If I ever get to name a street I think I'll call it Skin Street, just so I can go back and laugh at the people in number four.
.
Did you hear about the German Dr. Doolittle?
He made the animals talk.

A farmer in Yorkshire see's a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts; "Ey up cock, tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm theer, it's full o hoss piss an cow shite & thee's a deed sheep round t corner!"
The bloke says; "I'm from Manchester, can you speak bit slower please"
The farmer replies; "If you use two hands you wont spill any!

10 years ago Bob Hope died





5 years ago Johnny Cash died





A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died





A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died





Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It





Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls












--

A Queensland farmer drove to his neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad or your Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one? or I can give Dad a message"
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment............ "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $150 for the Boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

You know you read about it but think it could never happen to you.... When on holiday on Thailand I met a beautiful woman in a bar and we hit it off right from the start. She was gracious and elegant, witty, and seemed to hang on my every word. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be hooking up with such a wonderful woman. We left the bar and she drove to her apartment. Then, when she reversed into her parking space on the first try I thought, "Uh-oh!"

So Josef Fritzl misunderstood his wife when she said they should raise a family down under....

A mum cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.
She asks her husband "What do I do?"
Hubby "I'm not sure, but I certainly wouldn't spank him"

Lying Italian bastards! Leaning tower of Pisa my arse - it looked perfectly straight from the cruise ship.

shouldn't laugh, but that's damn funny

Goodbye Fabio Capello. You're clearly not the first Italian to abandon a sinking ship

Harry Redknapp's dog has just been seen entering William Hills and betting £100.000 on who will be the next England manager.

A man went up to bed with an aspirin and a glass of water in his hand.

His wife said, "What's that for?"

He said, "For your headache".

She said, "But I don't have a headache".

"Gotcha"!

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"!

"Sorry, Who?"

"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

"Sounds like he was something really special."

"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

"Wow. Sounds like some bloke."

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

"Well, that's the sad part, you see I never actually met Brian. Unfortunately he died, and I'm married to his f***ing' widow."

For years I thought my wife had Tourettes, but it turns out I really am a **** and she really does want me to **** off.

Julia Gillard.