Annie i'm so sorry to hear this, don't blame yourself for whatever happened though. She may have fallen in with this crowd irrespective of you being in Canada or not.

Its just something that has happened that you have to deal with, but I hope by going back to support her she will realise the enormity of what she has done and the lengths you have gone through to put your dreams aside.

I don't have a teenage daughter yet (mine is only three years old but I'm already dreading it!) but I was officially the Teenager from Hell. I think I even got a medal at one point......!! I was a complete b***h to my parents, something I bitterly regret now as they are my best friends, but I was full of hatred towards the world and took it out on them.

I used to say exactly the same thing as your daughter, literally word for word 'I'm leaving home as soon as I'm 16 and you can't stop me' plus all the usual 'I hate you, you're the worst mum/dad in the world' etc etc. My parents thankfully stayed calm the majority of the time which meant I got no reaction (which was what I desperately wanted) and just said things like 'oh will you dear, how nice - wonder how you'll pay for it' when I threatened to leave home yet again. Etc, etc! The best possible thing they could have done.

My only advice, remembering only too well how your daughter is probably feeling and what she may be hoping to achieve by her words, is to basically ignore her. Don't negotiate with her, tell her what you are doing and that essentially she has no choice in the matter because at the end of the day she is still a child, no matter what she thinks. You can just point out that you can't afford to pay for her to stay in the UK and in any event, the law wouldn't allow her to so sorry but that's just the way it is. Very matter of fact. Remind her that she can always return home on her own when she's 18 if she wants to (which I can guarantee by then, there's no chance of!) but make her see that there is no option and that the whole family are not changing plans because of her whims.

Perhaps you could involve her in some decisions to make her feel a part of the process i.e. what car you should buy when you get there etc, but just make it clear that whether you go or not is not a decision she gets to have a say in.

That's only what I would do but I know from experience if my parents had given in to me as a teenager I would have got even worse and felt like I had 'won'. Feel free to ignore any of the above but just my opinion for what it's worth.

Chin up, remember that she'll probably be your best friend in years to come and thank you for taking her to Canada. My mum and I now live 5 mins from each other, speak every day and I wouldn't be without her - but it was such a different story 15 years ago! With age comes wisdom I guess and it will for your daughter too.

Sending you karma just because - us teenage daughters can be horrible can't we?!?

[QUOTE=Almost Canadian;6031667]I must have read this wrong as I've inferred from this that you are happy for her to have left home at 16 and to have supported her in her flat, which I find amazing

I left home at 16 and had no support of either family or friends, but I had a good job to support myself. I would do the same again. When at 16 my daughter chose to stay in the UK, she had the support of family and friends around her and all the financial help she needed. She had no father there to run too. He is missing believed dead in the Tsunami. She enjoyed the time on her own and learnt so much about life and she feels better for it. In her own words "I loved it being on my own and being given a chance to experience things only independence brings" " you have to do it one day, what difference does a few years make" I had bought her up to be very independent. I know my sisters daughters would be unable to do the same, whereas my brothers daughter at 14 is more independent than mine was at that age. All I know is that now she is the happiest I have ever seen her. She is so confident and positive about her life and future, even though we still do not know if her father is alive or not. I am thankful that she is like this, because she could have quite easily have got very depressed about the situation.

It's not just teenagers. Our ten year old has found it very hard to settle and frequently tells us that we have "ruined his life" by bringing him here, because he misses his friends and his grandparents. He says that as soon as he is old enough, he is leaving and moving back to England even if we stay here.

We are just trying to ride it out with him and hoping that time will prove him wrong and make him realise that we haven't intentionally ruined his life. But it is very hard and he puts us through lots of guilt trips (which I am sure is his intention sometimes).

I do worry though, that when we go back to visit in the summer, I will struggle to get him on a plane to come back.

Thanks everyone for the replies and karma!!


It kind of helps knowing other people have had or are having the same sort of trouble we are in.

We are just not going to talk about it as much as it may be a bit unsettling thinking that at any moment you could be off.

I have been asked about what type of mobile phones they have in Canada and do they come in pink! So she must be thinking about it and what will be in it for her.

Hormones of the young

Yes because my phone is pink!!!!

Well thats good!! If its keeps her happy then good its just when we first get there it will only be Mum & Dad to call. So not cool!

I too worry about my kids when we finally get to make the big move. My eldest, a son is 16 this year. My middle daughter will be 13 in July of this year, fortunately it will be easiest with the youngest who is just 3 . Looking at current processing times it is likely we will move in late 2009. At the moment both kids are committed to the move but both are getting pressure from friends already and I worry that by next year things will have changed. Hopefully I am worrying over nothing but we have already told them both they are with us until 18, after that who knows?
Lots of empathy with all previous posters!

Lucky for me I moved from England to join my wife and stepkids. But we did move provinces. They were 13 and 15 then. We all lived with their grandparents in an apartment. They were sad to leave the grandparents behind but they raised no objections.

I won't forget the day we arrived at the new home. My stepson had a look around the house, checked out his (first) room and saw the garden...then came and hugged me.

She can ring me if she wants too but I'm too old to be cool as well

Where did you decide to go to, and when are you likely to get there? You can tell her to call my son if you like .... he was 14 when we came and he loves it here! (Calgary)

Hi thanks for the offer!!

We are hoping to head to Vancouver and would like to think it will be towards the end of this year.

As a update for all. I sat her down last night and told her that her Mum and I still want to move to Canada and that until we get the visas in our hands it will not be 100% certain. Also that we would talk about it less to her (it was all getting too unsettling for her) and in turn have left it open for her to ask us questions when she is ready.

Also look at it as an adventure and to give it a go and when she is 21 and has her citizenship then she can always come back if that what she really wants.

End result one happy daughter who has now agreed to come and give it a go!! Thanks for all the advice and help

Great news. I think you are doing the right thing by trying not to discuss it too much. It can get overwhelming for everyone.
Also I think that the more you try to persuade teenagers the more they rally against you.
Hoping everything works out for the best for all concerned.
God Bless.xx

Fantastic news

When moving with children you have to respect their feelings. Many of them will act out because despite you thinking they are mature for their age in many ways, they are still children and may really fear the unknown. They can feel insecure and very unsettled being separated from their friends and family.

I think there is a huge difference between the maturity of a 16 year old and the maturity of 20 year old. At 16 they think they might be able to cut it in the real world but lets face it they have no experience of independent living. They will have very little earning power for a start. Those who leave home at 16 are often those who are very unhappy and for them it's an escape route. Leaving home to be a student at 16/17/18 is different scenario because they have a support network.

We moved here when our boys were 12 and 16. They knew for around 3 years we were moving and had been to Ontario twice in 4 years. I am sure they were nervous when we moved but both have settled in really well, the older one in particular just loves it here.

Thankfully things went pretty smoothly for us. Throughout the whole process we were never really stressed out. If you are stressed about moving then your kids will pick up on it and feel stressed about it themselves.

I have lots of sympathy for families that are struggling. It must be very stressful for you all. We are all individuals and have different obstacles to overcome. Best thing to do it look at the future in stages instead of forever.

Good luck

On a slightly positive note.

We had breakfast this morning in A&W in Airdrie and the nervous just started a new job young lady said to us 'Where are you from?' We replied 'England, where did you move from' The conversation continued and we asked if she liked it here or would she like to go back. She loves her new life, doesn't want to go back and has lived here for 2 months. She must have been 15/16 years old. Obviuosly I don't know if she was against moving or not, but, she is one teen enjoying the move her parents made her make!