bars open what you having?
Apr 15th 2007, 6:05 am
#496
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 16,652
Re: bars open what you having?
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***s that on the balcony with Dave?"!!!
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***s that on the balcony with Dave?"!!!
Apr 15th 2007, 6:06 am
#497
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: bars open what you having?
n Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."
Apr 15th 2007, 6:08 am
#499
Account Closed
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,037
Re: bars open what you having?
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***s that on the balcony with Dave?"!!!
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***s that on the balcony with Dave?"!!!
n Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began
to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."
Thank you soooooo much - let me get some drinks in
Apr 15th 2007, 6:08 am
#500
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Apr 15th 2007, 6:09 am
#502
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 16,652
Re: bars open what you having?
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Apr 15th 2007, 6:11 am
#503
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: bars open what you having?
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
I just say sod off
Apr 15th 2007, 6:12 am
#504
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: bars open what you having?
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South
(circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
(circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
Apr 15th 2007, 6:12 am
#505
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 16,652
Re: bars open what you having?
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The
husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The
husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Apr 15th 2007, 6:13 am
#506
Account Closed
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,037
Re: bars open what you having?
The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South
(circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
(circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"
Oh My
Apr 15th 2007, 6:13 am
#507
Account Closed
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,037
Re: bars open what you having?
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The
husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The
husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
I take it you are Scott not Rachel ?????
Apr 15th 2007, 6:15 am
#508
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: bars open what you having?
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or f**k?"
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or f**k?"
Apr 15th 2007, 6:16 am
#510
Account Closed
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,037
Re: bars open what you having?
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or f**k?"
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or f**k?"
