Come then Prof, let's get some of your acerbic wit

A Muslim walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the wrong place?"

Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side

A Russian, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an American, an Irishman, an Israeli, a Syrian, a Malaysian, a Swiss-German, an Australian of Greek ancestry, two technically Portuguese residents of Macao, a Romanian, a Persian, a Mexican, a Jamaican and a Colombian walk into a bar.

"I'm sorry sirs" says the bartender "I can't serve you without a Thai".

About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all his passengers.

What have I started???

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Don't you start J!!

I just thought the cartoon was funny.

You probably won't understand this but, why are quantum physicists lousy lovers?

Because if they find the position they don't have the momentum and if they have the momentum they can't find the position.

Attributed to Heisenberg (no, not that one).

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar, it was tense.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender for his bill and the bartender says, "For you, there's no charge."

So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gas here." Helium doesn't react.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

A man goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms?"
The man replies "Yes, Homers a fat bastard and Marge has got blue hair"

< it's OK, I've just shot myself in remorse>