cresta57

I agree, at 16 he's the kid & you're the adults. Like I said above ours was adamant she wasn't coming with us. To the point that she "escaped" from the Grandparents 48 hours before we flew out & we didn't find her until 2 hours before we set off for LHR. Tears & tantrums all the way to Thailand, then she calmed down had a cocktail in a real pineapple [non alcoholic] & got on with her "new" life.
She's a mum now with 2 great kids & says she'll never go back. At 16 she was mature enough to go out drinking with mates, start an apprenticeship & think/thought she knew where she wanted to be.
A year ago at her daughters birthday she took me to one side & tearfully thanked me for making her come with us. Hey ho it worked in our case, it may not for others but it's only the cost of a flight for one if it turns sour

travelling_annie

Thanks for all the advice, folks.

The plan has always been to put him into high school as soon as he arrives as I think if we did he would settle no problem he is a really sociable kid and will have no problems making new friends.

I have even suggested that he give it a year and if he is miserable I will pay for a flight home. His school have even agreed to hold his place for him so he can do his final year with his current peer group if need be.

The real spanner in the works for us is that his Dad (who he never lived with, has never paid maintenance and never taken any legal responsibility for his son) has said he can stay with him.

Everyone else in the family was quite happy to back us up and say he couldn't stay with them.

A lot of emotion flying about at the moment I am trying to be reasonable with him but it is hard not to take it personally and I realise that emotional blackmail is not the most mature course of action but it is becoming increasingly tempting.

Reaver

Im assuming that his father has no parental rights? It sounds like this person is simply offering a place to stay to spite you. In that case, I would just drag your son with you kicking and screaming. If not for the chance in a life time, just to protect him from the poison of someone who has never given a shit about him.

Spellbound

I'm just going to add to my 'story'.

When we first applied for a visa to come to Australia, my daughter had just turned 17yrs old. The visa took so long to come through that she was almost 18 yrs old when we finally came over.

I tried the kicking and screaming bit to begin with. We were telling her that she didn't have a choice because she was under 18yrs. She soon learnt (and told us) that legally we couldnt make her go because of her age. She was suffering from panic attacks and generally making it clear (acting out) that she was extremely unhappy with us for 'forcing' her to go.

As I said, she was almost 18yrs old by the time we left NZ for Australia and had said that if we forced her to come, she would just go back at 18yrs (2 months later) and I worried that our relationship with her would be damaged forever.

It really didn't help that her friends parents had said that she could live with them without consulting us first and I was very angry that they had done this, as it was out of order IMO. I was relieved though that she was going to live with a family.

They really do settle in very quickly once they get here, particularly if they start school. The Aussie kids are much more friendly here than the UK and more accepting of new 'members' to their groups. (my experience)

I think that I would agree with the majority here and hold your ground, simply say he is going and try and leave it at that. At 16yrs old, he doesn't really have a lot of choice and I can almost guarantee that he will find his feet here very quickly. I definitely would have gone down this route if my daughter was 16 nearly 17 not 17 nearly 18, as she was. School age kids can be placed in school and let the social, outgoing Aussie teenagers do the rest.

Teenagers almost always think that they have a great life but a huge part of that great life is having a nice home to live in, parents who support them emotionally and financially. Parents who pick them up, drive them around feed them and pick up after them and these are all things that teenagers dont really think about until they dont have it.

travelling_annie

So just to make the situation even more interesting I was stripping his bed at the weekend and found rolling papers and several lighters - I wasn't snooping they were lying on his desk!! This coupled with the fact I have thought his eyes have looked decidedly dubious several times over the past few weeks.

Obvious conclusions have been drawn...

I am not a prude, I am well aware he enjoys a drink and I have dabbled quite a bit in my time. However, now I feel he is goading me.

The amateur psychologist in me thinks he wants the decision taken out of his hands but I also know if I read him the riot act it is kind of redundant if I am leaving anyway and I could drive him away all the sooner.

What now?? I feel like I am in an impossible situation

chris and farideh

Our 17 year old didn't want to come over either we told him until the age of 18 we are responsible for him, if he hates it he can moves back when he is 18 that was 4 years ago.
well he hated it he gave us hell but we are the adults & we knew he would loves the place once he stops comparing his old life to his new life, to cut long story shorter he loves it here, he is very very happy he lives in another states from us & studies at uni & visit us during his holiday.
I think at 16 you are still in charge, bring him over if he is not happy at 18 send him away by then he is an adult.

quoll

If there is any way to leave him to do A levels in a safe and secure environment I would do it. Bringing a kid at 16 can be very tricky educationally and he would be far better off coming with A levels then he wont have burned any bridges in either place - if things dont go according to plan for you and you want to return he would be totally stymied with only Aus year 12 qualifications especially if he had any plans for uni.

I would try the tack of totally going along with his plan, working out where he can stay, which school he will be at, how he is going to support himself etc and take the pressure off totally - take it as read that he wont be coming (you can always buy a last minute ticket) and hope that he changes his mind and comes with you.