C_H

hi all,

I'm new here and may well be just wanting to get a few thoughts off my chest so please be patient with me.

Has anyone had this situation?? When things are good or bad for you who do you turn too?
Close family and friends as a general rule right??

So why is it that the always seem to change their minds with what they originally said and all a sudden your happiness quickly becomes their fuel for fire so to speak???

i am so so confused angry frustrated to the point im not sure im human anymore.

i met my partner online over a year ago and when i was beaming and so incredibly happy that friends and family see that your happy and ask you whats SO good with you, and so i explained that i met a wonderful man who was just there for me through my down times and shared my good times too regardless of what it is sometimes its just soo nice to have a friend that listens!

and at first when its new everyone you talk too are happy for you and excited that you are happy enjoying life, but now its not new anymore and we are trying to make our plans for the future and do the best we can for each other and make the best of our situation with right paths choices etc, everyone seems to have a problem with everything i say and do or suggest. but the person i expected it from the least is my own mother?

has anyone else had this kind of situation? i am a UKc and my partner is a USc and truthfully we are trying to make the correct decisions for us and our circumstances as far as me coming to live permanently in the states with him and it just seems that when we try involving the important people in our plans (they = my mother who was totally supportive in the beginning) they are trying to hack us down, i dont know if my rant made any seance to be honest i shouldnt have written this while sooooooo worked up with the situation but i had to get it off my chest.

sorry for the vague information but its such a long story in full.

do you follow your heart to your happiness or do what others want you to do and be damn miserable?? torn between head and heart and wanna cry.

thanks for listening/reading?? lol

H.

Englishtart

Maybe they are just going to miss you?
Maybe they think you are moving too fast?
Maybe they don't think it will work? (they see it from a different perspective, not all lovey and rose colored glasses?)
Maybe they think you are not prepared?

Are there any children involved? That could make a big difference.
How many times have you guys actually met face to face?
How are you planning to move to the US? Which Visa? Do you know how difficult that will be?

Bluegrass Lass

I try to follow one simple piece of advice: do what makes me happy no matter what others may say. If I had followed the advice of my mother, I would never have studied overseas in Scotland and met my husband. Yes, my family thought I was crazy for wanting to marry a man that lived overseas and someone whom I had barely spent much time with physically. But I listened to them, nodded my head at the appropriate times...and then told them what I was going to do, whether they liked it or not. And 6 years later, my husband and I have been married for 5 years and my family loves him as part of the family.

Ultimately, do you want to please others, or please yourself? Do you want to have regrets, or think about the what-if's later on? Or even worse, do you possibly want to end up resenting your family or friends because you took their advice, instead of taking a chance?

Also try to see from your mum's perspective though. She is probably scared for you, and scared of the big changes that come along with possibly moving and immigrating to another country where she won't see you as often. Try providing information to her on where/how you would live, plans to buy a home, plans to find employment, give her info on how health insurance works, how you can get a driver's license, etc. She's probably really fearful for you because of the big changes, so try to show her how you both are planning things out and are not just jumping into things without thinking.

Good luck, and hope you feel better after your rant.

Ozzidoc

I suspect that your mother, family and other friends are worried for you. This is particularly true when dealing with international relationships...they are scared that they'll "lose" you.

Ozzidoc

I think that we all replied at about the same time

SarahG

I believe that as difficult as it is you should never live your life the way that others want you to if it is not what you want. When I move over to the US I will be taking with me my 2 children. They are the only grandchildren my parents and my husbands parents have. There have been little sprinklings of guilt placed into conversations but all I have said is along the lines of, 'We are doing this as we feel it is going to be good for us and the kids. We don't want to get a little further down the line and wonder what if. We would like your support but if you can't give it then fair enough. Wouldn't you rather we were happy and doing what WE want than be miserable and doing what YOU want?' I have had problems with some family members and friends who just get on a major downer and go all pessimistic and highlight all the flaws they see with living in the US. I think it mainly boils down to a combination of jealousy and the fact that they will miss us. At the moment we are getting support from parents but it is hard for them knowing they won't see their grandchildren as much. Good luck and hope it all works out well.

mamasue

As the mother of an adult daughter my take is this............

Have you ever met they guy face to face?? People are often different online to real life!

It sounds like you've been hurt in the past and your mother is trying to protect you from hurt..... maybe she feels like you're moving too fast.

Maybe you need a few trips to the USA before you make any kind of permanent commitment.

The_English_Bride

Just out of curiosity, are you still fairly young as in, not long out of college, or still living at home with parents etc? If so, your parents might still be quite protective of you and think you're too young to make such a big commitment and move abroad. If not, then they still might just be protective of you and want you to be happy.

As parents, I think we want to protect our children (no matter how old) from mistakes, but the truth is you can't always, and maybe shouldn't. Are you pretty independent? Have your own place, support yourself financially etc?

Another thing that might be concerning them is that you met online and maybe they are concerned you don't really know each other well enough. Is there anyway you could have them meet or talk somehow? I know it helped for my parents to meet my husband (before we were married).

Englishtart

Reminds me of when I was 17, living in the UK, bored out of my head, not able to work outside the home (taking care of older Sister after rta) I met (for one weekend) a friends cousin in liverpool, whilst visiting the friends Grandmother. I started writing to her Grandmother who was almost blind, to cut a long story short....The cousin would respond to letters (on her behalf) and we ended up writing to just each other. Through those letters we 'fell in love' and got engaged

After a couple of months (whilst planning the wedding thru' letters), my Dad insisted that he come visit, it was a disaster! He was 10 yrs older than me, he was the most boring person I had ever 'met' and I couldn't wait for the visit to be over.

Later that night, I used the excuse "My Dad says you are too old for me" and broke the whole thing off! Thank goodness my Dad realised it was just a silly schoolgirl crush and made me realise the mess I had got myself into!

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but maybe your family are worried that you are making a big mistake. You still haven't come back to tell us how long you have known each other or how often you have met (in the flesh)
Obviously, you are the only one that can make the ultimate decision, but it's not going to be easy for any of you. Just try and be patient/understanding of your loved ones fears for you.

C_H

hi again and thank you for your replies.

sorry for the rant, had to get it off my chest i guess, i do feel better knowing that people have had to go through similar situations as this provides some comfort, im in my late 20's and my mother and i dont have a particularly wonderful relationship we hardly speak although i really try all the time to keep her involved in my life to no avail, so i guess considering that i was frustrated with the fact that for some reason i was feeling i was in the wrong someway and felt guilty almost when really i have nothing to be guilty for, i have been trying to discuss everything with her and just keep getting mixed responses from her so i got angry too and ended here ranting lol ....SORRY.

p.s. we have met i have spent approx 3 months total time in the states in the past year and countless hours on the phone

thanks again

Walkingman

C_H, can you (as some have already asked) give us some idea of your age, life experience?

Generally, listening to others and considering their views is a good idea. That is not the same as doing what they want because, in the end, the decision has to be yours - just as you will have to live with the consequences of that decision.

Take a breath, understand that nothing must be decided today, and pause to consider what lies ahead for you both ways.

Bob

You've spent 3 months here I'm guessing...to put minds at ease and to show things can work out, he, presuming he doesn't have a criminal record or anything to bar him from entering the UK, could stay for 6 months without a visa.

Give it a go, spend more time. If it works out, great, if not, well you've not lost anything. You did say you were in your late 20's, so presuming he's not completely broke.

Kate2112

If for some reason beyond your control you were no longer able to work he/you be willing and able to support your partner emotionally and financially?
This was one of the questions my to be husband and I asked each other before we got married? Its a practical question but also one of the reasons why expat marriages dont work out, along with the many other stresses that inter cultural relationships have.

Best of luck to you both

Rete

What it comes down to is this: Are you an Adult? Do you have a life of your own? Can you make decisions based on your input and for your own good? Do you need the approval of others in order to make decisions about your life? Are you influenced by the opinions of others to the point that you won't do something you want because they don't agree?

You state you don't have a close relationship with your mother and yet you continue to get her approval by telling her about your life. She isn't interested. Understand and accept that. She is not living your life for you and if you are in the UK and don't see her often why do you feel hurt that she doesn't seem to be positive about your relationship.

I don't recall that you said you have met this man in person. If you haven't I would strongly caution you about making wedding plans. You will not be able to make any plans to come to the US to marry him on a K-1 Fiancee Visa from the USCIS if you have not meet in person. Otherwise you would have to come to the US, marry, and return to the UK for up to 12 months alone while you wait for an immediate relative visa to be obtained.

Kate2112

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