daisydaydream

HI All,

New member!! New Member!! I have been reading all your amazing threads for a while and thought it time I join in.

So short introduction.

There's me my DH and 2 DD I am hoping to move from Bolton Lancashire to Melbourne this year, I'm hoping to transfer with work but i am also going through the visa process in parallel "just in case", But I have hit my first problem . My eldest DD is 16 she will be 17 in May this year, we have discussed the subject of OZ with her for a while and she has been very indecisive about the whole thing, which I understand its a difficult time for her, over the past week she has stated that she defiantly will not move to OZ with us.

I have tried to reason with her and explain that she should just give it a try 6 months or so to see what she thinks, I have sympathised that "yes it will be difficult for all of us for a while but that she has nothing to lose", we will be there to support her, she will make new friends, she could even go to college and study, that the lifestyle change may do her the world of good. "All the reasons you can think" Ive tried them all, But she is adamant that she wont even try it out.

HELP what do I do, me and my DH really want to make this move but as a family unit with both our children, now I feel so awful that I'm willing to abandon her (ok maybe a bit dramatic she can stay with my mum and dad if she doesn't come and we would support her as best we can ) for our own selfish reasons.

I just feel such a rubbish parent that I'm even considering leaving her behind. :scared: :scared:

Wendy

I know where you are coming from with this, I am leaving my 18 year old behind - he was 17 when we started all this.

My advice is to put her on the application anyway as you will have to send Meds, Police checks etc for her anyway. Then whilst all this is going on she MAY change her mind. If not then you have lost nothing, but she will have a Visa so if she decides to come out later on she can. The only thing with that is that she would have to validate her visa within 12 months like yourselves.

Just remember not to put pressure on her, after all she is an adult and has to make her own life decisions.

Good Luck

moneypenny20

First off, don't feel bad you are certainly not alone. I would get her on the application regardless of what she says now and try and get her to at least validate so her options are kept open.

Go ahead with you plans, involve her with what is going on and she may come round, but at some point she would be upping and leaving you behind anyway, that's the way with kids.

Try a search. Stacks of people have had to leave one or more child behind, some have been little as well

kiwichild

This is a difficult situation.
I would try to have a chat with her, explain why you want to try oz and that you appreciate she is soon a young adult and no doubt has her own ideas what she wants to do with her life.

Perhaps you can let her know you will support her emotionally (phone calls etc) financially too as you are able to, if you move.

Emphasise you love her adn aren't abandoning her. That she can stay with her grandparents while you try oz for a year.

By then she will be 18 and more able to look after herself, live on campus, get student allowances etc

Tell her if you stay in oz you will arrange a holiday there for her so she can see it first hand but go back to UK if she wants.

I think at her age its about reassuring her of your love and support and explaining why you feel its important for you to go, and making sure you keep options open for her, ie if she feels sad or life turns to shite, she can come to oz.

You can't demand she come, so forget that tack, it would only breed resentment and she could runaway and put herself in danger.

Also discuss this fully with your parents and get their thoughts and try to work together for the best solution possible.

It's a fact of life she has her own mind and at her age will exercise her 'power' anyway she can if she feels she has no options or say in her
future.

Good luck with it all

Juliecabs

Hi Daisy,
My eldest daughter will be 17 in May too, but fortunately for us, she can't wait to get there. We've been lucky enough to have a holiday over there so she has seen just what the country has to offer.
There are reasons why she could stay here. ie boyfriend of 18 months who's crazy about her , loads of mates, half way through her A Levels etc., but she is still determined to go. I have just enrolled her at the local TAFE (college) on a hairdressing course and she's looking forward to that. Sure she has her "off" days when she wonders if she should go, but she realises that she's too young to settle down with the same boyfriend at her age, and that her mates will always be there for her if they truly are "good" mates.
As others have said on here, she'll need to go through the whole medicals etc anyway, and if she validates her visa with you, she could always come back and then have 5 years to go back out there again.
Is she on MSN? If so, PM me her address and I'll get my daughter to email her and tell her how good it is over there
Hope this helps.
Good Luck!
Julie. x
BTW, Welcome to BE!

daisydaydream

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies. I totally agree I intend on applying for my eldest visa and hope that she will make the initial trip to validate and then as you say "she can always come back" when and If (fingers crossed) she changes her mind.

I have not pressured her into coming and I realise she is a young adult who can and is entitled to make up her own mind, but I do so wish she will reconsider. I will keep up with offering her support and love, but I'm not to sure she understands our reasons for wanting to go. " she thinks I am being very selfish leaving my parents and taking there grandchildren so far away".

I do question our motives sometimes and like everyone on here I have been getting "cold feet" from time to time.

Julie, I'm not sure what her ID is on MSM but thanks so much for the offer of help, I have tried to show her websites etc regarding the shopping and nightlife (which is what she is interested in at the moment), We are hoping to be gone by the end of this year but if not we will be going Xmas 2006 to visit family so I am hoping she will come with us and get a bit of an incite into what the place is like.

I know I need to stop feeling so guilty but its difficult as a parent not to, she is still so young and needs us there for support and no matter how much I say it she just thinks that we are abandoning her.

Well I'm sure this will be one of many posts re the roller coaster ride of migration.

Thanks Again

XXX

Tiggs+Graz

You are definitely not alone with this!
Our eldest was not happy about moving to oz but we managed to find a compromise...
We have put off our application/move for about 18 months so that by the time we are ready to move he will be 18 and finished his alevels. We will be including him on our application and he will come with us on the validation trip so he will have a valid visa and can come and go as he likes.
We have said that it is completely up to him if he wants to come with us or stay in the uk. (There will be plenty of family here to support for him if he stays so we don't feel like we are abandoning him!)
The upshot of this is that he is looking at universities in oz and it is looking like he will come with us - at least for the 3/4 years he is at uni.

Being able to give him the opportunity to make his own decision on this has made all the difference to him.

Tiggs
(hope this makes sense - the kids have started up a riot in the living room and i am having trouble concentrating on my typing!) x

michellemac

Hi Daisy,

Good to see you are going to apply anyway for her - its a good idea and keeps her options open. She's proably being a typical teenager and ttrying to assert some sort of independence.

However, I do have to say I was a bit at your post (and not just yours but most of the posts about 15, 16, 17 year olds and whether they "want" to join their parents when emigrating - obviously not if one parent is in UK, one going away, but I mean when the child would be "left behind" with no parents)! When I was 16 I didn't have any choice in where I lived I had to live where my parents told me to live, had we emigrated or moved countries I imagine I would have been excited about that anyway but honestly the decision wouldn't have been anything to do with me (although obviously they would have catered for my brother and I when deciding where to live).

TBH - my opinion is this - if she is expecting you to support her financially (i.e with a house and food and bills and clothes and paying for college etc) then surely she should go along with your emigration plans!! I never even had a "choice" where I lived (or even where we went on holidays or that matter although obviously my parents catered for us!!) when I was that age!
PS - not a criticism of you or your parenting methods, just trying to say that if you want to go then you should, to an extent, feel you have a "right" to "make" her go too (as should every other parent who decides to emigrate/move house/not go to Centre Parcs for their holidays).

Michelle

Tiggs+Graz

if she really doesnt want to go then 'making' her is going to to be very difficult and extremely stressfull!! :scared:

LOTTIE26

You could always say when you go out that you want her to come out for a few weeks when you go out so she goe's out with you and she may change her mind when she sees what sort of life she could lead first hand.
Good luck I hope she changes her mind.

michellemac

RRe:difficult - not really. She can choose to be financially and emotionally supported in Australia with her parents who love her or stay in the UK and make her own way.

Re Stressful - probably but then having a 16 year old is always going to be stressful no matter what :scared:

chances are she will most likely change her mind anyway!

Michelle

daisydaydream

Hi Michelle,

I do agree with you to a certain extent, If I could drag her there kicking and screaming I would. BUT it would be kicking and screaming. :scared:

She is nearly 17 and is legally entitled to leave home " if she chooses to, or stay in this country if that is her choice and my parents have expanded that choice as they dont really agree with what I am doing and rather than backing me and explaining that it would be a great experience for her , they have undermined our choice of migration and said that eldest daughter can stay with them, yet in the next breath they have said " They dont really want the responsibility". So my head is spinning with it all at the moment.

I could put up with the teenage strops and sulks and moans, I just want her to give it a chance and see what she thinks. I'm sure if we can stay calm and discuss the options and there are lots then she will eventually give it a go.

Tiggs+Graz

You could be right with this - when faced with the choice of being with their parents or supporting themselves not many 16/17 year olds are actually going to go it alone !

Tiggs

Margaret2

I'm a bad parent to, and am taking my 14 year old , kicking and screaming and sulking all the way

Wendy

That's awful that your parents are behaving like that. Even if they don't agree with your decision they really shouldn't be turning your daughter against you.

I really think the best thing for you to do it to have a holiday there and take her with you. See how she feels after that. My son said he definately didn't want to go within the next 5 - 10 years so didn't get put on the application, but I think now he's realising what a mistake he has made by closing the door on the option.

Although my situation is a little different in that he is going to University in September and he had already planned his courses etc before the chance to emmigrate came up. We also told him at the very beginning that we would not be able to help him financially after we move to Oz, (between us lot, I will be giving his Grandma some "emergency" money )

Just tell her whatever happens you will be there for her. You never know she may come round.