Greenhill

Jesus walks into a bar and asks for a glass of tap water.

Which he turns into wine.

Barman says "What the **** do you think you're doing?"

"Not paying your prices, ****" replies Jesus.

magnumpi

Norwich City 1

Man Unt. 0

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

scrubbedexpat133

Old Joe the postman is working his last day after 40 years of doing the same round, He gets to the first house where he is greeted at the door, 'Thank you Joe for your service, 40 years come rain or shine our post has always been here on time' and they present him with a bottle of the finest scotch money can buy. Old Joe continues on his round and upon arriving at the next house is greeted in the same way and presented with a box of the finest Cuban cigars money can buy. Not a bad day at the office Old Joe thinks and continues on....arriving at the next house wondering how his day could get any better he is greeted at the door by a beautiful tall curvy blonde woman.....come in Joe she says....they go upstairs and she gives him the best seeing to of his life, lying wondering how life gets any better the woman says come down the the kitchen with me where she makes him a breakfast fit for a king, after eating breakfast he says to the woman 'Thank you but I must finnish my round' OK she says but before you leave I need to give you this.....she gives him a 50 pence piece....confused Joe asks 'whats this for??'
she replies last night I asked my husband what we should do for you.....He said FK him give him 50p and the Breakfast was my idea!!

How long

Man goes to the doctor and says `Doctor I keep thinking I`m a moth` À moth`the doctor says, well I can`t hep you, thats not a medical problem, it`s psychological, you need to see a psychiatrist.`I know that`says the man
`So why did you come and see me then ?`says the doc, `Well your light was on.

Dave n Ailsa

I was walking my dog the other day, when we came across an old chinese lady walking a very pretty Border Collie. My dog decided this Collie was "gettin it" and proceeded to mount it and start humping away.

I walked up briskly to the old chinese lady and said "don't worry, he's been snipped"

she replied...

"Is okaay, so as hee"

true story

Maplease

Bloke walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He turns to the barman and says 'One for me and one for the road'.

Auld Yin

An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church
services at The Villages.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of
her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

JonboyE

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones.

Doctor: It's not unusual.

Alan2005

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician went out hunting one day. The engineer saw a bear in the distance and so they all crept up on it. "I'll take the first shot!" he said and sending his shot 3 metres to the right. "You idiot, I'll show you how it's done" said the physicist who then missed by 3 metres to the left. "Yes! we got him!!" said the statistician.

JonboyE

Two engineering students chatting.

Engineering student 1: A funny thing happened the other day. I was walking in the park when a pretty young woman cycled by. When she saw me she stopped, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted.

Engineering student 2: So what did you do?

Engineering student 1: I took the cycle.

Engineering student 2: Good thinking, I doubt her clothes would have fitted you.

Oink

Police arrested two lads yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

Six men were kicking a bloke’s mother-in- law. His wife said, ‘Aren’t you going to help?’
‘No,’ said the bloke, ‘I think six should be enough.’

Jingsamichty

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman can't help but notice that the guy has an enormous orange head.

So, as he hands the pint to they guy, he asks, "Sorry to be so obvious, but I can't help but notice your big orange head. How did that happen?"

"Well," said the guy. "I found this old bottle on the beach, so I picked it up and gave it a rub. Of course, a genie popped out and granted me three wishes."

"For the first wish, I asked for the usual riches - millions in the bank, always have money in my pocket for whatever I want, you know?"

The barman nodded. "And the second wish was...?"

"Oh, have a guess... women. I wanted to be successful with women. Well, I got that too, I now have the ability to charm any woman I want into bed."

"Cool!" said the barman. "And the third wish...?"

"Ahhhh," said the man, with a long sigh. "I wished for a giant orange head."

Greenhill

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a sheep, a priest, a man with a giant orange head and a horse walk into a bar.

Barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"



I was telling sheep jokes the other day.

None of them laughed

Mr Bean

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?



A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream that ran down from one of his fields
Realizing the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realizing the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink. The water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said, dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine English accent.

"Oh I see....," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in..."




A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

caretaker

Yesterday a friend underwent a painfull procedure in which he had his spine and both testicles removed.
He did get some nice wedding presents though.