How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
Feb 17th 2008 | 11:06 am
#31
you lucky, lucky b'stard!
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 381
From: Secret Harbour
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
Answer, he doesnt, you are the adult, you make the decisions.
After a few months he'll thank you for it.
Answer, he doesnt, you are the adult, you make the decisions.
After a few months he'll thank you for it.
Feb 17th 2008 | 11:30 am
#32
Retired
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 34,646
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
It has now come down to this.
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
I may be reading between the lines here, and hence you don't have to answer the question if it's out of order, but you should ask yourself if you would have posted the same thing if the child was biologically yours.
Feb 17th 2008 | 11:43 am
#33
Proudly Deplorable
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 24,249
From: Alloha snack bar
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
It has now come down to this.
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
Feb 17th 2008 | 2:04 pm
#34
Officially Bewildered
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5,523
From: Blue Mountains, NSW
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
Lynne
Feb 17th 2008 | 2:30 pm
#35
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 385
From: Brisbane - Thornlands
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
I really feel for you, so many of us have been in similar situations. Thing is, if your son struggles with change then not going will not really help him with that issue. Its up to you to be strong and open, honest and fair. Get the X on side, explain that you need his help to do what is best for your son, after all he's not exactly rushing you to court for custody is he. 
I've said this before, being a parent isn't about being popular or liked, often its about taking the unpopular decisions.
We all need to remember who the parent is and who is the child (I will certainly admit to sometimes being the child!) Some parents can take a step back and make the move without their children, some can't - we're all different. Thing is to keep your (his) options open, get him on the visa and validated at the very least.
I really do hope that this can be ok for you.
Take Care
Tracey
I've said this before, being a parent isn't about being popular or liked, often its about taking the unpopular decisions.
We all need to remember who the parent is and who is the child (I will certainly admit to sometimes being the child!) Some parents can take a step back and make the move without their children, some can't - we're all different. Thing is to keep your (his) options open, get him on the visa and validated at the very least.I really do hope that this can be ok for you.
Take Care
Tracey
Feb 17th 2008 | 3:26 pm
#36
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 814
From: In the hilly bit around Perth WA :)
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
I'm afraid i'm of the harder line, whilst his feelings would be considered he wouldn't be holding us to ransom because of school and school friends.
As far as I see it he as 2 choices, go with you or move in with his dad.
Neither will seem to suit him but this is how you grow up, not all lifes choices are easy ones.
Of course this is just me and others feel different entirely, whatever happens, good luck.
As far as I see it he as 2 choices, go with you or move in with his dad.
Neither will seem to suit him but this is how you grow up, not all lifes choices are easy ones.
Of course this is just me and others feel different entirely, whatever happens, good luck.
Feb 17th 2008 | 4:54 pm
#37
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 35
From: Adelaide
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
We had similar amateur dramatics from my eldest daughter. You are ruining my life, so I'll ruin yours and be miserable.
In the end, we sat her down and told her we loved her. However she was and is part of a family and we as her parents have to do some tough things sometimes. But for the good of the whole family, hard decisions have to be made. We told her about the importance of quality of life and why we felt Australia had more to offer all of us but especially her.
We told her that she may never speak to us again but that in the meantime, we would be buying a ticket and we would expect her to be on the plane with us. If she wanted to live with someone else, fine she could that but only when she had come to Australia with us and got the citizenship so she then had options. She could come for university but not before. We would be back on holidays.
She cried all the way through this conversation. It helped considerably that both her father and I sat next to each other and opposite her. It reinforced the position that we were agreed on this and were not going to be divided.
Over the next few weeks, she threatened exactly the same as your son. I told her she was behaving like the child she is and not the adult she thought she was. She was told in no uncertain terms that she could run away if she wished. However, in response to that threat, I could do as I wish and send her to a boarding school just as easily as take her with me. That way she would be in the Uk, away from her family and her friends, not seeing them during holidays as she would be in Aus or with her family in Aus and seeing her friends during holidays back to the UK. I confiscated her phone, denied her access to the home phone, computer etc to reinforce the point.
It sounds excessive and it probably was but I am the parent and I reserve the right to make the decisions I feel are necessary in the best interests of my child. I will not be dictated to by a child.
Incidentally, we arrived in April of last year, all of us, and although she was upset at having to say goodbye, she has settled in well, made new friends, keeps in touch with some of the old ones, is planning what to do on our hol back this Oct and has admitted that we were right.
With the case of your ex-husband, I would ask him to support your position. You have said that he will support your position if he thinks it is in the best interests of the child and you respect that. Ask him to support you with your son and ask him to back you up, in a meeting with your son face to face. Your son needs to know that he cannot run back to his dad on this one, until a later date (when he is 16/18 or something).
Libby
PS Good luck on this one...I am grateful I don't have to go through that again!!!!!
In the end, we sat her down and told her we loved her. However she was and is part of a family and we as her parents have to do some tough things sometimes. But for the good of the whole family, hard decisions have to be made. We told her about the importance of quality of life and why we felt Australia had more to offer all of us but especially her.
We told her that she may never speak to us again but that in the meantime, we would be buying a ticket and we would expect her to be on the plane with us. If she wanted to live with someone else, fine she could that but only when she had come to Australia with us and got the citizenship so she then had options. She could come for university but not before. We would be back on holidays.
She cried all the way through this conversation. It helped considerably that both her father and I sat next to each other and opposite her. It reinforced the position that we were agreed on this and were not going to be divided.
Over the next few weeks, she threatened exactly the same as your son. I told her she was behaving like the child she is and not the adult she thought she was. She was told in no uncertain terms that she could run away if she wished. However, in response to that threat, I could do as I wish and send her to a boarding school just as easily as take her with me. That way she would be in the Uk, away from her family and her friends, not seeing them during holidays as she would be in Aus or with her family in Aus and seeing her friends during holidays back to the UK. I confiscated her phone, denied her access to the home phone, computer etc to reinforce the point.
It sounds excessive and it probably was but I am the parent and I reserve the right to make the decisions I feel are necessary in the best interests of my child. I will not be dictated to by a child.
Incidentally, we arrived in April of last year, all of us, and although she was upset at having to say goodbye, she has settled in well, made new friends, keeps in touch with some of the old ones, is planning what to do on our hol back this Oct and has admitted that we were right.
With the case of your ex-husband, I would ask him to support your position. You have said that he will support your position if he thinks it is in the best interests of the child and you respect that. Ask him to support you with your son and ask him to back you up, in a meeting with your son face to face. Your son needs to know that he cannot run back to his dad on this one, until a later date (when he is 16/18 or something).
Libby
PS Good luck on this one...I am grateful I don't have to go through that again!!!!!
Feb 17th 2008 | 5:08 pm
#38
Proudly Deplorable
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 24,249
From: Alloha snack bar
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
We had similar amateur dramatics from my eldest daughter. You are ruining my life, so I'll ruin yours and be miserable.
In the end, we sat her down and told her we loved her. However she was and is part of a family and we as her parents have to do some tough things sometimes. But for the good of the whole family, hard decisions have to be made. We told her about the importance of quality of life and why we felt Australia had more to offer all of us but especially her.
We told her that she may never speak to us again but that in the meantime, we would be buying a ticket and we would expect her to be on the plane with us. If she wanted to live with someone else, fine she could that but only when she had come to Australia with us and got the citizenship so she then had options. She could come for university but not before. We would be back on holidays.
She cried all the way through this conversation. It helped considerably that both her father and I sat next to each other and opposite her. It reinforced the position that we were agreed on this and were not going to be divided.
Over the next few weeks, she threatened exactly the same as your son. I told her she was behaving like the child she is and not the adult she thought she was. She was told in no uncertain terms that she could run away if she wished. However, in response to that threat, I could do as I wish and send her to a boarding school just as easily as take her with me. That way she would be in the Uk, away from her family and her friends, not seeing them during holidays as she would be in Aus or with her family in Aus and seeing her friends during holidays back to the UK. I confiscated her phone, denied her access to the home phone, computer etc to reinforce the point.
It sounds excessive and it probably was but I am the parent and I reserve the right to make the decisions I feel are necessary in the best interests of my child. I will not be dictated to by a child.
Incidentally, we arrived in April of last year, all of us, and although she was upset at having to say goodbye, she has settled in well, made new friends, keeps in touch with some of the old ones, is planning what to do on our hol back this Oct and has admitted that we were right.
With the case of your ex-husband, I would ask him to support your position. You have said that he will support your position if he thinks it is in the best interests of the child and you respect that. Ask him to support you with your son and ask him to back you up, in a meeting with your son face to face. Your son needs to know that he cannot run back to his dad on this one, until a later date (when he is 16/18 or something).
Libby
PS Good luck on this one...I am grateful I don't have to go through that again!!!!!
In the end, we sat her down and told her we loved her. However she was and is part of a family and we as her parents have to do some tough things sometimes. But for the good of the whole family, hard decisions have to be made. We told her about the importance of quality of life and why we felt Australia had more to offer all of us but especially her.
We told her that she may never speak to us again but that in the meantime, we would be buying a ticket and we would expect her to be on the plane with us. If she wanted to live with someone else, fine she could that but only when she had come to Australia with us and got the citizenship so she then had options. She could come for university but not before. We would be back on holidays.
She cried all the way through this conversation. It helped considerably that both her father and I sat next to each other and opposite her. It reinforced the position that we were agreed on this and were not going to be divided.
Over the next few weeks, she threatened exactly the same as your son. I told her she was behaving like the child she is and not the adult she thought she was. She was told in no uncertain terms that she could run away if she wished. However, in response to that threat, I could do as I wish and send her to a boarding school just as easily as take her with me. That way she would be in the Uk, away from her family and her friends, not seeing them during holidays as she would be in Aus or with her family in Aus and seeing her friends during holidays back to the UK. I confiscated her phone, denied her access to the home phone, computer etc to reinforce the point.
It sounds excessive and it probably was but I am the parent and I reserve the right to make the decisions I feel are necessary in the best interests of my child. I will not be dictated to by a child.
Incidentally, we arrived in April of last year, all of us, and although she was upset at having to say goodbye, she has settled in well, made new friends, keeps in touch with some of the old ones, is planning what to do on our hol back this Oct and has admitted that we were right.
With the case of your ex-husband, I would ask him to support your position. You have said that he will support your position if he thinks it is in the best interests of the child and you respect that. Ask him to support you with your son and ask him to back you up, in a meeting with your son face to face. Your son needs to know that he cannot run back to his dad on this one, until a later date (when he is 16/18 or something).
Libby
PS Good luck on this one...I am grateful I don't have to go through that again!!!!!
Feb 17th 2008 | 7:34 pm
#39
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,998
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
For a while during the emigration process our children were known as "I'm not going" and "You can't make me". After a couple of weeks and a firm NO you cannot live with us from my parents and sisters they changed to "Well maybe" and "But I won't like it". They were given a choice by us...Come where we tell them to live or find someone who is willing to raise them to adulthood with no financial input from us. Surprisingly after asking all of their school friends' parents nobody volunteered to raise them.
We've now lived in Australia for 18 months and my children are happier than pigs in poo. They would now never dream of leaving Australia permanently. Saying that, my daughter does want to do her veterinary degree back in Canada, but come back here to practice once she graduates.
We've now lived in Australia for 18 months and my children are happier than pigs in poo. They would now never dream of leaving Australia permanently. Saying that, my daughter does want to do her veterinary degree back in Canada, but come back here to practice once she graduates.
Feb 17th 2008 | 8:52 pm
#40
one day rodders !!!
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,216
From: Helensvale where else!
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
we told our kids just come and stay for 2yrs to get citizenship then they can come and go whenever they wanted !
they were all up for it (until the daughter met an idiot)
good luck only you can decide
jan xx
they were all up for it (until the daughter met an idiot)
good luck only you can decide
jan xx
Feb 17th 2008 | 9:23 pm
#41
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,383
From: 'stralia
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
If his alternatives are to move with you to Australia or move to live with his dad, and both mean being in new places, new school, new friends....
then which would he rather? He's obviously going for secret option c, manipulate mother to make the family do what he wants.
I agree with those who say that 13 is too young to make the decision. When I was 11 I decided which school I wanted to go to, and it was wrong. Looking back, I wish I'd gone to the new school where I didn't know anyone! But of course as an eleven year old I just wanted to stay with my mates. As the parent, your job is to make decisions for your children to give them the best start in life. Especially at 13 - that's still a child really, not the same as a 19 year old who could realistically live independently and make all their own decisions.
then which would he rather? He's obviously going for secret option c, manipulate mother to make the family do what he wants.
I agree with those who say that 13 is too young to make the decision. When I was 11 I decided which school I wanted to go to, and it was wrong. Looking back, I wish I'd gone to the new school where I didn't know anyone! But of course as an eleven year old I just wanted to stay with my mates. As the parent, your job is to make decisions for your children to give them the best start in life. Especially at 13 - that's still a child really, not the same as a 19 year old who could realistically live independently and make all their own decisions.
Feb 17th 2008 | 10:36 pm
#42
Just Joined
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2
Re: How does a 13yr old decide our future ?
It has now come down to this.
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
My 13yr old is from a previous marriage, I have now re married and have 2 more kids.
All of us want to go to Australia apart from him, I know his situation is harder because of his age and leaving his Dad and school. But his reason for leaving isn't even his Dad, it's his mates and school.
I spoke to his Dad last week and basically ask'd him if he would allow us to go and i explained to him that i wouldn't fight this if his decision was no.
He is not a selfish man(well not now anyway), I know if he thinks it's better for his son he will let him go.
I spoke to him last night and he basically has said" if son wants to go he will never stop him doing what he wants to do"
But if he doesn't want to go he wont allow it.
I wouldn't leave him here with his Dad, this isn't an option.
What to do now ?
