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Five years and homesickness increasing..

Five years and homesickness increasing..

Old May 26th 2019, 8:13 pm
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Default Five years and homesickness increasing..

Hi all, long time, no see..

I find myself drawn back to this site as my thoughts are increasingly on returning home. On paper, our lives here are good. The kids are doing well, the eldest son is nearly 14 and starts Grade 9 in September. My daughter is doing well in French Immersion, has lots of friends, my youngest (a Canadian) is 4 and starts school in September too. They enjoy all the activities Muskoka has to offer. We have friends, a social life, a lovely but too big house, and a ridiculously hard to maintain but ultimately a child’s heaven back yard blah blah.

However, despite all this I still feel homesick. I miss all the different types of friends I had, my work, the shared history, the kids not having access to immediate family, the sense of home and familiarity. I hate the frigid endless winter and then the black fly/mosquito season. Given that I’m the only one who feels like this, how can I even ask everyone to move back for me for something that might pass or how do I go on when I feel like my life is missing some part of it? I feel like I took my happy life before I moved and made it significantly worse..

I’m feeling trapped right now with no way to make a good decision.

Advice?


Last edited by Tirytory; May 26th 2019 at 8:16 pm.
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Old May 26th 2019, 8:40 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Home sickness is a rough one, especially when it's only you feeling it. I wont lie, been homesick for 15 years, some days are rougher then others. Things that help me is trying to take trips back home when I can to see familiar and comforting things, even watching youtube videos taken back home by people helps me and I often look for San Diego videos.
Have you been able to make many visits back home?

Homesickness is one of those things that affects us all in different ways, some folks never really experience it, some only for a short time, and others the feeling never goes away, just have to try and find the little things that help us through it.
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Old May 27th 2019, 12:15 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory View Post


Advice?

Do not go to the UK at this time of year. It's warm and sunny and, though the spring flowers have gone, everywhere is green and alive.
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Old May 27th 2019, 12:29 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory View Post
Advice?
Hello!

The UK appears to have changed in the last couple of years. Perhaps not the place we left?

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Old May 27th 2019, 3:28 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

I know the UK is most definitely NOT the country we left .............. but then Vancouver is not the same place as the one where we arrived in August 1968.

I went back to my home town 3 years after we left the UK because my father died, I stayed with my brother outside Manchester and went to my old home every day for a week. I got lost in the town centre, believe it or not, because there had been a major re-organisation of roads at a 5 road roundabout. None of my friends were still in the town, all had moved on. The best I could do was visit the mother of my best friend from high school (who had emigrated to Australia).

Since then, there have been fewer and fewer friends to visit for either OH or myself, as they have moved elsewhere in the UK or (most of them) gone overseas. Relations won't make the effort to come to see you, but want you to traipse around to every single one .............. and beware the wrath if you don't spend equal time with each one or leave one out!!

Every visit back to the UK has made me appreciate Canada more and more ............. the dirt and neglect, the people without jobs but quite happy to be on welfare and women having more and more children so they could stay on welfare, the price of coffee etc etc in the UK, astound me every time.

I went back by myself in 1970 and again in 1991, and I saw more of what I disliked about the UK then than I did when with my husband, largely because I had to use public transit rather than being in a rental car (I don't drive). For example, there were 2 private bus lines running a competing service from near where my sis-i-l lived into the nearest town, one charged a little less than the other for the same distance. I was told to take the more expensive bus because "it was cleaner".

I tried both companies .............. the buses run by both companies were filthy inside, shoes stuck to the floor due to the days-old dirt that had not been cleaned, I don't like to think about the seats! That's very rarely the case on buses in Vancouver, or other places in Canada where I have taken transit.


My advice would be to try to arrange a several week visit back to the UK, say 3 or 4 weeks, or maybe longer if you can. See what has changed in the time that you have been away ......... you are to some extent idealising your life back there.
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Old May 27th 2019, 10:17 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by scilly View Post
I know the UK is most definitely NOT the country we left .............. but then Vancouver is not the same place as the one where we arrived in August 1968.

I went back to my home town 3 years after we left the UK because my father died, I stayed with my brother outside Manchester and went to my old home every day for a week. I got lost in the town centre, believe it or not, because there had been a major re-organisation of roads at a 5 road roundabout. None of my friends were still in the town, all had moved on. The best I could do was visit the mother of my best friend from high school (who had emigrated to Australia).

Since then, there have been fewer and fewer friends to visit for either OH or myself, as they have moved elsewhere in the UK or (most of them) gone overseas. Relations won't make the effort to come to see you, but want you to traipse around to every single one .............. and beware the wrath if you don't spend equal time with each one or leave one out!!

Every visit back to the UK has made me appreciate Canada more and more ............. the dirt and neglect, the people without jobs but quite happy to be on welfare and women having more and more children so they could stay on welfare, the price of coffee etc etc in the UK, astound me every time.

I went back by myself in 1970 and again in 1991, and I saw more of what I disliked about the UK then than I did when with my husband, largely because I had to use public transit rather than being in a rental car (I don't drive). For example, there were 2 private bus lines running a competing service from near where my sis-i-l lived into the nearest town, one charged a little less than the other for the same distance. I was told to take the more expensive bus because "it was cleaner".

I tried both companies .............. the buses run by both companies were filthy inside, shoes stuck to the floor due to the days-old dirt that had not been cleaned, I don't like to think about the seats! That's very rarely the case on buses in Vancouver, or other places in Canada where I have taken transit.


My advice would be to try to arrange a several week visit back to the UK, say 3 or 4 weeks, or maybe longer if you can. See what has changed in the time that you have been away ......... you are to some extent idealising your life back there.
Well let's be honest here. Manchester is not the whole UK and it would be the same if someone else would say Canada is just Vancouver and all you can see are overpriced apartments and needles on the street (downtown east side) . I do agree that there are some ugly parts of the UK and the last time I drove back to Ireland through England, I was just glad to get past Birmingham. But even then you can't judge and there are so many different parts. Even coffee is not the same everywhere:-)
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Old May 27th 2019, 10:25 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

How nice to hear from you TT!

l can sympathize/empathize entirely. My family is burgeoning here...my 18 year old is taking the country by storm and my husband is a legend in his own lunchtime...they have no complaints. I have a well paid job, that I enjoy, and more importantly- that I’m actually very good at, and am well regarded by my colleagues, I think, which is always a bit of a plus. I love my home...it’s not a patch on the one we left...but for here it’s nice.

I don’t think I’m actually home sick per se and I don’t think where I came from has been preserved in aspic since my absence - I just don’t like living here, I don’t have a feeling of belonging. I have my Citizenship but I don’t feel part of the people. I’m not ‘very’ unhappy, just lacking an essence of joy, that
I’ve generally been lucky to experience previously.. I think there are quite a lot of people who feel that way.

I fully recognize that lots of my ill feelings are weather and NB related. I despair of the winters, we don’t really have spring and then we go to a clammy overheated summer...autumn can be nice, but it’s short and not guaranteed. There are pockets of population here with little in between. That is all our fault...NB didn’t force me to come here. We are planning on moving to Vancouver Island in 4 years which had perked me up no end. It’s more difficult for you as your children are little. Would a change of house make you feel better do you think?

It might just be a sad feeling that will pass after a bit, and just needs to be endured for a while.

Very best of luck it’s not nice feeling this way I really would stress that I don’t for a moment think you are a club of one, which I can only hope you can take some comfort in.

Hugs

Last edited by MillieF; May 27th 2019 at 10:27 am. Reason: typo
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Old May 27th 2019, 2:27 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

I think a lot of us relate to how you are feeling.
I live in a beautiful part of Vancouver Island, we both have good jobs. Eldest is in uni here, middle one at uni in Toronto and youngest about to go into Grade 12.
For me, I feel I am always the outsider, the one that pronounces things differently at work (I am a nurse). I miss the NHS, but also love my job here.
I have found going back to the UK once a year helps, sometimes it is just me that goes, and at other times husband and youngest come.
This year we are heading to France and Italy and then back to the UK.
I found when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago I definitely felt a long way from 'home', and now as my Mum ages I feel the same.
Who knows what will happen, we may retire there........Although I have a worry that if we do, that I will feel just like this. A fish out of water,

Could you take a trip home? Or could you look at a move within Canada?
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Old May 27th 2019, 3:34 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

We have been in canada for 17 years- I think its the lack of history from growing up here that makes you feel you "don't belong". I know whenever we go back its nice to see the friends and we catch up. My hubby and i were saying that we feel like we are in the middle of the "pond" not really British but not really canadian either. I think its good to go back and get your "fix" of the UK (for me its greggs sausage rolls LOL and M& S prawn and mayo sarnies)- we too hate the fact that winters are long, and then when you have summer its too bloody hot or mosquito driven to enjoy. Its a compromise and I see us at some point perhaps moving back......you would have to way up in older age, the healthcare system here versus UK, the crime...here versus UK is how we are viewing it. We have a nice house, i have a good job- probably 2 years away from retirement. I have my father 87 in UK so its tough- I hear you completely. Just feel free to reach out and we are all here for you.
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Old May 27th 2019, 7:32 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory View Post
Hi all, long time, no see..

I find myself drawn back to this site as my thoughts are increasingly on returning home. On paper, our lives here are good. The kids are doing well, the eldest son is nearly 14 and starts Grade 9 in September. My daughter is doing well in French Immersion, has lots of friends, my youngest (a Canadian) is 4 and starts school in September too. They enjoy all the activities Muskoka has to offer. We have friends, a social life, a lovely but too big house, and a ridiculously hard to maintain but ultimately a child’s heaven back yard blah blah.

However, despite all this I still feel homesick. I miss all the different types of friends I had, my work, the shared history, the kids not having access to immediate family, the sense of home and familiarity. I hate the frigid endless winter and then the black fly/mosquito season. Given that I’m the only one who feels like this, how can I even ask everyone to move back for me for something that might pass or how do I go on when I feel like my life is missing some part of it? I feel like I took my happy life before I moved and made it significantly worse..

I’m feeling trapped right now with no way to make a good decision.

Advice?


Welcome back!

My worst home sickness was Year 5. In fact I felt great the first 4 years.

Everyone back in Blighty kept telling me I'd be mad to go back and I drew immense strength from that. It would be a lot of effort to re-establish myself which also pushes me to just continue to tread down this path. The journey to build a life here I guess I see as an investment and because I pushed through some barriers early on I'm scared to start again. I think my biggest failing has been my lack of goal setting and I somehow think this might change if I move home but that is more down to me as an individual than my surroundings and I have to remind myself of that.

The weather here has never bothered me too much but a part of me has always felt my career has suffered because I didn't high school or university here. The long established networks certainly drive synergies in the job market.

The other issue with moving back is I know it would cause regrets the other way. It is hard though as the parents are older and the nieces and nephews are growing up so quick.

All that being said my only advice is to talk to people back in Blighty- they'll likely tell you you are mad if you want to return and this will give you some encouragement and remind you it isn't all a bed of roses or greener grass on the other side. I find when I speak to people back home they never seem to have that much going on and are just treading through the cliche of life. When I look at their lives and lifestyles I do feel much happier with my lot and decisions.

Last edited by JamesM; May 27th 2019 at 7:35 pm.
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Old May 27th 2019, 8:16 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Moses2013 View Post
Well let's be honest here. Manchester is not the whole UK and it would be the same if someone else would say Canada is just Vancouver and all you can see are overpriced apartments and needles on the street (downtown east side) . I do agree that there are some ugly parts of the UK and the last time I drove back to Ireland through England, I was just glad to get past Birmingham. But even then you can't judge and there are so many different parts. Even coffee is not the same everywhere:-)

Of course, I agree with you entirely!!

However, I was talking about MY personal experience of "going back home", going back to where I grew up, where I had friends and relations. It was amazing to discover how many of them had left the "mucky North" for lands overseas.

I also know there are lovely areas of England, Scotland and Wales, because we have visited most of them. I have very fond memories of parts of Yorkshire, Cumbria, Devon, Cornwall, the Borders, Wales, etc, and would quite happily visit them again .............. but they are not areas where we have friends and certainly no relations.

That means going back to live in one of those lovely areas would mean repeating the move we made to come over here ............. no friends, no relations to sustain us then, and there would be no friends or relations now.

Is that what anyone wants to repeat????????????????

It is strange, but if I wanted to move from Canada to be with friends and relations, I would have to go to Australia . The same, strangely enough, also applies to the OH.

I had a relation in Australia who spent almost 40 years regretting the move, even though her husband had a much better job, they had a better house, their children had married and had children, and her siblings who had also emigrate were thoroughly settled.

After about 30 years, her OH got a long service leave, and they went back to the UK for 3 months ................. she hated it, because it was not the UK that she had left, nothing was the same. She settled better when back in Australia .............. but insisted that her husband take her ashes back to spread on the Moors that she loved.

Last edited by scilly; May 27th 2019 at 8:20 pm.
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Old May 27th 2019, 9:49 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Tirytory

Sorry to hear you are feeling home sick, although I think it comes and goes with most of us at some points.

With us I think my wife felt it more, being away from her family. Little things would set her off, like something from the UK on the TV. She didn't want to say anything but it was obvious, until her mother visited last year, now she is happy to be here. We have been back three times now and each time cannot wait to get back to Canada, it is as if we do not really belong in either country now. UK has changed but then I think so have we.

What helped us was finding British food, real English breakfast, cornish pastes, sausage rolls, walkers crisps, real UK fish & chips etc. My wife missed M&S food so we found a place that imported their biscuits etc. We pay an arm, a leg and a small part of spleen but it seems to be worth it. Just gives us a little reminder of home as we saw it.

Good luck
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Old May 27th 2019, 10:12 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

In a similar vein....

Been here in Newfoundland for 15 years. Happy enough - decent jobs, nice house, kids (born here) are happy, life is to all intents and purposes, good. I don't have the same sense of belonging as my wife - which is natural since she was born here! :-) and while I have friends and acquaintances here they are not the friends I left behind. But here's the thing, the friends and the life I've left behind have changed as well. So going any expectation that going back now would be reinserting into my old life is obviously wrong! Granted you are only 5 years out so things may be different.

There is no easy answer but I would suggest talking it through with your family rather than letting anything fester. Practically, pragmatically you might not be able to do much the fundamental issue - if the rest of the family is established, you likely have to learn to live with it. Perhaps some travel back home - alone if easier/cheaper - might be a good idea? Reconnect with family and friends, see what if what you think you miss is true, or that after a week in Blighty you are actually eager to get back to Muskoka?!

I do get the family bit though. As my parents are now too old (in their minds at least) to travel here, I'm conscious that my kids are not as connected to their grand parents as I'd like them to be. The inevitable consequence is that every few years we head back to UK on vacation (3 weeks this summer) to reconnect. Even that comes with a problem - we'd like to spend time exploring elsewhere in Canada as well, plus of course its expensive. (Mind you getting off this Rock to anywhere is bloody expensive!).

I'm fortunate inasmuch as I've ended up by chance working for the Canadian subsidiary of a UK company. Most of my day to day dealings are with people in London & last year I made 8 trips over on business. So I get my fill of beer/chocolate/family :-) Last year was too much travel. This year is going to be half that I think and I'm happy about that. The delights of being by yourself in a hotel in London while the other half and kids are at home pale pretty quickly!
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Old May 27th 2019, 10:49 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by shelley748 View Post
We have been in canada for 17 years- I think its the lack of history from growing up here that makes you feel you "don't belong".
Interestingly I always felt the opposite, I felt no personal connection to the UK's history when I lived there, and I feel like I belong more in Canada as it is a younger country I can contribute more to actually shaping it instead of everything already having been done.

Originally Posted by Tirytory View Post
I hate the frigid endless winter and then the black fly/mosquito season.
Come to BC
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Old May 27th 2019, 10:53 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory View Post


Advice?
Substitute the word grief for homesickness and this should help. I find that the two can be quite closely linked.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

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