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Why are some kids so cruel

Why are some kids so cruel

Old Feb 10th 2007, 5:23 am
  #16  
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by harveyhare View Post
My lovely daughter is being singled out at school by some girls who she was friends with last year, they have all been over to ours in the past, had sleepovers and generally all got on, but not this year, they have decided to ignore her, today they wrote horrible messages in their school books about her and she got to see the messages, they then call away her other friend so she ends up alone.

One girl in the group seems to have the attitude that you must have a body piercing and boobs to be liked and as Hannah has neither she can't be popular.
She was hoping this girl was moving from School but that's not happening now

Iam sure it will all blow over, Hannah gets on with her work and is generally popular but this is starting to upset her.

How far do you let it go before you get mad and say something.

Di

In all our years as parents... 23 years now we've been on that job... I'd say that the 14 YO girl stage was the most trying for both of our oldest daughters (now 23 and 21). I dont envy you one bit. My 2nd daughter is pretty tough, very attractive, and really could stand up for her self. However she was the one that suffered the most from this peer group ostracistion, probably because she was one of the few, that would stand up to the other peer leaders. To be truthful we put up with her being ostracised for the best part of a year, before moving her to another school at her insistence. When she got to the other school, I thought that the problem would follow her, however she turned out to be very popular and managed to create her own peer group, free of past predjudices. It's a tough call as to know when to intervene. Personally I'm of the opinion that it makes matters worse, although I could be wrong.

Our oldest Daughter, when this 14 yo peer stuff was happening, just stuck to one best freind, and got through fairly unscathed.

We've currently got a 12 yo, Daughter, who has just started high school, and none of this stuff has arisen yet, I'm sure it will though. AFAIK, its far far worse with girls than boys.

So to sum up, all I can offer is ride out the storm, but be prepared to move her if the situation becomes unbearable. Sad I know but maybe necessary. Its probably the hardest stage of our lives as parents, and I do not say that lightly.
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Old Feb 10th 2007, 8:47 am
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Early teenage girls are cows - end of. My daughter got some rough treatment from a couple of girls in her second term here, after never having any problems before either here or in the UK. She told me the same day and I suggested the girl was trying it on to see whether my daughter was worthy of her company She said if that was how this girl made friends she didn't particularly want to know her.

I said that if the same thing happened the next day to just face her and ask exactly what the problem was and why she was behaving like a cow when first born had done nothing wrong or different. When she came home that day she said she had confronted the girl who immediately backed off, apologised and said that someone had told her that first born had said something bad about her. My daughter apparently gave her a look and said well next time I suggest you check your facts first before being a cow No trouble with anyone since.
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Old Feb 10th 2007, 10:38 am
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

You probably know all of this anyhow but FWIW,

1. The most important thing is build your daughter's confidence up constantly. Keep telling her how great she is give her lots of hugs and spend as much time with her as you can.

2. Tell her that there will always be at least one nasty person (and it carries on when she gets to adulthood).

3. Explain that it is a failing and a weakness of the nasty kid - maybe she's got a difficult home life etc etc (but don't excuse the behaviour - just explain it). And that it is not your daughter's fault.

4. Write a letter to the school emphasising that the nastiness is affecting her learning. This does two things: it focuses on her learning and puts pressure on the school to act (then they can't say it's just a social squabble) and two, it provides a written record. Say that you will monitor it over the next five days and then you would like to come in and discuss it. The thought of a parent coming in is enough to get school's to act or at least monitor it themselves.

Good luck with it. My daughter went through a less traumatic version early last year and my number one priority was keeping her self-esteem up.

The other slightly underhand trick I pulled was that I'd go to the school, stand outside and when the girl in question appeared at the end of the day, I'd give her the hardest stare you could ever imagine. I made it quite clear that she was a despicable kid.
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Old Feb 10th 2007, 10:48 am
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by aston man View Post
what an upsetting thread,i have a daughter and i know the ups and downs of certain friendships that she has.
sometimes it gets me so angry but i cannot fight all her battles.i would step in though if it was becoming obvious she was unhappy..

if these girl have stopped over at your house you must know the parents,is it not worth having a quite word with the parents.
if someone came up to me and told me my daughter was making someone unhappy my daughter would be soon sorted out.

hope you get things sorted.

aston..
Unfortunately not all people view things in this way. My son 10 was having probs with a few lads for a long while we just told him to avoid the lads and to ignore them, this was easier as he had his own friends with whom he could play. Also had a word with parents and when I spotted the boys hitting him told them to leave him alone.

This made things worse as they then started calling him a mummy's boy who needed his mum to look after him.

It all came to ahead last summer though when my son's friends started siding with the other boys against him. They were playing football at the pitch and I went to check it was alright to find 2 boys (one being his friend) kicking and punching him whilst he was on the ground.

I calmly told them to leave him alone and told Ethan to stand up for himself more. I then went home.

I was raging. Belief it or not the next day I ended up in a huge row with the father of Ethans best friend because I had asked his son not to hit Ethan. He then told me it was my fault Ethan got bullied as I should just let them get on with it.... Well I think he knows now not to approach me as I am not a pussyfooted woman.

His wife who was once a good friend and I don't really speak anymore.

Belief it or not my son and the boys are now friends. Whilst the adults are pretty much sworn enemies

Good Luck in working it out for your daughter having this happens makes you feel so bloody helpless and there is no answer to guide us through it.

Best Wishes

A xx
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Old Feb 10th 2007, 11:26 am
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

i am sorry that this question is slightly off such an important thread..

i notice that in two cases the problems started after so called friends were brought back home.

would it be a case that aussie kids are jealous of pommie kids?and what there parents own...



ast..

Last edited by aston man; Feb 10th 2007 at 12:00 pm.
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Old Feb 10th 2007, 11:23 pm
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by aston man View Post
i am sorry that this question is slightly off such an important thread..

i notice that in two cases the problems started after so called friends were brought back home.

would it be a case that aussie kids are jealous of pommie kids?and what there parents own...



ast..
2 of the girls are Poms and been here around a year. The other friend is an Ozzie and luckily wont side with anyone.

Di
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 10:04 am
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Just make sure you tell your daughter to not be afraid to talk to you about what is happening. I was bullied at school and the worst thing i did was keep it to myself. The best thing i did was tell people because it made me feel stronger knowing i was not on my own.
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 12:17 pm
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Are kids really that bad these days? When I was young, there was bullying in school as well but we always sorted out problems ourselves. No one was ever truely alone facing bullies. If we didn't get along with someone, we would find someone else to be friends with. Very very rarely would a teacher be dragged into anything unless the kids were obviously getting physically hurt. Parents were almost never involved, apart from kids going home to tell them what happened, but us kids were usually just told to ignore or stand up to the bullies and get on with it.

Some of these bully threads are getting me worried.

Mrs JTL
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 1:18 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by NKSK version 2 View Post
You probably know all of this anyhow but FWIW,

1. The most important thing is build your daughter's confidence up constantly. Keep telling her how great she is give her lots of hugs and spend as much time with her as you can.

2. Tell her that there will always be at least one nasty person (and it carries on when she gets to adulthood).

3. Explain that it is a failing and a weakness of the nasty kid - maybe she's got a difficult home life etc etc (but don't excuse the behaviour - just explain it). And that it is not your daughter's fault.

4. Write a letter to the school emphasising that the nastiness is affecting her learning. This does two things: it focuses on her learning and puts pressure on the school to act (then they can't say it's just a social squabble) and two, it provides a written record. Say that you will monitor it over the next five days and then you would like to come in and discuss it. The thought of a parent coming in is enough to get school's to act or at least monitor it themselves.

Good luck with it. My daughter went through a less traumatic version early last year and my number one priority was keeping her self-esteem up.

The other slightly underhand trick I pulled was that I'd go to the school, stand outside and when the girl in question appeared at the end of the day, I'd give her the hardest stare you could ever imagine. I made it quite clear that she was a despicable kid.
My daughter suffered really bad bullying which she kept quiet. Eventually it came to light but only after weeks of coaxing her to tell us what was going on it destroyed her confidence so much, each day to get her to school was a battle. Having to drag her in to school and taken off you was horrid but the school have been brilliant at helping her through this and although she is getting better there are still hard times.

It is so important to keep thier self esteem up and confidence.
As for the OP daughters bullies she doesnt need them she is worth so much more than them.

I wish her the very best of luck in finding a new set of friends who so deserve her friendship.


Sarah
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 4:16 pm
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

I echo what has already been said about being there for your daughter. The fact that she can confide in you is half the battle won. I never told my Mum about the bullying I experienced.
It's awful to feel so powerless isn't it?
My 6 year old had an argument with her best friend a few weeks ago and I felt really bad for her. They made up the following day thankfully. I'm dreading the teenage years though. Teen girls can be vicious.
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 6:49 pm
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by harveyhare View Post
My lovely daughter is being singled out at school by some girls who she was friends with last year, they have all been over to ours in the past, had sleepovers and generally all got on, but not this year, they have decided to ignore her, today they wrote horrible messages in their school books about her and she got to see the messages, they then call away her other friend so she ends up alone.

One girl in the group seems to have the attitude that you must have a body piercing and boobs to be liked and as Hannah has neither she can't be popular.
She was hoping this girl was moving from School but that's not happening now

Iam sure it will all blow over, Hannah gets on with her work and is generally popular but this is starting to upset her.

How far do you let it go before you get mad and say something.

Di
I remember a few bitchy girls at my high school - I was not part of it and used to laugh at some of the girls when this kind of stuff was going on - I remember being told one day in Year 10 I was going to get bashed up after school by this nasty piece of work (apparently she liked my boyfriend at the time) I just laughed and said "whatever." I did not get upset and give her any any undue attention, just got on with my day. Often these girls are very insecure and get jealous of others easily. Your daughter needs to take all this with a pinch of salt, these other girls are showing their true colours and it does get noticed. Tell her to make friends with some other girls who might not be the "popular" girls but have a bit of depth of character. I am a teacher and these kids DO exist.

At my 10 year reunion this nasty girl who was a complete bitch at school did not turn up. I later found out it was because she was so embarassed over her behaviour. What a waste of time and energy.

Your daughter needs to stay true to herself, be kind to others and she will definitely be the winner in the end.
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 7:04 pm
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Originally Posted by denver View Post
I remember a few bitchy girls at my high school - I was not part of it and used to laugh at some of the girls when this kind of stuff was going on - I remember being told one day in Year 10 I was going to get bashed up after school by this nasty piece of work (apparently she liked my boyfriend at the time) I just laughed and said "whatever." I did not get upset and give her any any undue attention, just got on with my day. Often these girls are very insecure and get jealous of others easily. Your daughter needs to take all this with a pinch of salt, these other girls are showing their true colours and it does get noticed. Tell her to make friends with some other girls who might not be the "popular" girls but have a bit of depth of character. I am a teacher and these kids DO exist.

At my 10 year reunion this nasty girl who was a complete bitch at school did not turn up. I later found out it was because she was so embarassed over her behaviour. What a waste of time and energy.

Your daughter needs to stay true to herself, be kind to others and she will definitely be the winner in the end.
what ever happens in life,we all encounter different obstacles which we have to get over.we all look back on them as experience,we use this experience to make our lives better.
i am sure the girl at the heart of this thread will draw on her bad experience and gain positives from it..like other people in this thread have..

i only reiterate what i said yesterday,if it is getting to the point where your daughter is becoming unhappy ,things must be done.perhaps it might be best first sitting your daughter down and getting to the bottom of it all with her.

ast

ast
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Old Feb 11th 2007, 9:07 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Why are some kids so cruel

Hannah sounds like a smart cookie, good for her for rising above it.
If you know the parents and think they might respond supportively then I would definitely try talking to them about it. You could take the concerned perspective "I've noticed x seems very quiet this week, is everything ok as Hannah is worried about her" etc - then if you have specific gripes raise them too. You could try being very direct, if the softly approach doesn't work - "We are very happy for our daughter to be friends with yours but not with this kind of behaviour - do you know what your daughter has been up to?" They probably have no idea.
Mention it to teachers as they may not have noticed anything - there is a limit as to what they can do but it's worth making them aware of it.
Hopefully with time Hannah will find some true friends who will not treat her like these other so-called friends are doing. It is tough (I've been on the receiving end of it myself) but with supportive family and a positive attitude she'll be alright.
Good luck dealing with it.
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