In a job interview,
Applicant: One of my main flaws is my frank honesty.
Employer: I don't think that's a flaw.
Applicant: I don't give a shit what you think.

One for the oldies.

One for the really oldies.

What's the cell phone equivalent of that excuse?
Losing a signal doesn't really work because the person on the other end doesn't hear it like they did with the pips.

Does low on charge work?

It's got to have something to do with Adele. She's always banging on about breaking up.

I've been looking for this one for years!!

I thought that was Taylor Swift.

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
A. Because they're very good at it.

Q. Why did the diver fall back first into the water?
A. Because if he'd fallen head first he'd fallen into the boat.

In the divorce court the judge asks the man "Why do you want this divorce?"
"It's because my wife goes out every night to bars, parties, karaoke and strip-clubs and doesn't get home 'till the wee hours!" the man replies.
"So she gallivants and drinks a lot?" the judge asked.
"Oh! No! she just keeps following me....and it's embarrassing!"

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A. Outlaws are Wanted.......