Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Nov 21st 2011 | 6:39 pm
#16
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 28,175
From: at the bottom of a wine glass
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Hi,
Sorry to use this site to get advice about my love life, but I was hoping that, as many of you are living in a different country, you'd be able to understand.
Basically I lived in London for a year or so and met a lovely man just before I was due to come back home to Australia. We kept in contact while I was back home for 10 months or so before I decided to go back to the UK to give our relationship a chance. I have a British passport so visas etc weren't an issue for me. We didn't live together while I was there, but we had a great relationship. I was there for 1.5 years and while I liked it, I was finding it very difficult to get a good job and went through a long period of crazy flatmates which I got sick of. My boyfriend also worked crazy hours with night shift etc so that was really hard too.
At xmas last year I took him to Australia for a month and we went to visit my sister in Perth and he loved it. Upon returning to the UK my boyfriend was talking about moving in with me, but my contract was coming to an end at work with no other job in sight, my flatmates were moving out and my boyfriend was on really bad money and would've found it difficult to afford it (he lives with his mum and his brother!). We talked about it and decided it was best for us to move back to Oz so we could build a life together. I moved the following April because I'd had enough of doing it tough and I just craved setting myself up with a good life back home. He came 5 months later because he needed time to save up for his working visa. Anyway so he finally got here and I was so excited and then a couple of weeks in he started getting really withdrawn and told me that he was severely homesick. By the end of the 3rd week he had booked his flight back home and was gone. While it was hard to fight the urge to go after him, sometimes I would just get so angry that he didn't give it a go, especially after we'd talked about moving everything and decided moving to Australia was the best thing for us.
I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? I really miss and love him, but I know it needs to go both ways and after us both making so much effort for him to get over here, it is just so disappointing that he just left. He was in Darwin so it would have been a massive cultural shock, but we were about to go to Melbourne for a holiday and move to Perth. I wonder how much the place even matters if you really love someone..
Do you think I should just let this one go? If they really loved you, even though it would be so hard coming from the UK, they would try a lot harder wouldn't they? It is so hard falling for someone from a different country! Relationships are hard enough and then when you throw in homesickness etc it is so tough. Sometimes I still think about going back to the UK to be with him (he hasn't asked me and said he wouldn't do that), but I know that it would probably be really stupid to do that when he couldn't be here for me, even just for 6mth/a year to see if he liked it. This only happened 3 weeks ago so it is very fresh. He left 2 weeks before my 30th birthday!!
Sorry that this thread is anormous! Just wondering what people thought that were with people from other countries and how they coped and when you know that you should just let go.. Love can suck :-(
Sorry to use this site to get advice about my love life, but I was hoping that, as many of you are living in a different country, you'd be able to understand.
Basically I lived in London for a year or so and met a lovely man just before I was due to come back home to Australia. We kept in contact while I was back home for 10 months or so before I decided to go back to the UK to give our relationship a chance. I have a British passport so visas etc weren't an issue for me. We didn't live together while I was there, but we had a great relationship. I was there for 1.5 years and while I liked it, I was finding it very difficult to get a good job and went through a long period of crazy flatmates which I got sick of. My boyfriend also worked crazy hours with night shift etc so that was really hard too.
At xmas last year I took him to Australia for a month and we went to visit my sister in Perth and he loved it. Upon returning to the UK my boyfriend was talking about moving in with me, but my contract was coming to an end at work with no other job in sight, my flatmates were moving out and my boyfriend was on really bad money and would've found it difficult to afford it (he lives with his mum and his brother!). We talked about it and decided it was best for us to move back to Oz so we could build a life together. I moved the following April because I'd had enough of doing it tough and I just craved setting myself up with a good life back home. He came 5 months later because he needed time to save up for his working visa. Anyway so he finally got here and I was so excited and then a couple of weeks in he started getting really withdrawn and told me that he was severely homesick. By the end of the 3rd week he had booked his flight back home and was gone. While it was hard to fight the urge to go after him, sometimes I would just get so angry that he didn't give it a go, especially after we'd talked about moving everything and decided moving to Australia was the best thing for us.
I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? I really miss and love him, but I know it needs to go both ways and after us both making so much effort for him to get over here, it is just so disappointing that he just left. He was in Darwin so it would have been a massive cultural shock, but we were about to go to Melbourne for a holiday and move to Perth. I wonder how much the place even matters if you really love someone..
Do you think I should just let this one go? If they really loved you, even though it would be so hard coming from the UK, they would try a lot harder wouldn't they? It is so hard falling for someone from a different country! Relationships are hard enough and then when you throw in homesickness etc it is so tough. Sometimes I still think about going back to the UK to be with him (he hasn't asked me and said he wouldn't do that), but I know that it would probably be really stupid to do that when he couldn't be here for me, even just for 6mth/a year to see if he liked it. This only happened 3 weeks ago so it is very fresh. He left 2 weeks before my 30th birthday!!
Sorry that this thread is anormous! Just wondering what people thought that were with people from other countries and how they coped and when you know that you should just let go.. Love can suck :-(
If it was just the homesickness, how willing are you to move to the UK to be with him?
Love is about compromise, if you are both in love then you need to see how much compromise you are both prepared to make. If you can't agree then I'd say it's best to move on before it gets any more complicated.
Nov 21st 2011 | 8:41 pm
#17
no stressin no fussin....
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 12,616
From: Fantasy Island....
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
i once dated a brazilian dance instructor. i thought i'd struck gold, but it was impossible to communicate things like sarcasm and irony to her, and each joke had to be broken down into components and then each part explained as to why it was funny.
so i had a couple more goes and then I was off
so i had a couple more goes and then I was off
Nov 21st 2011 | 8:43 pm
#18
no stressin no fussin....
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 12,616
From: Fantasy Island....
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Sometimes the shock sets in and he may have felt totally lost and out of his comfort zone. Let's face it Darwin is difficult even for hardened Aussies
Time will tell mate. Good luck:sunglasses:
Time will tell mate. Good luck:sunglasses:
Nov 21st 2011 | 8:58 pm
#19
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,830
From: Perth
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Love was never meant to be easy or however the saying goes. If your boyfriend hasn't been 'around' much which sounds may be the case Darwin may well have not been the best place to take him.
Folk out of their comfort zone may indeed become reserved and 'different' to how they were on home turf.
If you feel it is something special you may need to get back to UK and take things from there. Your both young enough to have time on your side.
Good Luck.
Folk out of their comfort zone may indeed become reserved and 'different' to how they were on home turf.
If you feel it is something special you may need to get back to UK and take things from there. Your both young enough to have time on your side.
Good Luck.
Nov 21st 2011 | 9:35 pm
#21
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 94,305
From: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Been there, done that 
Nov 21st 2011 | 11:14 pm
#22
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 15,526
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Rings true that one although I may shed some light on a personal thought re our relationship as it's Aus/UK. Personally I dont think the country of origin is as important as the people involved. IE: in our case my wife is fairly distant and likes to maintain a distance with her own siblings. Lets very few of her family members into our lives.. Something to do with having to live in an orphanage whilst her mother went from situation to situation. I guess she has built up some kind of barrier. So from that point of view it's probably best that we are a long way from my family as I reckon there would have been issues if we had lived in the UK.
I'm totally the opposite and love family... So I miss that extended family thing.... even with hers, who seem ok to me on the few occassions I've met them. I get on really well with her Brother in Queensland... but she never wants to go to see him. Dont even see my UK born cousins here very much for the same reason.
Imagine how that 'tude would have gone in the UK.
.
Nov 21st 2011 | 11:20 pm
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 6,039
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Nov 21st 2011 | 11:22 pm
#24
Thread Starter
Just Joined
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Thank you for all of your comments. Darwin was only temporary because I had a job here. I knew he would hate it and I warned him before he got here. It was just for him to find his feet initially. We were going to go elsewhere, but he said in the end that he would feel bad if I moved to another city in case he still felt the same. I actually do really want to move to another city. I was just saving money here first because my family lives here and I had job contacts. I would move back to the UK if he was here for a year and still didn't like it... I know Darwin is extreme, but is it really enough to give up the opportunity of a whole year in Oz after just 3 weeks? He wasn't even interested in checking out Melbourne which we'd booked for less than 2 weeks later! He says now he belongs in London. It just seem stupid not to give it a go when you spent all that effort to get over here in the first place... Maybe he just wasn't strong enough. Going back to the UK for him had it's hard moments, but at least I gave it a year an a half...
Nov 21st 2011 | 11:30 pm
#25
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 6,039
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
When you are on this site a while you notice there are some British families that arrive in Australia and then go into meltdown.
Moving away from your comfort zone is a stressful thing and some people are not cut out for it and go into shock. Some families pack and leave after 3 weeks. Some of the very angry posts we get on here are from people not coping with being away from their comfort zone. It is very hard for some. A lot of people seem to self medicate.
Some of those families come back and make a success of it later after recognising and dealing with those emotions. Some wisely return to the UK and live 2 streets from their local and never move again
Some people suggest treating it as a holiday/temporary thing with a clear "get out of jail" card...this makes it work for some and might be worth a try. He might have felt it was permanent and panicked despite you saying it didn't have to be forever. Good luck
Moving away from your comfort zone is a stressful thing and some people are not cut out for it and go into shock. Some families pack and leave after 3 weeks. Some of the very angry posts we get on here are from people not coping with being away from their comfort zone. It is very hard for some. A lot of people seem to self medicate.
Some of those families come back and make a success of it later after recognising and dealing with those emotions. Some wisely return to the UK and live 2 streets from their local and never move again
Some people suggest treating it as a holiday/temporary thing with a clear "get out of jail" card...this makes it work for some and might be worth a try. He might have felt it was permanent and panicked despite you saying it didn't have to be forever. Good luck
Last edited by fish.01; Nov 21st 2011 at 11:33 pm.
Nov 21st 2011 | 11:49 pm
#26
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Bullshite! She said he was in a poorly paid job, why should he not still be at home if it's all he can afford. Both the husband and I were still living at home at 25 simply because it was cheap and very very convenient.
Nov 22nd 2011 | 1:14 am
#27
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,959
From: Somewhere South... Not Telling YOU
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Even those that are "out there" still appear to rely on regular significant contributions from their parents... Cars, deposits for houses and the like...
I'm thinking that standards of living "at home" are so high now that its harder for kids to make that break and give up on the good life in exchange for independence....
we know that mumbles will never be capeable of living independently
Nov 22nd 2011 | 5:01 am
#28
no stressin no fussin....
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 12,616
From: Fantasy Island....
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Thank you for all of your comments. Darwin was only temporary because I had a job here. I knew he would hate it and I warned him before he got here. It was just for him to find his feet initially. We were going to go elsewhere, but he said in the end that he would feel bad if I moved to another city in case he still felt the same. I actually do really want to move to another city. I was just saving money here first because my family lives here and I had job contacts. I would move back to the UK if he was here for a year and still didn't like it... I know Darwin is extreme, but is it really enough to give up the opportunity of a whole year in Oz after just 3 weeks? He wasn't even interested in checking out Melbourne which we'd booked for less than 2 weeks later! He says now he belongs in London. It just seem stupid not to give it a go when you spent all that effort to get over here in the first place... Maybe he just wasn't strong enough. Going back to the UK for him had it's hard moments, but at least I gave it a year an a half...
Maybe go look for a replacement
Nov 22nd 2011 | 6:21 am
#29
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,514
Re: Making realtionships work between 2 people from different countries
Yeh, hit a singles bar or something, down a long island, have a blast.
Nov 22nd 2011 | 6:30 am
#30
no stressin no fussin....
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 12,616
From: Fantasy Island....
