The 2012 joke thread
Jan 7th 2012, 5:59 am
#1
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 9,397
The 2012 joke thread
An old one first:
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Jan 7th 2012, 7:46 am
#2
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Redneck Wonderland
Posts: 9,932
Re: The 2012 joke thread
I was going to take the kids to see The Iron Lady but it's been given an 18 certificate. Not suitable to be watched by miners.
Jan 15th 2012, 1:51 am
#3
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: The 2012 joke thread
A man enters a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks "Do you sell fish cakes?" "Yes we do." answers the clerk.
"Great, it's his birthday!"
"Great, it's his birthday!"
Jan 15th 2012, 1:59 am
#4
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: The 2012 joke thread
When my wife left I was so lonely and sad and upset I didn't know what to do, but look at me now! I've got a dog, I bought a harley, I'm shagging two birds and I blew about a grand on coke.
She's going to go ****ing mental when she gets home from work.
She's going to go ****ing mental when she gets home from work.
Jan 16th 2012, 10:50 am
#5
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Redneck Wonderland
Posts: 9,932
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Just watching the news about that stricken cruise liner, the sky presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court. I just hapend to glance at the wife on the couch and now its all kicked off
Jan 16th 2012, 10:52 am
#6
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Redneck Wonderland
Posts: 9,932
Re: The 2012 joke thread
I just rang the Airfix Shop: "Do You Have A Model Of An Italian Cruise Liner?"
The Shop Owner Replies "Yes We Have Just One Left"
So I said " Can you put it on One Side For Me Please?"
The Shop Owner Replies "Yes We Have Just One Left"
So I said " Can you put it on One Side For Me Please?"
Jan 16th 2012, 7:37 pm
#7
Shiny Arse Know All
Joined: Apr 2010
Location: Adelaide, somewhere
Posts: 14,180
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Paddy and Murphy swap their sarnies at work. Paddy spits his out and says "what the hell was in that sarnie?". Murphy says "crab paste". Paddy says "where the hell did you get ir from?" Murphy replies "Saw it on offer when I was at the chemist"
Jan 16th 2012, 7:42 pm
#8
Waiting to be a grown-up
Joined: May 2010
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 4,695
Re: The 2012 joke thread
An old one first:
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Jan 17th 2012, 12:05 pm
#10
Going for a ride
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Monbulk, Victoria.
Posts: 2,838
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Thank fook she's away camping with the kids and not looking over my shoulder
Jan 17th 2012, 12:26 pm
#11
Daffyd Duck
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Paradise
Posts: 5,636
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Jan 19th 2012, 1:47 pm
#12
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Local police are seeking the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people in the arse in the last 48 hrs. A police spokesperson says they believe the attacker may be following some sort of pattern.
Jan 20th 2012, 2:45 am
#13
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Redneck Wonderland
Posts: 9,932
Re: The 2012 joke thread
Divers have just found two Scotsmen sitting in the bar of the Costa Concordia with BobbyFTM
They said "Piss off! we're all inclusive and we got 12 days left"
They said "Piss off! we're all inclusive and we got 12 days left"
Jan 20th 2012, 6:16 am
#14
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: north east england to south east queensland(cleveland in fact )WE WON THE CUP
Posts: 5,867
