Why is it so hard?
 

Hello, I've been reading these posts for about a month now and finally plucked up the courage to join in. There are so many posts on here that I can relate to, and I'm glad to see I'm not alone.

I'm not sure where to begin. I've been here since 1993 but did have 4 years back in England from 1996 to 2000, then returned to US. I really want to go back again but things seem much more difficult this time. We now have 2 kids, ages 6 years and 19 months. My 6 year old was quite shy but this year has started to come out of her shell and is making friends. I feel terrible dragging her away from her life. I know it will probably break her heart to leave here. I'm not materialistic so don't care about having a big house but I would like my family to live in a decent area but don't know how we could afford it. My husband says he would like to go back but it's just so scary. He will earn less than half of what he earns here and I know I won't earn much. How do people survive? Back in 2000, we sold our house for around 30,000 pounds, it's recently been sold again for around 90. I really don't know how we could afford to buy anything.

I try to feel positive about living here but the thought of being here forever depresses me. When I think about the person I was when I first arrived here, I wonder what happened to her. I don't have any confidence anymore. I feel like a wilting flower. I feel like I can't move on with my life here.

At the moment, we're just trying to save as much money as we can, but then with the terrible exchange rate, our savings will pretty much be cut in half. I feel very sad that it's so difficult to return to my own country.

My dad lives in Blackpool and says he would put us up for a while but I know it will be hard with kids. I am also thinking that there will be more job prospects around Preston area, although I don't know the area really. My family are in Lancashire so would like to be around there. I still have so many questions and concerns but feel like I'm rambling so I'll wait for responses.

Just reading these posts though have really helped me, especially hearing the good things about UK. Thanks in advance.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

If you don't mind sharing, what's your story behind moving back to the US after returning to the UK?

I'm asking because we (USC hubs) lived in the US 98-2002 and now we've started the process to move back to the US. I'm sure it's the right thing to do for lots of reasons, but hubs is also getting his UK citizenship before we go. Never say never is my motto after being convinced this move back to the UK was the final one!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

To be honest, I'm not sure why. Our first child was born in England and we decided after she was born that we would come back. The area we were living, although nice, didn't have the same conveniences that we were used to here in US, i.e. affordable restaurants, shops open late etc. but now I wish we had just moved house, maybe different area. I think my priorities have changed and I really want to be back near family and friends now.

May I ask the same question to you? What are your reasons for coming back this way?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hi, I have also been reading these posts for weeks now and they have really helped me (and scared the hell out of me too). Reading your post summed up alot of how I feel. I have been in Oz since 1993 and had a great time for years, but gradually I have started to want to return home for a while a least. I feel that I dont want to stay here forever and I have been here so long I really need to do something different.

I agree about how hard and scary it seems. I have moved across the globe, moved interstate a couple of time and now I feel like you say, wilted and wondering where that person has gone.

Last year I split up with my husband and it seemed like the perfect time to up and move back, sadly no children, but wouldnt leave my dogs. The dogs are now ready to go, I even went back to UK at Easter to see how I felt. I felt it was no problem and I could live there or I could live here. so it should be easy.

Am still doing some odd bits to my house ready to sell it but everything seems so hard, I have no one to stay with when I return, how do I rent with dogs, will it be too expensive etc etc and so what would once have been easy for me (that is just get up and do it) I now struggle with how to achieve it. I have family in UK but am fairly flexible as to where I go as long as I go to a nice area and not a city. But still I seem to twist my mind inside out everyday wondering what to do and how to do it.


I keep working out what I could do to make my life a bit more exciting here and although I have loads of ideas and they all seems like great ideas and far easier than going back to the UK, my gut feeling keeps saying, but its not what I want to do, I want to go back and see the countryside and the history and europe....

I understand that feeling about not being able to get on with life where you are, I feel the same and I cant even explain why that is to myself let alone anyone else. I agree that it seems so difficult to return to my own country but in my case I think the thing that is making it the most difficult is me!

Anyway I am rambling too now, but just wanted to say that although it is different countries and different circumstances, I know exactly how you feel and it is really difficult at times. :(

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Just wanted to say that the UK Yankees Forum has a lot of useful information about settling in the UK, including practical stuff about finding accommodation, work, US/UK taxes, etc.

It's obviously aimed at USCs moving to the UK, but I'm sure you returners would find some of the information useful too! :)

The Motley Fool Discussion Board is another useful resource www.fool.co.uk

HTH!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

I'm sorry about your marriage. It's amazing though how alone you can feel, then after reading these posts, knowing there are so many people in the same boat. It really helps. I also want to see countryside, there are a lot of places I haven't seen in the UK and being able to have holidays again sounds wonderful, although my husband reminds me that we wont have much money to be going on holiday. Even a few days on a caravan park though sounds good to me. Sometimes I think we should just pack up and do it but I know the right thing to do is save money first, although easier said than done. I don't want to leave it any later than next year though, as it's going to get harder and harder for my daughter. When are you thinking of going back?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

I wouldn't worry at all about your daughter. Children are so resilient!

We left England just a few weeks after our son was 6 and our daughter was 10, to live in Singapore. Within days our children had made friends at school and settled very quickly.

We moved again from Singapore to the USA just after our son had completed primary school and daughter had taken her GCSEs; she was 16 and chose not to live in the US and went to boarding school in England for her A levels and is currently a student. Our son went straight into the local 'middle' school and soon made friends.

I think that your daughter will be fine if you do decide to return to the UK; there is the added bonus that she will have grandparents there and I should imagine aunts, uncles and cousins too.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

The usual, state of the UK and cost outweighs the benefit of being near my family, who are spread out anyway. We just can't afford anything here since having a kid (he's 2) and I'm sick of renting, of not being able to decorate a house to make it my home, sick of not being able to afford a holiday. Five weeks vacation and spending it all at home...

But it's a state of mind as well. Mentally I'm where you are now. I've lost myself. When we went back for a holiday last year I felt like I was at home. My priorities changed and I think where we'll be moving is a better place to bring up our child and there are more activities as well. We'll be returning to crap credit and staying with the in-laws, but it's worth it to be where we'll be happy.

I think you being happy will be better for your children and you've been there long enough to have either got used to the place or not. If England makes you happy, then even if there's crap you'll be able to deal with it, it won't be such a big deal.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

You know there are alternatives to living in UK and being able to afford buying your own house. I looked at buying in Uk but opted for Spain, mainly for the weather and I occasionally do work there. But I brought a better property for what I would have got in UK and also saved some money. I was orginally looking at Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, Warwickshire and Worcestershire. I did find one in Gloucestershire, but decided on Spain and got a better property £60k cheaper than I would have done and with a bit of land with sea and valley views. With airfares being quite reasonable now, I can commute every other week back to the UK and it only takes a few hours to do so. In that way I get a lifestyle I want, I do work in the UK and other areas and I see my family more frequently than I did when I lived in Australia for 12 years. By doing it this way I have catered for quite a bit of what I want out of life. I have two different world basically. It has filled in a gap which was missing for me when I was in Australia where I also missed family and often wished there was a "beam me up scotty" way of popping in and seeing those I missed when I felt the need to see them. From a family point of view, its not even that far away if you want to drive back to the UK, etc. I've been able to choose the area and my surrounds by doing this. It may be an option also for those who want to get on the property ladder but can't afford UK prices and want to bring up their kids in a safer environment. I personally like the family oriented life of the med and the children running around etc. Its food for thought, and may cater for some of your needs by thinking slightly different. I'm probably lucky because I made it happen for me and the lifestyle I missed from Australia, but having a similar one but being close to my family if I get that urge to see them.

This year I've had quite a few of my close family members end up in hospital and found out my uncle is dying of cancer, so I'm glad I'm close and more accessible to getting back if the need arises. In many ways I'm also glad I decided to make the move back although to me it wasn't a permanent one initially.

I find if I don't think anything is forever or permanent, it makes life easier rather than thinking of it like serving time, I then enjoy what time I decide to spend in a country.

You may be able to get on the property market, but in another country with easy access to an airport, so you can use it like a train. Its what I did anyway, and it works for me. It isn't utopia, but I have my sunshine, and beaches, and outdoor lifestyle which I missed when I was in UK, and I also am nearer to family and Europe which I missed when I was in Australia. Sorted, :D

It has stopped me missing things I craved for when I was in UK and when I lived in Australia and I'm probably more content because of it, and I know what it is like renting and it does make a difference in being able to paint and decorate your own home to your own personal touch etc. I just decided what made me happy and what I needed to do to try and achieve what would help me feel settled and where I felt I belonged. This was my solution and so far its working for me. I often felt that once my parents popped their cloggs there wasn't much else that would keep me there. But last week in UK, I found out one of my closest uncles is dying of cancer and it made me also think that once my uncles also went the familiarity and family that I grew up with around as child would also be gone, and what I also missed and craved for. So then I may review where my life is at may move again further afield to another country, as Spain to me was always a temporary solution and I'm not sure I want to live here for ever and ever. It was a solution at time when I needed one. Although when I left Australia, it was only meant to be a year as I didn't want to go back to the UK, I decided that my parents were getting on, and I wanted to spend some time being with them, as once they had gone, I would never capture that time again. This year I have lost a number of people who were in my life as a child and I was fond of and I unfortunately think I will by Xmas lost a few more. My uncle a high possiblity and possibly my Mother, if her health continues as it is. So my rock of familiarity is disappearing and no doubt this time next year I may be reviewing my life again and where I want to be.

Decide what is really important to you, and go for it, it doesn't have to be a permanent solution and be happy with it, whatever you decide. Life is for living and being happy whatever you need to do to try to make it so. Nothing ever has to be permanent. Remember that.

Wish you luck.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hi, thanks for kind words about the marriage, it was really difficult, really hurt and left my life in tatters, however I was very unhappy and am glad I am out of it. Funnily enough we are still friends, there just doesnt seem any point in being anything else.

There are also loads of places I havent been too, I was always to busy trying to see europe, then that wasnt enough, so I wanted to see the rest of the world, now I have gone a full circle and I want to see the UK and then europe! And yes I want holidays too! Not just the runaround the UK every 2 or 3 years.

I really shouldnt complain, I dont have children to worry about (sadly however that is something to complain about) I just need to get up and do it, however the last few years has left me a little defeated and as I said everything seems so hard.

I thought I would be back by now, the dogs were all pet passport ready in April. I went to UK to see how I felt. Liked some areas others were too busy, too dirty etc. However as I hadnt spent time with the family for ages, spent time with them and didnt have time to wander and get a feel of where I want to go. I dont want to live where my family are because it is too busy and I figure it doesnt matter where I am in england or Uk as it is nearer than Australia. So now I feel I need to go back to find an area to go to and get sorted. Do I sell house first? No more hols til next year? Do I change jobs ( I cant stand work at the moment either, the job is fine but the politics and personalites are dreadful). If it wasnt for the dogs I could up and go and stay with family for a few/days weeks etc but the dogs mean I have to plan everything.

In the meantime I am so slow getting house sparkling to put on market I feel I will never get it done. Decided today (having a determined to get things done, "up" day today) to pay to get some one in to get the garden looking lovely as it needs some tidying and some woodchips etc, it has been hard to keep it all up on my own.

Anyway I am rambling again, what about you, any firm plans or just drifting like me. I am sure I will be better once I actually get on with things.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hi, I agree with what you are saying. That is why I dont mind where in the UK I go as it is nearer to family than Australia.

I actually am not sure that I will stay "home" forever and am quite okay with the idea of to moving to europe in a few years or even back to australia if I want to. Nothing has to be forever I dont have to stay, but to go home is what I want to do now. :) In which case why havent I just got up and done it, because I answer my own question about where I really want to be :confused:

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Where exactly is 'here' by the way? Just trying to get a sense of what you're comparing a potential new start in Britain to. I couldn't find any reference in your post to where you are. Can you pinpoint why you've lost confidence?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

In which case why havent I just got up and done it, because I answer my own question about where I really want to be :confused:[/QUOTE]

Trouble is when you go to another country and you like many things of that country which you can't get at "home" it doesn't help. I missed things from Australia when I was in Uk and the friends I had made there and vise versa when I was in Australia. By doing it the way I have, and it may not be for everyone, I have filled in some of those voids. Also I made myself buy a house and got a dog which made me root myself somewhere, I still travel alot with my job so that scratches that itch, but I found it has settled me much better than I was before. As said I have created some of the things I missed from Australia in my life, so that also has helped. Maybe you could write the pros and cons of each of the life you would have in UK and the life you have where you are. Then think of trying to achieve it to get many of the pros back in your life. Australia was the first country I had ever lived in besides UK, now I have lived in others and feel there is more to explore and experience. I now don't know whether I would go back to Australia as maybe because I have done that and rather remember my memories from it. I found I couldn't also settle in UK, because again I had moved on (besides I hated the weather) and changed to the person I had left. Life is always changing and often our needs are too. Two years ago I nearly died in an operation and it also made me look at my life and make the changes I wanted to in it. So if you were told you only had a couple of years to live, what would you change in it, what is really important to you. Live life as if your'e on a time frame and you will enjoy it more, rather than exist. You are in another country so enjoy it while your'e there, you may in the future not have the opportunity of going back if you leave, and its better not to have "Oh I wish I had done....."

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Thanks for the ideas. Moving to Spain has crossed my mind, very briefly. I'm not sure what my husband would think of that, it'll probably scare him right away. I'm also not sure how he would do there work wise (he paints cars) and the other thing is the cost of international schools. It does sound exciting though.

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my mum last year to lung cancer. She died whilst we were there visiting over Christmas two days before we were due to return. Although it was a horrible experience, I'm grateful I was there at the time. I think in a way she knew. I would never have forgiven myself if we had left and I would not have been able to say goodbye properly. Losing her has made me more anxious to be back in England, although I did want to return even before that. Now, my dad is having some health problems too, hopefully they aren't life threatening, but I really want to spend some time with him and the rest of my family. I also feel sad that my family and friends don't see my wonderful kids. I love my kids so much and want people to share the joy they bring. My husband does have family here so they do have grandparents but they also have very busy lives of their own.

Where in Spain are you?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

"Here" is North East Ohio. It's not a terrible place but it just doesn't feel like home. Nothing seems real to me here. For some reason, I don't think I'm myself with people and I've lost the real me. Also, sometimes, to avoid the "Where are you from?" question, I'd rather stay quiet. I'm probably being paranoid but I tend to think people look down on me. I feel like life is just passing me by. I'm sorry to moan. Hope I don't depress anyone else. :(

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

It's nice to hear about other kids coping well. I'm pretty sure my daughter will be fine once settled. It's just hard at first. She will have lots of cousins there which I know will be very helpful.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Yes, we definitely need more of those "up" days. I'm having trouble starting the whole process too. Luckily, my husband has been doing jobs around the house, preparing it for sale. I am kind of drifting. I really want to be back there no later than next June. I wish we'd done it this year though. It seems best to do it at the end of the school year, now my daughter will have to go to school here another year. Every day, she's becoming more American and I think it's just going to get harder for her. I keep wishing we would win the lottery, I'm sure it would make things a lot easier.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

I know how you feel. I actually adore Baltimore and could just walk around the city for hours, taking photographs. However, like you, I don't connect with the people, and a great city can't make up for being separated from my family. And the majority of suburbanite Americans hate Baltimore anyway, so the thing I like is another reason why I don't fit in!

I also stay quiet and hate answering the phone. I have to anser it at work, but at home I let my wife answer it, or screen the calls if she's out! I was always shy growing up and thought that being around my wife would help me become more confident. The opposite has happened; I let her do the talking for me! When I was talking to the lady in the UK about the job yesterday morning it sounded SO good to hear that accent! I want to just be able to be myself again.

I have been in the same job here for four years and I can honestly say I won't miss any of my co-workers. I worked for two years in the UK and have co-workers that became great friends and that I will be meeting up with once I get back. I won't have to explain my jokes around them like I do here.

Anyway, I'm not throwing myself a pity party... just letting you know that I know how you feel! I really hope my wife doesn't end up feeling like this in the UK. She stays home with the kids though so at least she doesn't have to worry about fitting in at work.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

It is so refreshing to read posts like these. Every time I get those feelings that I just don't want to be here, I log on and reading these posts really does help to make me realise I'm not alone.

I really do envy those couples though who can agree on where they want to be. The ideal solution for me would be to live in Europe but it isn't necessarily that easy when your other half and children want to stay here forever and you don't. Then this takes away the choice of where you want to live. The only drastic action would be to divorce but I really love my hubs and would hate to break up the family, but they've become so Americanised and I can't see them ever moving anywhere else. Thus it isn't always that easy. I would enjoy the experience here more if I knew it wasn't forever, but my two seem stuck here for good!

By the way, I'm not saying this is a bad place (the weather for one is amazingly glorious and warm!!) but I do really miss Europe where all the action, culture and history is and I feel like I'm living in a retirement zone!!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

(sigh)

So true!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Sorry about your mum :(, my uncle has pancreatic cancer, I saw him before I flew back out the other day, mainly because I won't be going back for a few weeks and wasn't sure if he will be there when I do nor was he. Out of all my uncles he always was my favourite, and he looked so healthy not so many months ago and I thought he would be the one who would be around for a few years yet. Funny thing about life you just don't know. But he's on morphine and still in pain, so I hope for his sake that he doesn't suffer for too long.

If you have your Citzenship, why not go back for a while you can put your stuff in storage, which I did, and go from there. I didn't want to ship everything back with the cost and then re ship it back if I went back.



I'm north of Marbella, south Spain, but more in the mountains in a spanish community. Only foreigner here and none of my neighbours speak English, so have plenty of practice in trying to improve my pigeon spanish. But they are great neighbours and often invite me around for Sunday lunch with their famiies.

I'm only 35-40 minutes away from the airport so I commute quite easily from here, most of my work is overseas now, but I also occasionally do some down here for companies in Europe and the States. Flights are quite reasonable nowadays and my partner can leave from his house in UK the same time as me and arrive at airport the same time, and flying seems to be much cheaper than train fares. So nowadays I use the plane like the train and when I go to the UK I keep some clothes there so I don't even pack...just jump on the plane and jump off, and I never take anything more than I can carry on the plane anyway. Can't stand hanging around airports so usually arrive just before the gates close. :o

Well, I'm not sure about the car painting industry, but there are plenty of cars that seem to have dents in them. I don't know about the standard of education here, but sending them to the local schools may not be so bad. There seems to be plenty of educated spanish people around who speak more than one language.

I do like the lifestyle and the Spanish people, I tend to hang out in Spanish places and keep away from the expats generally. But in your case your husband may get work from them. I live in a detached house on quarter of an acre with sea and valley views, and I take my laptop often down the beach at the moment and do any work there. When I'm here providing I have comms and reachable, it doesn't matter, and the phone number is in the UK so it finds me. So no one ever really knows where I am......:D And the great thing is I can take my German Shepherd to half the cafes and resturants I go to, so she gets to enjoy the beach whilst I'm working, although she is so gorgeous everyone wants to say hello to her, lol. Are you tempted yet? :D

If you go back give it ago, you can always go back to the UK if things don't work out, you would probably rent when you first went back to Uk so not much difference, and living costs here are certainly alot less. I also like it because it is quite cosmopolitan with others from Europe here and I'm also accessible to the other cities if I want a change. Just do some market research by contacting the English Car companies down here for your hubby and see what the possibilities are for him. There are enough expats that you can get away with not speaking Spanish if you're worried about that. I've met loads of people who can't speak spanish and seem to survive. When I came down here I had never been to Spain before I just arrived in my car my suitcase and laptop, and went from there. But its also how I arrived in Australia, one sports bag and me. As said I like to travel light, so if it doesn't work out a) doesn't cost a fortune to leave and my stuff can always find me later. I always thought I would end up in Italy when I lived in Oz but I opted for Spain, more because I couldnt' speak any languages and thought it may be easier in the first instance and not be so isolating. The one good thing though that the world is getting smaller and it is easier to live in other countries now.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Yes, wouldn't winning the lottery make it easier. Although funnily enough I have spent weeks reading these posts and felt it helped, but suddenly talking to people on here has seemed to make me feel better.

I have suddenly found some up and go. I have decided to take the advice of all of the property programs and spend a little money to sell quickly and for best price. After all I will need all the money I can get with the move to UK. I have been slowly spring cleaning, washing walls, cleaning capets and windows, but I cant do it all on my own so I decided to get someone in to make the garden look wonderful and I need to replace some blinds, organised to get quotes next week and today I have bought some light fitting I wanted to replace. I feel so much better and that I am really getting somewhere at last. Thanks to your post and feeling I wanted to answer.

I am glad you have your husband to start doing things on the house while you are drifting, I know how that feels, but once things start happening I am sure it will feel differently. Even when I have a spurt of activity I seem to go back to drifting again, til the next spurt! Hope I can keep this one going a bit.

I am sure from what other posters say, your daughter will be fine, but I can imagine what an extra worry that is. Where abouts in the UK do you plan to go to?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

[/QUOTE]

Trouble is when you go to another country and you like many things of that country which you can't get at "home" it doesn't help. I missed things from Australia when I was in Uk and the friends I had made there and vise versa when I was in Australia. By doing it the way I have, and it may not be for everyone, I have filled in some of those voids. Also I made myself buy a house and got a dog which made me root myself somewhere, I still travel alot with my job so that scratches that itch, but I found it has settled me much better than I was before. As said I have created some of the things I missed from Australia in my life, so that also has helped. Maybe you could write the pros and cons of each of the life you would have in UK and the life you have where you are. Then think of trying to achieve it to get many of the pros back in your life. Australia was the first country I had ever lived in besides UK, now I have lived in others and feel there is more to explore and experience. I now don't know whether I would go back to Australia as maybe because I have done that and rather remember my memories from it. I found I couldn't also settle in UK, because again I had moved on (besides I hated the weather) and changed to the person I had left. Life is always changing and often our needs are too. Two years ago I nearly died in an operation and it also made me look at my life and make the changes I wanted to in it. So if you were told you only had a couple of years to live, what would you change in it, what is really important to you. Live life as if your'e on a time frame and you will enjoy it more, rather than exist. You are in another country so enjoy it while your'e there, you may in the future not have the opportunity of going back if you leave, and its better not to have "Oh I wish I had done....."[/QUOTE]

Wht you have sounds terrific! I originally thought of going to France as I have always wanted to live there for a while, but my French is pretty mediocre and I would need to work. Then I realised that I really wanted to go back to England, see all the things I havent seen and enjoy all the things I have missed and when I have had my fill I would be quite happy to move on to france or somewhere and get the best of both worlds, but this time not quite so far away!

You are lucky that you can work as you do and commute back to UK, I dont think I could get that sort of job and anyway would have no one to look after my dogs. But it sounds like a fabulous life.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Thanks. It is good to know that it's not just me. I also hate answering the phone. I was lucky enough to get on well with my co-workers. I haven't worked for a while though, since I had my son so I've become more isolated, which is making the lack of confidence worse. It's hard to get out of the rut.

Where will you be going to in UK?

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

I do get on with my co-workers... just won't particularly miss them!

We will be staying with my family in Surrey to begin with and then moving wherever we can afford... which isn't many places!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

You are lucky that you can work as you do and commute back to UK, I dont think I could get that sort of job and anyway would have no one to look after my dogs. But it sounds like a fabulous life.[/QUOTE]

It wasn't luck, I made it happen. I changed industries slightly and then adapted it to the life I wanted. It certainly wasn't easy as I had entered a very male dominated and chavaunistic industry. However, some of those who were not very supportive in the beginning are now in business with me. I started a company with one of them, and in a couple of years we are one of the leaders in our industry. I adapt the life I want around my work. My business partner lives in the UK, as so does my personal partner. He flies to see me if he misses me, and I catch up with him when I'm in the Uk... Perfect relationship...:D The GS was a rescue dog, in Spain they gas them every week, so her future wasn't looking too good. She is much happier and healthy and she has to adapt to my schedule. I spent time finding a kennel that she was happy in, when I was away and she spends any other time with me. People comment on how happy she looks and she has become confident in the time I've had her as she was terrified of everything when I took her in. The kennels have also done her good as she has become more socialable with other dogs whereas before she wanted to eat everything with 4 legs.... it is much easier taking her out in public without tables and chairs going flying as she charges after some walking rat which is meant to be a dog and wants it for dinner... I have also got her a passport and will drive back with her on some of my commutes, unless I can find someone with a private jet that I can take her in the cabin with me......still working on that one...:D But I'm thinking of adopting another rescue dog that they can't home, so she can have a pal.

I don't have "can't" in my vocab, it makes life more fun in working around challenges in making things happen. One thing that pissed me off when I returned back to UK. "You can't do that.....or why do you want do that or go there.....it won't work, if it was a good idea everyone else would be doing it or I can't do that because....." I think we are all responsible for our own lives and happiness and only we can do something about it if it doesn't meet our expectations. I often see too many people blame everyone else for their unhappiness or circumstances, yet they often have the power to make the changes in making their lives more happy with using a bit more imagination. My mother is a prime example of that, she always wanted to live abroad, wasn't happy with my Father and prays for the day he pops his cloggs so she can be Free. :o Yet she has been independent financially all her life, and could have made those changes if she had wanted to, except she has made herself too dependent on others. If she had left him years ago, moved overseas she may have spent most of her adult life happier and had the life she had wanted. But she didn't, and consequently will probably die a unhappy woman, because thats how she is and others have also paid the price of her unhappiness. Unhappy people are not fun to be around, in fact they are bloody depressing........If I wanted to be around them I would have become a funeral director....:D so consequently avoid any that are. Its also something to think about for those who are finding it hard in making friends in a new country, people want to be around happy people, if your'e not and moaning all the time, potential new friends will avoid you like the plague....which consequently makes you even more depressed and lonier. a vicious circle. . people always warm to a smile and happy people and want to be your friend. Thats been my experience anyway....if I feel low I stay in and watch a movie, in public I smile and bounce around...amazing how many strangers smile back and often come over and talk....

Well I've waffled on, but I've had a couple of people ring me today for a motivational talk so had to wake up, slap my face a couple of times and put my positive mode on....so still in it.

Anyway if you go back get down to France if you want to, don't worry about the dogs, you will probably have passports for them by them anyway, and France isn't that far from UK anyway so you can't them with you and you can get some French learning tapes on the long journey back to the UK, spend some time in the UK, still learning French in your spare time or classes and then when you get there you will be much better...There sorted...:D I'll pop in for a glass of wine on my way up through France and your dogs with have a Spanish travelling GS dog as a new friend...and possibly a English Labrador..:beer:

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Ye, I do feel very lucky to have such an accommodating husband. I think he would be happy to stay here but is willing to sacrifice his well paid job to make me happy. I'm very grateful, but also feel very guilty. I hate the thought of him having to work for peanuts especially as he is so good at his job.

You never know, maybe one day, your family will decide to venture out a bit.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

[/QUOTE]

It wasn't luck, I made it happen. Anyway if you go back get down to France if you want to, don't worry about the dogs, you will probably have passports for them by them anyway, and France isn't that far from UK anyway so you can't them with you and you can get some French learning tapes on the long journey back to the UK, spend some time in the UK, still learning French in your spare time or classes and then when you get there you will be much better...There sorted...:D I'll pop in for a glass of wine on my way up through France and your dogs with have a Spanish travelling GS dog as a new friend...and possibly a English Labrador..:beer:[/QUOTE]

Hi Great Post :D I agree with everything you say. I love to hear this sort of thing as it if how I feel about everything, which is how I ended up in Oz, how I have travelled the world and why I want to go back. Because actually I dont want to go "back" I want to move on a have a new adventure.

I do seem to have lost myself in the last few years, in a nutshell, relationship not working, wanting babies, getting too old so always ending in miscarriages, failed IVF's and eventually failed marriage to a nice man who wanted a different life and in the end there was nothing to hold us together. I am not wanting sympathy here, I am wanting to move on with my life and accept what will never be and have some more meaning and happiness in my life.

However the emotional stuff takes its toll and I have felt worn out, however I have picked myself up on the floor and am getting on with it, just lost confidence and energy. I agree about being happy around people etc etc, great advice.

I plan to go to UK, enjoy all of the things I want to , pick up my french, I went there earlier in the year and was quite impressed that I could still communicate. Would love to look at new things to do, like yourself, but feel I want to get to UK and do some different stuff first then work on the next step. I just wish that I could stop feeling so scared, yesterday I spent all day doing things on the house, feeling good, then all evening panicking if I am doing the right thing!

Love to see you on your way through from Spain :beer: sounds great, great idea about another dog two are good company. My dogs have always gone into good kennels to and actually really enjoy the little holiday if it is only for a few days, but put up with it for longer if necessary. The dogs already have passports, they were ready in April, so it is just me, but am trying to get myself organised.

Thanks for the motivation and reminding me of the can do attitude, for years I always said, "the world is my oyster, I can do anything I want to do", I still think it, but need to believe it a bit more again. :D

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hi Great Post :D I agree with everything you say. I love to hear this sort of thing as it if how I feel about everything, which is how I ended up in Oz, how I have travelled the world and why I want to go back. Because actually I dont want to go "back" I want to move on a have a new adventure.

I do seem to have lost myself in the last few years, in a nutshell, relationship not working, wanting babies, getting too old so always ending in miscarriages, failed IVF's and eventually failed marriage to a nice man who wanted a different life and in the end there was nothing to hold us together. I am not wanting sympathy here, I am wanting to move on with my life and accept what will never be and have some more meaning and happiness in my life.

However the emotional stuff takes its toll and I have felt worn out, however I have picked myself up on the floor and am getting on with it, just lost confidence and energy. I agree about being happy around people etc etc, great advice.

I plan to go to UK, enjoy all of the things I want to , pick up my french, I went there earlier in the year and was quite impressed that I could still communicate. Would love to look at new things to do, like yourself, but feel I want to get to UK and do some different stuff first then work on the next step. I just wish that I could stop feeling so scared, yesterday I spent all day doing things on the house, feeling good, then all evening panicking if I am doing the right thing!

Love to see you on your way through from Spain :beer: sounds great, great idea about another dog two are good company. My dogs have always gone into good kennels to and actually really enjoy the little holiday if it is only for a few days, but put up with it for longer if necessary. The dogs already have passports, they were ready in April, so it is just me, but am trying to get myself organised.

Thanks for the motivation and reminding me of the can do attitude, for years I always said, "the world is my oyster, I can do anything I want to do", I still think it, but need to believe it a bit more again. :D[/QUOTE]

Okay, I've had the emotional stuff, and it doesn't help if you are around negative people questioning anything you do. Solution get rid of them, if they are in your life. I mean it. Someone must have made you feel like this, as you have achieved things in the past, and know you have. So Only surround yourself with positive people who care about you and are supportive in whatever you want to do. Negative people are too draining and depressing being around. If they don't add something to your life, whats the point in having them around you? The world is full of people out there and new friends to make. Okay you've run out of steam at the moment, emotional stuff does that to you. Write down all the things you have done in the past and achieved. Ring up friends who have known you for years and ask them to think of positive things you have done and achieved. You may find also some of them have been envious of you over the years, lol.

Unless you're 90 odd your'e not old....If babies aren't happening, link yourself up with an orphanage and spend some time with the kids there, or take them out. I've lost a kid and babies aren't happening either, its my solution to the problem. I've also placed kids with families overseas with families who love kids but are poor. So I help support them financially, and at least the kid grows up in a better lifestyle but in their own culture. It also give me an extended family when I visit... Just use that need to nurture somewhere else...plenty of kids and elderly people who don't have family who want to be adopted....I've adopted a few grannies over the years where their families can't be bothered with them... you'd be surprised how many elderly people spend xmas on their own....sad.

Another tip is look at old photos of you when you were travelling and think of what you did then. Relationships can move on, remember the good times not the bad then move on, there is a world full of men and someone will come along that wants the same things as you. In the meantime enjoy being on your own and experience more adventures and meeting new people and find yourself again. As said there is also a world full of strangers who are yet to become your friend. But make sure you only have positive people around you, otherwise stick to yourself. It is better to be alone than surrounded by people who get you down...I've just fired a couple of sub contractors because of that, moaning minnies....the atmosphe is so much nicer that they are not around...it's amazing how just one person can change an atmosphe in a room full of people and have a negative impact on everyone....

Life is too short to be unhappy, so get off your butt girl and go and have some fun....and adventure....you know you can do it.....:D And don't worry about all your stuff, I have the attitude if it doesn't fit in the car or my case it doesn't come with me, unless it has sentimental value, then I find away. Material things are always replaceable...and a good reason to get rid of memories and start a fresh....

So what are you waiting for.:p:beer: Do not panic (as she thinks of Dads army lol) use that fear in motivating yourself, your new life awaits.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

[

So what are you waiting for.:p:beer: Do not panic (as she thinks of Dads army lol) use that fear in motivating yourself, your new life awaits.[/QUOTE]

Hi Mercedes,

Thanks for all the motivation :) , you should do life coaching. I am not actually waiting for anything I know what I am going to do and I am on my way to making it happen, but it seems really hard and I seem so slow. Still I'll get there in the end. :beer:

Wish I didnt keep getting so scared though! :scared: need a few more :beer:

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

If you're feeling a bit down it will be hard going and slow, I always feel incredibly tired when I have to move house/countries. Motivatation can be the hardest part. Why not go and get some pampering as well ie a massage, facial, they are always a good pick me up.

Changes and going back into the unknown can be scary, why not think of it as a new challenge and adventure and get excited about it. Fear is my biggest motivator in making me get off my butt and make the life I want as I hate being in limbo. Drinking doesn't help, as the problem is still there when you sober up, so then you have to deal with the hangover as well as the problems. Think of things you have done in the past that made you feel scared and how things worked out okay in the end. Try and make this change fun and challenging it makes it so much easier and less effort than feeling as if you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders and everything is hard work. Going back to bed is the easiest thing in the world.. but nothing gets done then. :D Which sounds a good idea, I feel I need a kick up the butt today, :o as I look at the piles of work I have to do, and my bed is tempting me to lie on it.......(no I'll resist.....)

pm if you want to chat more

Cheers
Merc.

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

So I'm not alone! I know exactly how you feel and I feel I'm getting increasingly paranoid about opening my mouth and saying something, ready for the smart-alec comment about what I said and especially how I said it. :(

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Exactly!! :mad:

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

- Sounds like you are where I was 3 weeks or so ago. I paid one of our grad students (hard worker) $10/hr just to help me sort out the house. He worked for maybe 5 or 6 hours. I spent 4 days solid just cutting the grass, planting some annuals, tidying the house (just chuck stuff in boxes and hide in the attic - you can always take it out later), treating and painting a hallway that had some mold, re-caulking the bathtub, cleaning windows, pressure washing the deck and driveway, spraying smellies in every room, etc. Also just get rid of "clutter" - pack away half of your clothes so the wardrobes don't look too small, remove half of your ornaments/bric-a-brac from the shelves, etc.

- When you are used to doing everything yourself it's amazing what a difference it makes having just one helper for a few hours.

- I had two offers (full price) from the first two viewers, and both commented on the garden and how fresh everything looked. That, plus the fact I priced it to sell, are what made the difference I'm convinced.

Good luck with the house sale!

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hey,
we must watch the same TV programs ;) ...house doctor? :D
Thats what we did..and sold it for full price within 4 weeks.
I did say to hubby...why can the house not always look like that :rolleyes: , its just all that clutter :o

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

It is good to hear that all the effort works and you got full price. I have now admitted to myself that I cant do it all alone, so I have started to get some help in. I work full time and at the moment my weekends are taken up with washing walls and cleaning carpets, looks great after though! Still got more rooms to do and it seems never ending.

The house is not too cluttered but got a bit of work to do there too. Hoping I will have it all done to put on the market at beginning of spring (initially had hopes of by end of month but have realised that is not realistic and the beginning of spring is probably a better time to put it on the market anyway.

Any chance of borrowing your grad student? :rolleyes:

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hi Merc,

I am getting it all under control here and realised I will not be ready to put on the market until the beginning of spring, which is okay.

I realise I have never been scared before, I just did things! :D

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

If the place needs painting - paint.

If it really does not need painting - paint some hidden corners or whatever.

The smell of paint works wonders! ;)

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

What a great idea. I am washing the walls and they come up looking great, a bit of paint in hidden corners sounds like a great idea, think I'll give it a go! :D

Re: Why is it so hard?
 

Hiya

I live in Murcia, now to be honest absolutely, we cant wait to get away from Spain, we have been here now for 2 years, we have a new villa, pool, large garage, large plot, etc etc, my husband is a hard landscaper by trade, he can not get any work here, unless you can speak fluent in Spanish, working here is restricted with the Brits, who wont pay you much maybe 4 euros an hr, the Spanish wont employ just anyone either, unemployment here is very high, we are lucky that we have enough money to live on, but our place is up for sale, and soon as we get a buyer we want out, the FLIES drive me F.......G CRAZY its too hot in the summer here, over 100 degrees, we have a dream villa but I would rather my old semi back in South UK any day, BAD move for us, as my hubbies business back home was very successful, we listened to others about coming here, and regretted it ever since, its a good life if you dont mind sitting in the sun all day, retired YES, but if your actively minded, need to work, forget it :mad:

Those are the TRUE facts, being lived by people here, and we are not the only ones, read this newsletter below.


Thought some of you may find this article interesting

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A Cautionary Tale Half of those who chose to make a new life in Spain end up returning home. But why does the dream turn sour for so many? Ian Frewer spoke to established expats who offer advice to the new arrivals on the Costas.

"A lot depends on whether they came to Spain, or whether they just left England."

Steve Hall is a successful entrepreneur based in Torrevieja, near Alicante, in southern Spain, who also runs The Newcomers Club, a group offering advice and social contact to people newly arrived in Spain.

Offering advice is not always easy, to people who don't want to take it.

"I reckon about half of those who come out here below pensionable age go back within two years," Steve told us. "A lot of the problem is that they believe too much of what they're told before they come out here".

"They believe they'll get a job, that they can manage on far less money than they actually need, that everything will somehow just fall into place. But it doesn't.

I reckon about half of those who come out here below pensionable age go back within two years, Steve Hall, of The Newcomers Club "The truth is that jobs are few and far between, that you may not get a phone line for years, the area is saturated with British tradesman, the cost of living is not as low as people think, and that Spanish bureaucracy can drive you mad at times!"

Hall knows; he sometimes has the sad job of telling someone that their best bet is to return home, if they can't manage in Spain, and he seldom gets any thanks for that piece of advice.

Gary and Terri Hart, both in their forties, originally from Huntingdon, in Cambridgeshire, are returning home to England as soon as they sell their house in Villamartin, on the Costa Blanca, in southern Spain.

"We thought I'd be able to make a living out here, me being an experienced builder, but it's been hopeless." Gary told us, "The only way to get any work is to price it so low that you undercut everyone else, and then there's no profit in it. Terri helps out in a bar sometimes, but that only pays peanuts."

But it isn't just financial.

Dreams can turn sour

"I miss the children, but especially I miss seeing my grandson grow up. He's three now, and he hardly knows me, when we go back," said Terri, her eyes filling up with tears.

"My younger daughter's expecting in November, and I just want to be there with her. We're missing out on so much, and I can't even speak to her often, as still haven't got a phone line."

"Much of it comes down to language," Steve Hall told us, "Most newcomers don't know any Spanish, and then they feel isolated. That's why we give free Spanish lessons at the club. Learn Spanish, and you can always cope with a situation."

It's a different story for those who retire to Spain, with a decent pension. George and Rose Halliday are in their sixties, and moved to Spain four years ago, having previously owned a holiday apartment for years.

"We know the area, we have a circle of friends, and we can manage fine on our income." Rose said.

Forget about living the dream, the reality's what counts, and it isn't easy living. I just wish someone would tell them the truth, instead of leading them on. Peter Sharron, businessman "Okay, we miss the grandchildren, but they come out to see us quite often, and we go back two or three times a year. Our children are adult, now, and they have their own lives, so they dont really miss us that much."

George feels that, like so much in life, it all comes down to money; an income sufficient to support your chosen lifestyle, and to provide things like a telephone, and a computer for emails, and to pay for an interpreter when you need one, and to own a home you're happy in, and to travel back to the UK when you feel like it.

"It's all about income, not capital. With today's interest rates, you need a heck of a lot of capital to provide a decent income, but a good pension, or shrewd investments give you the income you need. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly helps!" he says.

Even so, a fifty per cent failure rate among expats who try to make a new life in Spain is an alarming statistic.

Peter Sharron runs a successful removal company in Alicante, in south east Spain, and gets to speak to many of those returning to England. "So many of those who go back came out here for a fresh start," he told us,

"They don't do their homework, they don't research the realities of life out here. I have to blame many of the selling agents, and even the TV shows that make it seem so easy to start up out here.

"The fact is that life may be different here, but you, you're the same person as you were in the UK. You won't miraculously become more successful just because the sun's shining."

"Forget about living the dream," he said, almost sadly, "the reality's what counts, and it isn't easy living. If you don't have the money in the first place, you've got an uphill struggle to make it out here. I just wish someone would tell them the truth, instead of leading them on."

To contact The Newcomers Club, call Steve Hall on 659 173 108.

Story from Expatica.com

Monday, February 13, 2006