I would like a little help with our moody 14 year old daughter and the fact that we are planning to move to Canada as a family. First a short bit of background!

When we first started talking about Canada following our last trip there in early 2007 we were all keen and my wife and I involved our daughter in the process. She was keen to go and even found houses she liked and started doing her own research and all seemed fine.

I must point out that our daughter is very suborn and thinks that parents are only there to look after her until she is 16 and then she will leave home and get a flat. However as she wants to stay on at school parents will provide flat and money to live on!!

Now today she has decided that there is no way on this earth that she will move to Canada and that we can't make her go. If we do make her go she has said that she will make our lives hell until we return 'home'. This last bit is what has got us down today because as most parents known this is something teenagers are very good at.

My big concern is that there will be a lot to do and learn once we get to Canada and I will be away as well on a course with work before I start. We are concerned that the move we hoped would be for the better will turn in to the biggest mistake we have ever made

Sorry for going on but we are both down at the moment and wondered if this had happened to others and is it just a faze thing?

Thanks again

She will get over it. How many times in her life has she DEFINITELY had to have something or ABSOLUTELY wasn't going to do something. They may have been smaller issues than moving to another continent, but the principle is the same. My 12 year old went through the I'm not going stage about a year ago. We explained/argued/rationalized for a while, then we just chose to ignore it. I know it sounds a bit "head in the sand", but when we stopped talking about it he stopped arguing. As it is getting closer and loads of other people are saying how exciting it is, he is getting enthusiastic too.

She has changed her mind once and she will do again. She should know that when she is old enough she can move back with your blessing if that is what she wants, but the chances are that by then she won't want to.

I really empathize - my oldest (15) did that and then some (threatened to call social services and accuse me of anything she could think of so that she would be taken into care and then we couldn't move!!!!!!!!!)

Unfortunately in the end she decided to move in with her dad and to my mind has missed out on a lot however what my friends said to me was

In 3 or so years time she will be off doing her own thing and won't care what you do anyway - don't let her ruin your life because of her pig headedness.

My advice would be that you move, because she is only basing her assumptions of making your life hell based on what she knows in the UK (ie running off to friends houses, and all that sort of thing.) Get her in school quickly and call her bluff. Unfortunately my daughter had her dad to run to, and he didn't help matters any by encouraging her to "not listen to what your mum says, just do what you want".

Don't react to it, don't bribe her with gifts to soften her up just say

"You won't be making our lives hell honey - just your own"

Be firm and fair and she WILL come round.

Best wishes from someone whos been there

be careful here...
We have two daughters.. now 18 and 19. Prior to our move to Ontario they both decided that they didnt want to come. Much heartache.... initially they didnt come.. stayed in UK with family. Then they were miserable.. first the youngest one arrived followed by the eldest.. Eldest hated it, returned home to UK, than changed her mind, then returned to Canada... then hated it again, then returned to UK AGAIN. All this to-ing and fro-ing was heartbreaking.
Youngest one seemed OK reasonably settled, she went home in Feb for a two week holiday... then refused to get on the plane to come back to Canada. She has now moved in with a bunch of "dodgy" teenagers and last week ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt.
We decided not to let kids rule our lives,and hoped they would settle here, but, the upshot is, I am returning to the UK permanently on Wed and husband will follow after selling up.
Our canadian "dream" is over and to be honest it is a relief...
I now think that it is probably the worst time to move kids, teenagers are not as adaptable as younger children.
I cant be happy if my kids are miserable, I now realise that family is more important and I seriously wouldnt even consider the move unless everyone is 110% behind it. Its just not worth it, and the guilt is excruciating.

Cheers to you both!!

Update she asked me if we were still going after our little 'chat' and said yes and she said oh well it might be fun!!!!:curse:

I think we (me + wife) will carry on planning and not have it in her face everyday. I am sure once there she will stick to us like glue as it will all be new and we won't know that many people!!

Thanks again I am feeling a bit happier now

Annie sorry to hear about your daughters and yours is the very situation that we don't want.

We want to move and stay together as a family. I will bear in mind your warnings and see how things pan out but not talking about it so much.

If at the end of the day I think it could go badly wrong then we may have to delay things a few years or cancel the idea altogether. Neither of us want to live the other side of the world from her (I know my father lives in the USA and we only see each other once a year if we are lucky and I would so like to be closer to him).

Thanks and I hope it all works out in the end for you.

Thanks... im not saying it will be the same for you, hopefully she will love life here in Canada.
Our younger daughter, to be fair, did not "act out" while she was here, For eight months she went to school, worked at a part time job which she did enjoy, but it was obvious, and heartbreaking to see her so unhappy and she spent every penny she had on phonecards to call her friends and family back home.
The length of the immigration process didnt help, when we applied the girls were 13 and 14 and were really keen, but by the time we had visas they were 17 and 18, and it was a different ball game.
Good luck... I am hoping it all works out OK, as we know teenagers are fickle.

Oh, Annie I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you and your family, we've left our kids in the Uk because they didn't want to come to Canada, it's such a hard thing to do.
I wish you and your family a happy future

Rosie

I must have read this wrong as I've inferred from this that you are happy for her to have left home at 16 and to have supported her in her flat, which I find amazing

Apologies if I got this wrong

Sorry you have got it wrong but maybe its the way I tell 'em!!

There is no way we are happy for her to move out at 16 plus we can't afford to anyway. This is her great plan so she does not have to go to Canada.

We want to stick together as a family unit.

My mistake

No problem!!

Thanks Rosie,
Yes it is soo hard to leave them behind, even though the eldest has a flat, job and a place at uni for Sept, I worry about her all the time.
I am frantic about the youngest one..
I miss them both and have realised that I dont want to live so far away from them, whatever thier ages.
Materially speaking, life is better here, but I want to be around for them so its home we go...(even though we dont have a home in UK now )

Hi from the North Shore of Nova Scotia. We will have been here 3 yrs in June and believed a year ago that my now 18 year old daughter would not be coming to Canada for a few more years. She stayed back in the UK close to family and friends from being 16 years old. She believed that being a city girl she would never be able to stand it here on the peaceful coast, although loved Halifax. January last year I went to help her move accommodation, even though I'd said I'd never set foot back in the UK, she needed me. I found her a flat beside a lovely canal and decorated and furnished it. I was leaving her with a nice sporty car and she was taking driving lessons. She was on a Media course she adored and surrounded by all her friends and seeing a boyfriend. I was over for 3 months sorting these things out for her, then within 2 days of me flying back she changed her mind and suddenly announced she was coming back with me and leaving the UK for good. What about the boring and quite place she did not want to come to before??
It is just coming up to a year now that she flew back with me. She settled in straight away and started school, to do her Grade 12. She has many new friends, the nicest boyfriend I've ever seen her with and I can honestly say I have never seen her so happy. When I ask why did she change her mind. She said it was because she could not see a future in the UK and feels that she has so many more opportunities here in Canada. Life is up, positive and fun. Many of her friends from the UK would love to be out here too.
So there is always a chance your daughter will have a change of heart.

Hi Annie,
Sorry to hear about what you are going through with your daughters. I wish you all the best for the future.