s-jmelbournewannabe

Got sent this today from my mother in law, not sure if it's a dig or not??????????????

What do you think???


Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone (210 lbs) and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

brissydeb

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it is eaten. It is called wedding cake..........

Fiona&malc

LOL good one

brissydeb

Priest was sat next to Paddy on a flight. Paddy ordered a rum and coke. The flight attendant asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I did not know we had a choice"

belleandscone

Yep, choked on mine!! Just kidding Barry love you really

worzel

That is a new slant on an old joke. It always used to be - Doctors have discovered a substance that removes a woman's sex drive...

KatieStar

LOL that was a good one.

I enjoyed eating my wedding cake, just as well as it lasted a long time For months after the wedding every visitor to our house was treated to a cuppa and a piece of wedding cake.

sme

I spilt red wine over mine !

furkew

An earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter scale hit Romney Marsh this morning.
The epicentre was Folkestone. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "Bang out of order" "Standard" "Jog on"
The earthquake decimated the area causing 17.55 pounds worth of damage. Several prioceless collections of mementos from Ibitza & Tenerife where damaged beyond repair. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and cars burned out. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.

One Folkestone resident, Kelly Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said " Its was such a f@#$%*g shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying, my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin-up"

The British Red cross hopes to send 4,000 crates of special Brew to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through rubble and have found numerous "Elizabeth Duke" sovereign rings, benefit books and poundstretcher ornaments.

How can you help ?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is sought after. Ugently needed are LaCoste track suits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Reebok trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizza. Alchohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed. 0.22p buys a "signing on biro", 2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, 20.00 buys a fake MOT and 16.00 buys 200 Regal from the back of Tomo's lorry


Your help is appreciated

Thank you.

bridie

Love it, as a person who moved from that neck of the woods couldnt agree more!!

k no its way

Cam1977

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 contenders for the position...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks," she said. "I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair."

Wendy

Anyone got the number for the CIA?

glittababe

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Pollyana

You may have noticed that I've merged a load of jokes together - its the Barbie equivalent of the TIO Cheesey Jokes thread.

Try and keep them fairly family friendly!!

-----------------------------

Cannibals

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but
please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued,
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"


-----------------------------------------

An airline passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served their food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend he came swuiching down the aisle and announced in a wonderfully camp voice to the passengers "Captain Macho has asked me to announce that he will soon be landing the big scary plane, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutish engines" he said. "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty pat us onto the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said "In my country, I am a Princess, I take orders from no-one"
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in MY country, I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray up, bitch!"

furkew

Youre no fun at all