borehamwood

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

borehamwood

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

chippie74

bloke knocks on the door...is fred in...no sorry hes gone for cotton hel be back tuesday...ok il see him then...tuesday:- knocks again is fred in....just missed him gone for cotton hel be back friday...ok il see him then..friday:- knock on the door is fred in sorry just missed him again hes gone for cotton hel be back monday...ok il see him then..mon:-knock on the door again is fred in....sorry hes dead hes furnal is on thurseday..ok il be there thursday:- standing at hes service looking at hes grave stone it says fred died but not forcotton!!!

borehamwood

Claudia Schiffer

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again ."

borehamwood

St. Patrick

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in.

The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..."

He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

The 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"

So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin'."

borehamwood

POW's

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussein captured a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian.

Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back."

The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes.

His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.

The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly, "Stiff upper lip you know eh what."

His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.

"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back?" says Saddam.

Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman."

borehamwood

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

borehamwood

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.

"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

borehamwood

Paddy and Mick worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him 45 Euros a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 90 Euros a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: 'Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter.""

borehamwood

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."

borehamwood

What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
"Having car trouble?"

borehamwood

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"

asher

terrible

furkew

Three Labrador Retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a wetter. I wet on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wet in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

furkew

1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a
commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something
it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And
remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the
occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain
accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you
should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd
background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.