1. She is being bullied - badly.
2. She doesn't want to go to Canada.
3. Her state of mind will be contingent upon 1 or 2.

Hi Gaynor,

I work in the Inclusion Department within a secondary school. My role is to provide one-to-support/counselling to pupils who are struggling to remain in mainstream education because of emotional/behavioural difficulties.

The work I do is not unuque and every school has either an inclusion department or members of staff carrying out similar roles under a different guise. My advice would be for you to contact your daughters' form tutor and raise your concerns with her. The form tutor needs to be aware of the situation and may be able to help but I would still ask for a referral to be made to the inclusion department as teachers do not necessarily posess the skills, or time, to deal with sensitive issues.

In my experience, pupils in secondary schools can oten find it difficult to talk to parents about issues that are causing them problems and being able to talk to someone 'detached' from the situation gives them the opportunity to unload some of their worries. Peer relationships in particular are often a big source of difficulty as young people can be extremely cruel when they want to be.

From what you have said, bullying may be an issue but it could also be a variety of other things (friendships, boys, workload etc) or as already mentioned, the prospect of moving to canada itself. As a parent myself I understand how difficult it is to watch one of our children going through something we have no understanding of or control over. Involving the schools inclusion department will provide your daughter with the support she needs to feel safe, happy and enjoy being at school. It will also provide you with a link to someone within the school who can monitor how your daughter is coping and provide you with some hopefully reassuring feedback.

I only offer my advice in the hope it will be of assistance, and not because I think I know all of the answers.

I hope things sort themselves out for you soon Gaynor.

Best wishes,

John

Yes, this is what I did with my eldest daughter and found out lots that helped her.
By the way, when my eldest daughter and husband went on a fact finding trip to Canada for the first time, my middle daughter became really sick with headaches and tummy aches etc but nothing I could see. She was 9. After a couple of days and taking her to the doc I decided the best thing for her was to go back to school. She refused. I had to physically drag her from the car up to the office and her teacher came out and started talking to her. Then the head appeared and suggested going to his office and she refused, so I went in and she followed, not pleased. We all sat down and he ignored her and talked to my 4 year old for 10 mins. Once she calmed down it all came out. Her dad and sister had gone to Canada and she was worried they would be eaten by bears! You just don't know what's in their heads! The school were great and she was fine after her fears could be allayed.
Talk, talk, talk, and get to the root. xx

Ah, I love the bear story!

The things that go through their heads!

My daughter is very keen on Canada, but she had a wobbly moment a while back. Turned out she'd sussed that we don't have jobs to go to (we're planning to buy our own business), and she was worried if we'd have enough money (for us, but mainly for her new dog)!

Gay's on the case today with her daughter (her girl 'MSN's' mine) so I'm sure she'll update when she gets five mins.

Hi John

This is what I have done today - contacted the schools Pastoral Manager as they call her and the form tutor. They have made contact with her during today and arranged that Hannah goes and has a chat - which she seems quite keen to do.

Thanks for the advice - where IS that bloody parents manual !!!!!

Gaynor

Ah, that sounds good.

There is a parents' manual. Tweenagers has a single page in it 'You are always wrong'!

Jen says that Hannah said yesterday 'aren't mum's great?'

So, sounds to me like someone thinks you're doing just fine.

UPDATE FOR ALL OF YOU

Well as I said to John - Hannah has come home tonight a different person. Apparantly the Pastoral Manager has had a quick word and explained to her that today was not a good day as she was busy, but made Hannah promise that she will make contact her tomorrow during one of the breaks and they will sit and have a chat. She seems really cool with this idea and says she feels better that it has started to be sorted - why didnt I do this a few days ago

Anyway huns thanks for your support with this problem especially the mkmurrays whose valued assistance has been invalueable.

Thanks a bunch

The Burton Bunch
x

Our pleasure, who knows, could be my girl having a 'wobbly moment' next!

Keep us posted.

MK Murrays

Glad to hear that Hannah is happier this afternoon and hope you get a better nights sleep tonight!
It's great to be able to share a worry on here and to be able to get some different ideas and experiences from other parents, especially with your OH already in Canada, and having so much else on your mind too, what with the impending move n' all.

Robin

I'm a psychologist by training and like to kid myself that Matt and I can talk about anything? Yeah right! No matter what u say to teenagers/tweenagers, no matter how you try to come across, no matter what u try, you just aren't the person your kid needs to talk to right now.

I really, really, hope all goes well, if you do end up nMeding to send her off to her dad, bear in mind the skyflyers solo thing that BA and others do for unaccompanied kids, it is really good (matt flies to Boston to see his father) so you needn't go with her. As well, if you had to take her out off school for a month or two at this point, might be a royal pain in the neck for you, but really, is unlikely to ruin her education or anything.

Best of luck.
C

Ah, this brings back memories. When I was 10, my parents announced out of the blue that we were moving to England (they told us at Christmas, we moved just before Easter). I can clearly recall that for the months leading up to the move, I would go to school, feel really sick, to the point that I would have to be led sobbing out of the classroom, almost every day.

Was referred to a child psychiatrist, felt REALLY uncomfortable talking to him, but fair play to him, he worked out that I was stressed because a girl in my class, who had moved over from England, told me that all children in England go to boarding school, they are taken away from their parents and never see them again. I was too young to actually make the connection and verbalise what I was afraid of (i.e. never seeing my family again), and therefore wasn't able to talk to my parents and ask if that was really what happened.

As soon as my parents assured me I wasn't going to boarding school, and promised me riding lessons ( ) I was fine. Funnily enough, I didn't end up in boarding school, but both of my brothers did, by choice!

I've had similar issues since - effectively panic attacks, normally when stress gets bottled up over time. What I would suggest (having BTDT from her point of view!) is use this as an opportunity to work with her about talking about her feelings, or writing a diary, yoga, or SOME form of venting. She's sick because she's bottling it up, as you know, and it's better to come up with a solution at 12 then wait until you're 26 like I did! The thing to remember, which is difficult for other people to understand unless you go through it yourself, is that the physical symptoms are real. I'm sure she does have a headache, or feels sick, but until she finds a way to relieve some pressure she's going to be pretty miserable.

Hi Gaynor,

Glad that Hannah is feeling happier today. It sounds like she feels comfortable with the idea of talking to someone which is always a positive start and helps with the process of getting young people to open up about the difficulties they are experiencing.

If children did come with a manual wouldn't it be nice if it was similar to the ones that come with DVD players. It would show where the mute facility is (cannot for the life of me find my son's) and of course there would be a pause/rewind/fast forward option to savour and relive the happy times and fast forward through the bad ones. Subtitles would also be useful at times as my teenagers never seem to say what they mean, or mean what they say.

Oh well, back to reality and to muddling along the best we can.

Best wishes,

John.

Made me chuckle!

Hi Gaynor

Have just had a look through your thread as I am busy moving home and have hardly looked in here.

Hannah is no doubt a bit stressed probably due to a combination of the big move/selling the house, saying farewell to friends and family, and of course she will be missing her dad. Perhaps some kids at school are also teasing/winding her up too. All of that, with hormones on top

You are doing the right thing by involving a third party. It's a mad time for the whole family and I hope everything gets sorted out real soon.

I am sure you don't need reminded on this but life in Canada will be a very good and positive experience for the family. People here definitely have a different attitude to UK. I find people here have a very positive outlook on life. There are lots and lots of activities and everyone is very friendly. We came to NS knowing no-one and the people here have been great. My kids are loving their new schools too which they never did back home - older son thought UK school was okay and younger son would have loved to quit!

Fingers crossed that you will see a huge difference in Hannah once the burden of what's troubling her is lifted from her shoulders. Best wishes and good luck to you all.

Hi Gaynor,

Just to say you and Hannah are in my thoughts, and i hope you both have a good evening/night.

R.