An old one first:
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

I was going to take the kids to see The Iron Lady but it's been given an 18 certificate. Not suitable to be watched by miners.

A man enters a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks "Do you sell fish cakes?" "Yes we do." answers the clerk.
"Great, it's his birthday!"

When my wife left I was so lonely and sad and upset I didn't know what to do, but look at me now! I've got a dog, I bought a harley, I'm shagging two birds and I blew about a grand on coke.
She's going to go ****ing mental when she gets home from work.

Just watching the news about that stricken cruise liner, the sky presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court. I just hapend to glance at the wife on the couch and now its all kicked off

I just rang the Airfix Shop: "Do You Have A Model Of An Italian Cruise Liner?"
The Shop Owner Replies "Yes We Have Just One Left"
So I said " Can you put it on One Side For Me Please?"

Paddy and Murphy swap their sarnies at work. Paddy spits his out and says "what the hell was in that sarnie?". Murphy says "crab paste". Paddy says "where the hell did you get ir from?" Murphy replies "Saw it on offer when I was at the chemist"

I love that you explain what the word 'expletive' means

no-one on here would have known otherwise..

How many of you out there almost pissed themselves reading this !!



Thank fook she's away camping with the kids and not looking over my shoulder

Local police are seeking the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people in the arse in the last 48 hrs. A police spokesperson says they believe the attacker may be following some sort of pattern.

Divers have just found two Scotsmen sitting in the bar of the Costa Concordia with BobbyFTM
They said "Piss off! we're all inclusive and we got 12 days left"

Needless to say i wouldn't have spilled a drop either !

I'm sure