travelling_annie

So the house is sold, we have organised flights and told our employers and families the date is set for the big move. This move has been in the planning for about the last 6 years as we made sure we had all the required qualifications/funds/commitment required to make it a success.

However, my 16 year old son who has visited Australia 3 times (and loved it) has now decided he is not coming with us as he likes his life in the UK and doesn’t want to change things. I have tried negotiating, suggesting he give it a try for a year and if he hates it I will pay for his ticket back. I have even arranged with his school to treat it as an exchange and hold his place for so he can come back to the same year group if it doesn’t work out.

We validated in April and toured 2 potential high schools so he is not entering the unknown.

I truly believe this move is the best thing for his future as the UK seems to be offering very little in the way of opportunity for young people at the moment.

So, we are pressing ahead as the wheels have been in motion for quite a while and I feel it would be wrong to give in to emotional blackmail. Obviously, I will be gutted and will miss him like mad but I have made it clear he can change his mind at any point and the door will always be open to him.

Anyway, I do remember the narrow world view I had when I was 16 and how I thought my friends would be my friends for ever and I just could not possibly leave them.

Ultimately, all I want for him is to be happy and fulfilled but I am not sure he is mature enough (despite the legal position) to make this decision.

Has anybody else been through a similar experience? How did things turn out?

JAMFC

I haven't been through this exactly but sort of did it the opposite way around, although I was a bit older (18). I left my parents in the UK to come to Australia for a year working holiday. I did leave Australia after 12 months but never lived back with my parents in the UK again....

I don't ever regret what I did and my parents get to come to visit us each year which is lovely (I haven't been back to the UK for about 9 yrs now).

I hope your son changes his mind but if he doesn't I hope everyone can be happy with his decision.

cresta57

Our daughter decided the same thing at 16. Unfortunately/fortunately for her we put our collective feet down. Grandparents as well as other immediate family refused to take her in on the understanding that when she was 18 she could make a choice of where to live. We brought her here kicking & screaming & after 6 months she wouldn't be dragged back to the U.K for love nor money.

travelling_annie

Thanks JAMFC

You have kind of made my point for me - you saw the opportunity, went for it and have made a good life in Oz. I truly believe the move is a positive step for him and whether or not he eventually decides to return to the UK he will have given it a go.

Wendy

I left my 17 (almost 18) year old behind. 5 years on and he is now here with his girlfriend.

Your son is in a better position than mine though, since he has a validated visa. Mine didn't even want to be on the application so has no visa - he's here on a WHV trying to find a sponsor now!

Spellbound

We left a 17yr old daughter behind in NZ (we had lived there for 4 years), when we moved to Aus, as she refused to come. Same as all teenagers, she thought that she had a good life with her friends there and didn't think that she would make friends here in Aus because of her age.

She asked her best friends parents if they would take her in and they agreed without even discussing it with us first and so we felt as though we had our hands tied.

We had all validated our visas earlier in the year, so that was a good thing.

It was heartbreaking on the plane traveling over, knowing that we had left her there. We didn't even have any family in NZ or close friends for that matter, all she had was her friends and a full time job in retail. We told her that it was her choice to stay, that we weren't happy about it and hoped that she would one day change her mind and would always be welcome to live with us. We also told her that she would have to support herself and although it was really hard we basically cut her off and left her to fend for herself.

We left in the October and paid and flew her out for a holiday at Christmas time. We made sure that we did lots of fun things like the theme parks (gold coast) etc.

By early January, I started to get calls from her saying that she wasn't getting on with her best friend as they had a huge row and weren't speaking. She was then asked to leave the home by the parents. She was running out of options and eventually she phoned and said 'book me a ticket' after four months on her own. It was then her decision to move over to Aus and so she came with a very different attitude to make it work.

I do think that if we had forced her to come over with us, we would have put a tremendous strain on our relationship with our daughter and she would have returned to NZ anyway, maybe never returning.

She arrived at the beginning of Feb and has been here for 2.5 yrs now and loves it. She made friends as soon as she started working here and has a really good group of friends who she sees regularly. She has left home and lives with her BF and is currently studying full time at Tafe, hoping to go to Uni early next year.

She went back to NZ last year for a weeks holiday to see those friends she didn't want to leave, and is very glad she came here now. She called NZ 'one giant farm'! (boring)

Our daughter liked her life in NZ but that's when we were living there too. Life isn't so sweet when they dont have they parents to fall back on. They dont realise how much they need us until were gone.

travelling_annie

Thanks all, guess it's as I thought let him come because he wants to not because he has been forced. It is great he has validated his visa that gives him nearly 4 years to change his mind so fingers crossed one more rubbish winter here will seal the deal

quoll

You never can tell what kids will do. One of mine (bit older than yours) went to UK on a "gap year" - never came back other than to clear out his room and send on a few of his favourite books. He has a fabulous career and has done so many things he would never have done here (he grew up here from 6 months) and is unlikely to be back. Kids make their lives with the opportunities that come their way and this may be the best thing for your son, encouraging him to grow up and start taking his own decisions.

macy

Tempting as it must be to force him to come ( I know I would), reading the other posts it seems like the best thing to do is treat him like the adult he wants to be and let him make his own decisions, with parents on the other side of the world it could soon change his mind and I am sure he will eventually want to be with you, lets face it life is pretty good at home with mum and dad and he is probably scared of all the change and the UK just seems the best bet at the moment, I hope for your sake that things work out, nothing worse than being made to do something especially at 16 when you know everything anyway

Jaycee1

Look, its each to their own but..
When we got the visa our daughter who was also 16 and loving UK life did not want to move here - however - we didn't give her a choice.
We were 'ruining her life' having her move to Melbourne.
Well, we did the move, told her she was going back to school and she was in tears crying not wanting to go. It was bloody hard, felt like all we did was upset her for about 2 months moving and school etc.
A week later she was happy as, going to the cinema with new friends and has not looked back. She says she will not return to the UK and loves life here.
This is just our journey, maybe he can come over again when you are settled and see how he feels then about staying. Best wishes x

Rosscarbery

I wouldn't give him the option personally. You say that you truly believe that coming to Oz would be the best thing for his future - for another couple of years he is still the child and you are the grown up so I think you should make that clear to him. You are not his mate and sometimes we have to make decisions that are not popular but ultimately we do the best we can for our kids. It may not be easy, and he might decide to return to the UK on his 18th birthday but if you are thinking that he might not be mature enough to make such a big decision at 16 don't let him. (I have a 17yo btw and there is no way on earth that he would have been living on the other side of the world to me a year ago).

chris955

It's a very difficult age and I certainly wouldn't want to be travelling with a 16 year old boy. My honest feeling is that there are plenty of opportunities in the UK if your son is prepared to put the effort in, just the same as here. Don't forget that youth unemployment here is very high, up over 20% so it's tough all round. At 16 he would have a circle of friends and I assume an active social life so it's a major thing to up sticks on the off chance that things will be 'better' for him.
He really has to decide for himself, if you force him to come can you imagine the outcome ?

curly

We did the same as Jaycee, dragged our 16 year old son here telling him he was coming and that was that! We did tell him that though that at 18, if he could afford it, we couldn't stop him if he wanted to return.
We also put him back into school to do years 11 and 12, which was the best thing we did as he met some great mates from day one! 4 years on he still has the same mates, recently got married and is totally happy here

odyssey

At 16 I think that you just have to force the hand. I wouldnt really push it for months on end but I would take it as read that he is going. Its confusing, I remember when I first arranged to come at 18, booked everything on my own and then 2 weeks before I came I had this realisation that I was actually happy. I didnt want to go in anyway, it was such a final feeling inside me. Anyway my dad was in saudi, he flew home and basically forced me to go (ha ha) - said I'd gone too far to back out and of course promised to give me money to fly home if I didnt like it after 6 months.

I went, within prob 4 months it was all good and then I didnt want to go back to britain. But of course I had to - but thats a different story.

He will thank you for it and you will never settle happily (or at least I wouldnt) if you leave him behind. and once hes 18 its more painful to get a visa.

Let him have his thoughts/feelings/misgivings just dont let them get too out of hand so he believes hes staying

odyssey

And if you say you will pay relocation once hes 18 if he doesnt like it - its just a holiday. He will settle in - I dont agree with the gentleman above who says hes an adult - hes not. At 16 I think hes still a child albeit a large one. You are doing what is best for you all as a family and whether it works out or not is irrelevant.

I also think school or Tafe is the best idea here as kids dont tend to leave until they are 18. I am sure in the very beginning he'll be out of sorts, with "no friends" and "nothing to do" but give him a little settle in and he'll be happy. and you will be moaning like mad, in the returning to the UK forum posting "we want to go home but our 18 year old wants to stay......"