The 2012 joke thread
 

An old one first:
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worsevocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Re: The 2012 joke thread
 

I was going to take the kids to see The Iron Lady but it's been given an 18 certificate. Not suitable to be watched by miners.

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A man enters a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks "Do you sell fish cakes?" "Yes we do." answers the clerk.
"Great, it's his birthday!"

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When my wife left I was so lonely and sad and upset I didn't know what to do, but look at me now! I've got a dog, I bought a harley, I'm shagging two birds and I blew about a grand on coke.
She's going to go ****ing mental when she gets home from work.

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Just watching the news about that stricken cruise liner, the sky presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court. I just hapend to glance at the wife on the couch and now its all kicked off:eek:

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I just rang the Airfix Shop: "Do You Have A Model Of An Italian Cruise Liner?"
The Shop Owner Replies "Yes We Have Just One Left"
So I said " Can you put it on One Side For Me Please?"

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Paddy and Murphy swap their sarnies at work. Paddy spits his out and says "what the hell was in that sarnie?". Murphy says "crab paste". Paddy says "where the hell did you get ir from?" Murphy replies "Saw it on offer when I was at the chemist"

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I love that you explain what the word 'expletive' means:hysterical::hysterical:

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no-one on here would have known otherwise.. :rofl::rofl:

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How many of you out there almost pissed themselves reading this !!

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Thank fook she's away camping with the kids and not looking over my shoulder :ohmy:

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Local police are seeking the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people in the arse in the last 48 hrs. A police spokesperson says they believe the attacker may be following some sort of pattern.

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Divers have just found two Scotsmen sitting in the bar of the Costa Concordia with BobbyFTM
They said "Piss off! we're all inclusive and we got 12 days left"

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:eek: :rofl: Needless to say i wouldn't have spilled a drop either !:p

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I'm sure;)

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If I ever get to name a street I think I'll call it Skin Street, just so I can go back and laugh at the people in number four.
.
Did you hear about the German Dr. Doolittle?
He made the animals talk.

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A farmer in Yorkshire see's a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts; "Ey up cock, tha dun wanna be drinkin watta frm theer, it's full o hoss piss an cow shite & thee's a deed sheep round t corner!"
The bloke says; "I'm from Manchester, can you speak bit slower please"
The farmer replies; "If you use two hands you wont spill any!

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10 years ago Bob Hope died





5 years ago Johnny Cash died





A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died





A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died





Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It





Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls












--

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A Queensland farmer drove to his neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad or your Mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one? or I can give Dad a message"
"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment............ "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $150 for the Boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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You know you read about it but think it could never happen to you.... When on holiday on Thailand I met a beautiful woman in a bar and we hit it off right from the start. She was gracious and elegant, witty, and seemed to hang on my every word. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be hooking up with such a wonderful woman. We left the bar and she drove to her apartment. Then, when she reversed into her parking space on the first try I thought, "Uh-oh!"

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So Josef Fritzl misunderstood his wife when she said they should raise a family down under....

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A mum cleaning her 12yr old sons bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.
She asks her husband "What do I do?"
Hubby "I'm not sure, but I certainly wouldn't spank him"

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Lying Italian bastards! Leaning tower of Pisa my arse - it looked perfectly straight from the cruise ship.

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:rofl: shouldn't laugh, but that's damn funny :rofl:

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Goodbye Fabio Capello. You're clearly not the first Italian to abandon a sinking ship:ohmy:

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Harry Redknapp's dog has just been seen entering William Hills and betting £100.000 on who will be the next England manager.

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A man went up to bed with an aspirin and a glass of water in his hand.

His wife said, "What's that for?"

He said, "For your headache".

She said, "But I don't have a headache".

"Gotcha"!

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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"!

"Sorry, Who?"

"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

"Sounds like he was something really special."

"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

"Wow. Sounds like some bloke."

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

"Well, that's the sad part, you see I never actually met Brian. Unfortunately he died, and I'm married to his f***ing' widow."

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For years I thought my wife had Tourettes, but it turns out I really am a **** and she really does want me to **** off.

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Julia Gillard.

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conjunctivitis.com
now there‘s a site for sore eyes

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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".:o

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Churchwardens With Typewriters . . .these sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be auditions for the choir. They need all the help they can get
.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring
a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday
at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours.

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Some good ones in there! :thumbup:

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So dad, how do you like the ipad we bought you?
http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

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One of the guys phoned in work today to say he was sick.

I said " how sick are you"?

"well I've just been in bed with my sister"...........

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Essex Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine

£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Re: The 2012 joke thread
 

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!
It just all depends on how you look at the same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW that’s how it's done, folks!
How’s that for POLITICAL SPIN?

Re: The 2012 joke thread
 

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have said.