West Vic

So your daughter has told you in no uncertain terms that she does not want to relocate to the other side of the world. She is only 16 and does not have the means to support herself and so is really dependent upon you and has to do what you say. And you say you are moving to the other side of the world, away from her school and all she knows. Away from any plans she might have had for her own future.

What exactly do you think is so fantastic about Australia that you are dragging your very reluctant child over here?? I simply cannot understand how you are ignorning her wishes and yet are angry with her for acting up. Why can't you respect her wishes and stay in the UK? Why can't you understand that once you have children you don't 'own' them, you can't, and shouldn't, force this upon her. She's not a pet, she's a human being.

I would never do what you're doing if my daughter was so against it. I just could not uproot her like that. Fair enough, her behaviour is dangerous and should be curbed, pronto. But she is obviously terrified of what lies ahead and you're not listening, thus she is acting out.

I'm 33 by the way, in case you all think i'm some "stroppy" teenager.

pompeyblonde

She definately has a point there!....

paulry

Some interesting points raised:

Why everything you thought you knew about being a good parent is WRONG

A great photo early in the article. The baby looks like he's gonna become a little horror.

CEM

I've seen something like this before. Don't you think that most of us fall somewhere in the middle? Be there as a support whilst they learn to stand on their own two feet?
Agree about the baby......!

Englishman in Eugene

West Vic has a point - why are you moving, and why NOW? Could it wait a couple of years so your daughter is independent and can stay behind?

Has she been fully involved in and supportive of the move plan up till now?

JackTheLad

You see, I've heard this alot recently. Parents want to be their kids "friends". Well, no. I'm not their friend, I'm their Dad.

I was always wary of my Dad, he took no nonsense from me. And I have a great relationship with him now. But he is still my Dad, not my friend. He wouldn't be first choice invite for a piss up night out. Nor would he want to be.

Parents these days can't seem to differentiate between being loving and caring to their kids, and being their 'friend'.

So we'll just have to agree to disagree. You are pleased your kids aren't even slightly scared of you, and they show you no respect. I'm pleased mine are, and they do.

JTL

ozzieeagle

If you can control them that easily, then others in the future will/may be able to as well.


Father of 3 Girls 2 adult one Teenage.

Advice to OP..... You may have to buy an open dated return ticket to get her here. Sorry but thats the best I can do.

After rearing kids for almost 27 years.... I'd say I wouldnt move whilst I had teenagers unfortunately.

It would be nice to hear from success stories on here of people with kids from 12 through to 17 for the OPs benefit.

Once they turn 18 you can talk reason again.... 17 probably. 14/15 is about the worst.

JackTheLad

Great article, and funnily enough, it raises some of the points I said too! (your kids are NOT your friends)

I have no time for this progressive parenting nonsense. Might actually buy the book now, and show it to Mrs JTL.

JTL

ozzieeagle

Kids definitely should not be your freinds, you are there parent. However there are balances to this.

The number of teenagers I've seen come through our household that are seemingly compliant and get up to all sorts of things that their parents dont know about is honestly staggering. It can be a real dilema of trust for us at times.

It's already started with our youngest boy just about to turn 12. One of his mates is right into fireworks and was selling them to the other kids and letting them off around the school. Ours came home told us about it.... now what would you do ?? Stuff your kids peer group up ? Boys dont like dobbers... no matter how much personality they have.

We actually told the school and the parents, but begged them not to let them know the information had came from us... If someone had had an accident it would have been to much to bear.. Thats just one of the dozens of issues we've had to deal with over the years.

Seems like a lot of girls like to pinch makeup from shops is another.

I'll repeat though the worst are the seeimingly compliant ones you dont know about.

At least it seems that the OP knows what her girl is doing, and hopefully where she is....which is a major plus.

CEM

Where did I say that my kids have no respect for me??!! I'm absolutely sure that they do, just as I respect them and their views. They are people in their own right - I don't own them, or their opinions. They are almost adults and have to be allowed to take some risks with their decision making. I don't want to be invited out with them and their friends, although my oh did go to a music concert with the eldest and her friend the other night - as a chaperone... to make sure they were safe as they are only 15. Not as their mate!
By the same token my kids know they can come to me with their problems and I will listen and try to offer solutions. I won't tell them what to do. I wonder if, in future years, you will be able to say the same?
We all do the best we can as parents, there is no instruction booklet and I'm sure we all question what we do; we should. As my oh says, you only have to be good enough.
I hope I am. My girls seem well adjusted and socially accepted/acceptable, so perhaps I'm not doing too bad a job.

paulry

Yes I agree. Some approaches were rather more by accident though. Bullying for example: My younger son used to be very sensitive to teasing/leg pulling from his older brother so rather than put a stop to it I explained to him he's going to experience it elsewhere so he'd better get used to it now while he's among those who love him. So now it's all water of a ducks back and he gives as good as he gets. I Also made sure that they know how to stand up to bullies. Not sure what I would do if I learned that either of them were being bullied. It would be hard to resist the urge to march to school and sort it out. Thankfully that hasn't happened ...yet

Again it's somewhere in the middle for my family. We have lots of fun together and my kids arent scared of me (and I don't want them to be) but when I shout they jump! And when I tell them to do something they do it.

Thinking of doing the same. Another good book is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (Paperback) by Stephen R. Covey. Covey does several other good books with a similar theme aimed at teenagers etc.

But I think it's impossible to use a single "how to raise a child" template because every child is different. Half of it is knowing the individual child and how they tick and then adapting the best approach for him/her.

One of mine is 14 and the other 12

JackTheLad

I have the misfortune of getting a schooltime train home from the city. So I get to watch young teenage girls playing tonsil hockey with boys, running riot around the carriages, shouting and swearing. Treating all other passengers with contempt.

Then they get off at my train station to be picked up by Mummy, and butter wouldn't melt in their mouth. It would be quite fun to show mummy some video of what their darling daughter was doing on the train 5 minutes ago. (but I'd then get arrested as the pervert filming a girl)

I know they lie and deceive.

I think the trick is to have built in enough respect in them, that lying goes against their nature... And to catch them out when they do.

JTL

JenniGee

Mine are 13 & almost 15. Girls.

Sometimes they can't help themselves but be out of order, though thankfully so far, nothing too bad. When they're out in town with their friends I know that they'll be up to all kinds of pranks, but fortunately, they do have a "moral compass" & they will come & talk to me if they are worried about something that's happened. And of course, they both get a huge amount of satisfaction from grassing each other up to me

I'm their Mum, not their friend & although they can be mouthy at times, full of comments, they know absolutely where the buck stops & which side their bread is buttered on.

It's a tough job - you want to bring them up to be independent & be able to survive in the world, yet also they need to respect those around them & be safe. That whole teenage thing just conflicts with that.

They're both coming to Oz - younger one can't wait, older one hates the idea, but knows why we want to go & understands. The compromise is that we will wait until she has finished her GCSE's, but she has promised she will not play up when the time comes & give it 2-3 good years in Oz while she goes into further education.

As always with teenagers, watch this space

spsspence

Er, because they are the parents. When the child is 18 she can do what she wants.

JenniGee

Absolutely.

The parents have the right to a life & happiness too. Also, if moving is going to be a benefit to the child, then just because the child is "acting out" shouldn't stop the parents doing their best to act in the best interests of the child, when the child isn't in any position to look after themselves.

You have to listen & compromise if that's possible, for the sake of the future, but that doesn't mean that at the end of the day, the person who pays the piper calls the tune