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-   -   In Denial? (https://britishexpats.com/forum/canada-56/denial-685308/)

helcat12 Sep 14th 2010 1:01 pm

In Denial?
 
We are experiencing a weird state of affairs with family and friends which I had not forseen. Despite talking (probably at quite boring length and frequency) about our wish to immigrate to Canada and our ongoing plans, including OH actually going on a job-hunting trip in June, quite a few of our loved ones seem to have totally ignored it or failed to take it in.
This meant that in the last fortnight before my OH left for Canada to start work, he was quite upset by these situations that arose;
1) people suddenly getting upset at the last minute, (e.g. his Mum) claiming they didn't realise he was actually going to do it.:blink:
2) people telephoning ( his brother )saying they had been too busy to contact him before but when was he free in August as they would like to see him? (which was when he was already in Canada!)
3) travelling a long way to see people (other brother and family) and then them behaving like he wasn't going anywhere at all and not even mentioning it the whole time we were there, not even to wish him good luck in his new job.
4) Other siblings not even bothering to get in touch or acknowledging that he was going (one of whom has been talking about emigrating to Australia for years but has never done it).
I am confused by all this - OK, it was a short time scale from job offer to leaving, but we told everyone when he was going and we made the effort to visit people, even though we were MAD BUSY trying to sort things out before he left.
It seems mostly OHs family that are like this. Are they in denial? I wouldn't like to think they just don't care.
Anyone else had similar experience?

fledermaus Sep 14th 2010 1:09 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by helcat12 (Post 8847227)
We are experiencing a weird state of affairs with family and friends which I had not forseen. Despite talking (probably at quite boring length and frequency) about our wish to immigrate to Canada and our ongoing plans, including OH actually going on a job-hunting trip in June, quite a few of our loved ones seem to have totally ignored it or failed to take it in.
This meant that in the last fortnight before my OH left for Canada to start work, he was quite upset by these situations that arose;
1) people suddenly getting upset at the last minute, (e.g. his Mum) claiming they didn't realise he was actually going to do it.:blink:
2) people telephoning ( his brother )saying they had been too busy to contact him before but when was he free in August as they would like to see him? (which was when he was already in Canada!)
3) travelling a long way to see people (other brother and family) and then them behaving like he wasn't going anywhere at all and not even mentioning it the whole time we were there, not even to wish him good luck in his new job.
4) Other siblings not even bothering to get in touch or acknowledging that he was going (one of whom has been talking about emigrating to Australia for years but has never done it).
I am confused by all this - OK, it was a short time scale from job offer to leaving, but we told everyone when he was going and we made the effort to visit people, even though we were MAD BUSY trying to sort things out before he left.
It seems mostly OHs family that are like this. Are they in denial? I wouldn't like to think they just don't care.
Anyone else had similar experience?

Yep, sounds familiar.

spaceace Sep 14th 2010 1:11 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Yup, we had all of my partners family interested in the whole thing, where they constantly brought up the subject.

My family however, were in total denial for 2 years and never uttered a work about the subject until I went to start my job in CA (I went back to the UK shortly after for 3 weeks to sort stuff out)

After packing the container and leaving for good, my lot were very emotional and my dad said "it's different for you, it's an exciting adventure, you're starting a new life, but we are sad because we are loosing you"

el_richo Sep 14th 2010 1:25 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by helcat12 (Post 8847227)
We are experiencing a weird state of affairs with family and friends which I had not forseen. Despite talking (probably at quite boring length and frequency) about our wish to immigrate to Canada and our ongoing plans, including OH actually going on a job-hunting trip in June, quite a few of our loved ones seem to have totally ignored it or failed to take it in.
This meant that in the last fortnight before my OH left for Canada to start work, he was quite upset by these situations that arose;
1) people suddenly getting upset at the last minute, (e.g. his Mum) claiming they didn't realise he was actually going to do it.:blink:
2) people telephoning ( his brother )saying they had been too busy to contact him before but when was he free in August as they would like to see him? (which was when he was already in Canada!)
3) travelling a long way to see people (other brother and family) and then them behaving like he wasn't going anywhere at all and not even mentioning it the whole time we were there, not even to wish him good luck in his new job.
4) Other siblings not even bothering to get in touch or acknowledging that he was going (one of whom has been talking about emigrating to Australia for years but has never done it).
I am confused by all this - OK, it was a short time scale from job offer to leaving, but we told everyone when he was going and we made the effort to visit people, even though we were MAD BUSY trying to sort things out before he left.
It seems mostly OHs family that are like this. Are they in denial? I wouldn't like to think they just don't care.
Anyone else had similar experience?

It's the Kubler-Ross model of grief by the sounds of it :).

You have to look on it as peoples way of dealing with loss. Yes you're only a plane ride away but in reality, the distance is psychologically huge and, to some people, insurmountable.

Some people may even be jealous of your opportunity, but i would assume parents and close family/friends are subconsciously grieving for their loss, which is understandable.

spaceace Sep 14th 2010 1:30 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by el_richo (Post 8847267)
Some people may even be jealous of your opportunity

Totally agree with that, some even admit it too

dbd33 Sep 14th 2010 1:33 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Yesterday I spoke to my daughter, a cradle, who had just returned from a job interview in London. She seems set to emigrate early next year and was quite excited.

"What does your mother think of all this?" I asked, as an afterthought.

"It's hard to tell with her. She seems to be ignoring it"

So, denial in the colonies, same here as there.

Oh, and I'm openly jealous.

fledermaus Sep 14th 2010 1:34 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by spaceace (Post 8847246)
Yup, we had all of my partners family interested in the whole thing, where they constantly brought up the subject.

My family however, were in total denial for 2 years and never uttered a work about the subject until I went to start my job in CA (I went back to the UK shortly after for 3 weeks to sort stuff out)

After packing the container and leaving for good, my lot were very emotional and my dad said "it's different for you, it's an exciting adventure, you're starting a new life, but we are sad because we are loosing you"

That sums it up doesn't it. Good for him for saying it

spaceace Sep 14th 2010 1:47 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
yes, and actually thinking about it, I didn't get that until he said it

having skype helps a LOT, and my mum visited within 6 months which has also helped 'frame' where we are living in her own mind.

Its all good :D

John_B Sep 14th 2010 1:54 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by spaceace (Post 8847246)
After packing the container and leaving for good, my lot were very emotional and my dad said "it's different for you, it's an exciting adventure, you're starting a new life, but we are sad because we are loosing you"

When I left my family and friends displayed the full range of emotions, from denial to sadness and even a degree of anger. For myself I still have a lot of guilt and sadness about leaving.

Your line above brought it all flooding back to me. My Dad said almost the exact same thing.

G77 Sep 14th 2010 2:50 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Sounds very familiar indeed....

Souvy Sep 14th 2010 3:53 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Let's think.

Mother: Are you doing ths because I'm a bad mother? (she said the same when I got divorced).

Dad: Go for it.

Oldest brother: Go for it.

Middle brother: Expect regular visits from me.

Barman in local pub: See you next weekend.

Me: 'No, you won't. I'm emigrating in the morning'.

helcat12 Sep 14th 2010 4:22 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Blimey - I didn't realise this would ring true with so many people.
OH's parents, when he basically said, "Well I told you we were planning it and you knew I had gone over and got a job!" replied,
"But **** (other brother) has been talking about it for years and has never done anything about it!"
My OH was quite amazed, as he just doesn't bull***t about anything and he couldn't understand why they would lump him in with his brother's attitude (who complains a lot but never does anything.)
When we made a day to go to see other brother and family, we got there and they literally talked about anything rather than OHs upcoming departure. It got to the point for me where it just seemed so bizarre and obvious that they were avoiding the subject that I just wanted to shout at them! OH was upset and more than a bit confused by their attitude. He wanted to share his excitement with them and also just say goodbye properly.
Maybe they didn't realise that with PR app going through, we need to save as much money as we can and save holidays for when (hopefully) we get approval and then he can use his holidays to come back and help me with the move and we can land together. There is no chance of him 'popping back' to socialise!
Maybe it is upset, I don't know. I don't believe his parents have contacted their son since he has been away, despite me sending them his Skype contact and e-mail address and him telephoning them when he got there.
Actually, friends have been both more enthusiastic and more on the ball with the fast pace things moved after the job offer. Lots of them made time to see us before OH left if they could, or they called and sent cards. Without them, it would have been a quite depressing last few days here for OH, I think.

Howefamily Sep 14th 2010 6:29 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
One of my very best friends has completely dropped me since we got serious about our emigration plans. Originally she was very keen and even said, and I quote, whilst online chat when we were on our recce " oh you can bore me with it all when you get back, you will need the support"
But actually since we got home in June, I have seen her once, she blows me out constantly, without explanation or apology. We used to see each other every week.
I have asked her about it and she says that yes she is pulling away and I find it sad as we are still here and are likely to be for another 6 months. But still, she has no interest in our friendship anymore.

helcat12 Sep 14th 2010 7:06 pm

Re: In Denial?
 

Originally Posted by Howefamily (Post 8847934)
One of my very best friends has completely dropped me since we got serious about our emigration plans. Originally she was very keen and even said, and I quote, whilst online chat when we were on our recce " oh you can bore me with it all when you get back, you will need the support"
But actually since we got home in June, I have seen her once, she blows me out constantly, without explanation or apology. We used to see each other every week.
I have asked her about it and she says that yes she is pulling away and I find it sad as we are still here and are likely to be for another 6 months. But still, she has no interest in our friendship anymore.

How sad! Did she expect you not to like it, perhaps and give it up? This thing shows up stuff about people, doesn't it?
Of course, we have encountered lots of people who say, "Well, we thought about it but ..........." insert excuse, as if thinking about it is just as good as actually doing it.
Also, the people who want to see you fail - I met an ex-colleague a few days ago who I had not seen for 6 months and the first thing she said, as a statement , not a question, was, "Oh, so you didn't go to Canada, then!" As soon as I replied that on the contrary, OH had just gone to start work and I expected to follow, she just walked off.
I never expected the OH's family reaction, though.
My Mum is quite well adjusted; she says she will miss us and has had a few tears already, but she says it is important for us to do it while the opportunity is there.

G77 Sep 14th 2010 7:09 pm

Re: In Denial?
 
Emigration is the best way to find out who your true friends are back home - you will find that there are those that make an effort to keep in touch, those that you have to make an effort to keep in touch with and those who don't want anything to do with you anymore.... The latter I would say weren't true friends to begin with!


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