Now you're getting the hang of it.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

Jacques Cousteau

An old favourite....

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Melody maker

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

She hit me.

Bruised of Bicester

And on the subject of matrimonial bliss.....

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

Claire Reigna

ATTENTION everyone on BE


ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.


YOU'LL BE SAFE.....


I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.


John

Woman goes to France for the first time,

"Frogs legs and chicken breasts" she says to the waiter

Waiter : "I know what you look like but what do you want to order Madame?"

What did the penis say to the comdom
cover me Im going in

men are like snow storms,you never know when they are coming or how many inches you'll get or how long it will last

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Nip n Tuck

if sex is a pain in the butt your doing it wrong

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do
You know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
Latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
Hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of
the
Right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
She burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

And i was trying my hardest to keep them clean. Well!
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
:curse:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."