caretaker

conjunctivitis.com
now there‘s a site for sore eyes

andrew63

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

Wol

Churchwardens With Typewriters . . .these sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be auditions for the choir. They need all the help they can get
.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring
a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday
at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours.

caretaker

Some good ones in there!

commonwealth

caretaker

So dad, how do you like the ipad we bought you?
http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

Twinsdad

One of the guys phoned in work today to say he was sick.

I said " how sick are you"?

"well I've just been in bed with my sister"...........

Twinsdad

Essex Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine

£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

cresta57

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!
It just all depends on how you look at the same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW that’s how it's done, folks!
How’s that for POLITICAL SPIN?

paulandcelia

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have said.

mrsgreenstar76

The past, present & future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

mrsgreenstar76

Two men walk into a bar, the first orders some H2O. The 2nd one says ’sounds good, i’ll have some H2O too’. The second man died.

(This one may be a bit too specialised!)

cresta57

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote can have Monday off” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase;'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F#^*ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Pauline Hanson!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday!!!!”

cresta57

I looked out of my window last night and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who had come off his moped, so I frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.
"No" I replied, "The bastards got my pizza in the hotbox."

cresta57

A little old man shuffles into an ice cream parlor n slowly, painfully pulled himself onto a stool. After catching his breath he orders a banana split.The waitress kindly asks, crushed nuts? No, he replied, arthritis