What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi all

I am having terrible trouble with my 12 year old girl at the mo.

Hubby is in Canada at the mo as he had to go start his new job and as quite a few of you know I am left here to sell the house and look after the kids.

Over the last 12 months Hannah has been complaining of stomach aches and headaches which the doctor has diagnosed as being Migraine, and because of the severity of these Migraines has had to miss some school days.

I have now gotten to the point with her that she is suffering from them for days on end, with nausea and a kind of deep depression, and she doesnt seem to be able to shake them off and they are going on for days and days. She wont eat, sleep or talk to hardly anyone .

She is a Year 7 student at the local High School here in the UK and through trying to drag information out of bits of conversations I have managed with her over the past couple of days she has told me how desparately unhappy she is at her High School and that she doesnt know how she actually gets there in the morning. She has even admitted to me that she has considered playing truant from certain lessons.

I can hear you saying well it's her age - but knowing my daughter I know that this is not what she is usually like. I am also aware that upset like this ,due to school, is not helping the Migraine but probably triggering them.

I cannot request a school move as the school know we are in the process of coming to Canada - and I feel that they are very unlikely to move her due to them considering all the extra administration wil just be a waste of time.

So my only solution is to send her off to dad in Canada so that she can also start her new life, but due to the amount of money it would cost for all 3 of us to go (2 of us on a return ticket) I cannot justify taking her - and as dad as just started his job he cannot take any leave as he will probably want to take that when we all arrive for good.

Any suggestions ??? Have suggested that she go unaccompanied minor but the problem being is that she will have to "land" on her own and sort out a study permit which I feel is way too much for a 12 year old to be expected to do.

Gaynor
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Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Gay

I do sympathise. Jen went through a bit of a wobbly time when she first moved to grammar school. She had headaches, sickness etc, and she became almost paranoid about doing anything wrong at school in case she got into trouble. I ended up having to speak to her form teacher about it, and over a time it sorted itself out.

Do you know exactly what is the problem with her school? Are some days worse than others? Or can't she put her finger on it? Have you spoken to her teachers? Do you want me to see if she's said anything to Jen (in confidence of course)? Jen is pretty grown up for her years and I can ask her for her views? Sometimes getting a kid's slant helps?
I'm no expert - going through the learning curve of having a pre-teen for the first time myself - but I wouldn't send her to her dad without you. Sounds like she needs her mum right now, and going through a whole load of new stuff without you wouldn't make her migraines any better.

How does she feel about moving to Canada? Jen's very positive at the moment, but I know she has her own worries. In her case she suddenly had a fit about whether we'd have enough money as neither of us have jobs yet....it's surprising what goes through their minds.

Sharon

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Sharon

Thanks for the reply.

Was gonna PM you about this - dont know why I didnt really.

Hannah doesnt like her teachers, doesnt like half of the kids in the class as there as some quite badly behaved kids in her class. She is doing really well and has nearly met all of her July 07 targets and grades - so whatever it is it is not affecting her education.

Have wondered whether she has "boy" trouble - have no hope of getting that out of her as she tells me it is none of my business and get embarassed. Hannah like Jen has a very good head on her shoulders and is way above her years in maturity.

She really wants to go to Canada as she "feels safer there" - those are her own words !!

See what Jen thinks and will try and get Hannah to go on MSN - she hasnt been on for about 4 days :ohmy: that is how down in the mouth she is. It is so worrying.

Chat soon

Gaynor

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Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Gay

Will get Jenny onto MSN tonight - she should be on, say between 5.15 and 6.00 and then, probably a bit later, around 7.30?;)

Wouldn't surprise me if there's boy trouble as well. Jen's boyfriend (who she only sees in school) is the cause of real highs and lows. Most of them not his fault. Think it's all those hormones going haywire.:eek:

School thing sounds similar to some of Jen's worries. She has an hour's journey each way on the school bus which was a real eye opener. Coming across up to 18 year olds was daunting. She also came across racism against one of her friends for the first time. Jen ended up taking matters into her own hands and reporting the racism, then being worried about being bullied for it herself.:blink:
Rather than waffle on, I'll sound Jen out tonight, and see if she can suss anything out. She might be able to open the conversation by telling Hannah how she was feeling.

Roll on house move and fresh starts all round, eh?:D

I'm waiting for the washing machine repair man now (in the hope he can resurrect it), as well as the postman (who I am sure has our PPR!):mad:

Take care

Sharon x

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Thanks Sharon

Remember my washer/dryer - Had to go buy a new one 6 weeks ago :(

Chat soon

Gaynor
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Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Washing machine's fixed!! Phew!!
Couldn't face getting a new one now!


Will be in touch.

Sharon

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

I'm 35 and a happy person but if I have to go work somewhere I really don't like, I immediately start suffering headaches and then end up being really sick.

Always been like this and I know it's a response to certain types of stress but once I start to feel ill, there is little I can do except take to my duvet.

Over the years, I have just adapted & now don't suffer much as I do other (probably intrinsically more stressful) things or pick my workplaces carefully.

Anyway, I ramble but my point is that if your daughter is like me, then you can treat the symptoms but in the end, it may be easier just to avoid the cause, particularly as once a physical response starts, then you just feel really bad for being upset by stress and then physically ill. It's a cascade of chemicals in the blood from the trigger that cause you to feel so physically ill & it takes some time for them to get out of the system.

However, I would check out the "feel safer" comment, it does sound like she may be being bullied. School can be a nasty place, being an adult is much easier!

If she is sensible and intelligent, missing a bit of school won't hurt and sending her off on her own to be met in Canada by her dad as a visitor may be something of an adventure and a relief to her!

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Gaynor

How long are you intending to be in the UK before you move to Canada? If not too long, would home schooling for the remainder of your time in the UK be an option?

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Gaynor,

I've had problems with my 14 yr old son too.

Since his move into year 9 he has struggled more and more, he didn't like his Math teacher and was feigning sickness to get out of school. We tried to find out why but he couldn't or wouldn't tell us.
Then in November he got excluded from school because he sprayed paint around his art teachers office one evening whilst he was on the school site attending air cadets in a building on the school grounds.
That was it, permanently excluded.
I then had to be off work and at home with him because I was concerned about his mental welfare and didn't want him roaming the streets whilst I was at work.
He has now been moved on a 'managed move' to a local boys school and seems to have settled well enough. I arranged all kinds of support for him so that he has someone else to talk to and he is having anger management sessions with a support worker.
I still don't know why he took such drastic measures to avoid school but I think he saw his actions as the only way out of his situation.
I don't have any answers for you but maybe she is one of the many that struggle with the whole heap of additional responsibilities that come with secondary school, but can't pin-point exact causes.
Is there a counsellor at school she could talk to?
Could she do some home schoolwork?
WH Smith have some great work books.
What would she like to see happen?
It's hard and painful as a parent to see our kids struggle like this, be careful not to blame yourself by thinking that you should have done something different!
My thoughts are with you and your daughter,
Robin x

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Gaynor,why are you gettting Hannah a study permit? As long as one of you has a work permit you don't need one.

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

You're right - she doesn't! She just moves here and starts going to local school. I would imagine if Dad met her at the airport with his papers, there shouldn't be any problem.

Gaynor; I'm so sorry that you (and your daughter) are going through this. My heart goes out to you. My daughter is the same - everything that troubles her always starts coming out physically first. Sometimes takes ages to get to the bottom of what the real cause is.

I would suggest that she will have a far better and easier time of it here in Canada (unless that's what's REALLY troubling her of course - the big move! Is it even slightly possible, that it is that, and she knows how much it means to you and her dad, so she doesn't want to rock the boat?).

She will very likely be treated so much better here in school by both her peers and her teachers. If you could somehow arrange for her to come over and be with her Dad, it just might be the best thing for her. But of course, only you can be the judge of that as you have all the facts and know her better than I ever could. Why don't you try talking to her about it - see what she thinks?

Just my thoughts :) Good luck and I hope you get it all sorted, for all your sakes. It's a very stressfull time all round. I feel for you!

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Thanks guys for your kind words - you know how it is you always think that you are the only ne with kid problems.

She has assured me that the only thing at school is a couple of the teachers she doesnt particularly like and who are not very nice to her. My problem with this is that they prob wont do anything as they know we are emigrating and it will be just a waste of their time and energy.

I am also a big believer in facing your problems and dealing with them instead of "running" away to Canada from them - which I think is the softer option to take. What do I do if I let her run off to Canada and there are teachers who she doesnt like in her new school ? Do I allow her to run back to UK ?

Having said all of that she does seem a little better tonight apart from the headache and I have given her a good talking to saying how worried I am and this is going to have to be sorted out.

All these trials and tribulations are sent to try us - no one gives you a manual when the baby pops you out - maybe we could write a book between us and become millionaires

Gaynor
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Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Gaynor - I wasn't for one minute suggesting she run away from her problems. I didn't know exactly what they were; I was thinking maybe much worse, like bullying etc. Sometimes getting away from that kind of thing IS the better, and sometimes only option. I wish my brother had been able to, it ruined his life. Had he been able to get more help and support from our parents, and a change of environment, things would have been much different for him.

Teachers can be just as toxic to a child and can also cause lasting damage. Like most things, it depends on the individual and how well they can cope with it. It may be worth talking to the school about the teachers in question; she has a right to feel comfortable and safe there. If something is bothering her enough to make her react physically I would be quite concerned (had this with mine, too). Then again, sometimes it's as simple as the child not pulling their weight at school and getting worried over grades and work piling up as well as being in trouble with the teach', too (also been there recently :blink: ). It's tough being a parent - anyone want a job? ;)

Good luck with it and let us know how it goes :)

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Hi Gaynor,
I am not sure from your posts how much talking you have done with the school she is in now to get a fuller picture, but that is what I would be doing and have done here as my 13 year old was having problems settling into her school here. You are a parent who cares and it's important to get that across to the school as you try to get to the root of the problem. It's a tough time for parents with teens and pre-teens. Take your time, keep talking and you will make the right decision for her. x

Re: What to do with a 12 year old
 

Lordy, lordy, lordy.................Thought things had improved a bit last night but we are back to square one this morning with her saying she is too poorly to go to school .............again !!!!!

Now drastic measures amd going to go into school this morning to speak to her Pastoral Manager to sort out what problems there are in school - if any !! Also going to take her to the doctors as if she is not physically sick there is something wrong with her state of mind.

Third night this week already where I have not had a full nights sleep - I cant take any more of this !!!!!!

Gaynor