For the lovers of the english language.....
 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies - like an arrow. Fruit flies - like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Clever stuff.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

LOL.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Boom boom. :)

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I love stuff like this - great use of the language :thumbup:

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Utter rubbish.

You should be ashamed of yourself.


Cheers.

Novo.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been tolkien in my sleep.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

You resurrected this thread for that?

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I had it booked marked for some unknown reason? I haven't yet mastered this new computer.
I did get a good deal on it though, and they threw in the operating system to boot.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

LOL :thumbsup: Cheered me up today....

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I may be moving to Australia next year as a Network Technician. The LAN down under.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Groan...

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I'll help you out.

http://forums.mg-rover.org/images/smilies/getmecoat.gif

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Have you heard the joke about the airplane? No. Well, it was way over your head anyway.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

May I refer you to my original suggestion. :p

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

A piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"


J :)

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of string?

She had mittens.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Oh Lordy!

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
_____

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

:thumbup:

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Why did Proudhon only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

The cost of a galvanized hull is enough to zinc a ship.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I need to do my philosophy homework but I just Kant.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Woman walks into a pub and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

The astronomer's research project didn't win him the coveted Galaxy Award, but he did receive a constellation prize.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

A philosopher and a sociologist are holidaying at nudist camp. The philosopher turns to his colleague and asks, I assume you've read Marx?'

'Yes', replies the sociologist, 'I think it's these wicker chairs.'

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

From an advert: 'Our mattresses are for the rest of your life'

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

The great chef put in much thyme while learning his craft in Amsterdam - he likes to call them his 'Holland days.'

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?







He'd lie awake all night long, wondering if there really is a dog. :huh:

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

i think Oinks on a mission to get the thread deleted. Can't say I blame him with the groantastic stuff posted so far; I don't know why I keep reading them - it's worse than the "amusing" bit on countdown.

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

Not a joke, but I always thought that this was an exceptionally clever anagram (seeing as this thread is about the English language):

A man, a plan, a canal... Panama!


Has anyone got amy other good ones like that?

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

I think you mean palindrome

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

DOH!! :o

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

OMG :rofl::lol::rofl:

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

There was the chap with a fine view from his Italian hotel bathroom, who commented to his room-mate: "As I pee, Sir, I see Pisa."

Or the Japanese carmaker's advert extolling the combination of performance and protection in their vehicles: A Toyota. Race fast, safe car. A Toyota.

Or the regular in a Cajun diner placing his order: "Yo, Bob! Mug o'gumbo, boy!"

Re: For the lovers of the english language.....
 

What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper t*ts.