Sound post Hutch
x

Crikey Hutch, what a good post. You really nailed it and summed it all up in my opinion. For a bloke, you're pretty damn perceptive ain't ya?!!!

I agree
And yours wasn't bad either

I totally agree that you shouldn't go anywhere until you have sorted this out with your husband.
Moving over here is hard enough for an individual and a relationship without feeling that either you don't want to be here or feeling that you've been railroaded into coming.
You really need to sit down down with hubby and tell him what you feel. You have got to make him understand. Maybe try putting it down on paper and getting him to read it and get back to you.
He can either decide to come alone, stay where you are or you may come to an agreement whereby you try it for a certain length of time.
The best of luck,
Tracey

Emigrating to Australia was always my dream not my husbands and so I now talk to him constantly about how he's feeling about the move.
I would hate to pressure him in to going because I think it would cause problems.
Luckily for me husband and 7 year old are now really excited about going and 4 year old is too young to mind.
Ironically it's me having jitters now (only sometimes though )

Jen - be very sure you want to do it.
I think women not settling and missing family and friends is the most common reason for people returning.

I would give it a go if I thought I can rely on him to be there for me in Australia, he's become harder to talk to about worries and problems over the last few months and talking to him literally gets me nowhere but frustrated and angry cause he either shuts down or twists things round or lays on the guilt trips. I suggested councelling to get us back on track but he won't have it, even though i said if he showed me he was prepared to meet me half way and make an effort i'd give it my best shot in Australia.
He won't rent our house out as he feels it would make it too easy for us to come back here and if there are problems renting it (i.e bad tenants) then we would be too far away to deal with it and he doesn't want the responsibility of it.

If I refuse to go I will have to deal with the consequences of bbeing responsible for ruining his dream and a possible better life for the kids and if things get worse here it would all be my fault, If I go i would have to cope with alot of things and problems on my own and would have to probably wait hours to be able to phone dad or a friend for a chat to share my problems with someone.
I keep leaning toward going cause then the only person who I know will struggle alot is me. If I don't go my husband will resent me for the rest of his life or our life together and the kids who are quite excited about going, not sure if they understand the implications would blame me too.


Sorry I hate being a miserable moo about it all i'd like nothing better to feel like I had a husband who I could turn to no matter what the reason and rely on, I don't know where that reltionship went.

Jen, really feel for you, bet your heads in a whirl :curse: I do think Hutch's post is spot on, don't move thousands of miles away from loved ones if your hearts not in it. xx Re-read Hutch's post

Oh Jen what an awful situation you are in.

Remember honey you going to be 12,000 miles away from your friends and family, so you and OH need to be 100 % together on this other wise it aint going to work. He needs to listen to you and be your friend when you need a hug or a cry.

You need to sit him down tonight and lay it all on the line and tell him your not goung unless he starts to change dramtically.

(((((( hugs ))))))))

Hi m'dear

i agree. Hutch hit the nail on the head.
Nothing more to say as Hutch's said it all.
good luck
T
xx

Thankyou.

Trouble is to make it more complicated Hubby has a very good job offer out there and they are waiting for him, it's in the same sort of role he was made redundant from nearly a year ago, the company is very nice and very well equiped, it would be a tremendous step forward for him career wise after the massive step down he had to take last year, he has struggled so much to find a better job in the UK not just the area we live and has had some success in interviews but the pay was lower than what he earns now and finances are tight.
In Australia the pay is good and as I said the job is what he was doing before he was made redundant and there would be opportunities for him to go forward, while here there are no opportunities where he is now and there is little family timedue to his hours.

He would never forgive me for taking that away from him and I don't want to, thinks haven't been the same since he was made redundant, his job was good and he was very happy, I think to go out there he would be very happy with the job he's got out there, but I wonder if I could fogive him for taking us out there and then feeling as I do now that I can't talk to him, and feel like i'm part time single parent.

I'm kicking myself because I hate being so low and negative about it. I loved Australia, it had alot of qualities I liked, alot of similarities to home, we did meet soem lovely people and went to some lovely places.

I'm just very very torn about it all.
I wish it was as easy as saying I don't want to go everything for me is here when thats not so for him.
I wish I could get across to him that all I need and I feel it's a little thing for him to be able to let me speak and not shoot me down, listen and even if he feels differently try to understand and help if possible. I'd like to feel that I come first and that I count to him. I need to feel I can rely on him and if I need him to be he will be there because me and the kids come first.

If i'm ever ill I have to struggle on with the 3 kids especially if he's working, doesn't matter how much I struggle I was passing out on several occasions earlier this week while trying to look after the kids (we had a nasty virus) and hubby was upstairs asleep cause he'd been on an overtime night shift, he reluctantly got up to help when I called for him cause I was struggling to do lunch for one of the kids who was feeling better.
Dad won't be there in Australia and if i'm ill i'll have to lump it and struggle in the night when he's gone and in the day when he's asleep

I'm so cross with myself, wish I knew what to do.

Blimey, take your pick, rock or a hard place?

Again from a males perception, if his not listening to you at this stage of things I cannot see him changing his ways.

Please don't take this wrong but if he wants this all done 'his' way then his being selfish and bullying towards you, which is so not right.

Him laying on the guilt trip and he has no right to do this. Guilt trip and then clamming up while discussing this subject is a form of abuse believe it or not; known as passive abuse. His being overbearing and is bang out of order.

He needs to find out the answers as to why he is dealing with this whole situation in the way he is, however it would appear he won't take advice from those close to him to find out whats going on in his head. His not helping himself.

It's not disimilar to how my partner and I are really; she has a close family who she loves; close friends and good social network and worries about the distance, me? Well I can't stand my family, many of whom are influenced by the wrong things and I don't need the hassle. Mates? Luv em but don't see enough of them and of course I will miss them but I will make others.

What we have done is constantly sit down and talk about this whole process, and yes we intend to go out however the deal is not done yet.

I can see her concerns and I would hate to think I was selfish enough not to take heed of where she is coming from; he needs to even more so as you have children together. I joked once in the forum about going without her, I don't think I could do it she is my life really.

He needs to get his priorities right, sort his own head out, consider the career his in, make time for his family and discuss the future.

You stay put for now girl, if the foundations arent right here, now what will they be like when you have no one around for you?

You sound person. Top advice. Going to send karma if can work out how and lots of smiles
Good man

It'll be very lonely

Exactly rock and a hard place.

It's hard when He doesn't think there is anything wrong and I think has convinced himself of this.

I feel like i'm asking very little of him so that we can go and live his dream and he can do have this fantastic job.

I feel if I put my foot down and refuse to go it'll have terrible repurcusions here and that I feel would be equal to me feeling alone and miserable out there so I can't make the decision either way i'm sat on teh fence

Please excuse me for saying this - but I think that at best, he's being terribly self-centred, and at worse, he's treating you like a doormat. Marriages are supposed to be a partnership, but from what you've said here (which I understand is only the very basic facts), he's operating in solo mode. It's all about his dream, his job, his career. At the very least you need to build yourself an iron-clad escape route from Oz - I strongly recommend you hang onto the house - you can use a good agency that will take care of all the day-to-day running, who will vet tennants and deal with the adminstration of it. You know - you *may* find you do love Australia, but everything you're worried about now could also come to fruition and you'll be stuck 12,000 miles from here with no-one to turn to in times of crisis. It's a nasty situation, but Jen - you need to stand up for yourself now.

If he has access to this forum, if you think it COULD help (but then again if there is any chance he could fly off the handle DON'T) I'd be inclined to think about letting him read this subject, maybe the response of others will make him step back for long enough to see that if he carries on as he is, then he could be throwing his family away.

Maybe see what others think before you do that though.

He knows I use this forum and does check it now and then and I can tell you exactly what he'll say.

I've been on here 'slagging him off again' and after that he will switch off again.

I don't think he knows he's doing it Hutch, but when you try and point it out to him he refuses to believe it. then you'll get a few comments of 'I can't do anything right' .......
I wish someone else would talk to him, I can't ask dad as he is uncomfortable talking about Australia and there is no one else really.

He thinks i'm fighting against him but all I want is for us to be able to count on each other, and rely on each other, be able to talk about anything and everything and know if the other needs us we will drop whatever to be with them, it's all I ask and in return i'll try the life out there i'll give it a good go.
Until he understands that I just feel i'm going to be sitting on the fence feeling pushed away