torn!!
 

hi all,

I'm new here and may well be just wanting to get a few thoughts off my chest so please be patient with me.

Has anyone had this situation?? When things are good or bad for you who do you turn too?
Close family and friends as a general rule right??

So why is it that the always seem to change their minds with what they originally said and all a sudden your happiness quickly becomes their fuel for fire so to speak???

i am so so confused angry frustrated to the point im not sure im human anymore.

i met my partner online over a year ago and when i was beaming and so incredibly happy that friends and family see that your happy and ask you whats SO good with you, and so i explained that i met a wonderful man who was just there for me through my down times and shared my good times too regardless of what it is sometimes its just soo nice to have a friend that listens!

and at first when its new everyone you talk too are happy for you and excited that you are happy enjoying life, but now its not new anymore and we are trying to make our plans for the future and do the best we can for each other and make the best of our situation with right paths choices etc, everyone seems to have a problem with everything i say and do or suggest. but the person i expected it from the least is my own mother?

has anyone else had this kind of situation? i am a UKc and my partner is a USc and truthfully we are trying to make the correct decisions for us and our circumstances as far as me coming to live permanently in the states with him and it just seems that when we try involving the important people in our plans (they = my mother who was totally supportive in the beginning) they are trying to hack us down, i dont know if my rant made any seance to be honest i shouldnt have written this while sooooooo worked up with the situation but i had to get it off my chest.

sorry for the vague information but its such a long story in full.

do you follow your heart to your happiness or do what others want you to do and be damn miserable?? torn between head and heart and wanna cry.

thanks for listening/reading?? lol

H.:confused:

Re: torn!!
 

Maybe they are just going to miss you?
Maybe they think you are moving too fast?
Maybe they don't think it will work? (they see it from a different perspective, not all lovey and rose colored glasses?)
Maybe they think you are not prepared?

Are there any children involved? That could make a big difference.
How many times have you guys actually met face to face?
How are you planning to move to the US? Which Visa? Do you know how difficult that will be?

Re: torn!!
 

I try to follow one simple piece of advice: do what makes me happy no matter what others may say. If I had followed the advice of my mother, I would never have studied overseas in Scotland and met my husband. Yes, my family thought I was crazy for wanting to marry a man that lived overseas and someone whom I had barely spent much time with physically. But I listened to them, nodded my head at the appropriate times...and then told them what I was going to do, whether they liked it or not. And 6 years later, my husband and I have been married for 5 years and my family loves him as part of the family.

Ultimately, do you want to please others, or please yourself? Do you want to have regrets, or think about the what-if's later on? Or even worse, do you possibly want to end up resenting your family or friends because you took their advice, instead of taking a chance?

Also try to see from your mum's perspective though. She is probably scared for you, and scared of the big changes that come along with possibly moving and immigrating to another country where she won't see you as often. Try providing information to her on where/how you would live, plans to buy a home, plans to find employment, give her info on how health insurance works, how you can get a driver's license, etc. She's probably really fearful for you because of the big changes, so try to show her how you both are planning things out and are not just jumping into things without thinking.

Good luck, and hope you feel better after your rant. :thumbsup:

Re: torn!!
 

I suspect that your mother, family and other friends are worried for you. This is particularly true when dealing with international relationships...they are scared that they'll "lose" you.

Re: torn!!
 

I think that we all replied at about the same time :)

Re: torn!!
 

I believe that as difficult as it is you should never live your life the way that others want you to if it is not what you want. When I move over to the US I will be taking with me my 2 children. They are the only grandchildren my parents and my husbands parents have. There have been little sprinklings of guilt placed into conversations but all I have said is along the lines of, 'We are doing this as we feel it is going to be good for us and the kids. We don't want to get a little further down the line and wonder what if. We would like your support but if you can't give it then fair enough. Wouldn't you rather we were happy and doing what WE want than be miserable and doing what YOU want?' I have had problems with some family members and friends who just get on a major downer and go all pessimistic and highlight all the flaws they see with living in the US. I think it mainly boils down to a combination of jealousy and the fact that they will miss us. At the moment we are getting support from parents but it is hard for them knowing they won't see their grandchildren as much. Good luck and hope it all works out well.

Re: torn!!
 

As the mother of an adult daughter my take is this............

Have you ever met they guy face to face?? People are often different online to real life!

It sounds like you've been hurt in the past and your mother is trying to protect you from hurt..... maybe she feels like you're moving too fast.

Maybe you need a few trips to the USA before you make any kind of permanent commitment.

Re: torn!!
 

Just out of curiosity, are you still fairly young as in, not long out of college, or still living at home with parents etc? If so, your parents might still be quite protective of you and think you're too young to make such a big commitment and move abroad. If not, then they still might just be protective of you and want you to be happy.

As parents, I think we want to protect our children (no matter how old) from mistakes, but the truth is you can't always, and maybe shouldn't. Are you pretty independent? Have your own place, support yourself financially etc?

Another thing that might be concerning them is that you met online and maybe they are concerned you don't really know each other well enough. Is there anyway you could have them meet or talk somehow? I know it helped for my parents to meet my husband (before we were married).

Re: torn!!
 

Reminds me of when I was 17, living in the UK, bored out of my head, not able to work outside the home (taking care of older Sister after rta) I met (for one weekend) a friends cousin in liverpool, whilst visiting the friends Grandmother. I started writing to her Grandmother who was almost blind, to cut a long story short....The cousin would respond to letters (on her behalf) and we ended up writing to just each other. Through those letters we 'fell in love' and got engaged:eek:

After a couple of months (whilst planning the wedding thru' letters), my Dad insisted that he come visit, it was a disaster! He was 10 yrs older than me, he was the most boring person I had ever 'met' and I couldn't wait for the visit to be over.

Later that night, I used the excuse "My Dad says you are too old for me" and broke the whole thing off!:ohmy: Thank goodness my Dad realised it was just a silly schoolgirl crush and made me realise the mess I had got myself into!

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but maybe your family are worried that you are making a big mistake. You still haven't come back to tell us how long you have known each other or how often you have met (in the flesh)
Obviously, you are the only one that can make the ultimate decision, but it's not going to be easy for any of you. Just try and be patient/understanding of your loved ones fears for you.

Re: torn!!
 

hi again and thank you for your replies.

sorry for the rant, had to get it off my chest i guess, i do feel better knowing that people have had to go through similar situations as this provides some comfort, im in my late 20's and my mother and i dont have a particularly wonderful relationship we hardly speak although i really try all the time to keep her involved in my life to no avail, so i guess considering that i was frustrated with the fact that for some reason i was feeling i was in the wrong someway and felt guilty almost when really i have nothing to be guilty for, i have been trying to discuss everything with her and just keep getting mixed responses from her so i got angry too and ended here ranting lol ....SORRY.

p.s. we have met i have spent approx 3 months total time in the states in the past year and countless hours on the phone

thanks again :)

Re: torn!!
 

C_H, can you (as some have already asked) give us some idea of your age, life experience?

Generally, listening to others and considering their views is a good idea. That is not the same as doing what they want because, in the end, the decision has to be yours - just as you will have to live with the consequences of that decision.

Take a breath, understand that nothing must be decided today, and pause to consider what lies ahead for you both ways.

Re: torn!!
 

You've spent 3 months here I'm guessing...to put minds at ease and to show things can work out, he, presuming he doesn't have a criminal record or anything to bar him from entering the UK, could stay for 6 months without a visa.

Give it a go, spend more time. If it works out, great, if not, well you've not lost anything. You did say you were in your late 20's, so presuming he's not completely broke.

Re: torn!!
 

If for some reason beyond your control you were no longer able to work he/you be willing and able to support your partner emotionally and financially?
This was one of the questions my to be husband and I asked each other before we got married? Its a practical question but also one of the reasons why expat marriages dont work out, along with the many other stresses that inter cultural relationships have.

Best of luck to you both

Re: torn!!
 

What it comes down to is this: Are you an Adult? Do you have a life of your own? Can you make decisions based on your input and for your own good? Do you need the approval of others in order to make decisions about your life? Are you influenced by the opinions of others to the point that you won't do something you want because they don't agree?

You state you don't have a close relationship with your mother and yet you continue to get her approval by telling her about your life. She isn't interested. Understand and accept that. She is not living your life for you and if you are in the UK and don't see her often why do you feel hurt that she doesn't seem to be positive about your relationship.

I don't recall that you said you have met this man in person. If you haven't I would strongly caution you about making wedding plans. You will not be able to make any plans to come to the US to marry him on a K-1 Fiancee Visa from the USCIS if you have not meet in person. Otherwise you would have to come to the US, marry, and return to the UK for up to 12 months alone while you wait for an immediate relative visa to be obtained.

Re: torn!!
 

see prev post

Re: torn!!
 

I know. However I replied before I got to that post and I didn't feel like editing it. But thank you!

Re: torn!!
 

I am not a mother but that does not mean that I cannot empathies with how a mother would feel.

So you have spent time with him in the US,has your family met him, can he get to the UK to meet them that might be start, or at least chat to the folks on the phone or by Skype!

You are it appears in your 20's you are a grown up, and need to do what you feel right in your heart, the family will come around after a time, they normally do.

This is morbid but one day they won't be here,and you might just might of lost the love of your life trying to make others happy.

Go for it you can always return to the UK worst case scenario :unsure:

Re: torn!!
 

Everyone has an agenda.... just remember you are the master or your agenda.

Re: torn!!
 

Some people, myself included, think that online relationships are nothing short of insanity. I suspect your mother and I share the same opinion.

Don't even need to go as far as the usual issues of 'losing you'. It's probably the fear that the guy is a serial killer, or worse, a nerd or even fat.

Re: torn!!
 

years ago I would have said the same thing, but in 1992 a friend as a dare responded to a looking for love in a paper, the guy was pug ugly, but she ended up going out with him for months, he was so nice! really brilliant had that certain "it" factor that made you forget that he wasn't good looking and was a real laugh, she was devastated when he broke up with her!, my Grandad has used the Times personal Ads and he has meet some lovely people, he's nearly 91 and his proud boast is "I don't need Viagra!" too much info for me!
My brother met his wife in an internet chat room, they have been married for 4 years now and if he hadn't married her I would have:rofl: seriously she is made for him, it took him away from me, he was posted at Dover 10 miles from me, and he is now in Catterick, but then I moved to the US! (which proves you can't live your life for others, I was really upset when he moved but didn't say, but then I moved even further! we are deep down, all selfish)
you need to do want you need to do, you may make a mistake! but who hasn't? and plenty of "good matches" end in divorce so suck it and see (pun intended!) ;)

Re: torn!!
 

You have more chance in meeting a nutter in a bar then the internet.

If you do it correctly the internet is the safest form of dating.

But this is BE and I am guessing that about 80-90% of the folk on here met online!

Re: torn!!
 

totally agree, in a chat room or what ever you can sound people out, and if a bit scarey leave them alone, nightclub one to one an you are mostly drunk!

Re: torn!!
 

Glad to see that your O1 hasn't dulled your inalienable right to look down your nose at people.

Re: torn!!
 

Are you kidding? I'm like a celebrity in my company at the moment. A slightly overweight nerdy one, I might add.

Re: torn!!
 

I wasn't going to rise to this, but sod it...... what a load of Crap..... with a capital C....

I met my husband online, and he's fat - look at the pictures in my gallery - oh, and he's also a gamer and plane freak... so could be classed as a 'nerd'..... does that mean we don't have a great relationship -erm NO... does it make him incapable of loving me any less than a stereotypical drop dead gorgeous yank with big muscles that earns 150k a year.... erm NO. If anything he goes out of his way to prove that looks and nerdiness are irrelevant.

The serial killer thing - fair enough - but as someone else said, you have more chance of meeting one of those in a bar than online because you don't get the chance to really check that person out before you end up alone with them.

I find the whole fat and nerd thing totally shallow. Try judging people on who they are and not what they first appear to be.

To the OP - Go with what YOU want to do, just make sure you are careful and plan things properly.

Re: torn!!
 

You made that comment in the wrong place, hon. :p I'm willing to bet a large number of people on this site met their other halves online, including myself. I was just looking for some peeps to hang out with while I was in Scotland, and then along came my future husband. Fast forward 6 1/2 years later, we've been married for 5 years.

Don't knock it til ya try it!:thumbsup:

Re: torn!!
 

This has been done before on BE but I would love to see an updated version of who actually met online and who met through friends or in a bar etc.

Re: torn!!
 

I met my ex-wife online.

Re: torn!!
 

I was joking.

Re: torn!!
 

I met my ex hubby online and I am sure like myself, that meeting online had nothing to do with the divorce.

The guy I am dating at the moment I met online, I would rather go cyber shopping lol. ;)

Re: torn!!
 

I met my wife before there was an "online".:huh:

Re: torn!!
 

You look like a nice catch :)

I met my husband through City Limits personal column - box numbers on envelopes and all that.

Re: torn!!
 

I had to show the interwebs to my DH when we met. He thought I was maaaaagic.

Re: torn!!
 

I had a very close friend in England, constantly talking about moving always wanted something better she talked about moving to various places, London, Australia and even Dubai. When I met my now hubby she was so happy for me blah blah blah when we started making plans which turned into me moving to the US she started getting bitchy now we don't speak. I think a lot of it comes down to jealousy I actually did what she was always talking about.

Re: torn!!
 

Met mine at a base open day in Germany, he was selling beer from a stall, he doesn't drink beer and I had a soda, he offered me a swap:beer:....match made in heaven!! :wub::thumbsup:

Not sure we would have 'clicked' over the internet, I don't think you can really get to know someone's personality until you meet face to face....although saying that, there are webcams now, they weren't around in 87' when I met hubby.

Re: torn!!
 

Gotta disagree with that one.

Re: torn!!
 

That's ok, I should have put 'IMHO' there I guess. I'm just not sure how you could really 'know' someone from sending messages over the internet? If you are talking about phonecalls and webcam 'meetings' then I can see that being easier, but I assumed we were talking about chat rooms and online dating services?:confused:

I have a few friends that met guys online, but to be honest there weren't any long lasting partnerships that came out of their 'encounters'

Re: torn!!
 

People have been falling in love through correspondence for as long as there has been such a thing as correspondence. Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning come to mind. Some internet relationships can be as deep and revealing as a modern day sort of epistolary affair, if you will. Others could be likened to caveman gruntings.

Most relationships fail, full stop ... not just the cyber ones. Anyway, I think it's as easy to delude yourself online as it is in person so it boils down to a matter of preference. ;)

Re: torn!!
 

Couldn't return them I guess. :sneaky:


At least I got my money back on a defective penis enlarger.


Less shipping and handling of course.

Re: torn!!
 

Well obviously a spouse would weigh more than the penis enlarger; I'd hope it's less!