JenJen

We've just had a call from the dr's to arrange the medicals for next week, due to a mix up we'd been put back on the waiting list instead of being put on the appointment list.

In that same phone call it hit me how unsure I am about going.

There's a few personal reasons that I won't go into but then there's:

Not long started a new job, it's a change of career too and i've been enjoying it so far.
I have my horse riding each week, not my horses but I love them to bits and really enjoy it.
Then there's my dad whose disabled and lives on his own (15 minute walk from my house).
My mum and her husband live close by.
My small circle of trusted friends that i've built up, that are always there and vice versa, I couldn't replace them.

Hubby isn't leaving much behind and i'm sure thats his reasoning for being so determined to go despite my doubts. His parents have decided they have so much on they're plate they thought going to see one of they're friends (who wasn't on deaths door) was more important than seeing one of their grandsons on his birthday yesterday and my little boy was upset. He has no contact with his brother at all although he only lives 6 miles up the road haven't seen him in 4 years.
He has friends but none that he spends alot of time with.

Could I send him on his own?

curly

Hi Jen

Sorry that you're in a bit of turmoil at the moment

Dunno if I've mis-read your post but do you mean send your OH to Oz on his own????

JenJen

No you've not misread it Curly hun, what do you reckon? Send him out there to live and we go and visit in the holidays etc?

Sorry just feel upset about it all right now

Cheetah7

Jen, I understand exactly the turmoil you are going through.

My Dad isnt well at the moment (heart probs) and Im scared as well.

Ive started a job I like and suddenly I am seeing the beauty in my surroundings more now than ever - hell I even love my train sometimes

I reckon its all part and package of the process and something that no amount of preparation can help you deal with it.

Why didnt we realise how much we loved someone when we started it all?

Why didn't we change jobs before we applied or do we only like our jobs because we know we can 'escape'?

And why do we only truly open our eyes to our lives when we know we are leaving it behind to start a different life in another country?

I liken it to when you hand in your notice in a job, it suddenly becomes nice. You are happy and relaxed because you are leaving and suddenly people are making an extra special effort for you.

Collections/birthday cards - you are made to feel so special for that day.

But at the end of the day people get on with their lives and things go back to normal.

Perhaps we are seeing our lives differently because we are happier and more relaxed because we know we have the option to leave.

I tell myself that if we didnt get the visa, would we be happy in our current lives in the UK forever?

And the answer for me at least, is no.

You sould not make any decisions of sending your hubby away on his own. Talk to him for as long as it takes to iron out any issues before you act.

Good luck, you are not alone though.

Kapri

Jen - I'm in a different situation to you.
I don't really enjoy my job, I have no friends in this area and Mum lives miles away.
I'm still worried about emigrating
It sounds like you have more to lose though so think carefully.

freckles1970

Hey

Sound like a week for people feeling scared, I posted a similar message a few days ago.

I kinda figure that you have to follow what your heart tells you

Was it a joint decision to consider moving to OZ or was it mainly your OH?

If is was a joint decision, I think what you are feeling now is just nerves....I think the whole meds things makes things feel like they are moving along and past a point when it's just testing the water.

If it is mainly your other half that has been driving things, I think you really need to have a long heart to heart and speak about how you feel.

I wish you all the best and hope you make the right decision for all of you.

JenJen

I think it's why hubby has no qualms about going, the job he has right now is far from convenient or conducive to a good family life, it's better for a single guy or a couple but not a family.

It was never my idea to live thousands of miles away, I'm a home body always have been so it was always a struggle when hubby made the decision and he made it at the interview he had.
I don't blame him, I have dreams too and I know for him this is a dream that he wants to come true, I don't want to wreck that dream for him but it never figured in my plans before and although i've tried very hard to be apart of the dream so far circumstances of the last few months have to an extent pushed us apart.

I don't think i'm looking through rose tinted glasses, my job isn't my dream job but it could certainly be a big stepping stone up to my dream job and have something for me which is my horse riding, my family and friends network has been in place a while and it's not always hunky dory but it's good and reliable and I know if I need any of them they will be there be it night or day for me.

If it was only as easy as talking to him about it. I have tried so hard to talk to him about many things i've been unhappy with, he brushes off problems with an it'll be ok and always has an answer for problems without really understanding them or listening.

It's not miserable all the time but I feel increasingly we are leading seperate lives and this bothers me. But what bothers me more is that I know going over there I won't be able to work at least not for the first year or more realistically 3 years. I would have to work incredibly hard at building new friendships out there, Hubby would be working better but still unfamily friendly hours out there and it would be me and the kids basically on our own half the time, internet is brilliant but....
It'll be hard for me to have something for me out there like my horseriding that I have here, I don't pay to do it I ride a friends horses as and when it fits in around when my husband or dad can help with the kids.
An trying to be involved in meet ups etc will be hard cause of hubby's potential working hours so thats not going to help me to meet people.

I just don't know what the answer is I wish I had one so everyone would be happy.

asher

Jen have you discussed this with OH?

have you thought about renting out your house and going for a specified length of time and then evaluating? Is OH willing to meet you half way?

it is very scarey especially when its not your dream.

I have OH in Oz and me here and its very lonely even though we never lived in each others pockets.

take care love

((((((((HUGS)))))))))

JenJen

yes have tried very hard to talk to him about everything he doesn't like it an either switches off or it gets into an impossible discussion. He's already thought about renting the house out and has decided against it.

His way or the highway - no middle ground - no compromise

It's very scarey. I want my kids to have a good life but feel I would essentially be giving up everything for hubby and the kids - and there's no guaruntee the kids would be happy. I honestly think hubby would be and that is currently the only reason to go is for his happiness, yet at the same time knowing we have growing communication issues. I love him don't get me wrong.

I feel like i'm in an impossible situation and have no idea what to do. I want everyone to be happy, but selfishly I would like to be happy too.

I hope your plans are coming on Asher and you and hubby will be reunited soon now you've had your thumbs up

xx

asher

Jen

this sounds like Jazzy's situation from the other side!!

your OH needs a heads up that you have sincere worries about this and that you love him so are willing to give it a try but he also has to make the commitment to come back after x number of years if you hate it. you need to know that your marriage is more important than Aus.

if he cant or wont compromise then I think marriage guidance would be a good option.

lifes a bitch aint it

have another 5 months before getting to Oz

movin'on

Hi there
I've noticed a few of your posts and you always seem so encouraging and positive!! It is perfectly natural to feel nervous and scared. We moved to Bermuda 6 years ago - 4 months after my mum died. I had a REALLY hard time for the first year, maybe even the first 2 but now I would not change anything. There are friends and my sister who I miss SO much but it really is easy to make friends with the ex-pat lifestyle. Because you are away from friends and family and your normal lives you are free to do whatever YOU want. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing my old friends, going to the pub and doing my day to day things, but once we moved overseas I started doing things I never would have done before because I was in my routine and didn't feel like stepping out of my comfort zone.

Just from reading this forum, I don't think it would be so hard meeting new friends - out here you just here an English accent and you start up a conversation because you immediately have something in common. Of course I have Bermudian friends too but I have made them in a more traditional way through work etc. Imagine going to the park, hearing someone speak and starting up a conversation, swapping numbers and becoming friends!! That's happened to me on a few occasions.

I think you do need to talk to your OH about how you are feeling. I think sometimes men hear a doubt and think you are about to try to change everything so they panic and switch off or dismiss what we are trying to say, when all we want is for them to listen and understand! It's amazing how much better that makes us feel!!!

The fact taht you already have an interest you love is a great starting point to meet friends. Even if you are not working, you have a right to insist on a time for your OH to be home and look after the kids (presuming you have them!!) while you do your activity. It doesn't matter how demanding his job is, he can do that once or twice a week.

My advice, after feeling your positive vibes on other posts (oh and enjoying your photo of Sawyer!!) is to go for it - make a deal with your OH to give it 2-3yrs, get your citizenship, then make a decision. We gave it 3 yrs, I actually wanted to leave but agreed to another couple, we are approaching our 7th year and now we are both ready to go. Oz is on the horizon!!

I wish you every luck and am sending good feelings to you. Follow your heart, ignore the fear! If your heart says no then it's time for a serious chat!! (By the way - good friends for me have remained good friends and most people are still doing exactly what they were doing 6yrs ago!!!)

xxxxx

Australia_bound?

Always assumed you had very few doubts!
After this post wonder why you ever agreed to go?
Good luck whatever the outcome, I hope you find a way that is best for all concerned

TraceyW

You're not selfish, you have just as much right as the rest of the family to be happy. Take a look at your lives where you are; who's unhappy? The kids? You?(you don't sound it) or is it your hubby?

You state this was his dream and you've basically gone along with it to enable him to fulfill it. But there comes a point where he has to listen to you and understand your fears, after all, this is about the whole family, not just him.

I doubt if you go into the MBTTUK section, but there have been a few posts about women being here, unhappily so, whilst their hubbies are living their dreams. Even some (megansmummy, Mcmercer) where they couldn't take anymore and took their kids back home without their husbands. What will you do if ever this is the scenario for you here? Would he be prepared to go home with you if you were unhappy?

People will say that it's just nerves that you're feeling, but sometimes our gut instincts know more than we give them credit for. Think long and hard about what you're doing. You reckon you enjoy your life where you are, so, as the old saying goes; "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I wish you all the best.

Wendy

I agree with Tracey.

I really think you both need to sit down and talk, and more importantly - listen.

I really don't think you should come over, at least not just now.

Hutch

Jen - I read your post and I had a flashback to some posts people have made in the MB2UK forum. I really, really, don't think you should be going at this stage. The way you feel now - particularly the fact that it's your husbands dream that you've been rail-roaded into - sounds like a stuck-in-oz-and-hate-it story waiting to happen. I don't think it's nerves, I don't think it's jitters and I don't think it's apprehension - you simply have a very good life where you are and you stand to lose it all because of a one-sided emigration dream.

As a bloke I know how pig-headed we can be, but you've really got to lay it on the line with your husband. If he continues to give you the brush off then I think you should say you're not going - if your marriage is fragile now, then it'll shatter under the stress of relocating to Australia. I've said it before and I'll say it again - emigrating isn't a 'dream' - it's life. It's not a fairy tale where all our wishes come true, but the usual routine of the daily grind. As you've explained - he's apparently giving up nothing - a job he doesn't like, no social circle, family that doesn't communicate. Meanwhile you're giving up everything ... for his benefit. Sounds like the most one-sided deal ever if you ask me. How do your kids feel about the move?