turn off or unplug the phone. If he emails you, print a copy of it but do NOT respond to him. If he contacts any of your friends, document it.


There is NOTHING that he can do to you! NOTHING. Don't believe anything he says... he will continue to lie and try to manipulate you. That's what he does best. Do NOT EVER contact him.

You do NOT need his permission to divorce!

Ian