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Funerals and children

Funerals and children

Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:17 am
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Unhappy Funerals and children

I had rather sad news that my granda has not got long left .

i havent told my children yet. They are 8,6 and 4 and so far have not managed to tell the boys the their great granda is dying.

Now i know i will be going to the funeral when the time comes. Possibly with out my husband as he may not be able to have time off from the army.

As this is the first time ive been in this situation, im not sure whether my boys should go to the funeral.

Ive had a sleepless night trying to decide what i should do when the time comes.
I know this is an emotinal time for any one but how have other people coped with taking children to funerals.

My boys know their great granda but just dont have a special bond with him, the way they do with their grandparents.

My husband thinks the boys are too young to underestand about funerals.
Mandy
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:18 am
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by geordie mandy
I had rather sad news that my granda has not got long left .

i havent told my children yet. They are 8,6 and 4 and so far have not managed to tell the boys the their great granda is dying.

Now i know i will be going to the funeral when the time comes. Possibly with out my husband as he may not be able to have time off from the army.

As this is the first time ive been in this situation, im not sure whether my boys should go to the funeral.

Ive had a sleepless night trying to decide what i should do when the time comes.
I know this is an emotinal time for any one but how have other people coped with taking children to funerals.

My boys know their great granda but just dont have a special bond with him, the way they do with their grandparents.

My husband thinks the boys are too young to underestand about funerals.
Mandy
I'd take them to the church with you so they can say goodbye (if that's your belief), then see if you can get them looked after when you go to the crematorium or gravesite so you can say your goodbye.
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:19 am
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by 232Bar
I'd take them to the church with you so they can say goodbye (if that's your belief), then see if you can get them looked after when you go to the crematorium or gravesite so you can say your goodbye.
Bloody hell That was sensible for me wasn't it???? - I think I need a lie down now
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:22 am
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Default Re: Funerals and children

basically u explain as best u can and then u let THEM decide what they want to do. Make sure you have someone there that can take the kiddies away should they get too upset. Dont deny them the chance of being there, unfortunately it is all part of life and we all need to get used to it. I was excluded from a couple of funerals when \I was * & 9 and I was angry that I did not get to decide what I wanted to do. Stay strong Love H
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:26 am
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Agree with Biggy. I was 6 when my Grandad died and I was really upset because I wan't allowed to go the funeral.

Originally Posted by biggy
basically u explain as best u can and then u let THEM decide what they want to do. Make sure you have someone there that can take the kiddies away should they get too upset. Dont deny them the chance of being there, unfortunately it is all part of life and we all need to get used to it. I was excluded from a couple of funerals when \I was * & 9 and I was angry that I did not get to decide what I wanted to do. Stay strong Love H
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 11:32 am
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Mandy
sent you a pm
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 12:29 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

I actually feel quite strongly that unless the person who's died is the parent of the child then children should not be at funerals and doubly so if its a burial. I don't believe that children understand what is going on, nor understand death any better by being at a funeral. After 10, and it's someone close then yes but again not if it's a burial.

IMO it's wrong to subject a young child to watching a lot of adults being very sad when you spend your time explaining to a child that the person has gone to a better place, is no longer in pain or whatever.

Again that is my opinion and you have to do what is best for your children, I just couldn't do that to mine but we are all different.

Good luck.
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 12:51 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by geordie mandy
I had rather sad news that my granda has not got long left .

i havent told my children yet. They are 8,6 and 4 and so far have not managed to tell the boys the their great granda is dying.

Now i know i will be going to the funeral when the time comes. Possibly with out my husband as he may not be able to have time off from the army.

As this is the first time ive been in this situation, im not sure whether my boys should go to the funeral.

Ive had a sleepless night trying to decide what i should do when the time comes.
I know this is an emotinal time for any one but how have other people coped with taking children to funerals.

My boys know their great granda but just dont have a special bond with him, the way they do with their grandparents.

My husband thinks the boys are too young to underestand about funerals.
Mandy
This is just my opinion but I personally wouldn't normally take my children to a funeral. Having said that My 11 year old daughter's best friend sadly passed away very suddenly a month ago, we, as a family are absoluitely devastated so goodness knows how her family felt - I have spoken quite a lot to her mom and she was supporting me at one point - but that is not the point, my point is I took my daughter to her funeral, which was her first and it was beautiful. We did not attend the crematorium, instead saying good bye at the church. It is a very emotional time for anyone and I think you have to be strong enough to support yourself as well as them.

Having said that I was 6 when my mom passed away and 13 when my dad did, I wasn't allowed to go to either of their funerals and this, in my opinion, was right for the circumstances at the time. I would stand by this should god forbid it be me, or my OH who passed away, I would not wish my children to attend the service, afterwards yes but not the service.

Like I say this is just my opinion and it really is down to individual opinion and circumstance.

Whatever you decide, Mandy, I wish you and yours all the best.

Love Sas x-x
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 1:21 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Thank you everyone for your replies i really do appreciate your opinions.
Which ever way i look at it it is not an easy decision to make.
my husband are going to have a long chat with all the family concerned to see how to handle this.

Im not going to be on BE for a while as i need to get my head around my emotions, as at the moment they are all over the place.
Mandy
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 1:24 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by geordie mandy
Thank you everyone for your replies i really do appreciate your opinions.
Which ever way i look at it it is not an easy decision to make.
my husband are going to have a long chat with all the family concerned to see how to handle this.

Im not going to be on BE for a while as i need to get my head around my emotions, as at the moment they are all over the place.
Mandy

I'll be thinking of you sweetheart.
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 2:28 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by geordie mandy
I had rather sad news that my granda has not got long left .

i havent told my children yet. They are 8,6 and 4 and so far have not managed to tell the boys the their great granda is dying.

Now i know i will be going to the funeral when the time comes. Possibly with out my husband as he may not be able to have time off from the army.

As this is the first time ive been in this situation, im not sure whether my boys should go to the funeral.

Ive had a sleepless night trying to decide what i should do when the time comes.
I know this is an emotinal time for any one but how have other people coped with taking children to funerals.

My boys know their great granda but just dont have a special bond with him, the way they do with their grandparents.

My husband thinks the boys are too young to underestand about funerals.
Mandy
Hiya Mandy,
So sorry to hear of your sad news
My Gran died earlier this year, my sons were 14 and 8 at the time. I gave them the choice of whether to attend. My eldest said he would go but the youngest said he didn't want to go, he wanted to remember her as she was happy in her home So as the funeral was during the day he was at school, so a normal day for him.
Give them the choice, well definately the older 2, rather than force them one way or another.

BTW my 8 year old said he would definately come to my funeral charming
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 4:04 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by sassycat
This is just my opinion but I personally wouldn't normally take my children to a funeral. Having said that My 11 year old daughter's best friend sadly passed away very suddenly a month ago, we, as a family are absoluitely devastated so goodness knows how her family felt - I have spoken quite a lot to her mom and she was supporting me at one point - but that is not the point, my point is I took my daughter to her funeral, which was her first and it was beautiful. We did not attend the crematorium, instead saying good bye at the church. It is a very emotional time for anyone and I think you have to be strong enough to support yourself as well as them.

Having said that I was 6 when my mom passed away and 13 when my dad did, I wasn't allowed to go to either of their funerals and this, in my opinion, was right for the circumstances at the time. I would stand by this should god forbid it be me, or my OH who passed away, I would not wish my children to attend the service, afterwards yes but not the service.

Like I say this is just my opinion and it really is down to individual opinion and circumstance.

Whatever you decide, Mandy, I wish you and yours all the best.

Love Sas x-x

I actually agree with you sas

IMO i dont think funerals are the place for young children.When they grow up unfortunately they will have plenty of opportunities to attend funerals
Its only my opinion and i wish you all the best whichever way you go

Lee
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 6:02 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Hiya Mandy,
Just to offer my condolences to you.
My Grandad passed away in August and it still got to me even though we knew that it was coming. We called everyday after school just to say hello and it hit us all hard.
We decided that the children shouldn't come to the funeral as I knew I would be very upset and so would my Mum which I didn't want the children to see.
After thinking long and hard we chose to plant a tree in the garden to remember Grandad.
What ever you decide, do what is right for you.
Thinking of you,
J x
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 6:32 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by moneypen20
I actually feel quite strongly that unless the person who's died is the parent of the child then children should not be at funerals and doubly so if its a burial. I don't believe that children understand what is going on, nor understand death any better by being at a funeral. After 10, .
I totally go along with you ...
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Old Nov 11th 2006, 6:39 pm
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Default Re: Funerals and children

Originally Posted by geordie mandy
I had rather sad news that my granda has not got long left .

i havent told my children yet. They are 8,6 and 4 and so far have not managed to tell the boys the their great granda is dying.

Now i know i will be going to the funeral when the time comes. Possibly with out my husband as he may not be able to have time off from the army.

As this is the first time ive been in this situation, im not sure whether my boys should go to the funeral.

Ive had a sleepless night trying to decide what i should do when the time comes.
I know this is an emotinal time for any one but how have other people coped with taking children to funerals.

My boys know their great granda but just dont have a special bond with him, the way they do with their grandparents.

My husband thinks the boys are too young to underestand about funerals.
Mandy
It may be worth chatting about it to your parents, Mandy. And really, you know the kids, you know what their emotional maturity is like, and how they will react.. its very much an individual decision.

My husband died when my kids were 4years, 3years and 20 months. The decision was simple to not let them go to the funeral - I knew I would be distraught, my mother in law would be distraught, and if the kids needed emotional support then I wouldnt be in any state to give it to them. They said goodbye in their own way afterwards.

(((((you all)))))) for when you have to deal with this

Lynne x
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