Hi there,

I've just found this website and really hope someone can help me or give me some advice.. It's so hard knowing what to do.

My boyfriend and I (both 29) recently moved out to Sydney after being offered 2 year secondments through our company in London. We've been here for 2 months now. Things have been great and awful. We both love Australia, that's not the problem. However, since about 6 weeks before the move, he keeps having massive blow ups at me over the most trival of things - and when I say massive, he really says some awful things to me.

I talked it through with family and friends before we left and put it down to stress of the move thinking that it would change. I know we have only been here for a short time but it is still happening, maybe like once a fortnight and I am finding it so terribly hard and hurtful hearing him talk to me the way he does. Especially when we don't have any friends or family here and so no support. He doesn't apologise for it afterwards and it is breaking my heart and making me feel very insecure. Up until now I have mostly ignored him thinking it is just stress but yesterday he just went too far with the things he said over the most trivial thing - in fact it was something nice that I was trying to do for him. Anyway, I spent the whole night beside myself in tears to the point I got such a terrible migrane I couldn't go to work today as I felt like I'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. I've spent the whole day in bed today.. Even thought the catalyst is trivial, the things that he says to me are not. I just don't know how he can say some of the things to me that he is at the moment. It is like he just doesn't love me anymore when he gets this way.

Last night I could have just got on a plane home. But we have been together for 4 years and lived together for half of that at least. This change in him only happened once things started getting stressful with the move and is very out of character - that's the only reasons i've not walked out of the door.

Can anyone help me? Has anyone elses relationship struggled at the beginning, suffered or broken down after moving to the other side of the world? Should I tough it out or is it better to get out now before it seriously starts to effect my self confidence? I just don't know and I have not even can't even decide if we split up if i would stay in oz for the secondment or go home..

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my essay! I wish I had known this forum was here sooner..

F x

Sorry can't offer much in the way of advice, but I can offer empathy.

When we moved, we found it incredibly stressful. I developed psorasis due to the stress (never had it before!)- everything was such an effort. And you are right that not having family or friends around adds to the stress level. Normally you could go out and meet a friend for a wine or two to unwind, but at the mo you are reliant only on each other.

Not sure if you have ever read the article which says that migrating is very much like bereavement....and it is. Try googling for it- it sometimes helps to know you are not alone.

Can you do something which gives you an hour or two apart (sort of breather)? Go for a swim/join a gym/invite a work colleague or two out for a drink and talk about anything but your partner.
Maybe there is a BE person in Sydney you could meet up with? We are in Melbourne so not much help practically, I' m afraid.

Hope the pair of you get over this tough time....migrating is harder than it looks.

The amount of arguments me and my OH had in the first six months is incredible!! We had more arguments in that time, than we have had in our whole (nearly) 20 year relationship

You both need to find some friends or a hobby that is seperate - have some time out on your own that's not work. It should help a lot

Hey sorry to hear about the troubles. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I would imagine it could be down to the stress of the move?!

It's a very stressful and emotional time for the both of you, and I can remember a while back, to when me and my ex moved in together, it was a bit different and stressful we had silly little arguements for a while, but it soon settled (obviously we're apart now because I'm moving away lol) but moving to another country is probably 100 times more stressful - I'm sure many couples have a rough time when they arrive.

All I can say is that I hope it becomes better between the both of you, and you both get through it!!

You don't say if you've actually asked him what the problem is (although I'm sure you have).
Have you thought about seeing a counselor? There are some very good ones out there and it might help him to talk to someone who is trained to listen.
Just a thought.
Hope you work things out.

Hey Fluffball,

really feel for you. I would definitely try and meet up with other expats in Sydney together with your partner and seperately - start a thread on here looking for a football team for him, or whatever it is he likes to do. And if you mention on here that you'd like to meet up with some girls for a wine/coffee, you'll normally get a response.

I'm currently in the UK and moving to Oz in Feb but can totally relate to your experiences as my husband is a New Zealander who I met while travelling & living in NZ for 2 years and he moved to the UK to be with me. The upshot was we had to get married for him to be able to stay in the UK and boy was that stressful.

We had 2 years, I would say, where our relationship was extremely rocky. The ironic thing was it was him that had moved from NZ to the UK but it was me that couldn't cope with the stress of a quicky wedding, worrying about getting him a job, making sure he was happy etc...

I am thoroughly ashamed to say it but it brought out the worst in me and I would say some horrible things when we argued - NONE of which I meant, by the way. Things like I wish I'd never married him, I wanted a divorce, I hated him etc... and I was also an expert at bringing up the past and throwing it in his face.

So, as the person who acted like your partner I would say if you really feel that it is out of character for him then hang in there as long as he is willing to make positive steps towards making things better. Whenever we weren't fighting I was truly sorry for the things I'd said and realised in the end that I hated being like that so I made a concerted effort to behave differently.

We've been married 7 years now and for the last 5 have been really extremely happy - I am determined that I will never behave that way again and thank god my husband stuck with me. He knew it was out of character and knew that I react very badly to extreme stress.

Moving to Oz in Feb will be very stressful but I will at least expect that and recognise it this time - I often think some people on BE don't realise how stressful emigrating is and your partner might be like that, he may not have realised just how HUGE the whole thing is.

Anyway, I've rambled on -but please please continue to use this website as it is fantastic and somebody always knows how you feel. Keep talking on here, try and get out and meet people, talk to your partner and get him some interests and fingers crossed things will improve.

Good luck - let us know how you get on.
Kelly

The three worst arguments I've ever had with my wife came in the first 4 months of being in Australia. We hardly stopped after arriving - house, cars, taxation, medical, credit cards, schools, clothes, furniture etc etc etc. And even after the worst was over we continually went sight seeing, day trips, nights out and tried to be sociable with everyone. Looking back on it we crammed in so much but were exhausted and did too much.

Although it didn't really seem like it at the time we were incredibly stressed, we both worried about the move (but would not admit it to each other) and we underestimated the change.

Having since spoken to other expats it seems that this is a fairly normal experience. The move did put a huge strain on our relationship for a lengthy period but fortunately it worked out for us. I think we hit rock bottom and at one point talked about separation - until it dawned on us how much we meant to each other. I believe our relationship is much stronger for the move, but we did have to work at it, not take each other for granted and accept that you will both go through difficult spells and you need to be honest and you need to support each other.

Its also important to putthings into perspective, don't expect too much in the first few months and realise that things will quickly settle and you'll have a wonderful experience.

Good luck !
Col

sending you lots of love xxx

A couple of things - 4 years is about the time when things do begin to be a bit rocky even in the best of marriages. Add to that the stress of moving and the isolation you are feeling - he may feel that way too or he may be exploiting your lack of a social support network. Either way, you are probably both very vulnerable at this moment.

I would head off to Relationships Australia pretty quick because you absolutely do not have to put up with abusive language or anything like that - in fact, if you put up with it, the chances are it will get worse. It may be language today but it may be a fist tomorrow and you dont want to be on the other end of that. RA are the experts and are definitely good for a start - you dont have to go as a couple initially although obviously that is what you will be aiming for.

Hope you work it out {{{hugs}}}

I'd just like to confirm what everyone else is saying. Moving to another country is very stressful and often puts huge strain on relationships. The problem is you suddenly don't have your normal release/suport mechanisms like friends, social engagement, family, routine and hobbies. The same is true of your partner. Just when you need your partner the most he or she is least able to provide support due to aforementioned stress and insecurity. Arguments flare up, your sex life goes down the gurgler, resentments build which in turn leads to more arguments...

Best advice is for both of you to realise that emigration is one of the most stressful situations you are likely to encounter and things WILL get better as long as you can hang in there and give each other as much slack as possible.

I can't really help with relationship advice either but I am in Sydney. I would suggest catching up for a drink or just a chat but as a guy that may not help things (although quite happy to if you want on a friends level) - but a big group of us meet at a pub in the city every thursday for drinks and some laughs.

Sounds like you could do with an evening out (with or without your boyfriend) to meet some new faces - everybody's pretty cool and real range of ages.

This is the link to this thursday's if you fancy it. If not it's a weekly thing.

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=578772

Look after yourself.

Thank you SO much to everyone. I am overwhelmed by all of your lovely replies - I can't tell you how helpful they all are.

Pomster - I am looking for that article now. I will def try and find something I can do on my own for a few hours on a regular basis.

xzibit - thanks for that. it's better i think that at least its kind of normal.

Al - yes I have asked him many times what the problem is. He just says it is the issue that he has blown up over and that if i hadn't done X then he wouldn't be so annoyed - i don't think that is the case but I don't think he has recognised something deeper is going on here. I hadn't thought of seeing a cousellor but that is a really good idea so I will.

Kelly - thank you so much for that post, it was so helpful to hear from your side as it sounds very similar. Refreshing that you could be so honest too! Has given me some strength to tough it out.

Col - Not that it's nice for people to go through but it is very reassuring to hear this is the 'norm'. We have been the same as you and not stopped in terms of sorting things out etc. cramming everything in so I guess that doesn't help.

Hitchcok - thanks for the love, it's very much needed at the moment.

Quoll - I never thought about it that way, ie 4 years being the rocky point. I do think he is carrying on because I have allowed him to but I was just cutting him some slack because of the move. I am going to see RA. thanks for the hugs!!!

Budawang - you are so spot on. I'm not sure that he realises anything beyond the surface and really thinks it is the small things winding him up. I knew the move would be tough on our relationship but he has said to me that shouldn't be the case as it should be easier here not harder and that he shouldn't have to make an effort - which does not help obviously.

MTPockets - A drink with people sounds so great! I would love to meet some others living in Sydney outside of my work. Assuming I don't have another duvet day feeling sorry for myself then I will most certainly be there. Thanks for letting me know!

Again, thank you so much everyone - so kind and I feel a bit better already.

With love,

F x

I can't add too much to what everyone else says, but as a "serial migrator" (UK - > South Africa -> Botswana -> UK and hopefully now Australia) I can tell you that each time we've moved has been the source of some real arguments. It usually takes about 3 months for life to return to normal

And like most blokes he probably can't put a finger on why he's blowing up, and you're a nice easy target. He should at least apologise though.

All the advice is sound, make some new friends, get to some social gatherings and maybe try some relationship counselling.

I hope it all works out in the end, after all my wife is still with me (although she is dreading this next move, as we're leaving the kids)

Fluffball
I think everyone has some rocky patches when they move country. This is my second country move (so far) and my oh and I definately fight more at the mo than usual. We are coming up for 3 months here and its starting to settle down now that we are getting into a routine. Probably the biggest thing would be to meet up with some people both together and for girls/boys nights, to get out of each others hair. I am sure that in the UK you didnt spend so much time together as you do the first few months here. PM me, my husband and I are both about your age and living in Sydney, could do with meeting up with more people and getting out for a drink. Also go to the Thursday meets, they are good fun, have only been to two so far, but its good to get out there and meet all sorts of people.

good luck!!

Not much to add, just wanted to send you cyber hugs. ((((((((((((Fluffball))))))))))))

Hub and I truly struggled at the beginning and the first three/four months were horrible. Lots of nasty arguments, hub wanting to go back- it was the toughest thing we ever went through during eight years of being together. Despite everything falling into place easily for us(jobs/rental etc) the whole process was incredibly stressful.

But we came through it.

I do agree with trying to get out and about, meeting people and doing something that is just for you. I would love to meet up with you but unfortunately I am in Adelaide.

Take care.